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The Simpsons: Tapped Out

 
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The Simpsons Tapped Out Guide

by yellowjunkie

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THE SIMPSONS TAPPED OUT GUIDE

by yellowjunkie

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

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1. APP SPECIFICS

2. AUTHOR'S NOTE

3. COMMON ISSUES WHILE PLAYING & HOW TO FIX THEM/TIPS

4. LEVEL XP & REWARDS

5. CURRENT EVENTS

6. QUESTS & DIALOGUE

6.2. SQUIDPORT

6.3. KRUSTYLAND

7. FRIEND POINTS

8. CHARACTERS

9. SPRINGFIELD BUILDINGS

10. HIDDEN QUESTS/ITEMS

11. CREDITS

12. UPDATES

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1. APP SPECIFICS

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Title: The Simpsons: Tapped Out

Made by: Electronic Arts

Platform: iOS 5.1.1 to most recent; Android 2.3.3 (Gingerbread) to most recent.

Size: 200 MB initially + updates

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2. AUTHOR'S NOTE

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* USE CONTROL + F TO SEARCH AND FIND WITHIN THIS DOCUMENT!

I don't have the money to spend for premium items and donuts, BUT I did my best to put together the most up-to-date accurate information for this game with the help of multiple The Simpsons Tapped Out-related websites, as listed in the Credits section of this guide. If you have questions about the game, such as why in-game cash won't buy you donuts (If this doesn't happen soon, then I'll pox EA and everyone who made this game, turning all of them into amusing hideous talking frog characters that would barf when tapped on. To all the makers of this game: so get it done already! By the way, that was in no way a threat; just give us more donuts!), or why Fat Tony is listed as a wise guy (because all cigar-smoking pasta-loving mobsters are?), or the history of Springfield, or how to tell Kang and Kudos apart, or why Santa's Little Helper costs donuts but Maggie isn't a character then feel free to yell at your Android/iOS device. (Cause yelling at inanimate objects is fun and free! Ch'yeah!) Even better, though, is to check out the Credits section to search for other walkthroughs and get advice from actual users. I'm open to emails at yellowjunkie@aol.com and can take questions on Twitter, too at @thewhoms. So send in those comments and quesions; I read each one and do my best to reply back on time! I hope you enjoy this walkthrough!

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3. COMMON ISSUES WHILE PLAYING AND HOW TO FIX THEM/TIPS

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Sometimes an issue will come up while you're playing, which is inevitable. Don't Panic! Here are some simple solutions to the most common problems users say they have that should help clear that "glitch":



1. Don't skip around too much, thus abandoning quests - this can cause problems in the long-run, such as a quest being delayed and not showing up for several levels. Doing the opposite and giving your characters too many tasks can also delay quests. It's best to check your task book if you're stuck and don't know what quest you're on.



2. If you're wondering why a quest hasn't been prompted, it's likely you didn't: a) build or unlock a necessary building/character or b) complete a necessary quest or task.

Tip: Sometimes, the quest will initiate itself if you collect rewards before setting tasks - clear the screen of all cash, XP, Donuts, and task menus!



3. If you accidently gave a "sidequest" to a quest-related character, then wait for that task to be completed and then continue.



4. Restart the game.



5. Reset your device.



6. Wait and try again later.



*There are currently 46 levels in this game.



*Doing 3 Daily Actions in another Springfield earns 25 XP.



*You can get a Mystery Box on every seventh consecutive "play" for free.



*You earn $55 each time you arrest Sideshow Bob.



*Building prices increase after level 27.



*There are odd quests that either repeat themselves or don't even affect your Springfield at all. Don't worry too much about whether or not you have them and just keep playing.



*The first 5 levels are an in-game tutorial.



*You don't need to use Donuts for speeding up the construction of buildings during the tutorial and instead you can opt to wait it out.



*Here are a few styles of gaming that you can try to make playing Tapped Out more fun:

Rewards Approach: syncing tasks with building taxes to finish at the same time

Task Approach: syncing your characters' tasks to finish at the same time

Storyline/Quest Approach: setting character tasks to complete a quest

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4. LEVEL XP & REWARDS

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LEVEL 1 (40 XP)

LEVEL 2 (75 XP/1 Donut)

LEVEL 3 (85 XP/1 Donut)

LEVEL 4 (120 XP/1 Donut)

LEVEL 5 (250 XP/1 Donut)

LEVEL 6 (800 XP/1 Donut)

LEVEL 7 (1800 XP/1 Donut)

LEVEL 8 (3200 XP/2 Donuts)

LEVEL 9 (5000 XP/1 Donut)

LEVEL 10 (8000 XP/1 Donut)

LEVEL 11 (12000 XP/2 Donuts)

LEVEL 12 (15500 XP/1 Donuts)

LEVEL 13 (18000 XP/2 Donuts)

LEVEL 14 (22000 XP/1 Donuts)

LEVEL 15 (23000 XP/1 Donuts)

LEVEL 16 (25000 XP/1 Donuts)

LEVEL 17 (25500 XP/2 Donuts)

LEVEL 18 (28000 XP/1 Donuts)

LEVEL 19 (34500 XP/1 Donuts)

LEVEL 20 (36500 XP/1 Donuts)

LEVEL 21 (44500 XP/1 Donuts)

LEVEL 22 (58000 XP/1 Donuts)

LEVEL 23 (63000 XP/1 Donuts)

LEVEL 24 (99000 XP/2 Donuts)

LEVEL 25 (105000 XP/1 Donuts)

LEVEL 26 (111000 XP/1 Donuts)

LEVEL 27 (117000 XP/2 Donuts)

LEVEL 28 (124000 XP/1 Donuts)

LEVEL 29 (131000 XP/1 Donuts)

LEVEL 30 (138000 XP/1 Donuts)

LEVEL 31 (145000 XP/2 Donuts)

LEVEL 32 (153000 XP/1 Donuts)

LEVEL 33 (161000 XP/1 Donuts)

LEVEL 34 (169000 XP/2 Donuts)

LEVEL 35 (177000 XP/2 Donuts)

LEVEL 36 (185520 XP/2 Donuts)

LEVEL 37 (194280 XP/2 Donuts)

LEVEL 38 (203280 XP/2 Donuts)

LEVEL 39 (212520 XP/2 Donuts)

LEVEL 40 (296000 XP/2 Donuts)

LEVEL 41 (308960 XP/2 Donuts)

LEVEL 42 (322240 XP/2 Donuts)

LEVEL 43 (335840 XP/1 Donut)

LEVEL 44 (454680 XP/1 Donut)

LEVEL 45 (468508 XP/2 Donuts)

LEVEL 46 (1514240 XP/2 Donuts)

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5. CURRENT EVENTS

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HALLOWEEN 2014 HOLIDAY UPDATE

Below is an incomplete list of quests and dialogue in no particular order.



FREE HUGS PT. 1

1. Build the Make-a-Thing Workshop

2. Make Kang Watch Housefly Drone Camera Footage

Cost: $2000

Time: task 1: 8 hours; task 2: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



TREAT YOURSELF

Make Lisa Go Trick or Treating

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



FREE HUGS PT. 2

Make Lisa Question Kang s Motives

Cost: Free

Time: 45 seconds

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



FREE HUGS PT. 3

Squish a Rigellian Invader

Cost: Free

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Kang

Reward: $100/10 XP



FREE HUGS PT. 4

1. Use the Make-a-Thing Workshop to Open a Treat Bag

2. Use the Make-a-Thing Workshop to Craft a Weapon

Cost: Free

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



FREE HUGS PT. 5

Squish Rigellian Invaders x20

Cost: Free

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



RESTRICTED AIR SPACE PT. 1

Squish Rigellians in a Friend's Town x3

Cost: Free

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Frink

Reward: $100/10 XP



RESTRICTED AIR SPACE PT. 2

Shoot Down a UFO in a Friend's Town

Cost: Free

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Frink

Reward: 3 Probes/10 XP



TRICK YOURSELF

Send Youngsters Trick or Treating x3

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours each

Who Starts It: Frink

Reward: 3 Probes/10 XP



THEY'RE BAAAAAACK!

Place Grem-Aliens in a Friend's Town

Cost: Free

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: 10 Probes/10 XP



TREAT BAG PRIME

Make Database Order Treat Bags Online

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Database

Reward: $100/10 XP



BOARD WITH A NAIL IN IT

Upgrade Your Weapon to Level 5

Cost: Free

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Automatic

Reward: 10 Probes/10 XP



(The Trick or Treat quest will repeat throughout the event.)

TRICK OR TREAT

1. Make Youngsters Go Trick or Treating x10

2. Collect Treat Bags x10

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours each

Who Starts It: Automatic

Reward: 10 Probes/10XP



THE WHOLE TRUTH PT. 1

Make Kang Report to Rigellian High Command

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Kang

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE WHOLE TRUTH PT. 2

Make Kang Probe Homer

Cost: Free

Time: 1 day and 12 hours

Who Starts It: Kang

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE WHOLE TRUTH PT. 3

1. Make Kang Drink

2. Make Homer Drink

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Kang

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE WHOLE TRUTH PT. 4

Make Kang Probe Homer

Cost: --

Time: --

Who Starts It: Kang

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE WHOLE TRUTH PT. 5

Make Kang Reflect on his Situation

Cost: --

Time: --

Who Starts It: Kang

Reward: 10 Probes/10 XP



ALIENATION PT. 1

1. Make Kang Research American History

2. Make Lisa Be Kang s Study Partner

Cost: --

Time: --

Who Starts It: Kang

Reward: 10 Probes/10 XP



ALIENATION PT. 2

1. Make Kang Shovel Manure

2. Make Kang Flip Burgers

3. Make Kang Wash Dishes

Cost: --

Time: --

Who Starts It: Kang

Reward: 10 Probes/10 XP



ALIENATION PT. 3

Make Kang Take the Citizenship Exam

Cost: --

Time: --

Who Starts It: Kang

Reward: 10 Probes/10 XP



ALIENATION PT. 4

1. Craft and Place a Rigellian Shrub

2. Place a Rigellian Shrub

Cost: --

Time: --

Who Starts It: Kang

Reward: 10 Probes/10 XP



ALIENATION PT. 5

(There is no action required. This is automatically completed after Alienation Pt. 4.)

Cost: Free

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Kang

Reward: 20 Donuts



DIALOGUE

Wiggum: Hey there. You're new in town, aren't you?

Wiggum: I'm a police officer, in case you're wondering why I'm so astute.

Kang: You do seem pretty sharp.

Lisa: Chief Wiggum! He's not a visitor to our town, he's a hostile alien. Arrest him and call out the national guard.

Wiggum: I was gonna do that. That's the procedure for all visitors.

Wiggum: I think it may be why our tourism industry is in the dumper.

Kang: Wait! I have fled the lush tyranny of Rigel VII to seek asylum in this trailor park of a planet: Earth.

Lisa: Oh, Chief Wiggum, we've got to help him! Kang is a defector, like Rudolph Nureyev or Martina Navratilova!

Wiggum: Yeah, but those guys could do stuff and this thing's just a drooling squid.

Kang: I wish to be an Earthling now and follow Earthling customs.

Kang: Our drone cameras report that you saliva-swallowing bipeds enoy building useless 2-D buildings.

Kang: I shall build the most useless, most two-dimensional building of all!

Lisa: Wait, did you say drone cameras?

Kang: Silence foolish Earth-tween! If you are accusing me of breeding organic, living camera drones that resemble Earth's housefly...

Kang: and then abandoning the project because we got much too much footage of dog poo, you are paranoid!

Lisa: Just build your building.

/ / /

Lisa: So what kind of store did you build, Mr. Kang?

Kang: It is genius!

Kang: I provide plush-bear skins and people pay to labor like third-world child-slaves, stuffing and putting sunglasses on them.

Lisa: I guess you'll never go broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.

Kang: Look at the accessories! There's even a tiny wheel chair!

Lisa: And a little boombox! I wanna make one!

Kang: Yes! Stuff! Stuff like there's no tomorrow!

Kang: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

/ / /

Lisa: I might skip trick-or-treating this year.

Lisa: There's so much hunger in the world, I feel guilty getting candy from strangers just because I'm wearing green makeup and a latex wart.

Kang: Nonsense. You "liked" that Upworthy video about Darfur. You've gone above and beyond to stop world hunger!

Lisa: Maybe you're right. And I did make that Ethiopian baby sleeping next to a goat carcass my profile picture. I deserve a treat!

Kang: Mother Teresa never felt guilt about trick or treating. Go and don't come back til your pillowcase strains at the seams.

/ / /

Lisa: What a haul! This might be my best year ever!

Lisa: What's this? Who gave me a nail?

Bart: Remember Professor Frink built that robot that was giving out treats.

Lisa: Oh. Are nails candy to robots?

Bart: Nah. I think it was just falling apart.

/ / /

Lisa: You were right to insist I go trick-or-treating, Mr. Kang. I had a great time.

Kang: You deserve it. Now don't be shy -- eat your candy!

Lisa: Thank you, I will.

Kang: Yes, eat and fatten yourself!

Lisa: Then relax by soaking in some olive oil with garlic and lemon zest overnight in this refrigerator!

Lisa: Hmmm, you're starting to sound like the people-eating Rigellian you used to be.

Kang: What? No! I am now one of you. Can't you tell by my fanny pack and my tramp stamp?

Lisa: Hmm...

/ / /

Kang: Enough of this grilling! I'll tell you everything. I'm setting you up for a Rigellian invasion. In fact, it's already begun!

Lisa: I didn't even start questioning you yet - all I asked is if you wanted a drink.

Kang: Oh. In that case...I'LL TELL YOU NOTHING, IMPUDENT GIRL-COW!

Kang: And I'll take an iced tea.

Lisa: Yeah, I think I'm gonna go alert everyone to the invasion.

Kang: Great Gas God! She knows about the invasion!

Kang: Quickly! Begin phase two of the invasion. Codename: Phase Two!

/ / /

Kang: People of Earth, cower before the approaching Rigellian onslaught!

Homer: They're smaller than I expected...

Kang: Our army is made of juveniles who are old enough to fight but too young to vote.

Kang: It's the only way we get to fight the really cool, stupid wars.

Homer: Well, I'm not afraid. We have a secret weapon! Prepare to be squished by The Sky Finger!

/ / /

Kang: Ha, ha, ha! Your impotent squishings do nothing!

Kang: Our troops are wearing a protective film, much like the tinted windows of your Earth limousines.

Kang: In my short time as an Earthling, I really got into the whole club scene. You know, VIP rooms, bottle service...

Kang: But that is neither here nor any other place!

Kang: Prepare for your future as livestock!

Homer: I already came up with the squishing them idea.

Homer: If the survival of humanity depends on me coming up with another idea, we are ska-rewed.

/ / /

Homer: Those aliens are going to eat me first for sure.

Homer: Oh, why do my loins have to be so marbled?!

Frink: Before we start talking about the quality of our body meat, let's find a way to resist the moiven-occupation!

Frink: I can engineer a super-weapon!

Frink: I just need a small, metal, nail-like object.

Lisa: I got a nail in my treat bag. Will that work?

Frink: Well, it's a little on the nose, but we don't have time for subtlety.

/ / /

Frink: Good glayvin, look what I found here next to the teddy-bear-stuffing-injector! The Rigellians have a re-moleculizor!

Frink: This fascinating machine can take any thing and turn it into a different thing! With the molecules and reconfiguring and the --

Lisa: Don't get distracted, Professor! You have to get to work on that weapon.

Frink: Oh, I've already made the super-weapon. It's there on the counter.

Lisa: You hammered a nail into a piece of scrap wood?

Frink: I also installed a decal that said, "Awesome!" but it, uh, did not stick. Ahoy-vun.

/ / /

Lisa: We're doomed! We can't fight off an army of alien invaders with a board with a nail in it!

Kang: A board with a nail in it?!

Kang: Retreat! Retreat!

Kang: Our protective film is worthless if it gets scratched even a little!

Homer: Sky Finger, squish now! While they are vulnerable! Squish like you've never squished before!

/ / /

Homer: Woo hoo! The town is completely clear of aliens! Time to get back to ur regular, fulfilling lives.

Kang: You fool! Just because you have cleared your town of Rigellians doesn't mean you have prevailed.

Kang: We will continue to send smalll numbers to your Springfield over the course of approximately one Earth moon.

Kang: Maybe longer. Sometimes we extend these things for a week or two after we say we're going to.

Homer: Why don't you just send everyone at once and get it over with?

Kang: Ha, ha, ha, ha! As if your Earth phones could handle that many Rigellians on screen at the same time!

In-Game Message: We Want You...to squish Rigellians. Fight the good fight and win exclusive prizes.

/ / /

Frink: Good Glayvin, someone please help me! Aliens have invaded my Springfield!

Homer: Pffft! We've all been invaded for days.

Homer: Maybe if you spent less time inventing things and deepening your understanding of our world...

Homer: And more time tapping on your phone and buying imaginary donuts, THEN there wouldn't be monsters running through your Town Hall.

Frink: As we scientists say, save the lectures for when you're giving lectures!

Frink: Just help me kill the monsters. Kahell-nup.

In-Game Message: Help your friends out. Visit often and repel invaders.

/ / /

Frink: Good work, Sky Finger!

Frink: Your excellent alien hunting with the tapping, and the squishing has managed to make the Rigellians really-a-bloyvan ticked off.

Frink: They're now sending giant invasion ships which we'd like you to kablooey for us if you'd be so kind.

Frink: As luck would have it you've acquired ammunition, or "Ammo" as the kids like to say, which is perfectly suited for all your kablooeying needs mhoyvin.

In-Game Message: You can now tap on UFOs in friend's towns to shoot them down. Each shot requires Ammo, which you can get from Treat Bags.

/ / /

In-Game Message: Great job! Remember that it takes Ammo to shoot down a UFO. Find more Ammo in Treat Bags!

/ / /

Frink: A-ha! Using the Rigellian re-moleculizer I was able to transform this Hello Kitty plush toy...

Frink: ...into a much more masculine Hockey Playing Hello Kitty plush toy!

Lisa: You didn't need a machine for that. You could have just changed her jersey and removed some of her teeth.

Frink: Regardless! This experiment proves that we can use the re-moleculizer to change Halloween candies into...well, other things.

Lisa: Nobody's going to want to trick-or-treat during an alien invasion!

In-Game Message: Keep earning Treat Bags and reconfigure treats into prizes at the Make-a-Thing Workshop...for a limited time!

Homer: Limited time? But I want everything!

Bart: Me, too! Trick-or-Treat! Go! Go! NOW!

Lisa: *sigh* I'll get my costume.

In-Game Message: All kids can Trick-or-Treat for Treat Bags! Premium characters have a better chance of scoring Gold Treat Bags!

/ / /

Grem-Alien: *bloop*

Homer: Hey, that looks like one of those Gremlin thingies from last year.

Homer: Or maybe it's one of those cool rendering glitches like the time I had a hedge made out of Lennys.

Frink: Ahey-vun, it looks to me to be a hybrid of a Gremlin and some unknown alien species.

Frink: A Grem-Alien, if you will. And I know you will.

Frink: I should like to take this back to my lab and analyze it with the dissecting and the labelling and the displaying on a card table at the fair-hoiven.

Homer: No way, I'm the one who found it and I say we toss it in some other dude's Springfield and see what happens.

Frink: That's highly unethical and wildly irresponsible.

Frink: But it does sound fun!

Frink: And I've never been a stickler for ethics, as evidence by my ill-fated milk-cow/cookie monster hybrid.

/ / /

Homer: *sniff* If you love something, let it go.

Homer: If it comes back to you...

Homer: It will bring you tons of stolen goodies.

Homer: Or it beter not come back at all!

In-Game Message: Your Grem-Alien will bring back items after 4 hours. If your friend catches him in the act you'll share the rewards!

/ / /

Cletus: I reckon it's the hillbilly's job to point out the alien craft menacing our skies?

Frink: I have positively identified this flying object as an unidentifiable flying object.

Frink: We must construct the Frink Ray Gun immediately!

Kang: I'm not concerned. Humans are known throughout the galaxy for being too cheap to spend donuts on ray guns.

In-Game Message: You can buy a Ray Gun from the Store and startle Kodos out of his complacency.

/ / /

Database: Oh-wow! I can't wait! Soon I shall have a mountain of fun-sized candies.

Lisa: I'm so glad to hear you're finally going trick or treating with us. What's your costume going to be?

Database: No-ow! I won't be trick and/or treating. It's much more cost-effective to just buy the candy.

Database: No costume, no-ow walking and no getting jammed into a trash can by bullies.

Database: Well, less getting jammed into a trash can by bullies.

/ / /

In-Game Message: Can Springfield fight off the Rigellian invasion? Will kids get good treats, or something lame like tooth care brochures?

In-Game Message: Find out on Oct. 20th! Until then keep tapping!

/ / /

Kang: High Command would like to be debriefed on the progress of the invasion.

Kang: The entire Rigellian army being squished into oblivion could be seen as a loss.

Kang: Luckily, I m the king of spin. I will really have to pile on the space-cow droppings.

/ / /

Kang: Operation Earth-Over-Confident has been a rousing success. They aren t afraid of us at all!

Rigellian Chief: SILENCE! Do not drool on me and call it precipitation!

Rigellian Chief: You have failed once again.

Rigellian Chief: And you wonder why we only let you conquer planets with malls!

Rigellian Chief: BYou are relieved of your command. Return to Rigel VII in disgrace.

Kang: Wait! Give me one more chance! I can take down Earth. I just need to figure out their weaknesses!

Rigellian Chief: You mean you haven t probed them to detect their weaknesses yet? Why not?

Kang: Well, to be honest, it kind of weirds me out.

Rigellian Chief: I m glad you felt comfortable enough to be honest with me.

Kang: Really?

Rigellian Chief: OF COURSE NOT!

Rigellian Chief: Get to probing, maggot!

/ / /

Kang: *sigh* Might as well get this over with.

Kang: Halt, corpulent human! Prepare to be probed!

Homer: *shriek*

Kang: Now I have to chase him. Ugh, look how he jiggles.

/ / /

Kang: *wheeze* You are surprisingly spry for one so gelatinous.

Homer: Wow. I ve never outrun anyone before.

Homer: I guess it s  cause I m running on two feet as opposed to a million suction cups.

Kang: Also I just drank a lot of water. Ugh, cramp!

/ / /

Kang: I am a failure. Earth is too much for me. *sniff*.

Homer: Aw, hey, don t cry. I assume what you re doing there is crying.

Kang: *sniff* It is! I could not even catch a pregnant Earthling female.

Homer: What? I m male!

Kang: You are? You look like you are expecting a litter of human cubs!

Kang: Well, that makes me feel a little better.

Homer: Yep, no shame in not catching a strapping young male.

Kang: Really? This is what passes for strapping on this planet?

Homer: Okay, maybe not strapping, but I m for sure not pregnant.

Kang: In that case, wanna get super drunk with me? I m depressed.

Homer: Sure, I ll go with you. But, honestly, I d probably do it even if I was pregnant.

/ / /

Homer: I ve always wanted to know... how do you guys tell each other apart?

Kang: I was going to ask you the same thing!

/ / /

Homer: You know, Kang , you re all right.

Kang: You as well. After getting inebriated with you I feel I can now call you  friend. 

Homer: Awww, thanks.

Kang: Prepare to be probed, friend!

Homer: *shriek*

/ / /

Kang: It s hopeless! I still can t catch you even after I got you drunk.

Homer: AWait, you got me drunk just so you could catch me? I trusted you!

Kang: I m sorry. Let me make it up to you by buying you bigger, stronger drinks.

Homer: Sounds great!

/ / /

Kang: Why are you humans so cruel?

Lisa: Cruel? You invaded our planet!

Homer: I bonded and got drunk with you twice in one day.

Kang: But you and your bar friends drew a mustache on my dome after I passed out on the pool table.

Homer: Yes, we are a charming bunch.

Kang: I need time alone to do some heavy thinking.

Lisa: You might want to take off the  kick me  sign.

Homer: We are adorable.

Kang: ...

/ / /

Kang: If I am thrown out of the Rigellian army, I will have to move back in with mother.

Kang: And she has that new young boyfriend.

Kang: He was a jerk in high school, he is a jerk now.

Kang: I suppose I could stay here.

Kang: This planet isn t so bad. There are some decent waterfalls.

Kang: And I like the direction the Human Race is going with the whole Pretzel-Hotdog thing

/ / /

Kang: Greetings Earth leader! I wish to defect.

Kang: This time for real-sies.

Quimby: Excellent! Lady Liberty welcomes tired and huddled masses.

Quimby: We are, ah, trying to play dow- n the  poor  part of that little welcome speech.

Quimby: You just need to pass the citizenship test and pay the, er ah, substantial fee.

Kang: What?! But I have none of your Earth money! And I know nothing of your pointless country!

Lisa: I could help you study for your citizenship exam. Anyone who knows me knows I love a good history drill.

Kang: ...

Lisa: Mr. Kang: ?

Kang: Just waiting for any other option to present itself.

Kang: ...

Kang: Fine, I ll go with you.

/ / /

Kang: American history is full of impressive bloodshed!

Kang: Though why haven t we invaded this  Canada ?

Kang: They re only weapons seem to be hockey sticks and superior grammar skills.

/ / /

Kang: Armed with knowledge of your country I shall begin my ascent up the ranks of American power players.

Kang: But first, could you spot me the cash to pay the exam fee?

Homer: No way. You re going to have to earn it the old-fashioned American way.

Homer: Which is now known as the new-fashioned Mexican way   doing jobs everyone else hates to do.

/ / /

Kang: One day, when I am ruler of America, I shall rain hellfire on this place with my army of polite, Canadian slave-soldiers!

Kang: Ha-hahahhahahaha!

Bart: Just gimme my Laffy Meal so I can go about my day.

/ / /

Lisa: Ooh, today s the big day! If you pass this exam you will be *giggle* a legal alien!

Kang: Ugh. No further attempts at humor. It is painful to roll one giant eye.

/ / /

Lisa: How did your exam go?

Kang: Terrible. I passed, but just barely.

Homer: Congratulations! That means you didn t try any harder than you had to. You are a true American.

/ / /

Kang: You know what would really jazz this planet up?

Kang: Lush Rigellian greenery!

Kang: I could use my carbon re-moleculizor to craft some lovely carnivorous plants!

Lisa: I don t know, carnivorous alien plants seems like a dangerous idea...

Kang: I am an American! Your concerns violate my constitutional rights!

Kang: Racism! Sexism! Sue! Sue! Sue everyone!

Lisa: Well, he caught on to that pretty quickly.

In-Game Message: Bring a little bit of Rigel 7 to your Springfield. New items to craft available now!

/ / /

Lisa: *gasp* The indigenous flora of your home planet is so beautiful!

Kang: Yes. Rigellian plants are far superior to your roses and your baobabs.

Kang: Though I must warn you   mind the thorns.

Kang: And the toxic pollen.

Kang: And do not let it invade your thoughts. It will steal your soul.

Kang: Also it likes a little fertilizer in the early Fall.

/ / /

Kang: Thanks for integrating me into your society so very easily.

Kang: To further lull you, I shall dull your senses with donuts!

Kang: Take them, and suspect nothing!

/ / /

Kang: Ha-hahahahahahaha! Foolish humans! Yes, once again, I have tricked you!

Kang: I, Kang the Destroyer, shall enslave the Earth! When the time is right 

Kang: Er, perhaps I should have waited until the time was right before I tipped my hand.

Lisa: Huh? Sorry, I was listening to a book on tape.

Lisa: Did you say something?

Kang: Umm, no! Enjoy your donuts and continue believing everything is fine!

/ / /

(This is dialogue between Krusty and Kang in Krustyland. There is no quest related to this dialogue.)

Krusty: I don't care who you are, you still have to pay admission if you want to be in Krustyland...

Krusty: ...and if you're going to abduct anyone, take people who look broke.

Kang: You're lucky that I need some R&R, this invasion is playing havoc with my social anxiety.

Kang: I will concede to your demands, puny Earthling, but I refuse to pay $5 for a small soda.



TREEHOUSE OF HORROR XXV PROMOTION



CLOCK-WORK IN PROGRESS PT. 1

Squish Rigellians to Look for Moe's Outfit

Cost: Free

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Moe

Reward: $100/10 XP



DIALOGUE

Homer: Moe?

Homer: That's weird, he's always in the bar.

Moe: Psst, Homer...over here.

Homer: What are you doing standing behind the love tester?

Moe: I ain't got no clothes on.

Homer: Never mind. I don't want to know what you're doing back there.

Moe: It ain't like that!

Moe: Well, actually, I don't know what it's like. I can't remember what I did with my clothes.

Moe: I need you to find them.

Moe: You do this for me and I'll give you free booze for one night.

Homer: Oh my God, do you know how much I could drink in a night?

Moe: Yeah, I know. It's gonna cost me. But at least it's finite, I think.

Homer: I am honored by the faith you have shown by choosing me for this quest.

Moe: I actually gave the quest to Barney, but that's him there, curled up by the wastebasket.

Moe: - using the Welcome Mat as a teddy bear.

Moe: You were just the next person to come in the bar.

Homer: Sorry, wasn't listening, I was thinking about all the beer I'm going to drink.

Moe: Just go.

In-Game Message: Help Homer find the clothes to unlock a new outfit for Moe!

/ / /

Homer: Wow, I feel so energized and motivated and clear-headed...

Homer: *shriek* Oh God, I'm sober!

Homer: I better find those clothes quick!

/ / /

Homer: Woohoo! I found his shirt!

Lisa: How do you know that's Moe's shirt?

Homer: It's monogramed. See? M-O and some missing letters and Moe's name is spelled M-O and some missing letters.

Homer: Wow, look at all these spaghetti stains.

Homer: I've told him he needs to twirl his noodles tighter to the fork...

Lisa: I don't think those are spaghetti stains.

In-Game Message: You've found your first piece of the outfit! Keep coming back each day to collect more.

==========================================================



==========================================================

6. QUESTS & DIALOGUE

==========================================================

SQUARE ONE

Build the Simpson House

Cost: $135

Time: 6 seconds

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Lisa



SPRINGFIELD CLEANERS PT. 1

Make Homer Clean Up Springfield

Cost: Free

Time: 6 seconds

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



SPRINGFIELD CLEANERS PT. 2

Make Lisa Clean Up Springfield

Cost: Free

Time: 6 seconds

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP/1 Donut



THE NEW EVERGREEN TERRACE PT. 1

Build Evergreen Terrace

Cost: Free

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



WHO NEEDS THE KWIK E-MART

Build the Kwik-E-Mart

Cost: $220

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Apu



THE OTHERS

Visit Another Springfield

Cost: Free

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Professor Frink

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for doing 3 Daily Actions



THE BOX, THE BOX!

Get a Mystery Box

Cost: 6 Donuts

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Automatic

Reward: 10 XP



SOYLENT BEAN

Send Lisa to Shop at the Kwik-E-Mart

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



THANK GANESH

Make Apu Pray to Ganesh

Cost: Free

Time: 45 seconds

Who Starts It: Apu

Reward: $100/10 XP



WORKING HARD

Make Homer or Lisa Clean up Springfield

Cost: Free

Time: 6 seconds

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE NEW EVERGREEN TERRACE PT. 2

Build the Brown House

Cost: $335

Time: 12 seconds

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE MYSTERIOUS BROWN HOUSE PT. 1

Make Homer Break into the Brown House and Watch TV

Cost: Free

Time: 3 minutes

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE NEW EVERGREEN TERRACE PT. 3

1. Move the Kwik-E-Mart

2. Build the Flanders House

Cost: task 1: Free; task 2: $540

Time: task 1: No Wait; task 2: 1 minute and 30 seconds

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Ned



GREEN THUMB

Plant Trees x3

Cost: $100 each

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



CHILLIN' WITH THE BOX

Make Homer Break into the Brown House and Watch TV Again

Cost: Free

Time: 3 minutes

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $50/10 XP



DONUT-DENOMINATED DECORATIONS

Place Homer s Hammock

Cost: 5 Donuts

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



PROPERTY VALUES

Buy Land Expansion

Cost: $150

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



I-CHOO-CHOO-CHOOSE YOU

Add Friends

Cost: Free

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: 10 XP/1 Donut



THAT AIN'T RIGHT

Make Ned Condemn Science

Cost: Free

Time: 45 seconds

Who Starts It: Ned

Reward: $100/10 XP



GETTING BENCHED

1. Place a Bench

2. Make Lisa Read a Book

3. Have a Tree

Cost: task 1: $270; task 2: Free; task 3: $100

Time: tasks 1 and 3: No Wait; task 2: 45 seconds

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



MYPAD

Make Homer Play with His myPad

Cost: Free

Time: 45 seconds

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



HARDLY WORKING

Place the Kiddle Pool

Cost: $100

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



STRUT YOUR STUFF

Make Ned Power Walk

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Ned

Reward: $50/10 XP



BOOK WORM

Make Lisa Read a Book

Cost: Free

Time: 45 seconds

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $50/5 XP



KWIK-E-SHIFT

Make Apu Do a 4-hour Shift at the Kwik-E-Mart

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Apu

Reward: $50/5 XP



THE TAX MAN COMETH

Collect Money from Homes x8

Cost: Free

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Automatic

Reward: $50/5 XP



PUT UP A PARKING LOT

Build a Parking Lot for the Kwik-E-Mart x2

Cost: $125 each

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Apu

Reward: $100/10 XP



PAVE PARADISE

Place Pavement x2

Cost: Free

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Apu

Reward: $100/10 XP



HEY LOOK, IT FLOATS!

Make Homer Lounge in the Pool

Cost: Free

Time: 6 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $50/5 XP



STRUT YOUR STUFF

Make Ned Power Walk

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Ned

Reward: $50/5 XP



SLACK-JAWED YOKEL PT. 1

Build Cletus's Farm

Cost: $1200

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Apu

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Cletus



SLACK-JAWED YOKEL PT. 2

1. Plant Tomacco

2. Harvest Tomacco

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: $15

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Apu

Reward: $100/10 XP



SIDESHOW BOB HAS ESCAPED (AGAIN)

Arrest Sideshow Bob

Cost: Free

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Automatic

Reward: $100/10 XP



IT'S EITHER THIS OR A BATH

Make Cletus De-louse the Young-Uns

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Cletus

Reward: $50/5 XP



QUICKY AT THE QWIK-E

Make Homer Shop at the Kwik-E-Mart

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $50/5 XP



QUICKY AT THE QWIK-E

Make Lisa Shop at the Kwik-E-Mart

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $50/5 XP



THAT AIN'T RIGHT

Make Ned Condemn Science

Cost: Free

Time: 45 seconds

Who Starts It: Ned

Reward: $100/10 XP



APU PLUS EIGHT

Make Apu Feed the Octuplets

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Apu

Reward: $100/10 XP



HEY WHITTLE, WHITTLE

Make Cletus Whittle

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Cletus

Reward: $100/10 XP



QUICKY AT THE QWIK-E

Make Ned Shop at the Kwik-E-Mart

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Ned

Reward: $50/5 XP



THE MYSTERIOUS BROWN HOUSE PT. 2

Make Apu Relax in the Brown House

Cost: Free

Time: 6 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE NEW EVERGREEN TERRACE PT. 4

Build the Purple House

Cost: $1100

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



PROPERTY VALUES

Buy Land Expansion

Cost: $150

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



SHOPAHOLIC

Collect Money from Shops

Cost: Free

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Automatic

Reward: $50/5 XP



CROP SHARE

Harvest Perfections

Cost: $2

Time: 45 seconds

Who Starts It: Cletus

Reward: $50/5 XP



CROP SHARE

Harvest Silvertongue

Cost: $15

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Cletus

Reward: $50/5 XP



DOCTORS ARE FOR 'DEM RICH CITY FOLK

Make Cletus Help Brandine Give Birth to Another Spuckler

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Cletus

Reward: $50/5 XP



THAT AIN'T RIGHT

Make Ned Condemn Science

Cost: Free

Time: 45 seconds

Who Starts It: Ned

Reward: $50/5 XP



ADVENTURES IN FLANDERS-SITTING

Make Lisa Babysit Rod and Todd

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Ned

Reward: $100/10 XP



A WELL-EARNED NAP

Make Homer Oversleep for a Powernap

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



CROP SHARE

Harvest Moonshine

Cost: $15

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Automatic

Reward: $50/5 XP



BOOK WORM

Make Lisa Read a Book

Cost: Free

Time: 45 seconds

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $50/5 XP



WORKAHOLICS ANONYMOUS

Make Apu Work an 8-hour Shift At Kwik-E-Mart

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Apu

Reward: $100/10 XP



THANK GANESH

Make Apu Pray to Ganesh

Cost: Free

Time: 45 seconds

Who Starts It: Apu

Reward: $100/10 XP



RIVER RUN

Cost: Free

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



MADE WITH U.S.D.A. LETTER-GRADED BEEF PT. 1

Build a Krusty Burger

Cost: $2600

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Krusty



MADE WITH U.S.D.A. LETTER-GRADED BEEF PT. 2

Make Homer Eat at Krusty Burger

Cost: Free

Time: 30 minutes

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



KRUSTY BURGER HEAVY USER PT. 1

Make Homer Eat at the Krusty Burger

Cost: Free

Time: 30 minutes

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



KRUSTY BURGER HEAVY USER PT. 2

Make Homer Eat at the Krusty Burger

Cost: Free

Time: 30 minutes

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



KRUSTY BURGER HEAVY USER PT. 3

Build a Gulp N' Blow

Cost: $135000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



MERCH IS THE SWEETEST PLUM

Make Krusty Promote a New Product

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: $50/5 XP



THE NEW EVERGREEN TERRACE PT. 5

Build the Blue House

Cost: $1800

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE GREATEST JOKE EVER HEARD

Make Ned Hold an Emergency Bible Study

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Ned

Reward: $100/10 XP



IT'S NOT EASY BEING GREEN

1. Plant a Tree

2. Plant a Shrub

Cost: task 1: $100; task 2: $25

Time: tasks 1 and 2: No Wait

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



QUICKY AT THE QWIK-E

Make Krusty Shop at the Kwik-E-Mart

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: $50/5 XP



THRILLHOUSE PT. 1

Build the Van Houten House

Cost: $3800

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Milhouse



THRILLHOUSE PT. 2

1. Send Lisa to Shop at the Kwik-E-Mart

2. Send Milhouse to Shop at the Kwik-E-Mart

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Milhouse

Reward: $100/10 XP



APU PLUS EIGHT

Make Apu Feed the Octuplets

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Apu

Reward: $50/5 XP



THE NEW EVERGREEN TERRACE PT. 6

Build the Pink House

Cost: $3400

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON

Make Milhouse Look for Puppy Goo-Goo

Cost: Free

Time: 10 minutes

Who Starts It: Milhouse

Reward: $100/10 XP



EVERYONE ALWAYS TELLS ME TO GO DO THIS

Make Milhouse Fly a Kite

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Milhouse

Reward: $100/10 XP



MOM, I SPILT MY DRINK

Make Milhouse Hide Wet Bedsheets

Cost: Free

Time: 6 seconds

Who Starts It: Milhouse

Reward: $100/10 XP



QUICKY AT THE QWIK-E

Make Milhouse Shop at the Kwik-E-Mart

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Milhouse

Reward: $50/5 XP



WE DO NEED YES EDUCATION PT. 1

Make Lisa Do Next Week's Homework

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hour

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



WE DO NEED YES EDUCATION PT. 2

Build Springfield Elementary

Cost: $10500

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: 100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Skinner



BACK ALLEY SOUFFLE

1. Have a Dumpster

2. Make Cletus Dig Through Garbage

Cost: task 1: $1000; task 2: Free

Time: task 1: No Wait; task 2: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Cletus

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE NEW EVERGREEN TERRACE PT. 7

Build the White House

Cost: $7700

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



MONKEY'S NEED EXERCISE TOO

Make Krusty Walk Mr. Teeny

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: $50/5 XP



SCHOOLHOUSE CROCK PT. 1

Make Skinner Be a Crossing Guard

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Skinner

Reward: $100/10 XP



SCHOOLHOUSE CROCK PT. 2

1. Tell Lisa to Go to School

2. Tell Milhouse to Go to School

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 6 hours

Who Starts It: Skinner

Reward: $100/10 XP



SCHOOLHOUSE CROCK PT. 3

Make Skinner Monitor the Halls

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Skinner

Reward: $100/10 XP



SCHOOLHOUSE CROCK PT. 4

Build Willie's Shack

Cost: $12000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Skinner

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Willie



SCHOOLHOUSE CROCK PT. 5

Make Willie Wax the Floors

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Skinner

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE BEST CHIMP DRAMA ON TV

Make Homer Watch Monkey Trauma Center Marathon

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $50/5 XP



LOOKING FOR DOVES IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

1. Have Trees x3

2. Make Skinner go Bird-Watching

Cost: task 1: $125 each; task 2: Free

Time: task 1: No Wait; task 2: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



IS IT EVEN AUTUMN?

Make Willie Rake Leaves

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Willie

Reward: $100/10 XP



QUICKY AT THE KWIK-E

Make Skinner Shop at the Kwik-E-Mart

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Skinner

Reward: $100/10 XP



IT'S PRONOUNCED NU-CLEAR PT. 1

Build the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant

Cost: $15000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Apu

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Burns



IT'S PRONOUNCED NU-CLEAR PT. 2

Build Reactor Core

Cost: $18500

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Burns

Reward: $100/10 XP



IT'S PRONOUNCED NU-CLEAR PT. 3

Build Control Building

Cost: $15000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Burns

Reward: $100/10 XP



IT'S PRONOUNCED NU-CLEAR PT. 4

Make Homer Work at the Power Plant

Cost: Free

Time: 16 hours

Who Starts It: Burns

Reward: $100/10 XP



LET YER HILLBILLIES BE HILLBILLIES

Make Cletus Brew Moonshine

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



ALL EYES ON KRUSTY

Make Krusty Walk Mr. Teeny

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: $100/10 XP



DECIMATION DAY!

Make Mr. Burns Fire a Random Employee

Cost: Free

Time: 45 seconds

Who Starts It: Burns

Reward: $50/5 XP



WHO STRANGLED THE CAT?

Make Willie Play the Bagpipes

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Willie

Reward: $100/10 XP



A LITTLE LIGHT READING

Make Mr. Burns Read from the Necronomicon

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Burns

Reward: $100/10 XP



BACK ALLEY SOUFFLE

Make Cletus Dig through Garbage

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Cletus

Reward: $100/10 XP



BART CRUSOE PT. 1

1. Make Lisa Go to School

2. Make Milhouse Go to School

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Milhouse

Reward: $100/10 XP



BART CRUSOE PT. 2

Build Bart's Treehouse

Cost: Free

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Milhouse

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Bart



BART CRUSOE PT. 3

Make Bart Skateboard

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



SKIPPING ROCKS

Make Bart Skip School

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



A REAL MAVERICK

Make Milhouse Fly His Scale Model Perfectly Level

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



JUST LIKE MOM USED TO MAKE

Make Willie have a Haggis Time!

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Willie

Reward: $100/10 XP



SANCTUS ARX NERDARIUM

Build the Springfield Library

Cost: $20500

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Skinner

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Martin



MY GLORIOUS RETURN!

1. Place Snapdragons x3

2. Make Martin Smell the Roses

Cost: task 1: $270 each; task 2: Free

Time: task 1: No Wait; task 2: 10 minutes

Who Starts It: Martin

Reward: $100/10 XP



ALLIES AT LAST PT. 1

Make Martin Ride a Bike

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Martin

Reward: $100/10 XP



ALLIES AT LAST PT. 2

1. Make Martin Study an All-Nighter

2. Make Bart Study an All-Nighter

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



FUN AT YOUR EXPENSE

1. Make Bart Paintball in the Brown House

2. Make Martin Paintball in the Brown House

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE DUNGEON KEEPER PT. 1

Make Bart Go to School

Cost: Free

Time: 6 hours

Who Starts It: Skinner

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE DUNGEON KEEPER PT. 2

Build the Android's Dungeon

Cost: $30000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Comic Book Guy



THE DUNGEON KEEPER PT. 3

Make Bart Loiter at the Android's Dungeon

Cost: Free

Time: 30 minutes

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



DEATH BY SQUISHEE

1. Make Bart Shop at the Kwik-E-Mart

2. Make Milhouse Shop at the Kwik-E-Mart

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



PASSION OF THE FLANDERS PT. 1

Build the First Church of Springfield

Cost: $32500

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Ned

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Lovejoy



PASSION OF THE FLANDERS PT. 2

1. Make Homer Go to Church

2. Make Ned Go to Church

3. Make Lovejoy Give a Sermon

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks 1-3: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Ned

Reward: $100/10 XP



PASSION OF THE FLANDERS PT. 3

1. Make Bart Go to Sunday School

2. Make Lisa Go to Sunday School

3. Make Milhouse Go to Sunday School

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks 1-3: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Ned

Reward: $100/10 XP



ONE IN EVERY FLOCK

Make Reverend Lovejoy Walk the Dog

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts it: Lovejoy

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE NEW EVERGREEN TERRACE PT. 8

Build the Orange House

Cost: $24500

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



THEY HAVE INTERNET ON COMPUTERS NOW? PT. 1

Build the Java Server

Cost: $26500

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Comic Book Guy

Reward: $100/10 XP



THEY HAVE INTERNET ON COMPUTERS NOW? PT. 2

Make the Comic Book Guy Visit the Java Server

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Comic Book Guy

Reward: $100/10 XP



IS THERE AN AL-COHOLIC HERE? PT. 1

Build Moe's Tavern

Cost: $32000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Moe + 25 XP for unlocking Marge



IS THERE AN AL-COHOLIC HERE? PT. 2

Make Homer Drink at Moe's

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



DOUBLE DOWN ON SHE'S A LOSER PT. 1

Build the Springfield Downs

Cost: $38000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



DOUBLE DOWN ON SHE'S A LOSER PT. 2

Place a Bet at the Springfield Downs

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



TEAMWORK!

1. Make Milhouse Go to School

2. Make Bart Skip School

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: task 1: 6 hours; task 2: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



ONCE YOU'VE GONE ORGANIC

Make Marge Shop at the Kwik-E-Mart

Cost: Free

Time: 1 hour

Who Starts It: Marge

Reward: $100/10 XP



TIME TO CLEAN HOUSE

Make Marge Clean the House

Cost: Free

Time: 3 hours

Who Starts It: Marge

Reward: $100/10 XP



I'M STALKING ON SUNSHINE

Make Moe Spy on Marge

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Moe

Reward: $100/10 XP



WHAT'S IN THE BACK ROOM

Make Moe Smuggle Endangered Species

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Moe

Reward: $100/10 XP



FREE BAND-AIDS WITH EVERY CUT PT. 1

Build Jake's Unisex Hair Palace

Cost: $29000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Marge

Reward: $100/10 XP



FREE BAND-AIDS WITH EVERY CUT PT. 2

Make Marge Visit Jake's

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Marge

Reward: $100/10 XP



TRUFFLE SURPRISE PT. 1

Make Homer Visit the Track

Cost: Free

Time: 3 hours

Who Starts It: Marge

Reward: $100/10 XP



TRUFFLE SURPRISE PT. 2

Make Homer Shop at* the Kwik-E-Mart

Cost: Free

Time: 1 hour

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



TRUFFLE SURPRISE PT. 3

Build the Gilded Truffle

Cost: $31000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Marge

Reward: $100/10 XP



TRUFFLE SURPRISE PT. 4

1. Make Homer Dine at the Gilded Truffle

2. Make Marge Dine at the Gilded Truffle

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 2 hours

Who Starts It: Marge

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE MYSTERIOUS BROWN HOUSE PT. 4

Make Cletus Harvest Copper Wire from the Brown House

Cost: Free

Time: 3 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



MIRANDA RIGHTS PT. 1

Build the Police Station

Cost: $40500

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Apu

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Wiggum



MIRANDA RIGHTS PT. 2

Make Chief Wiggum Patrol Springfield

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Apu

Reward: $100/10 XP



MIRANDA RIGHTS PT. 3

Make Chief Wiggum Eat at Krusty Burger

Cost: Free

Time: 30 minutes

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



MIRANDA RIGHTS PT. 4

Make Chief Wiggum Patrol Springfield

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE ONLY SPORT AMERICA STILL DOMINATES

1. Make Homer Eat at Krusty Burger x5

2. Make Comic Book Guy Eat at Krusty Burger x4

3. Make Chief Wiggum Eat at Krusty Burger x4

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks 1-3: 30 minutes each

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



NOTHING TO SEE HERE

Place Barriers x2

Cost: $760 each

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



WE DON'T SELL MYPODS PT. 1

Make Lisa Play the Saxophone x3

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours each

Who Starts It: Skinner

Reward: $100/10 XP



WE DON'T SELL MYPODS PT. 2

Build King Toot's

Cost: $37000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



SINGLES NIGHT

Make Skinner Drink at Moe's x2

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours each

Who Starts It: Moe

Reward: $100/10 XP



IT'S-A-ME, LUIGI!

Build Luigi's

Cost: $39000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Luigi



MOUSTACHE TOPPINGS

Make Luigi Visit Jake's Unisex Hair Palace

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Luigi

Reward: $100/10 XP



A JOLLY RIGHT MESS

Make Luigi Practice Fake Accent

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Luigi

Reward: $100/10 XP



AS AMERICAN AS APPLE PIE PT. 1

Make Comic Book Guy Eat at Krusty Burger

Cost: Free

Time: 30 minutes

Who Starts It: Comic Book Guy

Reward: $100/10 XP



AS AMERICAN AS APPLE PIE PT. 2

Make Comic Book Guy Eat at Gulp N' Blow

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Comic Book Guy

Reward: $100/10 XP



AS AMERICAN AS APPLE PIE PT. 3

Build Skip's Diner

Cost: $35500

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Comic Book Guy

Reward: $100/10 XP



AS AMERICAN AS APPLE PIE PT. 4

Make Comic Book Guy Eat at Skip's Diner

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Comic Book Guy

Reward: $100/10 XP



STRONG BODY, STRONG MIND

Make Burns Take a Brisk Constitutional

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Burns

Reward: $100/10 XP



ME TIME FOR MARGE

Make Marge Reach Chores Magazine

Cost: Free

Time: 45 seconds

Who Starts It: Marge

Reward: $100/10 XP



CRIME DOESN'T PAY UNLESS YOU MAKE IT

Build the Springfield Penitentiary

Cost: $46000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Snake



NO TRESPASSING

Build Chain Fences x5

Cost: $270 each

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE GREYING OF SPRINGFIELD

Build the Retirement Castle

Cost: $37500

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Grampa



GOOD SAMARITAN

Make Lisa Read to Old People

Cost: Free

Time: 2 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



FOR THE BIRDS

1. Have a Bench

2. Make Grampa Feed the Birds

Cost: task 1: $270; task 2: Free

Time: task 1: No Wait; task 2: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Grampa

Reward: $100/10 XP



RE-ELECT MAYOR QUIMBY PT. 1

Make Chief Wiggum Collect Bribes x3

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours each

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



RE-ELECT MAYOR QUIMBY PT. 2

Build the Town Hall

Cost: $48500

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Quimby



THE BUCK STOPS HERE, THE WORK ALSO

Make Quimby Write the Book on Ethics

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Quimby

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE MYSTERIOUS BROWN HOUSE PT. 5

Make Quimby Nape in the Brown House

Cost: Free

Time: 30 minutes

Who Starts It: Quimby

Reward: $100/10 XP



SCHOOL DAZE

1. Make Lisa Go to School

2. Make Bart Go to School

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 6 hours

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



STAFF NEEDS

Build Krabappel Apartments

Cost: $70000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Skinner

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Krabappel



A DAY IN THE LIFE

Make Edna Teach Classes

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Edna

Reward: $100/10 XP



ANOTHER DAY IN THE LIFE

Make Edna Teach Classes

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Edna

Reward: $100/10 XP



ANOTHER DETENTION

1. Make Skinner Go Birdwatching

2. Make Edna Host Detention

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: task 1: 24 hours; task 2: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Edna

Reward: $100/10 XP



IT'S 2.30 IN THE AFTERNOON SOMEWHERE

Make Edna Relax in the Teacher's Lounge

Cost: Free

Time: 1 hour

Who Starts It: Edna

Reward: $100/10 XP



PRINCIPAL PLUS INTEREST

1. Make Edna Dine at the Truffle

2. Make Ned Dine at the Truffle

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 2 hours

Who Starts It: Edna

Reward: $100/10 XP



A WOMAN SCORNED

Make Edna Go for a Smoke Break

Cost: Free

Time: 10 minutes

Who Starts It: Edna

Reward: $100/10 XP



ILLEGITIMATE CONCERN PT. 1

Make Bart Skip School

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



ILLEGITIMATE CONCERN PT. 2

1. Make Edna Host Detention

2. Make Bart Serve Detention

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: task 1: 12 hours; task 2: 6 hours

Who Starts It: Edna

Reward: $100/10 XP



ALL POWER TO THE PEOPLE

Make Edna Go on Strike

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Skinner

Reward: $100/10 XP



SCHOOL'S OUT FOREVER

1. Make Bart Skateboard

2. Make Lisa Do Next Week's Homework

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: task 1: 4 hours; task 2: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



CONCERNED PARENTS

1. Make Bart Go to Sunday School

2. Make Lisa Go to Sunday School

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Marge

Reward: $100/10 XP



LET'S LEARN ABOUT HELL

1. Make Bart Go to Sunday School

2. Make Lisa Go to Sunday School

3. Make Milhouse Go to Sunday School

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks 1-3: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE OLIVE BRANCH PT. 1

1. Make Bart Have a Sleepover

2. Make Milhouse Have a Sleepover

3. Make Martin Have a Sleepover

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks 1-3: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE OLIVE BRANCH PT. 2

1. Make Bart Go to the Library

2. Make Milhouse Go to the Library

3. Make Martin Go to the Library

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks 1-3: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Martin

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE OLIVE BRANCH PT. 3

1. Make Milhouse Pull the Fire Alarm

2. Make Bart Break into School Computer

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 10 minutes

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



CAUGHT RED HANDED

Make Milhouse Clean the School x2

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours each

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE OLIVE BRANCH PT. 4

Make Edna Teach Classes

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Edna

Reward: $100/10 XP



ANY GIVEN WEEKDAY

Make Bart Go to School

Cost: Free

Time: 6 hours

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



NERDS GONE WILD

Make Martin Play the Lute

Cost: Free

Time: 45 seconds

Who Starts It: Martin

Reward: $100/10 XP



NELSON

Build the Muntz House

Cost: $46500

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Martin

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Nelson



DARWIN'S BULLDOG

Make Nelson Shake Down Kids for Lunch Money

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Nelson

Reward: $100/10 XP



ZERO TOLERANCE

Make Nelson Serve Detention x3

Cost: Free

Time: 6 hours each

Who Starts It: Nelson

Reward: $100/10 XP



NELSON'S EDUCATIONAL EXPERIENCE PT. 1

Make Nelson Do Janitorial Work

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Nelson

Reward: $100/10 XP



NELSON'S EDUCATIONAL EXPERIENCE PT. 2

1. Make Willie Rake Leaves

2. Make Nelson Do Janitorial Work

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Willie

Reward: $100/10 XP



NELSON'S EDUCATIONAL EXPERIENCE PT. 3

1. Make Willie Wax the Floors

2. Make Nelson Do Janitorial Work

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: task 1: 24 hours; task 2: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Willie

Reward: $100/10 XP



SMELL YA LATER

Make Nelson Dump Spoiled Coleslaw in Van Houten House

Cost: Free

Time: 10 minutes

Who Starts It: Nelson

Reward: $100/10 XP



I'M A SUPERSTAR!

Make Nelson Play the Guitar

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Nelson

Reward: $100/10 XP



DARK HUMOR

Make Nelson Laugh at Other's Misfortune

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Nelson

Reward: $100/10 XP



WESTERN CIVILIZATION 101

Build Channel 6

Cost: $46000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Quimby

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Brockman



ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SLANT

Make Brockman Do an Undercover Report

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Brockman

Reward: $100/10 XP



GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD GRIEF

Broadcast Channel 6 News

Cost: $1200

Time: 16 hours

Who Starts It: Brockman

Reward: $100/10 XP



START THE REVELATION WITHOUT ME

Make Brockman Record Eye on Springfield

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Brockman

Reward: $100/10 XP



KENT BUY ME LOVE...OR...RATINGS

1. Build the Brown House

2. Make Brockman Create a Viewtube Video

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Brockman

Reward: $100/10 XP



KENT-NICHAL DIFFICULTIES

1. Build the Weather Station

2. Broadcast the Weather Report

Cost: task 1:$9500; task 2: $180

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Brockman

Reward: $100/10 XP



HOOKEY

Make Bart Skip School

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



HAHAHAHAHA SUCKER

Build Hibbert Family Practice

Cost: $53500

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Skinner

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Dr. Hibbert



BART'S CHECKUP

Make Bart Go for a Checkup

Cost: Free

Time: 10 minutes

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



GENERAL PRACTICE

Make Dr. Hibbert Practice Medicine

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Hibbert

Reward: $100/10 XP



MY PILLS!

Make Grampa Go for a Checkup

Cost: Free

Time: 10 minutes

Who Starts It: Grampa

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE CLETUS CONDITION

Make Cletus Go for a Checkup

Cost: Free

Time: 10 minutes

Who Starts It: Cletus

Reward: $100/10 XP



LUIGI'S GROWING PROBLEM

Make Luigi Go for a Checkup

Cost: Free

Time: 10 minutes

Who Starts It: Luigi

Reward: $100/10 XP



MAYORITAL DIFFICULTIES

Make Mayor Quimby Go for a Checkup

Cost: Free

Time: 10 minutes

Who Starts It: Quimby

Reward: $100/10 XP



MEDICAL INDUSTRY CORRUPTION

Make Mr. Burns Hide Nuclear Waste

Cost: Free

Time 8 hours

Who Starts It: Burns

Reward: $100/10 XP



GREY MATTER

Make Dr. Hibbert Deal Organs on the Black Market

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Hibbert

Reward: $100/10 XP



KENT AFFORD IT

Make Brockman Go for a Checkup

Cost: Free

Time: 10 minutes

Who Starts It: Brockman

Reward: $100/10 XP



CORPORATE SPONSOR

Make Dr. Hibbert Sacrifice His Principles

Cost: Free

Time: 6 hours

Who Starts It: Brockman

Reward: $100/10 XP



SHOW BIZ LIFE

1. Make Brockman Dine at the Truffle

2. Make Dr. Hibbert Dine at the Truffle

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 2 hours

Who Starts It: Brockman

Reward: $100/10 XP



KRAMP KRUSTY

Make Krusty Promote a New Product

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE FLAVORMAX

1. Make Homer Eat at Krusty Burger

2. Make Comic Book Guy Eat at Krusty Burger

3. Make Wiggum Eat at Krusty Burger

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks 1-3: 30 minutes

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



BUSINESS IS PICKING UP

1. Make Homer Go for a Checkup

2. Make Comic Book Guy Go for a Checkup

3. Make Wiggum Go for a Checkup

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks 1-3: 10 minutes

Who Starts It: Hibbert

Reward: $100/10 XP



GENERAL HOSPITAL

Build Springfield General Hospital

Cost: $65000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Hibbert

Reward: $100/10 XP



OPERATION!

Make Dr. Hibbert Perform Surgery

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Hibbert

Reward: $100/10 XP



SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY

Make Dr. Hibbert Do Surgery Outdoors

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Hibbert

Reward: $100/10 XP



EXECUTIVE LACKEY PT. 1

Make Homer Do a Plant Shift

Cost: Free

Time: 16 hours

Who Starts It: Burns

Reward: $100/10 XP



EXECUTIVE LACKEY PT. 2

Build Burns' Manor

Cost: $75500

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Burns

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Smithers



EXECUTIVE LACKEY PT. 3

1. Build the Post Office

2. Make Smithers Check the Mail

Cost: task 1: $69000; task 2: Free

Time: task 1: 24 hours; task 2: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Smithers

Reward: $100/10 XP



EXECUTIVE LACKEY PT. 4

1. Make Smithers Write Malibu Stacey News Letter

2. Make Smithers Whip it

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: task 1: 6 hours; task 2: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Comic Book Guy

Reward: $100/10 XP



EXECUTIVE LACKEY PT. 5

Make Smithers Become a Hideous Drunken Wreck x2

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours each

Who Starts It: Burns

Reward: $100/10 XP



EXECUTIVE LACKEY PT. 6

Make Smithers Sleep it Off in the Drunk Tank

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



EXECUTIVE LACKEY PT. 7

Make Smithers Attend an AA Meeting

Cost: Free

Time: 2 hours

Who Starts It: Burns

Reward: $100/10 XP



EXECUTIVE LACKEY PT. 8

Make Smithers Exercise for Mr. Burns

Cost: Free

Time: 1 hour

Who Starts It: Smithers

Reward: $100/10 XP



THIS LITTLE WIGGY PT. 1

Build Wiggum House

Cost: $58500

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Skinner

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Ralph



THIS LITTLE WIGGY PT. 2

Make Ralph Eat a Crayon Sandwich

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Quimby

Reward: $100/10 XP



THIS LITTLE WIGGY PT. 3

Build El Chemistri

Cost: $71500

Time: 1 day and 12 hours

Who Starts It: Comic Book Guy

Reward: $100/10 XP



THIS LITTLE WIGGY PT. 4

1. Make Ralph Eat at El Chemistri

2. Make Chief Wiggum Eat at El Chemistri

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



THIS LITTLE WIGGY PT. 5

Make Lisa Work on her Blog

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Ralph

Reward: $100/10 XP



THIS LITTLE WIGGY PT. 6

Make Brockman Do an Undercover Report

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Brockman

Reward: $100/10 XP



THIS LITTLE WIGGY PT. 7

Make Ralph Play Wiggle Puppy

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



THIS LITTLE WIGGY PT. 8

1. Make Nelson Go to School

2. Make Ralph Go to School

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 6 hours

Who Starts It: Nelson

Reward: $100/10 XP



BUDDHA'S GOT BACK PT. 1

Build the Springfield Buddhist Temple

Cost: $74000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Lovejoy

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Lenny + 25 XP for unlocking Carl



BUDDHA'S GOT BACK PT. 2

1. Make Lenny Drink at Moe's

2. Make Carl Drink at Moe's

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Lenny

Reward: $100/10 XP



LITTLE MISS MANTRA

Make Lisa Meditate

Cost: Free

Time: 30 minutes

Who Starts It: Lisa

Rewards: $100/10 XP



BUDDHA'S GOT BACK PT. 3

1. Make Lenny Do a Plant Shift

2. Make Carl Do a Plant Shift

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 16 hours

Who Starts It: Moe

Reward: $100/10 XP



BUDDHA'S GOT BACK PT. 4

1. Build the Adult Education Annex

2. Make Lenny Teach Class on Chewing Tobacco

3. Make Carl Date Lenny's Sister

Cost: task 1: $60500; tasks 2-3: Free

Time: task 1: 1 day and 12 hours; task 2-3: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Lenny

Reward: $100/10 XP



LENNY'S DOWNFALL PT. 1

Make Lenny Work on his Mystery Novel

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Lenny

Rewards: $100/10 XP



LENNY'S DOWNFALL PT. 2

Make Lenny Mope

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Lenny

Rewards: $100/10 XP



LENNY'S DOWNFALL PT. 3

Make Lenny Go in for Questioning

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Lenny

Rewards: $100/10 XP



LENNY'S DOWNFALL PT. 4

Make Lenny Serve Time

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Quimby

Rewards: $100/10 XP



CARL'S RISE UP THE LADDER PT. 1

Make Carl Go for Dinner at the Burns Mansion

Cost: Free

Time: 2 hours

Who Starts It: Burns

Rewards: $100/10 XP



CARL'S RISE UP THE LADDER PT. 2

1. Make Carl Sip Apple-tinis at Moe's

2. Make Smithers Sip Apple-tinis at Moe's

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Smithers

Rewards: $100/10 XP



CARL'S RISE UP THE LADDER PT. 3

1. Make Carl Dine at the Gilded Truffle

2. Make Brockman Dine at the Gilded Truffle

3. Make Carl Dine at El Chemistri

4. Make Brockman Dine at El Chemistri

Cost: tasks 1-4: Free

Time: tasks 1-4: 2 hours

Who Starts It: Brockman

Rewards: $100/10 XP



TRUE BROMANCE PT. 1

1. Make Lenny Crash at the Buddhist Temple

2. Make Carl Meditate

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: task 1: 12 hours; task 2: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Rewards: $100/10 XP



TRUE BROMANCE PT. 2

1. Make Lenny Do a Plant Shift

2. Make Carl Do a Plant Shift

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 16 hours

Who Starts It: Carl

Rewards: $100/10 XP



LEGITIMATE BUSINESS

Build the Businessman's Social Club

Cost: $63000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Quimby

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Fat Tony



THE CLEANER PT. 1

Make Fat Tony Join Mr. Burns for Dinner

Cost: Free

Time: 6 hours

Who Starts It: Smithers

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE CLEANER PT. 2

Make Fat Tony Get Rid of a Problem

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Burns

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE CLEANER PT. 3

Make Fat Tony Play the Violin

Cost: Free

Time: 1 hour

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE CLEANER PT. 4

Build Fat Tony's Compund

Cost: $85000

Time: 1 day and 12 hours

Who Starts It: Fat Tony

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Legs + 25 XP for unlocking Louie



BADFELLAS

1. Make Fat Tony Go to Moe's Tavern

2. Make Legs Go to Moe's Tavern

3. Make Louie Go to Moe's Tavern

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks 1-3: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Fat Tony

Rewards: $100/10 XP



EL-BARTITO'S WAY

Make Bart Serve Manhattans

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Bart

Rewards: $100/10 XP



CASINO RACINO

1. Make Marge Protest Something

2. Make Fat Tony Fix Races

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: task 1: 24 hours; task 2: 2 hours

Who Starts It: Marge

Reward: $100/10 XP



TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS

Make Louie and Legs Interrogate a Squealer

Cost: Free

Time: 1 hour

Who Starts It: Fat Tony

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE ITALIAN JOB

Make Fat Tony Go to Luigi's for a Special Dinner

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Luigi

Reward: $100/10 XP



GANGSTER PARADISE

1. Make Legs Perform a Hit

2. Make Louie Smuggle Goods

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Fat Tony

Reward: $100/10 XP



PUFF JUSTICE

1. Make Fat Tony Run Organized Crime from Prison

2. Make Legs and Louie Smuggle Goods

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: task 1: 24 hours; task 2: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



BUSINESS AS USUAL

1. Make Legs Protect Local Business

2. Make Louie Collect Tribute

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Fat Tony

Reward: $100/10 XP



PRINCIPALING AROUND

1. Make Luigi Play the Accordion

2. Make Skinner Go Bird Watching

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: task 1: 12 hours; task 2: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Luigi

Reward: $100/10 XP



HEY MILHOUSE - EUREKA!

Build the Skinner House

Cost: $196500

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Milhouse

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Agnes



THERE ARE WINNERS AND SKINNERS PT. 1

Make Agnes Hustle at Bingo

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Skinner

Reward: $100/10 XP



THERE ARE WINNERS AND SKINNERS PT. 2

Make Skinner Monitor the Halls

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Skinner

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE ODD-LOOKING COUPLE

Make Agnes Go on a Date with Comic Book Guy

Cost: Free

Time: 2 hours

Who Starts It: Comic Book Guy

Reward: $100/10 XP



THERE ARE WINNERS AND SKINNERS PT. 3

1. Make Agnes Do Silhouette Night

2. Make Skinner Do Silhouette Night

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Skinner

Reward: $100/10 XP



MAD WITH MUNICIPALLY FUNDED POWER

1. Make Martin, Lisa, Milhouse, Bart, Ralph, and Nelson Serve Detention x3

2. Make Mrs. Krabappel and Skinner Host Detention x2

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: task 1: 6 hours each; task 2: 12 hours each

Who Starts It: Martin

Reward: $100/10 XP



THERE ARE WINNERS AND SKINNERS PT. 4

Make Agnes Do Crossword Puzzle

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Agnes

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE WORLD IS MY TEACHER PT. 1

Make Bart Skip School

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE WORLD IS MY TEACHER PT. 2

Make Skinner Crash at Bart's Treehouse

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



COUCH SURFIN' USA PT. 1

Make Skinner Crash at Willie's Shack

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Willie

Reward: $100/10 XP



MOM IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER PT. 1

Make Agnes Free the Pigeons

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Agnes

Reward: $100/10 XP



COUCH SURFIN' USA PT. 2

Make Skinner Crash at Willie's Shack

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Edna

Reward: $100/10 XP



COUCH SURFIN' USA PT. 3

1. Make Skinner Crash at Willie's Shack

2. Make Agnes Hustle at Bingo

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: task 1: 12 hours; task 2: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Lovejoy

Reward: $100/10 XP



MOM IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER PT. 2

Make Agnes Sweep the Town

Cost: Free

Time: 6 hours

Who Starts It: Agnes

Reward: $100/10 XP



COUCH SURFIN' USA PT. 4

Make Skinner Crash at the Buddhist Temple

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Carl

Reward: $100/10 XP



COUCH SURFIN' USA PT. 5

Make Skinner Crash at the Wiggum House

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



PRODIGAL SKINNER PT. 1

1. Make Skinner Do Silhouette Night

2. Make Agnes Do Silhouette Night

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Agnes

Reward: $100/10 XP



PRODIGAL SKINNER PT. 2

Make Agnes Taunt Old People

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hour

Who Starts It: Skinner

Reward: $100/10 XP



MILITARY ANTIQUES PT. 1

Build Herman's Military Antiques

Cost: $249000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Marge

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Herman



MILITARY ANTIQUES PT. 2

Make Herman Run the Antique Shop

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Herman

Reward: $100/10 XP



CUSTOMERS PT. 1

Make Marge Browse Herman's Military Antiques

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Marge

Reward: $100/10 XP



CUSTOMERS PT. 2

Make Grampa Browse Herman's Military Antiques

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Herman

Reward: $100/10 XP



CUSTOMERS PT. 3

1. Make Bart Browse Herman's Military Antiques

2. Make Milhouse Browse Herman's Military Antiques

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



CUSTOMERS PT. 4

Make Fat Tony Buy Blunderbusses

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Fat Tony

Reward: $100/10 XP



MILITARY ANTIQUES PT. 3

Make Wiggum Read NRA Pamphlets

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



MILITARY ANTIQUES PT. 4

Make Apu Serve Time

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



MILITARY ANTIQUES PT. 5

Make Marge Protest...Something

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Marge

Reward: $100/10 XP



MILITARY ANTIQUES PT. 6

Make Herman Draft Battle Plans

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Marge

Reward: $100/10 XP



MILITARY ANTIQUES PT. 7

Make Herman Draft Battle Plans (Again)

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Marge

Reward: $100/10 XP



MILITARY ANTIQUES PT. 8

Make Herman Train for Battle

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Herman

Reward: $100/10 XP



MILITARY ANTIQUES PT. 9

1. Make Herman Stage a Coup

2. Make Marge Stage a Coup

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Herman

Reward: 3 Donuts



CELEB-O-MANIA PT. 1

Build the Wolfcastle Mansion

Cost: Free

Time: 1 day and 12 hours

Who Starts It: Wolfcastle

Reward:$100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Wolfcastle



CELEB-O-MANIA PT. 2

Make Wolfcastle Exercise

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Wolfcastle

Reward: $100/10 XP



EGOIN' CRAZY PT. 1

Make Krusty Inflate His Importance

Cost: Free

Time: 6 hours

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: $100/10 XP



EGOIN' CRAZY PT. 2

Make Brockman Record Eye on Springfield

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Brockman

Reward: $100/10 XP



CELEB-O-MANIA PT. 3

Make Burns Hide Nuclear Waste

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Burns

Reward: $100/10 XP



CLIMBING UP TO THE D-LIST PT. 1

1. Make Wolfcastle Shoot Show at Cletus's Farm

2. Make Cletus Yokel It Up at His Farm

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Cletus

Reward: $100/10 XP



CLIMBING UP TO THE D-LIST PT. 2

Make Wolfcastle Shoot Show at El Chemistri

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Cletus

Reward: $100/10 XP



CLIMBING UP TO THE D-LIST PT. 3

Make Homer Eat the Chief's Famous Guatemalan Insanity Pepper Chili

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Wolfcastle

Reward: $100/10 XP



CELEB-O-MANIA PT. 4

1. Make Wolfcastle Pose

2. Make Krabappel Go for a Smoke Break x3

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: task 1: 8 hours; task 2: 10 minutes each

Who Starts It: Carl

Reward: $100/10 XP



EGOIN' CRAZY PT. 3

Make Brockman Create a Viewtube Video

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Brockman

Reward: $100/10 XP



EGOIN' CRAZY PT. 4

Make Wolfcastle Go in for Closer Inspection of his Laces

Cost: Free

Time: 1 day and 12 hours

Who Starts It: Wolfcastle

Reward: $100/10 XP



CELEB-O-MANIA PT. 5

1. Make Carl Drink at Moe's

2. Make Lenny Drink at Moe's

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Carl

Reward: $100/10 XP



CLIMBING UP TO THE D-LIST PT. 4

1. Make Wolfcastle Shoot Show at The Pimento Grove

2. Make Moe Spook Patrons at The Pimento Grove

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Moe

Reward: $100/10 XP



CLIMBING UP TO THE D-LIST PT. 5

Make Marge Walk Maggie

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



CELEB-O-MANIA PT. 6

Make Wolfcastle Appear on a Talkshow

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Smithers

Reward: $100/10 XP



CELEB-O-MANIA PT. 7

Make Wolfcastle Relax in his Mansion

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Wolfcastle

Reward: $100/10 XP



CLIMBING UP TO THE D-LIST PT. 6

Make Wolfcastle Exercise

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Wolfcastle

Reward: $100/10 XP



EGOIN' CRAZY PT. 5

Make Wolfcastle Shoot Action Footage

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Wolfcastle

Reward: $100/10 XP



ROD AND TODD PRELUDE

1. Reach Level 32

2. Build Sir Putt-A-Lot's

Cost: $124600

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Rod + 25 XP for unlocking Todd



ROD AND TODD PT. 1

1. Make Rod Go Home

2. Make Todd Go Home

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



ROD AND TODD PT. 2

Make Lisa Babysit Rod and Todd

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



ROD AND TODD PT. 3

1. Place a See-Saw

2. Make Rod and Todd Play on the See-Saw

Cost: task 1: $760; task 2: Free

Time: tasks 1: No Wait; task 2: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



ROD AND TODD PT. 4

1. Make Rod Go for a Checkup

2. Make Todd Go for a Checkup

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 10 minutes

Who Starts It: Rod

Reward: $100/10 XP



ROD AND TODD PT. 5

1. Make Rod Go to School

2. Make Todd Go to School

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 6 hours

Who Starts It: Ned

Reward: $100/10 XP



ROD AND TODD PT. 6

1. Make Rod Go to Sunday School

2. Make Todd Go to Sunday School

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Ned

Reward: $100/10 XP



ROD AND TODD PT. 7

1. Place Monkey Bars

2. Make Rod Swing on the Monkey Bars

Cost: task 1: $760; task 2: Free

Time: task 1: No Wait; task 2: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



ROD AND TODD PT. 8

1. Make Rod Play Bible Blaster

2. Make Todd Eat Sugar

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Todd

Reward: $100/10 XP



ROD AND TODD PT. 9

Make Rod Pray

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



ROD AND TODD PT. 10

Make Todd Shop at the Kwik-E-Mart

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Todd

Reward: $100/10 XP



BREAD AND PUTTER PT. 1

1. Make Ned Set up a Minigolf Tournament

2. Make Homer Set up a Minigolf Tournament

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Ned

Reward: $100/10 XP



BREAD AND PUTTER PT. 2

1. Make Bart Go Minigolfing

2. Make Rod Go Minigolfing

3. Make Nelson Go Minigolfing

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks 1-3: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Ned

Reward: $100/10 XP



BREAD AND PUTTER PT. 3

1. Make Todd Go Minigolfing

2. Make Lisa Go Minigolfing

3. Make Martin Go Minigolfing

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks 1-3: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Ned

Reward: $100/10 XP



BREAD AND PUTTER PT. 4

1. Make Milhouse Go Minigolfing

2. Make Ralph Go Minigolfing

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Milhouse

Reward: $100/10 XP



BREAD AND PUTTER PT. 5

1. Make Bart Go Minigolfing

2. Make Todd Go Minigolfing

3. Make Ralph Go Minigolfing

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks 1-3: 24 hours 

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



BAD COPS PT. 1

Make Snake Rob the Kwik-E-Mart

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Snake

Reward: $100/10 XP



BAD COPS PT. 2

Place the S.W.A.T. Van

Cost: $97500

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Lou + 25 XP for unlocking Eddie



BAD COPS PT. 3

1. Place Training Wall

2. Make Eddie Train for Action

Cost: task 1: $270; task 2: Free

Time: task 1: No Wait; task 2: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



BAD COPS PT. 4

1. Make Lou Study Evidence

2. Make Wiggum Eat at Krusty Burger

3. Make Eddie Eat at Krusty Burger

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: task 1: 60 minutes; tasks 2 and 3: 30 minutes

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



BAD COPS PT. 5

Make Cletus Go in for Questioning

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Lou

Reward: $100/10 XP



CODE BROWN

1. Make Homer Break Into the Brown House and Watch T.V.

2. Make Bart Paintball in the Brown House

3. Make Cletus Harvest Copper Wire in the Brown House

4. Make Wiggum Nap in the S.W.A.T. Van

Cost: tasks 1-4: Free

Time: task 1: 3 minutes; task 2: 2 hours; task 3: 3 hours; task 4: 6 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



UNUSUAL SUSPECTS PT. 1

Make Homer Go in for Questioning

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Eddie

Reward: $100/10 XP



UNUSUAL SUSPECTS PT. 2

1. Make Lou Pursue Criminals

2. Make Eddie Track Down Criminals

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Lou

Reward: $100/10 XP



UNUSUAL SUSPECTS PT. 3

Make Wiggum Nap in the SWAT Van

Cost: Free

Time: 6 hours

Who Starts It: Brockman

Reward: $100/10 XP



MOE TOWN

Make Moe Spy on Midge

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Moe

Reward: $100/10 XP



UNUSUAL SUSPECTS PT. 4

Make Snake Con Money from Old People

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



UNUSUAL SUSPECTS PT. 5

Make Lou Interview Suspects

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



SPRINGFIELD CONFIDENTIAL PT. 1

1. Make Fat Tony Get Rid of a Problem

2. Make Legs Sell Smuggled Goods

3. Make Louie Perform a Hit

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: task 1: 12 hours; tasks 2 and 3: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Fat Tony

Reward: $100/10 XP



CRACKDOWN PT. 1

Make Wiggum Go on a Stake Out

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



CRACKDOWN PT. 2

Make Criminals Serve Time x20

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours each

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



CRACKDOWN PT. 3

Make Youth Serve Time x6

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours each

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



CRACKDOWN PT. 4

Make Brockman Go in for Questioning

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Brockman

Reward: $100/10 XP



CRACKDOWN PT. 5

1. Make Lou Teach Reform School

2. Make Bart Attend Reform School

3. Make Milhouse Attend Reform School

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks 1-3: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



SPRINGFIELD CONFIDENTIAL PT. 2

1. Make Quimby Collect Bribes

2. Make Fat Tony Fix Races

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: task 1: 4 hours; task 2: 2 hours

Who Starts It: Quimby

Reward: $100/10 XP



SPRINGFIELD CONFIDENTIAL PT. 3

1. Make Fat Tony Collect Construction Kickbacks

2. Make Legs Sell Smuggled Goods

3. Make Louie Collect Tribute

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: task 1: 8 hours; task 2: 8 hours; task 3: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Fat Tony

Reward: $100/10 XP



SPRINGFIELD CONFIDENTIAL PT. 4

1. Make Lou Investigate Corruption

2. Make Eddie Investigate Corruption

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Eddie

Reward: $100/10 XP



SPRINGFIELD CONFIDENTIAL PT. 5

Make Quimby Serve Time

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Lou

Reward: $100/10 XP



SPRINGFIELD CONFIDENTIAL PT. 6

1. Make Fat Tony Run Organized Crime from Prison

2. Make Legs Take a break in the Slammer

3. Make Louie Take a break in the Slammer

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: task 1: 24 hours; tasks 2 and 3: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



SPRINGFIELD CONFIDENTIAL PT. 7

Make Lisa Do Next Week's Homework

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



"SKINNERRRR?!" PT. 1

Build Springfield High School

Cost: $108500

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Chalmers



"SKINNERRRR?!" PT. 2

Make Chalmers Shout at Skinner

Cost: Free

Time: 1 hour

Who Starts It: Skinner

Reward: $100/10 XP



"SKINNERRRR?!" PT. 3

Make Chalmers Administer a Science Test

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Chalmers

Reward: $100/10 XP



NIGHT AT THE KNOWLEDGEUM PT. 1

Build the Knowledgeum

Cost: $177100

Time: 1 day and 12 hours

Who Starts It: Skinner

Reward: $100/10 XP



NIGHT AT THE KNOWLEDGEUM PT. 2

1. Make Lisa Spend the Night at the Knowledgeum

2. Make Skinner Spend the Night at the Knowledgeum

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



NIGHT AT THE KNOWLEDGEUM PT. 3

1. Make Lisa Fix the Science Curriculum

2. Make Skinner Fix the Science Curriculum

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



"SKINNERRRR?!" PT. 4

Make Chalmers Administer a Science Test

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Skinner

Reward: $100/10 XP



HIGH SCHOOL LOW PT. 1

Make Chalmers Visit Town Hall

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Chalmers

Reward: $100/10 XP



HIGH SCHOOL LOW PT. 2

Make Chalmers Intend Springfield High School

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Quimby

Reward: $100/10 XP



HIGH SCHOOL LOW PT. 3

1. Build the All Night Gym

2. Make Chalmers Lead Calisthenics

Cost: task 1: $70500; task 2: Free

Time: task 1: 24 hours; task : 4 hours

Who Starts It: Chalmers

Reward: $100/10 XP



HIGH SCHOOL LOW PT. 4

1. Place a Camp Fire

2. Make Chalmers Survive Off the Land

Cost: task 1: $2600; task 2: Free

Time: task 1: No Wait; task 2: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Chalmers

Reward: $100/10 XP



HIGH SCHOOL LOW PT. 5

Make Chalmers Intend Springfield High School

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Chalmers

Reward: $100/10 XP



HIGH SCHOOL LOW PT. 6

Make Chalmers Intend Springfield High School

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Chalmers

Reward: $100/10 XP



HIGH SCHOOL LOW PT. 7

Make Willie Build a Caber Toss Field

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Chalmers

Reward: $100/10 XP



HIGH SCHOOL LOW PT. 8

1. Make Legs Intimidate Students

2. Make Louie Intimidate Students

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Chalmers

Reward: $100/10 XP



HIGH SCHOOL LOW PT. 9

Make Chalmers Lead Calisthenics

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Chalmers

Reward: $100/10 XP



HIGH SCHOOL LOW PT. 10

Make Chalmers Visit Town Hall

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Chalmers

Reward: $100/10 XP



HIGH SCHOOL LOW PT. 11

1. Place a Minnow Pond

2. Make Chalmers Catch Some "DINNERRRR?!"

Cost: task 1: $4500; task 2: Free

Time: task 1: No Wait; task 2: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Chalmers

Reward: $100/10 XP



FOR THE LOVE OF MARGE PT. 1

Build the Spinster City Apartments

Cost: $182700

Time: 1 day and 12 hours

Who Starts It: Marge

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Selma + 25 XP for unlocking Patty



FOR THE LOVE OF MARGE PT. 2

1. Make Patty Visit the Simpson House

2. Make Selma Visit the Simpson House

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Patty

Reward: $100/10 XP



FOR THE LOVE OF MARGE PT. 3

1. Make Patty Watch MacGyver at the Simpson House

2. Make Selma Watch MacGyver at the Simpson House

3. Make Homer Play with his myPad x3

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 12 hours; task 3: 45 seconds each

Who Starts It: Patty

Reward: $100/10 XP



FOR THE LOVE OF MARGE PT. 4

1. Make Patty Take a Smoke Break

2. Make Selma Take a Smoke Break

3. Make Homer Be Sick

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks 1-3: 24 hours 

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



CAREER ASPIRATIONS PT. 1

Build the DMV

Cost: $112000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



CAREER ASPIRATIONS PT. 2

1. Make Patty Work at the DMV

2. Make Selma Work at the DMV

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Patty

Reward: $100/10 XP



CAREER ASPIRATIONS PT. 3

Make Marge Look for Homer's License

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



CAREER ASPIRATIONS PT. 4

Make Homer Take Driver Training

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Patty

Reward: $100/10 XP



CAREER ASPIRATIONS PT. 5

1. Make Patty Take a Smoke Break

2. Make Selma Take a Smoke Break

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



UP IN SMOKE PT. 1

Make Homer Lobby for Tobacco Control

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



UP IN SMOKE PT. 2

Make Quimby Ban Tobacco

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Miss Springfield

Reward: $100/10 XP



UP IN SMOKE PT. 3

1. Make Patty Point Out Homer's Flaws

2. Make Selma Buy "Lady Laramie 100s"

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 6 hours

Who Starts It: Patty

Reward: $100/10 XP



UP IN SMOKE PT. 4

Make Herman Import Contraband Tobacco

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Herman

Reward: $100/10 XP



UP IN SMOKE PT. 5

Make Wiggum Patrol Springfield

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



UP IN SMOKE PT. 6

Make Selma Buy Contraband Tobacco

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Patty

Reward: $100/10 XP



UP IN SMOKE PT. 7

Make Chief Wiggum Go on a Stake Out

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



UP IN SMOKE PT. 8

Make Quimby Buy Contraband Tobacco

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Quimby

Reward: $100/10 XP



UP IN SMOKE PT. 9

Make Homer Lobby for Tobacco Legalization

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Marge

Reward: $100/10 XP



UP IN SMOKE PT. 10

Make Quimby Re-Legalize Tobacco

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Quimby

Reward: $100/10 XP



UP IN SMOKE PT. 11

1. Make Patty Visit the Simpson House

2. Make Selma Visit the Simpson House

3. Make Homer Be Sick

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks 1-3: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Selma

Reward: $100/10 XP



RUNNING WITH THE BULLIES PT. 1

Build the Noise Land Video Arcade

Cost: $132000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Nelson

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Dolph



RUNNING WITH THE BULLIES PT. 2

1. Make Nelson Shop At Kwik-E-Mart

2. Make Dolph Shoplift

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Dolph

Reward: $100/10 XP



RUNNING WITH THE BULLIES PT. 3

Make Bart Skateboard

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Marge

Reward: $100/10 XP



RUNNING WITH THE BULLIES PT. 4

1. Make Bart Hide Out in the Brown House

2. Make Nelson Hide Out in the Brown House

3. Make Dolph Hide Out in the Brown House

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks 1-3: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Dolph

Reward: $100/10 XP



RUNNING WITH THE BULLIES PT. 5

1. Make Nelson Play the Guitar

2. Make Bart Skip School

3. Make Dolph Torment Classmates

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks 1-3: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Dolph

Reward: $100/10 XP



RUNNING WITH THE BULLIES PT. 6

Make Bart Skateboard

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Dolph

Reward: $100/10 XP



RUNNING WITH THE BULLIES PT. 7

1. Make Dolph Vandalize the Kwik-E-Mart

2. Make Bart Vandalize the Kwik-E-Mart

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Dolph

Reward: $100/10 XP



RUNNING WITH THE BULLIES PT. 8

Make Dolph Act Out Agression

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Nelson

Reward: $100/10 XP



RUNNING WITH THE BULLIES PT. 9

Make Bart Mess with Luigi's Recipe

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Nelson

Reward: $100/10 XP



RUNNING WITH THE BULLIES PT. 10

Make Fat Tony Have a Dinner Special at Luigi's

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Fat Tony

Reward: $100/10 XP



RUNNING WITH THE BULLIES PT. 11

1. Make Business Owners Check in with Fat Tony x5

2. Make Fat Tony Check in with Business Owners

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: task 1:8 hours each; task 2: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Fat Tony

Reward: $100/10 XP



RUNNING WITH THE BULLIES PT. 12

1. Make Legs Threaten the Bullies

2. Make Louie Threaten the Bullies

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Fat Tony

Reward: $100/10 XP



RUNNING WITH THE BULLIES PT. 13

Make Bart Hide from Bullies

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Nelson

Reward: $100/10 XP



RUNNING WITH THE BULLIES PT. 14

1. Make Bart Get Help from Lisa

2. Make Lisa Help Bart

3. Make Dolph Get Help from Martin

4. Make Martin Help Dolph

Cost: tasks 1-4: Free

Time: tasks 1-4: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Dolph

Reward: $100/10 XP



RUNNING WITH THE BULLIES PT. 15

1. Make Fat Tony Take a Legitimate Business Meeting

2. Make Bart Attend a Legitimate Business Meeting

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 30 minutes

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



RUNNING WITH THE BULLIES PT. 16

Make Citizens Eat at Luigi's x20

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours each

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



RUNNING WITH THE BULLIES PT. 17

1. Make Nelson Laugh at the Mishaps of Others

2. Make Dolph Loiter with an Adult Magazine

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



CANDY DAY

1. Make Bart Shop at the Kwik-E-Mart

2. Make Milhouse Shop at the Kwik-E-Mart

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



BACHELOR ARMS

Build the Bachelor Arms

Cost: $169000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Marge

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Kirk



WEEKEND DAD PT. 1

1. Make Kirk Eat at Krusty Burger

2. Make Milhouse Eat at Krusty Burger

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 30 minutes

Who Starts It: Milhouse

Reward: $100/10 XP



WEEKEND DAD PT. 2

Make Kirk Cry Siting Down in the Shower

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Marge

Reward: $100/10 XP



WEEKEND DAD PT. 3

Make Kirk Thaw Frozen Hotdogs in the Sink

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Kirk

Reward: $100/10 XP



WEEKEND DAD PT. 4

Make Kirk Work at the School

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Kirk

Reward: $100/10 XP



WEEKEND DAD PT. 5

Make Brockman Relax

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Kirk

Reward: $100/10 XP



WEEKEND DAD PT. 6

Make Kirk Work as a Library Door Monitor

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Kirk

Reward: $100/10 XP



WEEKEND DAD PT. 7

Make Kirk Serve Time

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



WEEKEND DAD PT. 8

Make Kirk Advertise Condos

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Fat Tony

Reward: $100/10 XP



WEEKEND DAD PT. 9

Make Kirk Protect Crops

Cost: Free

Time: 16 hours

Who Starts It: Cletus

Reward: $100/10 XP



WEEKEND DAD PT. 10

Make Kirk Work as an Assistant Dishwasher

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Milhouse

Reward: $100/10 XP



WEEKEND DAD PT. 11

Make Kirk Gold-Farm in Homer's Happy Little Elves Game

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Kirk

Reward: $100/10 XP



WEEKEND DAD PT. 12

Make Kirk Gold-Farm in Homer's Happy Little Elves Game x3

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours each

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



WEEKEND DAD PT. 13

Place the Golden Calf Idol

Cost: Free

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



WEEKEND DAD PT. 14

Make Kirk Get Belittled by Nerds

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Kirk

Reward: $100/10 XP



WEEKEND DAD PT. 15

1. Build the Unemployment Office

2. Make Kirk Get Unemployment Checks

Cost: task 1: $207000; task 2: Free

Time: task 1: 1 day and 12 hours; task 2: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Kirk

Reward: $100/10 XP



WEEKEND DAD PT. 16

1. Make Kirk Eat at Krusty Burger

2. Make Milhouse Eat at Krusty Burger

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 30 minutes

Who Starts It: Milhouse

Reward: $100/10 XP



SCANDALOUS SPENDING PT. 1

Make Chief Wigggum Procrastinate

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



SCANDALOUS SPENDING PT. 2

Make Chief Wiggum Use Free Wi-Fi at Java Server

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



SCANDALOUS SPENDING PT. 3

Make Comic Book Guy Become a Slacktivist

Cost: Free

Time: 30 minutes

Who Starts It: Comic Book Guy

Reward: $100/10 XP



SCANDALOUS SPENDING PT. 4

Make Chief Wiggum Bust Budget Blogger

Cost: Free

Time: 10 hours

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



SCANDALOUS SPENDING PT. 5

Build Court House

Cost: $131400

Time: 1 day and 12 hours

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Snyder



SCANDALOUS SPENDING PT. 6

1. Make Comic Book Guy Attend Court Hearing

2. Make Chief Wiggum Attend Court Hearing

3. Make Judge Snyder Preside Over a Court Session

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 12 hours; task 3: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



TWO EXTRA EYES ON SPRINGFIELD PT. 1

Make Brockman Find a Human Interest Piece

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Brockman

Reward: $100/10 XP



TWO EXTRA EYES ON SPRINGFIELD PT. 2

Make Brockman Snoop on Fellow Springfielders

Cost: Free

Time: 5 hours

Who Starts It: Brockman

Reward: $100/10 XP



TWO EXTRA EYES ON SPRINGFIELD PT. 3

Make Brockman Broadcast Internet Gossip as News

Cost: Free

Time: 6 hours

Who Starts It: Brockman

Reward: $100/10 XP



TWO EXTRA EYES ON SPRINGFIELD PT. 3

Make Citizens Protest x15

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours each

Who Starts It: Ned

Reward: $100/10 XP



TWO EXTRA EYES ON SPRINGFIELD PT. 4

Make Citizens Storm Police Station x15

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours each

Who Starts It: Marge

Reward: $100/10 XP



TWO EXTRA EYES ON SPRINGFIELD PT. 5

Make Quimby Give a Speech

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



TWO EXTRA EYES ON SPRINGFIELD PT. 6

1. Make Chief Wiggum Attend Court Hearing

2. Make Citizens Attend Court Hearing x15

3. Make Judge Snyder Preside Over a Court Session

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 12 hours each; task 3: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: $100/10 XP



SNYDER HOUSE RULES PT. 1

1. Place a Minnow Pond

2. Make Judge Snyder Take a 24 Hour Vacation

Cost: task 1: $4500; task 2: free

Time: task 1: No Wait; task 2: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Snyder

Reward: $100/10 XP



SNYDER HOUSE RULES PT. 2

Make Judge Snyder Try Out for a Role

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Snyder

Reward: $100/10 XP



SNYDER HOUSE RULES PT. 3

Make Judge Snyder Get in Shape for a Role

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: $100/10 XP



SNYDER HOUSE RULES PT. 4

Make Judge Snyder Act in a Local Film

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: $100/10 XP



A PERFECTLY CROMULENT JOB PT. 1

Build Sanjay's House

Cost: $438000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Dolph

Reward: $100/10 XP



A PERFECTLY CROMULENT JOB PT. 2

1. Make Apu Heartily Celebrate Sanjay's Return

2. Make Sanjay Heartily Celebrate Sanjay's Return

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 45 seconds

Who Starts It: Sanjay

Reward: $100/10 XP



A PERFECTLY CROMULENT JOB PT. 3

1. Make Apu Negotiate an Employment Contract

2. Make Sanjay Negotiate an Employment Contract

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 5 hours

Who Starts It: Sanjay

Reward: $100/10 XP



A PERFECTLY CROMULENT JOB PT. 4

Make Sanjay Work a 16 Hour Shift

Cost: Free

Time: 16 hours

Who Starts It: Sanjay

Reward: $100/10 XP



A PERFECTLY CROMULENT JOB PT. 5

Make Sanjay Drink with Homer

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



A PERFECTLY CROMULENT JOB PT. 6

1. Make Apu Fume

2. Make Sanjay Sulk

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 16 hours

Who Starts It: Sanjay

Reward: $100/10 XP



A PERFECTLY CROMULENT JOB PT. 7

Make Sanjay Party Like It's on Sale for $19.99

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Sanjay

Reward: $100/10 XP



A PERFECTLY CROMULENT JOB PT. 8

Make Sanjay Skateboard

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Sanjay

Reward: $100/10 XP



A PERFECTLY CROMULENT JOB PT. 9

Make Apu Work a 48 Hour Shift

Cost: Free

Time: 48 hours

Who Starts It: Apu

Reward: $100/10 XP



A PERFECTLY CROMULENT JOB PT. 10

1. Make Burns Shop 'Till You Drop

2. Make Smithers Shop 'Till You Drop

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 3 hours

Who Starts It: Burns

Reward: $100/10 XP



A PERFECTLY CROMULENT JOB PT. 11

Make Springfielders Shop 'Till You Drop x15

Cost: Free

Time: 3 hours each

Who Starts It: Apu

Reward: $100/10 XP



A PERFECTLY CROMULENT JOB PT. 12

Make Apu Pray to Ganesh

Cost: Free

Time: 45 seconds

Who Starts It: Apu

Reward: $100/10 XP



A PERFECTLY CROMULENT JOB PT. 13

Make Springfielders Shop 'Till You Drop x10

Cost: Free

Time: 3 hours each

Who Starts It: Apu

Reward: $100/10 XP



A PERFECTLY CROMULENT JOB PT. 14

Make Apu Recuperate in the Hospital

Cost: Free

Time: 48 hours

Who Starts It: Apu

Reward: $100/10 XP



A PERFECTLY CROMULENT JOB PT. 15

1. Make Apu Reconcile

2. Make Sanjay Reconcile

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 2 hours

Who Starts It: Apu

Reward: $100/10 XP



A PERFECTLY CROMULENT JOB PT. 16

Make Sanjay Work a 1 hour Shift

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Sanjay

Reward: $100/10 XP



CHOCOLATE PAIN PT. 1

1. Make Lisa Write a Letter of Complaint

2. Make Ralph Try to Sign His Name

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 2 hours

Who Starts It: Skinner

Reward: $100/10 XP



CHOCOLATE PAIN PT. 2

Build the Ah, Fudge! Factory

Cost: $600000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Miss Hoover + 25 XP for unlocking Cocoa Beanie



CHOCOLATE PAIN PT. 3

1. Make Lisa Go on a Fudge-Tastic Tour

2. Make Ralph Go on a Fudge-Tastic Tour

3. Make Miss Hoover Play a Freemium Game on her Phone

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks 1-3: 6 hours

Who Starts It: Hoover

Reward: $100/10 XP



CHOCOLATE PAIN PT. 4

1. Make Lisa and Ralph Stick Together

2. Make Cocao Beanie Take Miss Hoover on a Private Tour

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 16 hours

Who Starts It: Cocoa Beanie

Reward: $100/10 XP



CHOCOLATE PAIN PT. 5

1. Make Lisa Go to School

2. Make Ralph Go to School

3. Make Miss Hoover Get Ready for her Date

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks 1-3: 6 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



CHOCOLATE PAIN PT. 6

Make Miss Hoover and Cocoa Beanie Go on a Date

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours each

Who Starts It: Hoover

Reward: $100/10 XP



CHOCOLATE PAIN PT. 7

Make Miss Hoover and Cocoa Beanie Go to Krusty's Cabaret

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours each

Who Starts It: Hoover

Reward: $100/10 XP



CHOCOLATE PAIN PT. 8

1. Make Krusty Cabereducate

2. Make Miss Hoover Get Cabereducated

3. Make Smithers Get Cabereducated

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks 1-3: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Hoover

Reward: $100/10 XP



CHOCOLATE PAIN PT. 9

1. Make Krusty Hold a Dance-Off

2. Make Miss Hoover Attend a Dance-Off

3. Make Smithers Get Attend a Dance-Off

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks 1-3: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Hoover

Reward: $100/10 XP



CHOCOLATE PAIN PT. 10

Make Miss Hoover Dance

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Cocoa Beanie

Reward: $100/10 XP



CHOCOLATE PAIN PT. 11

Make Dolph Like Kearney's Video 1,000,000 Times

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Dolph

Reward: $100/10 XP



CHOCOLATE PAIN PT. 12

1. Make Parents Report Inappropriate Teacher Conduct x10

2. Make Skinner Hide Under his Desk

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 12 hours each

Who Starts It: Marge

Reward: $100/10 XP



CHOCOLATE PAIN PT. 13

1. Make Marge Intervene with Miss Hoover

2. Make Miss Hoover Defy Marge

3. Make Homer Each Confiscated Candy

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks 1-3: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Skinner

Reward: $100/10 XP



CHOCOLATE PAIN PT. 14

Make Miss Hoover and Cocoa Beanie Make Big Plans

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Hoover

Reward: $100/10 XP



CHOCOLATE PAIN PT. 15

1. Make Children Gang Up on Cocoa Beanie x10

2. Make Cocoa Beanie Get Beaten Up

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: task 1: 24 hours each; task 2: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



CHOCOLATE PAIN PT. 16

Make Miss Hoover Avoid Work

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



HIBBERT AIN'T GOT SHED

This is just dialogue between Hibbert and Homer and acts as a precursor to the Chester Dupree quest.



VULGARI ASPIRATIONS PT. 1

Build the Vulgari Jewelry Store

Cost: $800000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Moe

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Bernice



VULGARI ASPIRATIONS PT. 2

Make Bernice Pick on Marge

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Bernice

Reward: $100/10 XP



VULGARI ASPIRATIONS PT. 3

Make Bernice Shop the Day Away

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Bernice

Reward: $100/10 XP



VULGARI ASPIRATIONS PT. 4

Make Bernice Argue with her Husband

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Bernice

Reward: $100/10 XP



VULGARI ASPIRATIONS PT. 5

1. Make Bernice Drink at Moe's

2. Make Drunks Drink at Moe's x5

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 8 hours each

Who Starts It: Bernice

Reward: $100/10 XP



VULGARI ASPIRATIONS PT. 6

Make Bernice Fall Off the Wagon

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



VULGARI ASPIRATIONS PT. 7

1. Make Dr. Hibbert Organize an Intervention for Bernice

2. Make Springfielders Attend an Intervention for Bernice x10

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 3 hours

Who Starts It: Bernice

Reward: $100/10 XP



VULGARI ASPIRATIONS PT. 8

1. Make Bernice Attend an AA Meeting

2. Make Drunks Attend an AA Meeting x5

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 60 minutes each

Who Starts It: Bernice

Reward: $100/10 XP/1 Donut



VULGARI ASPIRATIONS PT. 9

Make Bernice Make-Up with her Husband

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Bernice

Reward: $100/10 XP



FOR YOUR SECURITY

Use the Town Census to Find Someone

Cost: Free

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Marge

Reward: $100/10 XP



ISLANDS IN THE REVENUE STREAM PT. 1

Build the Itchy & Scratchy Studio

Cost: $800000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Roger Myers Jr.



ISLANDS IN THE REVENUE STREAM PT. 2

Make Roger Myers Jr. Shout at the Writers

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Roger Myers Jr.

Reward: $100/10 XP



ISLANDS IN THE REVENUE STREAM PT. 3

Make Krusty Be a Sad Clown

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: $100/10 XP



ISLANDS IN THE REVENUE STREAM PT. 4

Make Roger Myers Jr. Negotiate New Media Rights

Cost: Free

Time: 10 hours

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: $100/10 XP



KRUSTY THE HAIR COLORIST PT. 1

Make Krusty Block Blue-Hairs from Krusty Burger

Cost: Free

Time: 3 hours

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: $100/10 XP



ISLANDS IN THE REVENUE STREAM PT. 5

Make Roger Myers Jr. "Sign" on the Dotted Line

Cost: Free

Time: 2 hours

Who Starts It: Roger Myers Jr.

Reward: $100/10 XP



ISLANDS IN THE REVENUE STREAM PT. 6

Make Roger Myers Jr. Shout at the Web Designers

Cost: Free

Time: 10 hours

Who Starts It: Roger Myers Jr.

Reward: $100/10 XP



KRUSTY THE HAIR COLORIST PT. 2

Make Krusty Discriminate Against Blue-Haired People

Cost: Free

Time: 5 hours

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: $100/10 XP



ISLANDS IN THE REVENUE STREAM PT. 7

Make Kids Write Angry Letters x10

Cost: Free

Time: 10 hours each

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



ISLANDS IN THE REVENUE STREAM PT. 8

Make Roger Myers Jr. Read Hate Mail

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Roger Myers Jr.

Reward: $100/10 XP



KRUSTY THE HAIR COLORIST PT. 3

1. Make Milhouse Take Krusty to Court

2. Make Judge Snyder Preside Over Court Session

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Milhouse

Reward: $100/10 XP



ISLANDS IN THE REVENUE STREAM PT. 9

Make Roger Myers Jr. Relax with a Cigar

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Roger Myers Jr.

Reward: $100/10 XP



ISLANDS IN THE REVENUE STREAM PT. 10

1. Make Krusty Get a Piece of the Action

2. Make Roger Myers Jr. Shout at the Animators

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Roger Myers Jr.

Reward: $100/10 XP



MAXIMUM ITCHYLOAD

Make Kids Watch Itchy & Scratchy x8

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours each

Who Starts It: Bart

Rewards: $100/10 XP



DATABASE RECOVERY PT. 1

Build Honest John's Computers

Cost: $1058000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Carl

Rewards: $100/10 XP



DATABASE RECOVERY PT. 2

1. Make Townspeople Hang Out at Honest John's Computers x10

2. Make Database Be Alone

Cost: Free

Time: task 1: 6 hours each; task 2: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Database

Rewards: $100/10 XP



BONSAI VIVANT PT. 1

Make Database Plant Bonsai

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Database

Rewards: $100/10 XP



BONSAI VIVANT PT. 2

Make Database Prune Bonsai

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Database

Rewards: $100/10 XP



BONSAI VIVANT PT. 3

Make Database Re-Pot Bonsai

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Database

Rewards: $100/10 XP



SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THIS UPDATE PT. 1

1. Make Database Go to School

2. Make Children Go to School x8

Cost: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 6 hours each

Who Starts It: Database

Rewards: $100/10 XP



SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THIS UPDATE PT. 2

Make Martin Ride a Bike

Cost: Free

Time: 6 hours

Who Starts It: Database

Rewards: $100/10 XP



SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THIS UPDATE PT. 3

Make Database Get Bullied

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Dolph

Rewards: $100/10 XP



SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THIS UPDATE PT. 4

Make Database Bully Himself

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Nelson

Rewards: $100/10 XP



SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THIS UPDATE PT. 5

Make Database Browse Magazines on Code

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Marge

Rewards: $100/10 XP



SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THIS UPDATE PT. 6

Make Database Nerd Out

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Database

Rewards: $100/10 XP



99 LUFT WORD BALLOONS PT. 1

1. Make Springfielders Tap Away Their Thoughts x15

2. Make Homer Tap Away His Thoughts

3. Make Database Bask in his Achievement

Cost: Free

Time: tasks 1, 2, and 3: 16 hours each

Who Starts It: Homer

Rewards: $100/10 XP



99 LUFT WORD BALLOONS PT. 2

Make Bart Skatebaord x3

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Rewards: $100/10 XP



99 LUFT WORD BALLOONS PT. 3

Make Database Meditate

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Rewards: $100/10 XP



BLOATATION DEVICE

1. Build Bloaters at the Squidport

2. Make Database Go for Shakes

3. Make Martin Go for Shakes

4. Make Lisa Go for Shakes

Cost: task 1: $650000; tasks 2, 3, and 4: Free

Time: task 1: 24 hours; tasks 2, 3 and 4: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Moe

Rewards: 5 Donuts



THE WAY I WISH WE WAS PT. 1

Place the ZiffCorp Sign

Cost: $550000

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Patty

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Artie



THE WAY I WISH WE WAS PT. 2

1. Make Homer Drink at Moe's

2. Make Artie Have a Glass of Soy Milk at Moe's

3. Make Moe Serve Drinks

Cost: Free

Time: tasks 1, 2, and 3: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Marge

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE WAY I WISH WE WAS PT. 3

1. Make Moe Spy on Midge

2. Make Artie Spy on Everyone

Cost: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE WAY I WISH WE WAS PT. 4

Make Artie Propose to Marge

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Artie

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE WAY I WISH WE WAS PT. 5

Make Artie Form Business Connections

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Artie

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE WAY I WISH WE WAS PT. 6

Make Springfielders Invest in ZiffCorp x10

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours each

Who Starts It: Artie

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE WAY I WISH WE WAS PT. 7

Make Artie Short Sell ZiffCorp Stock

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Lenny

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE WAY I WISH WE WAS PT. 8

1. Build Indoor Tennis Courts

2. Make Artie File for Bankruptcy

Cost: task 1: $516000; task 2: free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Artie

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE WAY I WISH WE WAS PT. 9

Build ZiffCorp Office Building

Cost: $101600

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Snyder

Reward: $100/10 XP



EASY A PT. 1

Build Classy Girls Strip Club

Cost: $1200000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Nelson

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for Mrs. Muntz



EASY A PT. 2

1. Make Nelson Change Mom s Status to  Not a Stripper"

2. Make Mrs. Muntz Binge on Nicotine

Cost: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Mrs. Muntz

Reward: $100/10 XP



EASY A PT. 3

Make Mrs. Muntz Find Out Who Nathan Zuckerman Is

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Mrs. Muntz

Reward: $100/10 XP



EASY A PT. 4

Make Mrs. Muntz Have a Counting Crows Phase

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Mrs. Muntz

Reward: $100/10 XP



EASY A PT. 5

Make Mrs. Muntz Meet Otto Behind the Kwik-E-Mart

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Mrs. Muntz

Reward: $100/10 XP



EASY A PT. 6

Make Mrs. Muntz Strip to Pay For College

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Mrs. Muntz

Reward: $100/10 XP



EASY A PT. 7

Make Mrs. Muntz Drop Out of College

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minuts

Who Starts It: Mrs. Muntz

Reward: $100/10 XP



DIALOGUE

Homer: Hello? Anybody here?

Homer: Huh. I guess it's true what they say about atomic blasts -- the safest place to be is ground zero.

Homer: I wonder where my loving family is...and Bart.

Homer: Whoa, whoa -- if there's one thing I've learned it's when you open books, bad things happen.

/ / /

Homer: See? Now I have to work.

Homer: Never open a book!

/ / /

Homer: The shaded box looks like a nice place to build a house. Which is lucky, because it's the only place they'll let you build it!

/ / /

Homer: Lisa! Thank God you're here to guide me through this tutorial.

Lisa: What happened?

Homer: Difficult to say, sweetie. The town blew up, I built our house and you showed up.

Homer: All we know for sure is, I'm completely blameless.

Lisa: Hmm. Maybe if we keep building things, Mom and Bart will show up too.

Homer: I'm sure they will. This thing would be way too sad if they didn't.

Lisa: Then let's do it. But first, we should clean this place up a bit.

Homer: You're joking, right?

/ / /

Homer: Cleaning, really!? I can't believe that's what passes for fun in games these days.

Lisa: It's tedious, I know. That's why I want to do some too!

/ / /

Lisa: Hey, I found a donut!

Homer: It looks like one of the donuts from the break room.

Lisa: It must have irradiated when the plant blew up.

Lisa: Now it has the power to locally speed up time...as well as to buy things, for some reason.

/ / /

Lisa: Since we're the only ones here, it's up to us to rebuild Springfield!

Homer: Or we could just move to Miami.

Homer: Think about it -- flamingos, palm trees, t-shirts that say "Miami" on them.

Lisa: It'll be easy! Or at least that's what I'm telling you to get you to do it.

Lisa: We'll start with our own street!

/ / /

Lisa: We built a road! I feel like Robert Moses in the giant book that took me two years to read.

/ / /

Homer: Like every great architect before me, I just can't...uh, architate...without a steady supply of salty, fatty snack foods.

Homer: We need to build the Kwik-E-Mart next.

Lisa: But Dad, the Kwik-E-Mart doesn't belong on Evergreen Terrace.

Homer: The layout of Springfield changes a lot.

Homer: One time our house was next to a prison so I could make a joke about how we lived next to a prison. Then five minutes later, no more prison. Weird, huh?

/ / /

Homer: Four hours to build the Kwik-E-Mart when it only took seconds to build my house?! Stupid contractors!

Lisa: Why don't you use that donut we found to speed things up?

/ / /

Homer: We're running a little low on cash, here. Got any ideas?

Lisa: We found some cleaning up, maybe we should look for more.

Homer: You mean, WORK for our money? Whose daughter ARE you seriously?

Lisa: But we could find some more donuts!

/ / /

Apu: Three robbery attempts today, all botched. Time to give thanks!

/ / /

Apu: Welcome to the Kwik-E-Mart's Grand Re-Opening Sale! Every expiration date is 50% off, and all nutritional information has been removed for your ignorance!

Homer: Outta my way! It's snack time.

Frink: Glaven! I come from an alternate Springfield in a parallel universe.

Homer: Well, you should hurry back there and let the good people of Alternate Springfield know that Alternate Homer is fixing to blow them up good.

Frink: Too late, you multi-dimesional train-wreck.

Frink: On the upside, these explosions have kablooey-ed the very fabric of space-time, making travel between Springfields possible.

Lisa: But...that doesn't make any sense.

Frink: Don't think about it too closely. Just accept it and keep playing.

/ / /

Frink: Welcome to Springfield Prime. As you can see, our city is vastly more advanced than your own.

Homer: Wow. I'd spend any amount of money -- real, actual money -- to have a town like this!

In-Game Message: Every day, you can interact with three different buildings in each other Springfield you visit!

/ / /

Lisa: We should visit other Springfields every day! It could help us rebuild our own Springfield. AND it's great exercise!

/ / /

Homer: 5 days? But I need whatever-it-is right now! It's a matter of life and death, possibly!

Lisa: We could get one with Donuts.

Homer: Donuts? Mystery Box? Donuts? Mystery Box?

Homer: Mystery Box!

/ / /

Homer: Woo-hoo! Spend six donuts to get ten? What a deal!

Lisa: It might just be beginners luck.

Homer: The only way to find out is to buy a hundred more of those boxes!

/ / /

Lisa: Ah, Kwik-E-Mart -- the one place where I can get a hot-dog. Apu puts no meat in them at all.

Lisa: If we were willing to drive an extra couple blocks to the supermarket, we could have real food at reasonable prices. But we aren't and never will be.

/ / /

Homer: Oh, no, you're not spending a full hour there! You're not done helping me through this tutorial.

/ / /

Lisa: It's kind of lonely around here.

Lisa: We should rebuild one of our neighbors' houses.

Homer: Woo-hoo!

Homer: The sooner I get neighbors, the sooner I can borrow their stuff and never return it.

/ / /

Homer: We've lived next to that Brown House for years, and I've never seen anyone go in or out.

Lisa: I guess the owner is away a lot.

Homer: It's nicely furnished. Very tasteful.

Lisa: Get away from their window, Dad.

Homer: Lisa, look! They have 3-D TV, and the glasses -- they're just my size!

Homer: It must be a sign!

Lisa: You're not going to break into our neighbors' home to watch TV, are you?

Homer: Of course not! I would hope you'd know me better than that.

/ / /

Lisa: Evergreen Terrace is starting to take shape. Now we need to build the Flanders house.

Homer: Okay.

Homer: Let's start by looking for the spot on the map furthest from any place I'd ever want to go...

Lisa: But Dad, Mr. Flanders is our neighbor, so we'll have to move the Kwik-E-Mart somewhere first.

Homer: *grumbles* Okay, but I better get an achievement for this.

/ / /

Ned: Hi-dilly-ho, neighboreenos!

Homer: Stupid Flanders, getting into the game so early.

/ / /

Lisa: We've got to decrease the carbon footprint of our city!

Homer: If you're asking me to turn the lights off when I leave the house, forget it.

Lisa: Actually, I was thinking we should plant some trees.

Lisa: The "Inconvenient Truth" is this place looks boring!

/ / /

Lisa: Remember kids, if you don't help the environment you don't get to feel smug about it!

Lisa: Look, we've increased our Tree-hugging rating!

Lisa: You can tap a rating to find out how to improve it.

Homer: We should spend some donuts on a Special Decoration! Keep your Vanity rating high -- it's what Jebus would do.

/ / /

Lisa: Some decorations that cost donuts increase how much money we earn from Jobs and Buildings.

/ / /

Lisa: If I'm going to be a great jazz saxophonist, I'll need a larger community to ignore and misunderstand me!

/ / /

In-Game Message: Congratulations, you've completed the tutorial. The halcyon days of us showing you what to tap are over.

/ / /

Homer: Woo-hoo! What's next?

Frink: I'm afraid the rest of Springfield is still lost in the outer space-time warp continuum. You'll have to wait for it to recombobulate to continue.

Homer: How long will that take?

Frink: According to my calculations, now. Or a little longer if the rest of the game needs to download.

In-Game Message: You'll be taken back to the Start screen briefly and then you can continue playing.

/ / /

Lisa: We should find another Springfield to visit.

Lisa: And the more friends we have, the more money we get from the Daily Bonus!

/ / /

Ned: More than one Springfield?

Ned: That's like saying there's more than one God! And that's Apu talk!

/ / /

Lisa: I got a friend! "Dear Diary, today was amazing..."

/ / /

Lisa: I'm going to read this book about famous jazz musicians, outside. You should come with me, Dad.

Homer: I'd love to enjoy some nature, but there's nowhere to sit. Maybe I'll stay inside and watch the game.

/ / /

Homer: A bench? Thanks, sweetie.

Homer: But Daddy is kind of into the game now, and if Daddy doesn't yell at the TV, Daddy is worried the stupid referee won't know what a stupid jerk he is.

/ / /

Lisa: Mr. Flanders, aren't we supposed to be hospitable to strangers?

Ned: By golly Lisa, you're right! Perhaps a power walk will calm my nerves. I need to get Prefontaine in the membrane.

/ / /

Lisa: That book had a lot of interesting tips in it. I should practice!

/ / /

Homer:*bzzt* *bzzt* What's that?

Lisa: It's your myPad. Are you STILL playing that stupid game, after everything that's happened?

Homer: Of course not! Now if you'll excuse me, I have some pretend crops to pretend harvest.

/ / /

Apu: Mr. Simpson. I believe I can help reconstruct Springfield. Kwik-E-Mart is now offering Scratch-Rs! For the low, low price of 250 money, you have a chance to win 10,000 money!

Lisa: Isn't that gambling?

Homer: Nonsense Lisa, you can't lose in a social game.

/ / /

Apu: What is this? The Kwik-E-Mart is not supposed to have a lawn! Where is the comforting pavement?

/ / /

Homer: I need a break, and to go pee.

Homer: How about building me a swimming pool, and killing two birds with one stone?

/ / /

Apu: The food in this store is even more expired than normal!

Apu: I need a new supplier! Perhaps someone with access to roadkill...

/ / /

Apu: Genius! Now, local hillbilly, would you kindly grow me some Tomacco?

Cletus: Beg pardon?

Apu: Make up some of dem dere tomatoes what gots tobaccy in 'um and what grows from the ground.

Apu: Why didn't ya say so?

/ / /

Cletus: Reckon I could use this time to whittle up a toy for my newborn.

Cletus: Maybe a nice pointy stick for pokin' t'other kids.

Cletus: All the latest studies say babies learn about their world by pokin' it.

/ / /

Apu: Manjula is away at a Hindu wedding slash funeral slash thing-where-you-ride-an-elephant-around.

Apu: How will I feed the children?

/ / /

Apu: The Head Office of Kwik-E-Mart is instituting 24 hours shifts.

Apu: Oh, thank Vishnu!

Apu: Those 48 hours shifts I was doing were way too long!

/ / /

Cletus: Here you go, Mr. Cityfeller.

Apu: Jumping Shiva, they're disgusting! Which means my customers will love them.

/ / /

Homer: Apu, you look exhausted!

Homer: Why not treat yourself to a little R and R?

Homer: The Brown House has a sweet sauna and Jacuzzi...

Apu: Does the lawful owner allow strangers access to his home?

Homer: Sure!

Homer: I break in there all the time, and he never fixes the window.

Homer: So obviously he's cool with it.

/ / /

Homer: I wish Marge was back.

Homer: A man has needs, you know.

Lisa: Ewww!

Homer: I refer, of course, to the preparation of my dinner. I'm starving!

Lisa: I could make you a salad.

Homer: Thanks, sweetie, but I'd prefer some food.

/ / /

Ned: Hi, Lisa!

Ned: What's the 4-1-dooddly-1?

Lisa: *sigh* Hello, Mr. Flanders.

Ned: Rod and Todd are afraid to come out.

Ned: Do you think you can watch them?

/ / /

Homer: It's no easy task to build a house in a few hours with no tools, no expertise, and very little motivation.

Homer: Better recharge with a ten-minute powernap.

/ / /

Apu: Now that the kids are tired out, I can go work three back-to-back shifts.

Apu: I wish I was dead.

/ / /

Lisa: The explosion blew away all of Springfield's rivers and lakes. We should add some new ones -- wherever we want!

Homer: Wow, fun! No wait...I meant to say: Wow, tons of work!

Lisa: Not at all! We can place them just like roads.

/ / /

Homer: Ooh, Krusty Burger!

Homer: That's the restaurant where they sell Krusty Burgers.

/ / /

Homer: Ooh, it's lunchtime! Think I'll get a Krusty Burger.

Lisa: But you just went there this morning.

Homer: And it satisfied my man-sized cravings. If it ain't not broke, don't unfix it.

/ / /

Homer: I gotta get to Krusty Burger by 10:29 so I can order a Krusty Egg Sandwich, and then a Krusty Burger a minute later.

/ / /

Homer: I'm going to Krusty Burger for dinner.

Lisa: Dad, you can't eat Krusty Burgers for every meal of the day!

Homer: You're right.

Homer: We need to build a Gulp'N'Blow...

Homer: So I can get a burger there.

/ / /

Homer: Mmmm...bad cholesterol.

/ / /

Lisa: It's strange we still haven't seen any sign of Bart.

Homer: He's probably with that blue-haired kid. Milton? Mildew?

Lisa: Milhouse! Good thinking. We should build his house immediately.

Homer: Right, Milhouse.

Homer: Why is it I hear that name and I immediately detect the mingled odors of desperation and inhaler mist in the air?

/ / /

Ned: Homer, I notice you haven't gotten around to rebuilding the church.

Ned: So since we're church-less, what do you say to bringing Clan Simpson over for a little Bible study?

Homer: ...

Ned: Homer?

Ned: Bible Study?

Homer: Oh my God, you're serious?!

Ned: Maybe another time.

Homer: THAT'S THE FUNNIEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD!

/ / /

Milhouse: Hey, Lisa.

Lisa: Milhouse, have you seen Bart?

Milhouse: How about we discuss it over a glass of wine? Or coffee? Or a Cosmopolitan?

Lisa: We're eight. We don't drink any of those things.

Milhouse: Oh, right. How about a Squishee?

/ / /

Lisa: All right Milhouse, you got your drink. Now tell me where Bart is.

Milhouse: I don't know.

Lisa: Ugh! So you made me go on this stupid date for nothing?

Milhouse: This is a date? Awesome!

/ / /

Milhouse: Help!

Milhouse: Puppy Goo-Goo is gone!

Milhouse: He's my best-est stuffed animal, and he's gone!

Lisa: No offense, Milhouse, but you seem to lose Puppy Goo-Goo a lot

Milhouse: I didn't lose him, he ran away.

Milhouse: Daddy says, the ones you love sometimes have to run away and shack up with someone else, so that you'll learn to love them even more!

/ / /

Lisa: Not having school is awful!

Lisa: AAUGGH! Get a hold of yourself, Lisa.

Lisa: There must be something you can do to tide yourself over.

/ / /

Lisa: If we don't rebuild Springfield Elementary soon, I'm afraid I might become...

Lisa: ...what's the word?

Lisa: It's the opposite of smart.

Lisa: Unsmart?

Lisa: Oh God! It's already happening!

/ / /

Cletus: I gots to get me some of that city food...

Cletus: like that meat they got without the head and fur.

/ / /

Skinner: Great job Lisa! The school is as good as it ever was...

Skinner: Which isn't actually that good.

Skinner: But it's here. And that means I have a job!

Lisa: Bart's not here, is he?

Skinner: I don't hear any teachers screaming or fire alarms going off, so I'm going to say no.

Lisa: *sigh* I hope he shows up soon.

Skinner: And I hope the opposite.

/ / /

Skinner: According to the latest state test, the students at this school are too stupid to even cross the street.

Lisa: That's terrible!

Lisa: We need to increase school spending, retrain teachers and beef up the curriculum.

Skinner: Or, we can just help the dullards to cross the street.

/ / /

Skinner: Come on, kids! You don't want to be tardy or truant...which is school talk for late or not here.

/ / /

Skinner: Now that's everyone's here, all I need to do is make sure nobody leaves.

Lisa: And educate us, right?

Skinner: Please, Lisa. This place is just a glorified day care.

/ / /

Skinner: The Grade D beef in our Sloppy Joes got all the children sick.

Lisa: All the non-vegetarian children.

Skinner: Regardless, someone's got to clean up vomit, and it's not going to be us.?

Lisa: No, it's not.?

/ / /

Skinner: Willie, the school's hall are filled with puke. Clean it immediately.

Willie: Ahh, puke! It's good to be back.

Skinner: It's times like this when I understand why he gets paid more than me.

/ / /

Skinner: Time to unwind with my favorite high-octane hobby: bird watching.

Lisa: You might have better luck finding birds if you plant some trees.

Skinner: Why?

Lisa: Well...uh, birds like trees.

Skinner: Really?

Skinner: I've always looked for them in ditches, ravines and culverts.

Skinner: With stunning lack of success.

/ / /

Willie: Ah, fall.

Willie: My favorite time of year.

Willie: When I get to indulge in the one chore I detest slightly less than all the others.

/ / /

Apu: My freezers are running out of power!

Apu: If the food spoils, it will taste even more disgusting than normal.

Lisa: We need to build a power plant!

Lisa: Should it be solar? Wind? Geothermal?

Homer: None of that hippy crap -- we're going to rebuild the nuclear plant!

Homer: I've got to catch up on the word-a-day calender on my desk!

/ / /

Apu: Thank you for building the power plant...

Apu: As well as for NOT building a supermarket or any shop besides mine that sells food.

/ / /

Burns: You just built the cooling towers, which are there for safety...

Burns: the ONE thing I don't care about!

/ / /

Burns: That's better.

Burns: All we need now is a place for the dim-witted Neanderthals to push their buttons and I'm back in business.

/ / /

Burns: Excellent!

Burns: The Plant is operational. It's time to get back to work!

Homer: D'oh!

/ / /

Burns: Ah, it's lovely to be back in charge.

Burns: I think I'll celebrate by relaxing with the good book.

/ / /

Homer: It's always the right time...

Lisa: Dad, are you okay?

Homer: It's always the right time...

Lisa: Dad, seriously, what's wrong?

Homer:...the right time, for the clean taste of Duff Beer!

Homer: The right time...

Cletus: I thinks your Pa just needs some alcy-hol.

Cletus: If'n you like, I'll whip up a brach of my famous rotgut moonshine.

Lisa: Thank you, Mr. Spuckler.

Cletus: Now, you wouldn't happen to have two gallons of paint thinner, would you?

Lisa: No. Why?

Cletus: No reason.

/ / /

Krusty: Hey, how come no side quests for me?

Krusty: What am I, a third-rate character?

Krusty: No!

Krusty: I'm a second-rate character!

Homer: If you want to seem important-er, walk around with an exclamation point over you head.

Homer: Works for me!

Krusty: That's a great idea for a side quest!

Krusty: I'll give it a shot!

/ / /

Lisa: Mom's not here, remember?

Homer: Yes, and it makes me mad. I feel like choking something.

Lisa: Bart's not here either.

/ / /

Milhouse: Hey Lisa, I think I have an idea where Bart is.

Milhouse: Walk me to school, and I'll tell you.

Lisa: I prefer to walk alone.

Milhouse: Me too! Wanna walk alone together?

/ / /

Lisa: So Milhouse, you said you might know where Bart is...

Milhouse: Yep, but first let's ---

Lisa: Enough already!

Lisa: Spill it, or I'll tell everyone you cried when that butterfly landed on you!

Milhouse: Treehouse! Try his treehouse!

/ / /

Homer: Welcome back, boy. I'm off to Moe's to igno--I mean celebrate--your return.

Lisa: We need to find Mom first.

Lisa: We're out of clean clothes, and she's the only one who knows how to work the washing machine.

/ / /

Lisa: Bart! I can't believe you've been hiding up there the whole time.

Bart: The important thing is I'm back, and ready to help in whatever way I can.

Lisa: Great. Because, right now, we're trying to rebuild the town.

Bart: Eh, that sounds like work. I think I'll do something fun instead.

/ / /

Bart: Lis, I'm skipping school. Cover for me!

Lisa: Cover for you? How exactly would THAT work. Should I wear a red shirt and spike my hair up?

Bart: I dunno. Geez, I thought maybe New Springfield's Lisa would be cooler.

/ / /

Bart: Milhouse, this is boring.

Bart: Make it crash or something.

Milhouse: Perfectly level flying is the supreme challenge of the scale model pilot.

/ / /

Skinner: Bart, your grades are worse than ever. Have you been skipping school? And if so, who's covering for you?

Lisa: There's no "covering!" It can't be done! The role call system is foolproof!

Skinner: Lisa, stay out of this!

Skinner: Bart, rest assured. If your grades don't improve, I'll be forced to make you repeat fourth grade.

Bart: Lisa, help me figure a way out of this mess. Don't relegate me to a life of reading and hard work.

Lisa: Bart, you dug yourself into this position. If you really want to get back on track, your journey will begin at the library.

/ / /

Martin: Ah! The Library! My sanctuary from the hurly burly of modern life.

Bart: Martin, I'm so glad you're back!

Martin: I honestly can't imagine a reason why that would be true.

Bart: Look, I've got to write four pages on barn owls by tomorrow. And they need to be good -- nerd good.

Martin: If you would like to engage my services as your ghost writer, you know the price.

/ / /

Martin: Ah, the first snapdragon of the season!

Kearney: You can't ask for a pounding more plainly than that!

Martin: It seems I will never be free from the slings and arrows of the bully set. Bart, how do you avoid their torments?

Bart: I'll make you a deal! Help me raise my grades, and I'll teach you to not be bully bait.

Martin: I humbly and graciously accept!

Bart: Great! First things first: Lose the Segway and get a bike!

/ / /

Bart: Now it's your turn, Martin.

Bart: Help me pass tomorrow's science test, despite the fact that I hate science, I hate tests and I am probably going to skip school tomorrow.

Martin: No problem, chum! To the library!

/ / /

Bart: Now for the fun stuff! Meet me at the Brown House.

Martin: What sort of productive use of time could come from this location?

Bart: You'll see!

/ / /

Milhouse: Bart!

Milhouse: Look what I found in the woods.

Bart: Whoa...paintball guns!

Bart: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Milhouse: Brown House?

Bart: Brown House.

/ / /

Skinner: Bart Simpson, please report to detention...I mean school.

Skinner: And then after that, detention.

Bart: This town sucks! I wish it was destroyed...again.

/ / /

Bart: Why don't you build the Android's Dungeon?

Bart: Then I could learn a bunch of preposterous superhero facts to replace all the boring facts I learned at school today.

/ / /

Bart: Hey, Milhouse, let's go get a Squishee.

Milhouse: Doctors says I'm allergic to sugar, artificial flavoring, and ice.

Milhouse: Do you think Squishees have those?

Bart: No, old friend -- not a chance.

/ / /

Ned: There's no church here?

Ned: Why, a town without church is as inappropriate as a shower without a swimsuit!

/ / /

Lovejoy: Oh joy. I get to come back to this Springfield. I hope you detected the sarcasm in my voice.

Lisa: Do you know where my Mom is, Reverend Lovejoy?

Lovejoy: Well, she's certainly not volunteering at the church bakesale.

Lovejoy: She's always too "swamped" to help.

/ / /

Ned: Here's the Church.

Ned: Here's the steeple.

Ned: But I open the doors, and there aren't any people!

Ned: I gotta get me a laity!

/ / /

Ned: Our flock's a little light on the lambs.

Ned: Where are the children?

Ned: Won't somebody please think of the children!?

/ / /

Ned: Now I can rest easy, knowing these kids aren't having fun on God's day.

/ / /

Ned: I've missed so much church, the man upstairs must be going bonkers.

Ned: Batter cheer him up with a marathon Prayer-athon!

/ / /

Lovejoy: I'm back two seconds and already Ned Flanders won't leave me alone.

Lovejoy: Perhaps I can leave him...

Lovejoy: with a little present on his lawn.

/ / /

Bart: Awesome, man!

Bart: Now I just need some comics to put in my Mylar bag collection.

/ / /

Comic Book Guy: My comics may never touch the hands of a child.

Comic Book Guy: Away with you!

Bart: Whatever, I'll just read it online.

/ / /

Comic Book Guy: This town doesn't even have a coffee shop where I can order one small drink, then spend the day taking up a whole booth and leeching off their wi-fi.

Comic Book Guy: Worst. Springfield. Ever!

/ / /

Comic Book Guy: At last, a place for me to work on my screenplay!

Comic Book Guy: It's a thousand page sci-fi epic that cost one trillion dollars to shoot as written.

/ / /

Comic Book Guy: Ugh, their little chairs won't support my ample frame!

Comic Book Guy: From now on, I'll only drink coffee at home, at work, and in restaurants...

Comic Book Guy: The way people had to before ten years ago.

/ / /

Homer: I've looked for Marge everywhere, but come up with nothing. *sigh* I need a beer.

Marge: It's a weekday afternoon. Where else would I look for you?

Homer: This is the happiest day of my life!

Homer: And yes, I'm counting the kid's births.

/ / /

Homer: Mmmm...watered-down American beer.

/ / /

Marge: I have no idea where I was all this time, but there clearly weren't any hair salons there. I need coiffing!

/ / /

Marge: Well I'm off to get my hair done. Homie, watch the kids.

/ / /

Lisa: Hi Mom, how was the salon?

Marge: My stylist was just telling me about her son's soccer game, and which reality shows she watches.

Marge: I need human contact sometimes!

Homer: So...what's for dinner?

Marge: *sigh* They didn't even notice my hair.

/ / /

Homer: Tap, tap, tap, ugh! I'm tired of all this grinding for money.

Marge: Grinding?

Homer: It's a game thing, Marge -- you wouldn't understand. Let's just say I'm sick and tired of deserving the money I get.

Homer: I want to gamble!

/ / /

Homer: Aww, the dog track -- the place for people who are too pathetic for the horse track!

In-Game Message: Each bet costs 2000 money, and each dog has a different odds and payouts.

In-Game Message: Play it safe and pick the 2-1 bet.

Homer: Fine...but ONLY because it's the only option I can select this race.

/ / /

Marge: The house is an absolute mess.

Marge: It's like no one cleaned it while I was gone.

Homer: Yes...Like...

/ / /

Marge: Homie, guess what day is coming up?

Homer: The one day a year I clip my toenails?

Homer: Because I was thinking of skipping it this year.

Marge: Grrrrrr...

Homer: Uh-oh, that's your "I forgot our anniversary" noise.

Homer: I'm gonna need to save up for something nice.

/ / /

Homer: D'oh!

Homer: How could "He's the Winner" lose?

Homer: I'll have to pick something up at the Kwik-E-Mart.

Homer: It's the thought that counts...is a phrase that will come in handy tonight.

/ / /

Marge: Homer. We're not going to the Krusty Burger for our anniversary.

Homer: Why not?

Marge: Because I made reservations at the Gilded Truffle.

Marge: If we don't go, I'll be penalized OpenTable points.

Homer: But the Guilded Truffle doesn't even exist anymore.

Marge: I need those points!!!

/ / /

Marge: Ooh, the Gilded Truffle! It's just as "tray sheik" as I remember it!

/ / /

Apu: We need to rebuild the Police Station.

Apu: I've been robbed ten times today --

Apu: that's twice as much as usual!

/ / /

Apu: Chief Wiggum, the state of crime in this town is bad. Bombay bad.

Lisa: Speaking as a law-and-order Democrat, I say we need more police on the streets.

Wiggum: Eddie, Lou, come in, over.

Wiggum: Eddie? Lou?

Wiggum: I need you to do something so I don't have to, over.

Wiggum: I'm super lazy, over.

Wiggum: Aw man, I guess I'll actually have to do my job.

/ / /

Wiggum: *wheeze* I gotta eat better.

Wiggum: I know, I'll get a Krusty shake...for calcium.

Wiggum: Calcium's a health thing, right?

/ / /

Lisa: Chief Wiggum, aren't you supposed to be patrolling Springfield?

Wiggum: Absolutely. And do you see any crime here at the Krusty burger?

Wiggum: No, you don't!

Wiggum: Don't look by the register, there's a robbery going on.

/ / /

Skniner: Springfield Elementary will be holding its annual Talent Show next Thursday!

Skniner: I hear there are TWO ventriloquists and a second grader who will perform "My Heart Will Go On" on a recorder!

Willie: Ach, the most hellish day of an already hellish year!

Lisa: Talent Show!? I need to practice!

/ / /

Lisa: Oh no! I just broke my last reed!

Lisa: This is a woodwind emergency!

/ / /

Lisa: Now I won't sound awful for the Talent Show! This year, I'm gonna WIN that ten dollar college scholarship.

/ / /

Homer: I'm in the mood for something cheesy, and bread-y...and pizza-saucy.

Bart: How about pizza?

Homer: Great idea!

Homer: As long as I don't have to build anything...

/ / /

Luigi: If my-a moustache gets any longer, it's a gonna catch in-a the dough mixer!

Luigi: That's-a how Mama died!

/ / /

Luigi: Jolly good!

Luigi: A smashing improvement, what what!

Homer: Luigi?

Homer: Was that a British accent?

Luigi: Pardon?

Luigi: Oh, uh...Mama Mia!

Luigi: I'm-a dizzy, from tossing too much Italian-a-style-pizza.

Luigi: What-a did I say?

Homer: Oh, never mind.

Homer: I guess I'll be going.

Luigi: Great Scott, that was a narrow escape!

Luigi: I must remember to practice my idiotic Italian accent.

/ / /

Comic Book Guy: Oh, I'm so hungry I could eat something healthy...although I would rather die a thousand deaths.

/ / /

Comic Book Guy: I don't know what was so "special" about that sauce.

Comic Book Guy: Maybe the Gulp'N'Blow can satisfy my superhero-like super-appetite.

/ / /

Comic Book Guy: Utterly terrible.

Comic Book Guy: Three tacos for a dollar?!

Comic Book Guy: You can get at least 8 donuts for that much!

Comic Book Guy: What this town needs is a classy place...like a diner.

/ / /

Comic Book Guy: Beautiful!

Comic Book Guy: It's just like that diner in the movie "Diner", where everyone dined in a diner.

/ / /

Comic Book Guy: Worst. Quest. Ever.

/ / /

Wiggum: This town is overrun with criminals!

Wiggum: We need a place to lock them away forever...at least temporarily.

Lisa: But don't they deserve a trial before you lock them away?

Wiggum: Do you see a courthouse around here?

Wiggum: No!

Wiggum: Maybe in an update, but not right now...

/ / /

Lisa: I wonder how Grampa is doing.

Lisa: We haven't seen him since before the explosion.

Homer: Yeah, it's been nice.

Marge: *annoyed murmur*

/ / /

Grampa: Wha?

Grampa: Where am I?

Grampa: What am I doing here?

Grampa: I had a DNR order!

/ / /

Lisa: Ivy League schools LOVE applicants who volunteer.

Lisa: Especially when they do it for totally unselfish reasons.

/ / /

Grampa: My family doesn't want to listen to my stories.

Grampa: At least the birds will listen.

/ / /

Grampa: Hey wait, come back!

/ / /

Lisa: This town has really started to fill up, with all the buildings and everyone doing different jobs...

Homer: I know --- it's a lot of tapping.

Lisa: I'm just saying, we need someone to be in charge.

Wiggum: Fear not!

Wiggum: Your authority figure is already here.

/ / /

Lisa: This town is out of control, and Chief Wiggum isn't helping.?

Lisa: We need someone to bring order!?

Marge: How about Mayor Quimby??

Lisa: No! He's more corrupt than Wiggum!?

Homer: Too late --- Town Hall already showed up on the build menu.?

/ / /

Homer: Thank God you're here, Mayor Quimby!?

Homer: You can lead this town in its rebuilding effort.?

Quimby: Er uh, okay.?

Quimby: How about we start by building a brothel??

Marge: That's a terrible idea!?

Quimby: A sleazy motel??

Homer: Don't worry, there's plenty more of Springfield to create...?

Homer: including brothels and sleazy motels.?

Marge: No, NOT including those.?

Homer: Okay, not those.??

Homer: But there's a lot more to build and do...

Homer: as long as those lazy game designers are still on the ball.??

Homer: I give it 50-50.?

/ / /

Quimby: Now that I'm back, I have a lot of, ah, work to do.

Quimby: Hold all my calls and, er-ah, do not interrupt me for any, ah, reason.

/ / /

Bart: Dad, I have a sore throat and my appendix feels rupture-y, but can I go to school anyway? Please, please, please, please?

Homer: Absolutely! Have fun!

Bart: Darn it, that was a trick! You're supposed to say no.

Homer: Sorry, son. But reverse psychology only works on a normal, healthy human brain. Not what I got. Now, off you go!

/ / /

Martin: Hey, Bart! How are you, my schoolyard chum?

Bart: I'm having a bad day. And I would REALLY appreciate it if you didn't try to cheer me up.

Martin: Perhaps I can cheer you up!

Bart: Okay, fine. Just don't play an original musical composition. That's all I ask.

Martin: Let me play you a piece I composed, where in I liken New Springfield to John Winthrop's City Upon a Hill!

Bart: Can I at least request you don't whip out some sissy old-timey instrument?

/ / /

Martin: So what are your thoughts on my song?

Bart: This is why the schoolyard ecosystem requires bullies! Nerd behavior must be kept in check!

/ / /

Nelson: Nice to be back, everyone! If the nerds would kindly form a line behind Bart, it'd really speed things up.

Nelson: If we work together, every loser here can be properly bullied and back in class before recess ends.

Bart: Why do I get bullied? I'm the one that built your house and brought you back!

Nelson: You're not making me think, Simpson, are you? That's gonna add to your punch total.

/ / /

Nelson: Haw! So much lunch money today! Looks like the suckers felt a little too safe without me around as their unofficial cash handler.

Skinner: This isn't the 1990's anymore! You can't bully in a post-Lady-Gaga-said-one-time-that-bullying-isn't-okay world!

Skinner: You will serve detention until the end of the school year! Or until Lady Gaga says detention is bad!

/ / /

Nelson: Do your worst, Skinner. I'm not afraid of you.

Skinner: Nor, if I'm being completely honest, should you be. Which is why I'm turning you over to the only man in town with a more demeaning job than mine.

Nelson: Oh, no. You don't mean...

Willie: He does! He does mean! You belong to Willie now!

/ / /

Willie: Such a beautiful day! I think it'll be a great day to work outside!

Nelson: It's about time! I was starting to get sick of being in that building.

Willie: Not you! You're in the boiler room. There's some rats down there that the kindergartners puked up on. I want those rats scrubbed clean, pronto!

/ / /

Willie: I got ano'er job for you, laddy!

Nelson: You got out the floor buffer! Finally, some wicked machinery!

Willie: Sorry, but ol' Willie's not stupid enough to let you use that thing! You're gonna clean two months worth of trash out of the cafeteria kitchen!

/ / /

Nelson: Who leaves thirty pounds of perfectly huck-able coleslaw unguarded? Lunchlady Doris, bless you!

/ / /

Nelson: Haw haw! Smell ya later Milhouse!

/ / /

Nelson: I've trashed a lot of stuff today. But there's one kind of pollution I haven't covered yet -- noise pollution!

/ / /

Bart: Such a lousy week! I hate school!

Martin: At least you're not getting beaten up three times a day!

Milhouse: My house smells like coleslaw!

Nelson: Ah, the whining call of the Common Nerd. Such sweet, sweet music.

/ / /

Bart: Man, I can't believe they still make us go to school every day. There aren't even any teachers!

Lisa: Bart, school isn't just about learning. It's about our parents getting rid of us for 6 hours a day.

/ / /

Skinner: The students are getting restless. What do I do? I'm not comfortable around children!

Willie: I could make a better man out of a rusty set of bagpipes! I knew you didn't have what it takes to handle the wee ones.

Skinner: By golly, you're right, Willie! There is only one woman with the emotional sand bags necessary to resist the children.

/ / /

Skinner: Edna! So good to have you back. I see my groveling was successful.

Edna: This better be good, Seymour.

Skinner: It is! I'm promoting you to teach every grade!

Skinner: Unfortunately, there's no money for any kind of salary bump...or salary. But being the only teacher does have its advantages.

Edna: Name one.

Skinner: You'll be able to sleep on the entire teacher's lounge sofa!

/ / /

Edna: Hello, Seymour. I'm surprised the school didn't fall down around your ears, running everything by yourself.

Skinner: Let's just say I'm happy to have the teaching staff back in the classroom.

Edna: And I don't see "The Great Goddess Hag-nes" around anywhere.

Skinner: You're right, and without Mother around, I can stay out as late as I want.

Skinner: Nine-thirty!

/ / /

Edna: You wanted to see me Seymour?

Skinner: Why yes, Edna. I have plans this evening and need you to take care of detention for me.

Edna: But I have plans this evening too.

Skinner: Principal outranks teacher.

/ / /

Edna: Sigh. Despite my "Thousand-Mile Stare" I assure you I am thrilled to be back to work.

/ / /

Edna: Since I'm the only one here, I may as well make a date with my friends James Beam and Jack Daniels.

/ / /

Skinner: Living without mother sure is liberating.

Skinner: Last night I ate at the dining room table, and not in the "bad boy corner.

Edna: I'm so happy I'm not dating you anymore.

/ / /

Skinner: Edna, I heard you were out with Ned Flanders last night. Now that Mother's gone, I thought we would. You know...

Edna: Listen Seymour. I'm happy you're enjoying your newfound independence after four decades of being a momma's boy, but it's too late!

Skinner: Now let's not let this get to juvenile insults, Edna, it's not my fault Mother found you morally reprehensible.

Edna: I don't have time for this, Seymour! I have all of the classes to teach!

Lisa: Oh no. Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner are fighting again.

Bart: Oh, really?

/ / /

Bart: Last night, when Mrs. Krabappel was at the Flanders', I overheard her tell Ned that you'd give her whatever she wanted.

Skinner: She said what? Wait, wait. Didn't you try this before?

Bart: What? No, well yes, but this time, I'm being completely honest! She said that if she threatened to quit, you'd fold faster than Superman on laundry day.

Skinner: That sound awfully familiar. But we'll see about that!

Bart: Then I'll just be on my way.

/ / /

Edna: Bart, I trust you have a note for your absence yesterday.

Bart: I had one, but one of the symptoms of my disease is that I compulsively eat paper. So, there, you have it.

Edna: Ha! You know the rules, Bart -- that's detention.

/ / /

Bart: So Skinner has you doing detention again? Isn't that a Principal's job? Well, it's just like he said...

Edna: Put away your sample case, Baloney Salesman, I know what you're trying to do here...

Edna: OK, what did he say?

Bart: Skinner says you'll come crawling back; and that you, quote, "can't live without all his quality loving," unquote.

Edna: He said what? The nerve of him! And thank you for telling me, Bart.

/ / /

Skinner: Edna, I don't know what your problem is?

Edna: My problem is that I'm overworked, underpaid, and underappreciated!

Skinner: Oh come on, Edna! You and I both know what this is really about. I just wish that you would stop playing games. Show a little more maturity!

Edna: Mr. Momma Boy's asking me to show more maturity? That's it -- I'm on strike!

/ / /

Bart: Wow! I can't believe that worked again!

Lisa: Mom! Did you hear the terrible news? The School's on strike!

Marge: I'm sure Mr. Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel will work it out.

Marge: But the good news is that, now, you have time to catch up on all your chores.

Bart: Great joke, mom, but on a beautiful day like today?

Lisa: And without standardized testing, I need to study!

/ / /

Marge: Homie, I'm worried about the kids. I've been thinking about home schooling.

Homer: Marge, this is something I really think you should stop thinking about.

Ned: Well, hi-dily-ho, neighborino! Edna and I couldn't help overhearing your little problemo. I've got just the place for them.

/ / /

Lisa: What's with all the Sunday School on days that aren't Sunday? We need science, maths, and art in our education!

Lovejoy: Now Lisa, the good book has more important lessons to teach then science, like Creationism!

Bart: I think a better question is why Sunday School is twice as long as regular school?

Lovejoy: Because it's twice as important!

/ / /

Bart: What have I done!? Milhouse, we need a plan to fix this.

Milhouse: It gives me a nosebleed when you talk about doing anything naughty. How do you think we're going to fix this?

Bart: I don't know yet, but I think I know just the teacher's pet to help us.

/ / /

Martin: I do believe that Maestra Krabappel feels unappreciated.

Martin: While this particular disagreement doesn't appear to be financially driven, I believe if she were offered a raise, she might be willing to come back to work.

Bart: How are we going to come up with that kind of money?

Martin: Well, chums, I know a very exciting place to find that out. To the Non-mobile Book Mobile!

/ / /

Bart: Thanks to Martin's book smarts, my ability to exploit people with book smarts, and Milhouse's ability to create a diversion, we have all we need!

Milhouse: I am not so sure about my part in this Bart.

Bart: Please! We've been through this Milhouse! Do you want to be a baby and let us all down?

Milhouse: I do want to be a baby, but I don't want to let you down.

/ / /

Wiggum: We caught the kid red handed. Want me to put a good scare into him?

Wiggum: I've got a Dracula mask in the car.

Skinner: I think a mere 700 hours of the lowest form of human labor should do the trick. I am talking about janitorial work!

Willie: Willie's standing right 'ere!

/ / /

Skinner: Well Edna, when I was going through the school damage report, I noticed some unused funds in the budget.

Skinner: It would seem I could offer you a small raise if you come back. You can blame me for bad book keeping! I'm sorry.

Edna: What about an apology, Seymour?

Skinner: I'm very sorry I didn't keep better account of the school's finances.

Edna: Eh, close enough.

/ / /

Willie: Hey! Wha's happened ta Willie's pay?Bart: Man, I can't believe they still make us go to school every day. There aren't even any teachers!

Lisa: Bart, school isn't just about learning. It's about our parents getting rid of us for 6 hours a day.

/ / /

Skinner: The students are getting restless. What do I do? I'm not comfortable around children!

Willie: I could make a better man out of a rusty set of bagpipes! I knew you didn't have what it takes to handle the wee ones.

Skinner: By golly, you're right, Willie! There is only one woman with the emotional sand bags necessary to resist the children.

/ / /

Skinner: Edna! So good to have you back. I see my groveling was successful.

Edna: This better be good, Seymour.

Skinner: It is! I'm promoting you to teach every grade!

Skinner: Unfortunately, there's no money for any kind of salary bump...or salary. But being the only teacher does have its advantages.

Edna: Name one.

Skinner: You'll be able to sleep on the entire teacher's lounge sofa!

/ / /

Edna: Hello, Seymour. I'm surprised the school didn't fall down around your ears, running everything by yourself.

Skinner: Let's just say I'm happy to have the teaching staff back in the classroom.

Edna: And I don't see "The Great Goddess Hag-nes" around anywhere.

Skinner: You're right, and without Mother around, I can stay out as late as I want.

Skinner: Nine-thirty!

/ / /

Edna: You wanted to see me Seymour?

Skinner: Why yes, Edna. I have plans this evening and need you to take care of detention for me.

Edna: But I have plans this evening too.

Skinner: Principal outranks teacher.

/ / /

Edna: Sigh. Despite my "Thousand-Mile Stare" I assure you I am thrilled to be back to work.

/ / /

Edna: Since I'm the only one here, I may as well make a date with my friends James Beam and Jack Daniels.

/ / /

Skinner: Living without mother sure is liberating.

Skinner: Last night I ate at the dining room table, and not in the "bad boy corner.

Edna: I'm so happy I'm not dating you anymore.

/ / /

Skinner: Edna, I heard you were out with Ned Flanders last night. Now that Mother's gone, I thought we would. You know...

Edna: Listen Seymour. I'm happy you're enjoying your newfound independence after four decades of being a momma's boy, but it's too late!

Skinner: Now let's not let this get to juvenile insults, Edna, it's not my fault Mother found you morally reprehensible.

Edna: I don't have time for this, Seymour! I have all of the classes to teach!

Lisa: Oh no. Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner are fighting again.

Bart: Oh, really?

/ / /

Bart: Last night, when Mrs. Krabappel was at the Flanders', I overheard her tell Ned that you'd give her whatever she wanted.

Skinner: She said what? Wait, wait. Didn't you try this before?

Bart: What? No, well yes, but this time, I'm being completely honest! She said that if she threatened to quit, you'd fold faster than Superman on laundry day.

Skinner: That sound awfully familiar. But we'll see about that!

Bart: Then I'll just be on my way.

/ / /

Edna: Bart, I trust you have a note for your absence yesterday.

Bart: I had one, but one of the symptoms of my disease is that I compulsively eat paper. So, there, you have it.

Edna: Ha! You know the rules, Bart -- that's detention.

/ / /

Bart: So Skinner has you doing detention again? Isn't that a Principal's job? Well, it's just like he said...

Edna: Put away your sample case, Baloney Salesman, I know what you're trying to do here...

Edna: OK, what did he say?

Bart: Skinner says you'll come crawling back; and that you, quote, "can't live without all his quality loving," unquote.

Edna: He said what? The nerve of him! And thank you for telling me, Bart.

/ / /

Skinner: Edna, I don't know what your problem is?

Edna: My problem is that I'm overworked, underpaid, and underappreciated!

Skinner: Oh come on, Edna! You and I both know what this is really about. I just wish that you would stop playing games. Show a little more maturity!

Edna: Mr. Momma Boy's asking me to show more maturity? That's it -- I'm on strike!

/ / /

Bart: Wow! I can't believe that worked again!

Lisa: Mom! Did you hear the terrible news? The School's on strike!

Marge: I'm sure Mr. Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel will work it out.

Marge: But the good news is that, now, you have time to catch up on all your chores.

Bart: Great joke, mom, but on a beautiful day like today?

Lisa: And without standardized testing, I need to study!

/ / /

Marge: Homie, I'm worried about the kids. I've been thinking about home schooling.

Homer: Marge, this is something I really think you should stop thinking about.

Ned: Well, hi-dily-ho, neighborino! Edna and I couldn't help overhearing your little problemo. I've got just the place for them.

/ / /

Lisa: What's with all the Sunday School on days that aren't Sunday? We need science, maths, and art in our education!

Lovejoy: Now Lisa, the good book has more important lessons to teach then science, like Creationism!

Bart: I think a better question is why Sunday School is twice as long as regular school?

Lovejoy: Because it's twice as important!

/ / /

Bart: What have I done!? Milhouse, we need a plan to fix this.

Milhouse: It gives me a nosebleed when you talk about doing anything naughty. How do you think we're going to fix this?

Bart: I don't know yet, but I think I know just the teacher's pet to help us.

/ / /

Martin: I do believe that Maestra Krabappel feels unappreciated.

Martin: While this particular disagreement doesn't appear to be financially driven, I believe if she were offered a raise, she might be willing to come back to work.

Bart: How are we going to come up with that kind of money?

Martin: Well, chums, I know a very exciting place to find that out. To the Non-mobile Book Mobile!

/ / /

Bart: Thanks to Martin's book smarts, my ability to exploit people with book smarts, and Milhouse's ability to create a diversion, we have all we need!

Milhouse: I am not so sure about my part in this Bart.

Bart: Please! We've been through this Milhouse! Do you want to be a baby and let us all down?

Milhouse: I do want to be a baby, but I don't want to let you down.

/ / /

Wiggum: We caught the kid red handed. Want me to put a good scare into him?

Wiggum: I've got a Dracula mask in the car.

Skinner: I think a mere 700 hours of the lowest form of human labor should do the trick. I am talking about janitorial work!

Willie: Willie's standing right 'ere!

/ / /

Skinner: Well Edna, when I was going through the school damage report, I noticed some unused funds in the budget.

Skinner: It would seem I could offer you a small raise if you come back. You can blame me for bad book keeping! I'm sorry.

Edna: What about an apology, Seymour?

Skinner: I'm very sorry I didn't keep better account of the school's finances.

Edna: Eh, close enough.

/ / /

Willie: Hey! Wha's happened ta Willie's pay?

/ / /

Quimby: Springfield is calm and happy. I can't have that!

Quimby: No one will vote for me if they don't have made-up fears that I can pretend to save them from.

Quimby: This reasonableness will not stand!

Quimby: We need to rebuild Channel 6 news to bring confusion and misinformation back to the medias!

/ / /

Brockman: This just in: me! I'm Channel 6's sole survivor...and also the sports anchor and weather girl." 

Quimby: Kent Brockman. You were brought back for one reason and one reason only -- to bring fear mongering back to the every day airwaves.

Brockman: And I am the perfect man for that job! Just give me four hours in the makeup chair and I'll be good to go!

/ / /

Brockman: Tonight: meet America's fattest kitten!

Brockman: But first -- Springfield Nuclear Power Plant's explosion causes horror and destruction of epic proportions!

Brockman: Luckily, I've survived to tell the tale, and you've survived to watch it and buy the stuff in the commercials.

/ / /

Brockman: This story of disaster and death needs a little more juice!

Lovejoy: Mr. Brockman, there is a book which I urge you to read.

Brockman: The one I wrote? I haven't read it yet, but I hear it's good.

Lovejoy: No, the Bible!

Lovejoy: Perhaps it can give you some context on the destruction of Springfield and rebirth of this new Springfield by the touch of a greater power."

Lovejoy: I beg you: do your job!

Brockman: Fascinating...Now here's an angle I can exploit! This'll look great on my audtion tape for Good Morning, Winnipeg!

Lovejoy: *sigh*

/ / /

Comic Book Guy: The rating on your Biblical segment was bad. Krusty re-run bad.

Brockman: This is Pilitzer-level infotainment! Why isn't anyone watching? Did you see it?

Comic Book Guy: Sorry, but like everyone else under the age of 75, I get all my news from the Internet.

Comic Book Guy: And this story is old! It's been T'd, RT'd, and MT'd hundred times by now.

/ / /

Grampa: It rained on my walk again! Damn you, Brockman, I'm wrinkled enough already! We need our weather report!

Grampa: Not all of us are young enough to get all our news off the Radio Typewriter Box, you know.

Brockman: Fine! We'll bring back the Weather report -- but I won't smile!

/ / /

Bart: Well, I'm off to school! I can't wait to learn me some knowledge!

Homer: Wait, I thought you were the kid who DIDN'T like school. Oh, well -- have a good day!

Lisa: Curious...

/ / /

Skinner: Bart Simpson is absent once again. And it's the second-worst kind of absence there is: excused.

Martin: Are we entirely certain the note from his father isn't forged?

Skinner: It's impossible to tell, given that Homer Simpson's handwriting is significantly sloppier than our average first grader.

Martin: Perhaps a fitting solution would be the requirement of a doctor's note to account for frequent absences.

Skinner: Does this town even have any doctors?

/ / /

Bart: Oooh, feel sick, can't go to school today...Oooooh.

Hibbert: Your parents say you've been sick a lot lately. Let me perform an examination. I promise to make it as lengthy and painful as I can.

Bart: Uh...actually, I'm starting to feel on the mend, Doc. No examination necessary!

Hibbert: Too late -- I've already gotten out my bone saw.

/ / /

Hibbert: Well Bart! It appears we've found your problem. A serious one too!

Bart: What? Really?

Hibbert: Yes! It seems you have received an acute dose of radiation poisoning.

Hibbert: Have you been exposed to any sources of radiation recently?

Bart: You know it's a funny story, as radiation-poisoning stories always are...

/ / /

Hibbert: Everyone in Springfield report to my office for radiation testing immediately! It's a matter of life and death! *CHUCKLES*

Burns: These tests could potentially cost my medical plan several dollars! Maybe even...TENS of dollars!

Hibbert: And if everyone in Springfield glows in the dark, they won't need to power their lights.

/ / /

Grampa: Hey, Doc! It's time for my annual checkup.

Hibbert: I can save you some time, Abe. You're dying. Death is imminent. Say goodbye to loved ones. *CHUCKLES*

Hibbert: Whoa, Doc, don't rush this "you're gonna die" thing. Give it to me slow! It's all about the dance, you know?

/ / /

Cletus: Hey doc, I've been feeling mighty sick. Brandine says I might have been radiated.

Hibbert: In cases of extensive inbreeding such as yours, it's never easy to tell what deformity was caused by what. Better make an appointment.

/ / /

Hibbert: Luigi, you appear to be exhibiting all the hallmark symptoms of radiation poisoning: nausea, fever, and internal hemorrhage.

Luigi: Those are also the hallmark symptoms of an Italian whose Mama has accused him of-a under-spicing his marinara! Mama, why!?

/ / /

Quimby: Doctor, I've having terrible nightmarees, cold sweats and anxiety.

Hibbert: It's probably just guilt. That's fairly normal for a philandering politician. But come in and we'll see if everything else is healthy.

/ / /

Burns: Enough of this abuse of my medical insurance plan! Effective immediately, this plan is terminated!

Hibbert: But Mr. Burns, this health epidemic is largely caused by your power plant.

Burns: Nonsense! Nuclear power is the safest, cleanest, most socially responsible source of power on the planet!

/ / /

Hibbert: Well, it seems my practice is going to take a huge hit with the canceled medical plans.

Hibbert: Whatever will I do with all this leftover oxycontin? *chuckles*

/ / /

Brockman: Well, at least Celebrities can still afford quality healthcare in this country.

/ / /

Brockman: Speaking as a rich guy, Dr. Hibbert, it's a joy to see your waiting room empty of all the "people" and "families" that normally clog up the joint. Ever considered opening a members-only, concierge 

practice?

Hibbert: I'm pretty sure the Hippocratic Oath says I need to administer health care to everyone.

Brockman: But surely there must be SOMETHING in there about administering to people with wheelbarrows of cash first.

/ / /

Brockman: Thanks for the many, many prescriptions for antibiotics that I don't really need.

Hibbert: My pleasure. You can take an extra toy chest too.

Brockman: Say, why don't you, me, and some other rich famous guys go grab an expensive meal?

/ / /

Krusty: Another grease fire at one of my fast food joints! I've got to dispose of all this burnt grease immediately.

Krusty: OR...I could turn it into a useful ingredient, with the new Krustyburger FlavorMax Supreme Burger!

Krusty: After all...burnt grease is a flavor, right?

/ / /

Homer: Mmmmm...Krusty FlavorMax.

Comic Book Guy: If great taste had a Galactic Senate, surely its secret Sith Overlord would be named Senator FlavorMax.

Wiggum: Dispatch, I'm proceeding to the Krusty Burger to investigate a potentially serious incident of flavor-maxing!

/ / /

Hibbert: Krusty, I'd like to personally thank you for creating the FlavorMax. The stomach pumping business has never been better!

Krusty: Hey, Rome wasn't built out of a bunch of burnt grease by a TV clown with the hastily-thought-out plan in a day.

/ / /

Hibbert: As much as I want to pretend I can effectively treat the sick in my office, it's time to admit the truth -- In a proper hospital, I could charge patients much more for the exact same care.

/ / /

Krusty: Numbers indicate the FlavorMax burger has made 100% of customers sick. Medically, does that make it the most delicious burger ever?

Hibbert: Just count to ten and let the anesthetic take effect, Krusty. I told you you shouldn't eat your own product.

/ / /

Hibbert: I know we just built the hospital, but it's such a nice day out! Why don't we do our surgeries outside this afternoon?

/ / /

Burns: Bah! I shouldn't keep being assigned menial tasks. I should be the one assigning them!

Burns: Where are the people to overuse my plant's energy? Where are the lawyers to cheat on my taxes?

Burns: Where are the Jehovah's Witnesses to feed to my hounds?

Homer: Yikes, a sad old man! I wish there was some other character I could unlock to take care of this instead of me.

Homer: Anything I can help with, Sir?

Burns: What's this? Did one of those Thanksgiving parade balloons come to life?" Homer: No, Sir, I'm your average overweight-sized employee, Homer Simpson.

Burns: Employee, eh? Then get back to work at the plant, you donut-stuffed, four-toed sloth!

/ / /

Burns: What? You've returned unscathed?

Burns: I had hoped you would lay waste to this infernal town once more and release me from this cholesterol-clogged prison.

Homer: I can't believe I'm saying this, but why don't you join me at Moe's, Mr. Burns?

Homer: I find nothing picks up your spirits better than getting blackout drunk.

Burns: Socialize with you? Why I'd rather join Obama's drum circle.

Burns: Which reminds me, I need a place to hide from the coming class war. I know what would be inconspicuous. A giant, fancy house!

/ / /

Burns: Smithers! Don't think I'm paying you for the time you missed. They're called sick days, not explosion trauma recovery days.

Smithers: I'm sorry, sir. All this time I have been, ahem, trapped in the closet.

Burns: You mean you've been unable to escape my actual wardrobe after the explosion sealed you in there while organizing my sock garters?

Smithers: That is exactly what I meant.

/ / /

Smithers: Sir, we should make sure the plant is up to code...in case nuclear inspectors become premium characters.

Burns: Bah. All the plant neeeds is a good dusting. Employ a cleaning lady immediately.

Smithers: Er, Mr. Burns, some might consider the term 'cleaning lady' to be sexist.

Burns: Sexist? Me? It's not as if I said 'cleaning wench,' as I had wanted to and said in my head.

Burns: Besides, everyone knows I'm a fierce supporter of a woman's right to clean.

Smithers: No worries, sir. People are so desperate for work, I'm sure my inbox is already flooded with applications.

Smithers: Now to go about whistling the 'Sorting & Judging' song.

/ / /

Comic Book Guy: Smithers, there you are. I finally tracked down that rare '87 Malibu Stacey where they designed her head upside-down.

Comic Book Guy: I assume you still want this priceless, freakish collectible.

Smithers: Absolutely! It'll complete my set of misshapen dolls along with Torso Face Stacey and Anatomically Correct Tad.

Smithers: Excuse me, while I rub this news in other people's faces, and then do my gloating dance.

/ / /

Burns: Smithers, now that I have you back and everything is running smoothly. I realize I don't need you.

Burns: Sir, please -- you just saw my hobbies. I'll go insane if that's all I do.

Burns: Now, now, Smithers. Remember, you've already fixed the trap door.

Smithers: *falling noises*

/ / /

Wiggum: Waylon Smithers?

Smithers: *hick* 

Wiggum: We've been getting reports of someone using the Blue Houses as urinals. Save that behavior for the Brown Houses.

Smithers: Why was I plucked from oblivion just to be rejected? Only a team of monsters could design this cruel fate!

Wiggum: Well, I don't really need to use my taser, but I just got the latest model. I've been dying to try it out.

/ / /

Burns: Ah, Smithers. You smell like Yale fraternity pledge. You're still going to have to repay me for your bail. At 36% rate of interest.

Smithers: Sorry, Sir.

Burns: Even though you disgust me. I find myself in need of your services.

Burns: I seem to have forgotten how to deal with this damnable contraption called 'laces.'

Quimby: Mr Burns, as prominent citizen and donor, I would like to offer you aid.

Quimby: Have your Smithers call this number, and these folks will get him back on track.

Quimby: They've been great at curing and covering up the many repeated escapades of my, er-um, nephew.

/ / /

Smithers: Sir, may I express my warmest gratitude to be back in your soothing company --

Burns: Bah! I have no time for your obsequious rambling. Now is the time for my daily exercise.

Burns: Can't keep looking so pretty without putting in a little work.

Smithers: Very good, sir. I'll get right on it.

Burns: Excellent! After you've built-up your vigor. I'll use that gypsy curse to steal it into my body.

/ / /

Skinner: Chief Wiggum, I'd like to report seeing a pant-less vagrant every morning.

Wiggum: Who is this filthy hobo blighthing our good city?

Skinner: You!

Wiggum: Oh, um, well, darn it. I don't have anywhere else to sleep. As police chief, I can't break into the brown house.

Wiggum: And you can sleep at the school. Where I work is full of criminals.

Skinner: So is the school. Build yourself a house. Even Willie has a shack.

/ / /

Ralph: I Choo-Choo-Choose this reality.

Skinner: Ralphie! Thank goodness. Finally, no more horrible me time.

/ / /

Quimby: Congratulations, Springfield! With the Wiggum boy back, we've been officially crowned . . .

Quimby: America's Fattest City by Chunky Lovers Magazine!

Homer: We're Number 1! We're Number 1!

Ralph: When I do as Mommy says I get a buttersicle.

Lisa: Springfield is in a dangerous health crisis. And only one thing can safe it - the Internet!

Lisa: I need to resume Mom's food blog to encourage this town to eat better.

Ralph: I like to eat rainbows!

/ / /

Comic Book Guy: Little Girl, you have not been replying to my comments on your blog. You would know me as MeisterChef47.

Lisa: I deduced that. I keep telling you, I don't know any restaurants that serves baby back tauntaun.

Comic Book Guy: I do not wish to associate myself with such pretentious garbage.

Comic Book Guy: Springfield needs a genuinely inspired restaurant to awaken the inspid palate of this town.

Comic Book Guy: I couldn't possibly take a date to any of the ones we have now...which is why I don't date.

Lisa: Yes, I'm sure that's why.

/ / /

Lisa: I'm inviting all the, um, big boned of Springfield to try the forged vegetable jellies at El Chemistri.

Lisa: It's a diet that will, um, make your bones less big.

Wiggum: I used to worry about not being able to see my shoes, but that's not a problem now that Ralphie's here to tie them.

Wiggum: But Ralphie, do you want to try the new restaurant?

Ralph: Yay! Chemistri sounds like a magician. I want to eat magic food.

/ / /

Wiggum: Thanks, Lisa. Now Ralphie and I are off to Krustyburger for dessert. And what you have before dessert.

Lisa: But chief...

Wiggum: Hey, if I get too thin, people will expect me to actually chase down criminals.

/ / /

Ralph: I like reading your blog, Lisa. Some letters look like giraffes.

Lisa: Thanks. Everyone wants to talk to me. I finally understand the appeal of being popular!

Ralph: Yay! Can we play?

Lisa: Ooo, um, yeah, I'd love to. Just...I'm really busy.

/ / /

Brockman: Life-threatening weight gain is spreading. Finally, a chance to say "No fatties" on air! Now all I need is a story to put around that.

/ / /

Brockman: ...thank you Lisa, the town appreciates that your efforts have taken Springfield from morbidly obese to functionally obese.

Brockman: Tubby Tike, do you have any folksiness to add?

Ralph: Fire tastes burn-y when I lick it.

/ / /

Wiggum: I'm sorry, Ralphie, but I can't watch you AND ignore my paperwork. Can't you use the power of imagination to not bother me?

Ralph: Okay, Daddy. I have a friend who always comes by right after I take a ride in the microwave.

/ / /

Nelson: Hi, Chief Wiggum. I was wondering if I can borrow Ralph for a little game of American Patriot Hero.

Wiggum: Of course. It's good to play with actual people, and not just imaginary characters all the time.

Nelson: Now, Ralph, I'll be the brave soldier fighting our enemies, and you can be the flag I raise in victory. Let's go to the flag pole.

Ralph: Yay! I get to visit my pigeon pals!

/ / /

Lovejoy: Ah, Lisa Simpson! You wanted to speak to me about a spiritual crisis. Perhaps you've come to hear a humble 'I told you so'." 

Lisa: Actually, I m trying to find meaning in this world of daily drudgery.

Lovejoy: All you need to do is trust in the wisdom of the Almighty Finger. I mean, God.

Lisa: Actually, Springfield exploded and then returned. I ve been thinking this might be proof of the Buddhist concept of Samsara -

Lovejoy: Oh Lord. Is this another conversation where you convince me Buddha was just a chubby Jesus?

/ / /

Lenny: Wow, we suffered a firey nuclear death and now we're reborn! I guess the Buddist theory of reincarnation is right.

Carl: Yeah. And we came back as ourselves. Boy, we must ve really screwed up last time.

Lenny: But we did everything right. Gave to the poor. Helped old ladies cross the street. Made sure our magazines were, at the minimum, barely legal. I was hoping to be reincarnated as you.

Carl: I don t understand it either. We need to go someplace where we can contemplate the mysteries of our existence.

/ / /

Lisa: Now that the Buddist Temple is back, I can continue on my quest toward spirital enlightment.

Marge: Oh, honey, can t you just go to normal church with the rest of us? I don t want us all to end up in different heavens.

Homer: Eh, let her go, Marge. The boy s not going to be there anyway - it ll be nice for you and me to have some alone time.

Lisa: Thanks, Dad...I guess.

/ / /

Moe: It's great to have my closest friends back. Now, settle your tab before I stab out your lungs.

Lenny: But Moe, all our money burned up in the explosions.

Moe: So did my bar tabs...but I still expect you to pay them!

Homer: If you need money, you guys should get your old jobs back at the plant. Then you can cover for me when I'm never there.

/ / /

Smithers: Thank you both for reporting to work.

Smithers: Unfortunately, with so few people in this town, and my recent raise, we only have enough money to pay one of you.

Lenny: Only one? Well, then I say give the job to Carl.

Carl: I say give the job to me as well.

Lenny: Hey! I thought you were going to do that thing where you say no, give him the job, and then we argue over something good.

Carl: Nope. Did that thing where I just take it.

/ / /

Lenny: Guess I have to rely on my fallback teaching job. Good thing I'm an expert on how not to chew tobacco.

Carl: I knew you'd bounce back. Speaking of bouncing and things that have back, I have a date with your sister.

/ / /

Lenny: I forgot that my fallback teaching job is unpaid.

Lenny: Guess I gotta put on my fallback fallback job: being a best-selling novelist. / / /

Lenny: One paragraph down. Seven-thousand, six-hundred, and forty-two more to go.

Lenny: Writing always puts me in the mood to grab a beer and not write. Whaddaya say we got to Moe's, Carl?"

Lenny: ...

Lenny: Oh, right -- Carl and Moe's are both out of my life.

Lenny: Well, I can't just sit around feeling sorry for myself. I'm going to WALK and feel sorry for myself.

/ / /

Lenny: Hi, is there a problem officer?

Wiggum: There sure is. For starters, it is illegal to kick a can in the town of Springfield.

Lenny: But that law is outdated. It was in Season 16!

Wiggum: Also, you jay-walked back there, you don't have a license for those suspenders, and you just talked back to a police officer. Strike four!

Snake: What a relief. Now that that criminal is off the streets, I can go out and rob people.

/ / /

Quimby: Since there are no, er-um, judges or lawyers yet in our city, your punishment is up to me.

Quimby: First question, have you ever donated to my campaign?

Lenny: No. I don't have a job or any money.

Quimby: That's terrible. But at least I can offer you a place to eat and rest.

/ / /

Burns: Smithers, I need to promote someone. The towel boy in the executive washroom is starting to get lonely.

Smithers: But sir, we only have two other employees. And one of them is Homer Simpson.

Burns: Then we'll have to promote the other one.

Carl: Thank you, Mr. Burns. But I've reached the phase of Buddhist enlightenment where I feel no attachment to material wealth.

Burns: I'm willing to give you a sixty-percent raise and a four month salary signing bonus.

Carl: Then again, I've never really tried being rich before. Executive washroom, here I come!

Burns: Excellent. Let's, shall we say, seal the deal. I hope dinner at 5:30 pm is not too late.

/ / /

Smithers: Excellent first day Mr. Carlson!

Carl: Thanks. Hey, uh...normally I hang with Lenny. But since he's not around, would you -

Smithers: Ooo, are you inviting me out for apple-tinis?

Carl: Well, not that.

Smithers: Yay! Apple-tinis!

Moe: So Carl's hanging out with Smithers now, huh? He always goes for the same type.

/ / /

Brockman: What is it that is happening, Carl, my brother. We minorities have to stick together.

Carl: Say what now?

Brockman: Us in the One Percent. With whole ninety-nine percent looking to tan our hides.

Brockman: Care to join me in using my ill-gotten tax-free capital gains to eat at pricey restaurants.

/ / /

Homer: Hey Carl.

Carl: Homer, please, call me Mr. Carlson.

Homer: Uh, yeah. Have you seen Lenny lately? 'Cause if not, I have him right here.

Lenny: Hey guys, thanks for agreeing to meet me.

Lenny: I'd like to offer you a great opportunity to give me money. I need it to buy back my freedom from this guy I met in prison.

Carl: Jeez, Len, you don't look so good. Or act so good.

Lenny: I'm just trying to outrun the inescapable feeling of failure and disappointment. WHAT'S THAT BEHIND ME!?

Carl: I think you need to rest, buddy. And I need to think some things over. Soberly, for a change.

/ / /

Carl: Excuse me, Mr. Burns, I was wondering if you could find it your heart to hire back my good friend Lenny Leonard.

Burns: In my heart? Ho-ha, what a delightful jape!

Carl: Please sir. Couldn't you just pay me less, and use the money you save to hire Lenny?

Burns: But if I paid you less, then you wouldn't be making more money than you deserve...which means you could no longer be an executive.

Carl: Then I guess I'll just go back to my old job.

Burns: Very well, Your compassion has taught me something...why I am luducrously rich and you are middle class.

Burns: You and your friend can have your menial, nuclear energy jobs. Now let your dainty sentiments never poison my ears again.

/ / /

Lenny: Carl, you got me my old job back! You are the truest of true pals -- it's times like these when I wish we could more than bro hug.

Carl: I realized I needed you, Lenny. Standing next to you is the only way I look relatively attractive.

Lenny: I wish there was some disturbingly grandiose way to show my gratitude.

/ / /

Carl: Thanks, Lenny. Let's go spelunk my nose.

/ / /

Quimby: Thank you, Fat Tony, for your generous donation to my Super PAC, "American U.S.A. Minutemen for Freedom, Liberty, Patriotism and America."

Fat Tony: Will it be satisfactory to secure the reconstruction of my headquarters?

Quimby: Easily done. The person playing this game builds whatever we ask. And pays us whatever random sum of money we demand!

Fat Tony: There's one born every minute, I suppose.

/ / /

Smithers: Fat Tony? Mr. Burns requests your company for dinner this evening to discuss matters of the utmost evil.

Fat Tony: I'm always happy to have dinner with a fellow villain...which I consider myself, despite the fact that I somehow got categorized as a "Wise Guy".

/ / /

Fat Tony: Just tell me who. My crack team of sociopaths will handle everything.

Burns: It's not a "who", it's a "what". Some nuclear waste I wish to dispose of.

Fat Tony: We could hide it inside a body bag. People see me burying body bags all the time. It's kind of my thing.

Burns: Excellent.

/ / /

Fat Tony: I was gardening. that's still legal in this state, is it not?

Wiggum: Sure, I think. I'm not really up on what's legal and what's not. But if you really WERE gardening, tell me what you were planting.

Fat Tony: Plants.

Wiggum: You're good Fat Tony. Very good. And I am correspondingly bad.

/ / /

Fat Tony: Mr. Burns, I have taken care of that favor for you. And now I would like a favor in return.

Burns: Ugh, you Mafiosi and your favors. How come you can't just accept money as compensation like everyone else in the world?

Fat Tony: Don't worry - this will require money. I need to rebuild my compound so that my beloved goons will return to me. I'm tired of being a Mafia of one. My gun hasn't had a night off in weeks.

Burns: Consider it done. Every powerful man needs his sycopantic hangers-on.

Smithers: You called for me, sir?

/ / /

Fat Tony: Welcome back boys. I trust you have kept your law-breaking skills sharp?

Legs: I practiced my felonies every day.

Louie: I extorted manneguins so I wouldn't forget how to do it to people.

Fat Tony: I look forward to bleeding dry this town we so love.

Fat Tony: But first let us toast to our touching reunion.

/ / /

Bart: Hey Fat Tony! I've been looking to take my mischief to the next level. Any chance you could use an extra set of hands?

Legs: Maybe. Do you know how to mix a Manhattan?

Bart: Umm...booze, some hooch, and then whiskey?

Legs: That s pretty close, boss. I ll vouch for him.

Fat Tony: Congratulations, urchin. You are my new bartender.

/ / /

Marge: Mayor Quimby, as a mother and a worrywart, I'm concerned about Springfield's growing Mafia problem.

Marge: There are even reports of unsavory characters down at the dog track. Of all places!

Quimby: Marge, I promise you - this office will not rest until it looks like we re doing something about the whatever-you re-on-about. In fact, I m so against corruption that many people say  Corruption  is my 

middle name.

Marge: Hmmmm...

/ / /

Fat Tony: Boys, Marge Simpson is onto us. Someone in our organization squealed. I need you to find out who.

Louie: Wouldn t it just be easier to  take care  of this Simpson lady?

Fat Tony: Louie, Louie, Louie. Women are for taking care of, not  take care  of. Find some guy to nuts on instead.

/ / /

Luigi: Welcome, back, a-Fat a-Tony. I can't tell-a you how I've missed paying for-a your protection.

Fat Tony: Which I will now collect. Back-dated, of course, to the birth of New Springfield.

Luigi: But I didn t get unlocked until level 18. It s-a not fair!

Fat Tony: Then you can file a complaint at the monthly meeting of the Extortionee s Committee. The system is in place for a reason.

/ / /

Fat Tony: Boys, I require your services

Louie: Do you mind? "Antiques Roadshow" is on!

Fat Tony: My apologies, The Roadshow, as always, takes precendence.

/ / /

Wiggum: Fat Tony? You and your crew are under arrest.

Fat Tony: Whatever for, Officer?

Wiggum: Impersonating an Ethnic Stereotype. You re sentenced to 24 years in prison. Oops, this says 24 hours. Must be a typo. You re lucky I don t like refilling out forms.

/ / /

Fat Tony: Break's over boys. Go forth and terrify.

/ / /

Luigi: Ah, a Principal Skinner! How good to a-hear your happy a-whistling. You are as full of life as pasta sauce is full of mustache hair.

Skinner: Who wouldn t smile in this wonderful, new Springfield? Nothing could ruin it.

Bart: Hey Seymour, your office is full of anteaters. Also ants. Also you need to tell the cafeteria to order more honey because your office is full of that too. Heh heh.

Skinner: Delightful! I needed some busy work for Willie. When he has nothing to do, he keeps inviting me to play board games. Now if you ll excuse me, I m going to relax and take in the avian grandeur of our 

fair town.

Luigi: And I will-a-romance the air with a-beautiful sounds of the accordion, the bagpipe of Italy.

Skinner: Terrific. Hopefully, there aren t any trees near your restaurant.

/ / /

Milhouse: Hey Bart, can I borrow some pillows? I want to build a pillow fort and see if my mommy and daddy appear in it.

Milhouse: For dinner last night I sucked on pasta shells until they got soft in my mouth.

Bart: Hmm, Springfielders do tend to appear when we build a new building. That gives me an idea...

Milhouse: To help me not be an orphan?

Bart: No, to really prank Skinner! We need to bring back the one thing that can get inside his head and ruin his happiness. His mother.

Milhouse: Okay. But if we're going to build Skinner's house, We're going to need a lot more pillows.

/ / /

Skinner: My house? Dear Lord, no. That means...

Agnes: Thought you'd gotten rid of me, did you? Now put on an apron and tidy up. Turns out Limbo is pretty dusty.

Skinner: But Mother...

Agnes: No buts, Seymour. Get to work! When I get back from Bingo tonight, the table top better be clean enough for me to see my dissaproving face in it.

/ / /

Skinner: How come my computer isn't working? Mother, did you add parental controls to the internet?

Agnes: You're darn tooting. There are lots of naughty pictures in the Wikipedia.

Skinner: I don't have time to fight you right now - I have to get to work...where no one can tell me what I can and can't look at, because we don't have any computers.

/ / /

Comic Book Guy: Ahem. Is Agnes home? I would like to invite her to an evening of finding the service unacceptable and other such pleasures.

Skinner: Mother, it's the Harold to your Maude.

Agnes: Comic Book Guy! I can't belive there's enough room in this tiny town for your fat behind.

Comic Book Guy: Agnes, is that your skin or did the Magna Carta loan you it's dried up parchment?

Agnes: Don't wait up for me, Seymour. And don't come into my room in the morning without knocking first.

/ / /

Agnes: Son, I realize that since I've come back, we haven't spent any quality time together. So I'm forcing you to stay in and have fun with me.

Skinner: I was planning to do one of the many exciting activities I often do, like bird watching or going to the Kwik-E-Mart or stargazing, if that's an option for me yet?

Agnes: I guess this Springfield is just like the old one - full of you disappointing me.

Skinner: *sigh* Fine, Mother. I'll stay.

Agnes: Pfft, Momma's boy.

/ / /

Martin: Egads! I seem to have been mistakenly given a notice to tarry in detention.

Milhouse: I got one too.

Lisa: It looks like the whole school did.

Skinner: And with the whole school in detention, both Mrs. Krabappel and I will have to stay late to supervise you. Very late.

Edna: You monster! You can't do this tonight!

Skinner: I'm not. I'm doing this for the next several nights.

/ / /

Agnes: Seymour! You're always sneaking off to your hidey-hole.

Skinner: It's called a 'school' mother, Mother, and it's my job.

Agnes: Well, I need your help with my crossword. What's a five letter word for 'someone who fails'? I tried 'Seymour', but it doesn't fit.

Skinner: *sigh* L-O-S-E-R.

Agnes: Thanks. I knew you'd be an expert.

/ / /

Bart: Skinner is worse than ever. It's almost like making life miserable for one person has consequences for those around that person.

Skinner: Ah, Bart. Just the truant I was looking for.

Bart: AHHHHH!

/ / /

Bart: I wasn't playing hookie, I swear. A gust of wind pushed me out of school and forced me here. It was the wind, I tell you, the wind!

Skinner: Relax, Bart. I'm not going to punish you. I want to learn from you.

Bart: Trying to get away from that old bat?

Skinner: That lives in the school's heating duct? No, I'm trying to escape my mother. But she always finds me. I know from years of hide-and-seek research.

Bart: I feel bad...that this somehow happened to you.

Bart: If you need a place to crash, you can use my treehouse. I just have to evict Milhouse for being behind on his rent.

/ / /

Skinner: Bart, why did I wake with one hand in a bowl of water and the other filled with uncanned canned chili?

Bart: Sorry, the temptation was too great. A prankster can't live so close to his prey.

/ / /

Willie: Why aye! Of course, ye can stay with me in me shack!

Skinner: Thanks, Willie. I knew I could count on you to say yes, since you work for me and my request was an order.

Willie: I need this job for me work visa. So make yourself at home, you threatin'-to-call-INS bastard!

/ / /

Skinner: My Lord, man! The smell! The smell!

Willie: Aye, it'll get in ye. Inside these wood walls, you'll age like a fine whiskey in cask of Willie's man musk.

/ / /

Agnes: Seymour!

Agnes: Seymour...? I should talk with my friends. Maybe one of them has spotted where he's gone.

/ / /

Edna: Ha! No way, Seymour.

Skinner: Please let me stay at your apartment, Edna. It ll be fun. We can do our own version of Silhouette Night!

Edna: I'm not playing "mommy" with you. No means no.

/ / /

Lovejoy: Certainly, Principal Skinner, you are welcome here. The humble of spirit may always crash in the Lord's House.

Skinner: Thank you, Reverend. I haven't been able to get a decent rest in days.

Lovejoy: Well, I hope our evening activity night won't disturb you. It's Bingo Night!

Skinner: Bingo Night! I must flee before Mother comes to clean you out.

Skinner: I'm sure God won't mind if I leave the church ducking out through this stained glass window.

Agnes: Let's get ready to roll them balls!

/ / /

Agnes: So that boy's run off...just like he did to me during Vietnam. And like he did his platoon in Vietnam.

Lovejoy: He asked me if he could crash at the church. I had assumed with your approval, of course.

Agnes: I m sick and tired of his crashing. All he ever does is crash! If he crashes one more time, I m done with him. DONE!

Lovejoy: Well...let s not do something hasty. Why don t you relax, get the frustration out, and think it over some more.

Agnes: What I should do is exercise. I need to build up strangth, so I can spank the hair off him.

/ / /

Carl: Sure, Skinner, stay as long as you need to. The Buddhist Temple is for all, especially those who want to upset their parents." 

Skinner: It s more that I want to avoid my parent. Not upset her.

Carl: Same diff. Take any mat you like. Morning prayers start at 3am and never ends.

Skinner: Thanks. Wow, these mats are comfy. POW camp comfy!

Carl: Yeah. We got them used.

/ / /

Skinner: Prayer chanting ohms everywhere. Constant buzzing taking over mind. Must ohm get ohm outta ohm...

/ / /

Wiggum: If you need a place to lay your head down, Principal Skinner, the Wiggum family would be delighted to help you out.

Skinner: Oh, thank you, thank you. Finally, an actual house.

Wiggum: That is, if you promise to guarantee that little Ralphie gets A s in every class from here on out.

Skinner: In all honesty, Chief, no one would ever believe that. It would turn our laughing-stock of a school into a veritable guffaw-cooperative.

Wiggum: It s called quid pro quo -- an old Latin phrase meaning "Gimme what I want.

Skinner: So you want me to trade all that's left of my integrity for a roof and a bed? You have a deal.

Ralph: Yay! I now have a Princey Pal!

/ / /

Ralph: After I get into UCLA, I'm going to get into rest of the letters of the alphabet! Like Q and smiley face and gumball!

Skinner: I'm sorry, Chief, but I can t be party to this. I just can t.

/ / /

Agnes: So ya finally come crawling back home? Well, I still see you standing. So get to more crawling.

Skinner: Ugh, I m going to go break into a Brown House and crash there. Everyone else is doing it.

Agnes: No Seymour, wait! I just can't stand it anymore. All this time you've spent crashing has been the most irritating time of my life.

Agnes: Can you promise me, if I be good, that you'll never crash again.

Skinner: Okay, I promise to there'll be no more crashing...*game crashes*

/ / /

Skinner: I know you always tell me fun is for the shiftless. So please don't yell at me, Mother, when I tell you that was fun.

Agnes: I enjoyed it too, Seymour. I know it seems like I'm never not mad at you. But that's only because you constantly make me angry.

Skinner: Maybe there is another target in town that you can mock and humliate?

Agnes: Hmmm. I could go razz those bags with skin tags at the Retirement Castle.

Agnes: Bunch of pathetic nitwits with no house or a child to live with. Because their children locked them up in there.

Skinner: Wait, children can put their parents there and just leave them?

Agnes: You don't have the short and curlies, Seymour!

Skinner: No Mother, I don't.

/ / /

Marge: Lisa, I would never criticize your town-building skills, but I've been to all these stores a zillion times. A shopper needs variety!

Lisa: Well, I was thinking we could rebuild Herman's shop. But I don't think you'd shop there. It sells military antiques.

Marge: A store's a store. Build it! Build it now!

/ / /

Herman: They say when you go over to the other side, you come back changed."

Herman: Unfortunately, I remain exactly the same.

/ / /

Marge: At least, a new store! Herman, I'd like some military antiques please."

Marge: I'll take a box of musket balls, three "Potato masher" grenades, and a dozen bazookas.

Herman: I didn't realize you were such a fan of antique firearms.

Marge: Oh, I'm not. I just need to bring something to the register, and have you charge me for it. You know -- shopping!

/ / /

Herman: Hey, old man! Want to buy a gun? There's no better way to protect yourself.

Herman: After all, it's scary getting old, isn't it?

Grampa: You have no idea! My vision's gone, I'm always forgettin' who I am, I panic in stressful situations...

Grampa: ...my trigger finger itches something terrible, my aim ain't what it used be, I often mistake loved ones for dangerous intruders, I forget whether things are loaded...

Grampa: ...and above all, my time on Earth is short, and I'd love to take a few people with me when I go.

Herman: You're the perfect gun owner! Step inside!

/ / /

Bart: Hey, Milhouse, want to go check out the new gun shop in town?

Milhouse: Of course! After all, the NRA says it s the safest place for kids.

Bart: They also say us kids should sleep under a blanket made of loaded guns. You know -- for safety.

Milhouse: I eat my cereal every morning with a gun instead of a spoon. Because more guns everywhere means safer kids. Thanks, NRA!

/ / /

Fat Tony: Herman, I've grown tired of my gang's "look". Black suits, pistols and shoulder holsters -- it's so 1989. We need a fresh take on the mob thing.

Do you have any weapons that will create more "wow factor" for my associates?

Herman: A good blunderbuss never goes out of style. Of course, it only shoots one bullet every thirty seconds.

Fat Tony: A small price to pay for fashion. I'll take a hundred.

/ / /

Wiggum: I d like to purchase this AK-47, please. Will you need to run a background check on me?

Herman: Of course not. That would infringe on your Constitutional right to never be inconvenienced -- even in the tiniest, most reasonable way -- when guns are involved.

Herman: It's all part of  Gun Buyers Are To Be Hailed As Our Worthiest Heroes  Act of 2013... sponsored by the NRA.

Wiggum: Great! The ready availability of guns to the public makes my job as a cop safer AND easier.

/ / /

Wiggum: Apu, give me a Squishee, beef jerky, and an advanced assault rifle-type weapons platform with integrated laser range finder and grenade launcher.

Wiggum: Somthing experimental like Tony Stark wishes he had.

Apu: We don't stock guns, you overweight imbecile.

Wiggum: You do realize it's now illegal to operate a store that doesn't sell firearms?

Wiggum: It's all part of the "How Else May We Serve, Oh Wise and Powerful NRA?" Act. You're going to jail!

/ / /

Marge: Why are all of Springfield's stores shutting down! There's nowhere to shop!

Wiggum: Sorry Marge, that's the law. I have to defend the people's right to buy guns whenever the whim strikes them.

Marge: What about MY Constitutional rights to a decent downtown, fun window shopping, and jeans at a variety of price points?

Wiggum: Those aren't rights! Or are they? Who can say! That's the funny thing about the law -- you never have the slightest clue what it is.

Marge: Well, I'm taking my message to the people!

/ / /

Marge: We need to organize to protest these terrible laws that our shutting down our God-given stores. Herman, are you in?

Herman: That's affirmative. It's time we took our government back.

Marge: That's what democracy is all about, right?

Herman: Right. Now let's mount an armed frontal assault on City Hall. Democracy-style.

Marge: Uh...come again?

/ / /

Herman: The battle plans are ready, Marge. You say the word, and we take back City Hall!

Marge: Geez, I'm reading over these plans, and there's an awful lot of shooting and yelling and reconnoitering. It all sounds very violent.

Herman: To the lay person, it probably does. But when you're staging a blood-drenched coup, violence really helps keep up morale.

Herman: It's something the whole battalion can have fun doing together.

Marge: Why not lose a pincer movement or two, and let's see if we can overthrow the state without all the fisticuffs?

/ / /

Herman: The new battle palns are drawn. If all goes according to plan, not a single shot will be fired.

Herman: But be warned: there WILL be mild swearing, intermittent sneaking around, and a post-operation cleanup where everybody --

Herman: and I mean EVERYBODY -- pitches in, leaving City Hall just as tidy as they found it.

Herman: If that sounds like more than you can stomach, best stay home, soldier!

Marge: Much better. Let's prepare for "battle!"

/ / /

Herman: Attack City Hall! Storm the gates!

Marge: Wipe your feet on the mat before entering! Pause to admire the mural in the lobby -- it's from the 1920's!

Marge: And remember to be nice to the receptionist! They have a hard job!

Herman: We're doing it, Marge! We're taking back our government.

Marge: Shhh! No shouting inside City Hall. People are trying to work. Attack quietly or not at all!

/ / /

Quimby: What is the meaning of this? Who is this rabble sitting patiently in my waiting area?

Herman: It's a coup. We're tired of government walking all over the people, so we're taking back City Hall!

Marge: We're not going to put up with limited shopping options, crazy pro-gun laws, a mob armed with blunderbusses, thinly-premised Wolfcastle films, and...and...

Marge: What exactly ARE we trying to accomplish?

Herman: Honestly, I've forgotten.

Marge: I guess this whole story didn't make much sense. You know, we never thought anyone would play long enough to get to level 30.

Homer: Guys, maybe this is a good thing. A real wake up call for everyone involved with this game.

Homer: I mean, come on. Herman? THAT'S the best character we have to add? No offense, Herm.

Herman: Even I know it's true.

Homer: Let's get back to the drawing board and get to work on a level 31 that'll really knock everyone's socks off!

Wiggum: Sorry about level 30, guys. If you promise not to gripe to EA too much, everybody can have three donuts.

/ / /

Quimby: Er, um, Mr. Burns, I'm worried that at the rate we're rebuilding, erm, Springfield is heading for social unrest.

Quimby: We're running out of space to put our citizens. We keep building restaurants but we still don't have any garbage service.

Quimby: And I receive a lot of complaints that it's too difficult to find people when they're walking around.

Smithers: The Mayor may be right, sir. There already is a woman who keeps complaining about "something". Eventually that "something" could turn into something.

Burns: We need to scrounge up some celebrity pap to dangle in front of the town like shinny keys. Call Bumblebee Man and tell him we need a nip slip pronto!

Smithers: I'm not sure he'll do another one, sir. He said he needed to stop bringing so much shame to his family.

Burns: Ugh. Catholics. If they're not denying shame, they're making it up.

Quimby: A former political rival of mine has, uh, hit hard times. I would be happy to offer him up for ridicule as he tries to cling to his fame.

Wolfcastle: Did someone say fame? I must have it back! It is the only vay I can afford to do that thing where food goes in my mouth.

/ / /

Wolfcastle: Thank you for building me this enormous mansion. After Maria told me to leave, I have been forced to wander from luxury hotel to luxury hotel.

Wolfcastle: The only bottles of alcohol I could get were very tiny.

Burns: That's not all we got you.

Burns: You're now hosting a reality TV show so your tremendous Teutonic talents can once again distract the good people of Springfield.

Wolfcastle: Distract?

Burns: So, that's just my way of saying "entertain."

Wolfcastle: TV for Wolfcastle. If I am to be in front of cameras, I must take this flabby coal body and turn it hard as a diamond.

/ / /

Krusty: Hey Brockman, you better not be here for 'America's Laziest Premises'. Hosting a reality competition was the crap job I was born for!

Brockman: I don't know anything about that terrible reality program where ordinary people are judged on who has the best idea for a terrible reality program.

Wolfcastle: Oh hello there, Krampy and Vhite-Haired Guy.

Wolfcastle: Have you come to audition fo rmy fantastic new unscripted series? We are still looking for desperate contestants to exploit.

Krusty: You're the host?! I'm six times the star as Steroid Hitler! Looks like I have to remind Springfield who's the true big shot in this 'burg.

/ / /

Brockman: Pass me over for work, will they? Well, they picked the wrong fear-baiting sensationalist to slight.

Brockman: Tonight's shocking headline - "Reality TV: Threat or Menace...or Atrocity?"

/ / /

Burns: Excellent.

Burns: These celeb-fed nimrods are flapping their bleached gums about nonsensical drivel, while any issue of substance is as forgotten as that dance that preceded the Charleston.

Burns: Time to lighten my pockets on a little nuclear-fueled stroll.

/ / /

Cletus: Thanks you kindly for visitin' my humble, alcohol-growing farm. I think you'll find lots of that ratin' generation' drama 'round here.

Wolfcastle: Vhite trash are good for funny laugh at. It is the comedy of knowing I am better than you.

Cletus: Follow me around, and yud get the reals story...on things ya don't care about. I call the show "What Dat Bain' Dere?!"

Wolfcastle: I enjoy this, because your accent is veird and your physical appearance bizarre. That statement carries no irony.

/ / /

Wiggum: Excuse me, sir, but we've received a report of a 5-22 in this area...

Wiggum: That's the crime of not putting the chief of police on your TV program.

Wolfcastle: Police Person Viggums, I like how you are a police person who plays by his own rules. It reminds me of when I am McBain.

Wolfcasle: Is your idea for "America's Laziest Premises" about a gritty, violence-packed law show?

Wiggum: I was thinking more like a gritty, violence-packed food show.

Wiggum: I actually got my idea while sleep eating! It's literally the food show of my dreams.

Wolfcastle: Another cooking competition...I already like how lazy it is.

Wiggum: It would be like Top Chef meets Survivor meets the chili cook-off I always win.

Wolfcastle: This sounds great, especially the part you did not think of. I will shoot this at El Chemistri.

Wolfcastle: For what is the point of having a reality show, if I can't get important chefs to feed me free food.

/ / /

Homer: Hideous fat man, come back with my dinner!

Homer: But this is my idea for "America's Laziest Premises." It's a prank show where every prank is that I steal someone's meal and eat it.

Wolfcastle: I warn you, that chili pepper is Wolfcastle strength. An average lard ball like yourself won't have the intestinal strength to survive.

Homer: I've eaten a whole saltlick before in one sitting at that stable. I think I can handle one little pepper.

/ / /

Skinner: Excuse me, Mr. Burns, but I have a teacher who is trying to unionize for better pay and benefits.

Skinner: I fear she could succeed in uniting everyone, since she is the only teacher we have.

Burns: Ah, you want to borrow my guy to spay your Norma Rae. Wolfcastle, come here a momentiola.

Edna: Skinner, I need real health insurance.

Edna: I'm tired of using anatomy lessons to crowd-source diagnoses from the students. And their prescriptions are never strong enough!

Wolfcastle: Mrs. Krabappel, put down your protest sign, and behold human perfection! BEHOLD WOLFCASTLE!

/ / /

Edna: If this is the new health plan, I'll let this Austrian Adonis take my temperature any day. HA!

/ / /

Brockman: I've been spreading hyperbolic panic, and still Wolfcastle is hogging the limelight.

Brockman: It's time I escalate this media war from conventional to guerilla.

Brockman: Get ready for the viralest video of all time, world...because Kent Brockman is going to rant into a webcam!

/ / /

Wolfcastle: I see you are trying to cyber-bully me, Brockman. So I am here to real-bully you.

Brockman: *gulp* I'm sure we can settle this dispute with a peaceful dialogue.

Wolfcastle: yes, we could. But what is the fun in that? I recommend taking a calcium supplement now, so your bones heal faster.

Brockman: By any chance, you wouldn't once again fall for the old "your laces are untied" bit, would you?

Wolfcastle: Vhut about my laces?

/ / /

Wolfcastle: On closer inspection, these still are loafers.

/ / /

Carl: Today's finally the day we stand up to Mr. Burns and demand a safer plant. And what perfect weather to picket for a strike.

Lenny: Yeah, amost too perfect. Do we want to spend such a nice day all angry and yelling?

Lenny: Especially when we might miss the latest gossip about this Wolfcastle/Brockman media feud! I'm Team Brockman...

Carl: ...and I'm Team Wolfcastle. Hey, instead of striking, let's go to Moe's and watch celebrities bicker on TV.

/ / /

Moe: Thanks so much for having me on your show, Mr. Wolfcastle. Usually, I'm told cameras can't take the exposure to the ol' Szyslak kisser.

Wolfcastle: Don't worry. We set up a system of mirrors to protect our equipment. Now tell us your idea, so we may film you, and judge you later.

Moe: The title of my show is "The Sleezeball." It'd be a dating show where I date any lady willing to sign the release forms.

Moe: I figure their craving to be on TV will work like a legal roofie.

Wolfastle: You disgust me, but in a vay I vant to vatch. But I use my "Vild Card" to change the idea so we get fewer lawsuits.

Wolfcastle: You'll scare couples on a date by being you, and document yourself doing it.

Wolfcastle: It will be like Ghost Hunters, except you are your own ghost that you hunt.

Moe: Eh, that sounds fine too. Either way, I'll meet new people.

/ / /

Bart: Mom, you've got to help me find a way to get you on Wolfcastle's reality show!

Marge: I'm sorry, Bart. But I'm very busy today.

Bart: What are you talking about? You're a mom -- you're never busy.

Marge: Hmmmm. Maybe if you saw a day in my life, you'd understand how difficult being a mom really is.

/ / /

Bart: Wow. Real housewives are a lot more boring than Real Housewives.

/ / /

Smithers: Mr. Wolfcastle, Mr. Burns has another dignity-lowering assignment for you.

Wolfcastle: Vhat does that vithered pigeon tendon vant now?

Burns: I booked you for an interview with Kent Brockman!

Burns: I haven't seen a public quarrel with this rancorous since the front-page feud between an aging Douglas Fairbanks and that upstart Rin Tin Tin.

Burns: We must keep this vapid controversy at full boil.

Burns: Between that and the hoopla over your brainless show, no one has time to pay attention to anything important.

Wolfcastle: If that is vhat you vant, then that is vhat Volfcastle will do.

Wolfcastle: Ugh. I should really try to word my sentences without so many W's in them.

/ / /

Wolfcastle: I vas vonce the greatest movie star in the vorld. Now I am a henchman for that brittle nuclear baron, Mr. Burns.

Wolfcastle: Have I become as delusional as the vimps and veakoids on my pathetic unscripted program, clutching at celebrity?

Wolfcastle: Comic Book Person images an audience for "Comic Book Man," vhere a nerd talks nerd-talk.

Wolfcastle: Elderly Skinner lady believes her attitude vould make "Sassy Mamas" a hit.

Wolfcastle: That Viggums boy doesn't get that on "Little Wiggy Poo Poo" he vould just be showing off that he is a tubby idiot.

Wolfcastle: All dream people vant to see their sad lives. Yet do I act any wiser?

Wolfcastle: I am being mocked across entertainment platforms.

Wolfcastle: I have become a rock hard, finely sculpted punchline! Rainier Volfcastle: that is the joke.

Wolfcastle: Ugh, vhy Volfcastle you doing these hollow, vorthless jobs? I must go home and hide from my disappointments.

/ / /

Wolfcastle: You are cancelling "America's Laziest Premises"?! But it hasn't even aired!

Wolfcastle: How could all the footage be unusable? I am screaming in more than 80% of it! THAT ALWAYS VORKS!

Wolfcastle: *click*

Wolfcastle: They hung up on me.

Wolfcastle: I vill take out my fury on the iron I pump. For I swear vengeance on you, TV netvorks of Springfield! This is not the end of VOLFCASTLE!

/ / /

Wolfcastle: I told you that I vas not the end. And vant to tell you, Mr. Burns, I am done being your lackey!

Burns: What are you going to do, you jobless, slab-necked oaf? Go into politics so you can freeload off the government?

Wolfcastle: The publicity from Brockman has made me famous again. And vith no TV show, I am free to do films.

Wolfcastle: My agents already set me up to direct and star in "Death Grandpas."

Wolfcastle: I play a former Navy SEAL who must protect a retirement community from terrorists and long-haired teenagers.

Wolfcastle: The movie costs $80 million so far, and it hasn't even been written. Film is truly the hack work of kings!

/ / /

Lisa: Bart, remember Sir Putt-A-Lot's? You used to be crazy about miniature golf!

Bart: I'm not crazy about anything miniature. Golf, van, punschers -- I prefer all of them full-sized.

Bart: But I did love their lax security. I once walked right past the guard with a shopping bag from "The Fireworks Barn".

Lisa: Well, we should rebuild it anyway. It'll keep you off the streets.

Bart: I'm in. I wanna cherry bomb four toilets at once. Kind of a Vegas "Dancing Waters" thing.

Lisa: La, la, la, can't hear you! Not an accessory!

/ / /

Homer: Aw, Sir Putt-A-Lot's! You know, Bart -- you were conceived on this minigolf course. Right there in that castle and/or windmill.

Bart: I know. And I'm pretty sure your constantly teling me that story is why I'm the way I am.

Homer: So you wanna play a round of mini-golf with your old man?

Bart: No, I came to vandalize the bathroom. Help me open this door, will ya?

Rod: Bart? Bart's daddy?

Todd: Where are we?

Bart: Rod and Todd?! Quick, close the door again!

Homer: What are you two doing here?

Todd: We were in the bathroom washing our hands because we accidentally made an obscene gesture.

Rod: From now on when we sing, "Where is the pointer finger?" we're not going to ask about any other fingers!

Todd: Before we could scrub the sin away, there was an explosion and we got trapped inside.

Bart: I bet that was my toilet cherry bomb.

Homer: Or when I blew up the whole town.

Bart: The important thing is that they were gone for a long long time, and we were responsible.

/ / /

Ned: Oh, my boys! The Good Lord brought you back to me!

Rod: I saw mommy in a bright light. She told me to go back and that I'd see her again when it was my time.

Todd: I saw a black, featureless abyss!

Ned: Well, don't worry, boys. I'll make sure nothing ever happens to you again.

Rod and Todd: Yay, nothing!

/ / /

Ned: Excuse me, Lisa. I need to pick up more child-proofing supplies. Could ya watch the boys while I'm out?

Lisa: Sure, Mr. Flanders. Is there anything I should know?

Ned: Well, they've been lying on the couch for the last three hours...

Lisa: So you want me to get them up and do something active?

Ned: NO! Nothing active! But, in another hour, could you roll'em on to their tummies so they don't get couch-sores?

Lisa: *SIGH* Five bucks an hour is five bucks an hour.

/ / /

Marge: Ned, I've been talking to Lisa and I'm concerned about Rod and Todd.

Ned: That's mighty neighborino-ly of you, but don't worry!

Ned: My boys are home-schooled and home-churched -- they never leave the bubble-wrapped walls of my house.

Marge: Don't you think you're being a little overprotective? Kids need to play in the fresh air and sunshine.

Ned: I suppose I should let the boys go out for a little to enjoy our great, green earth. After all, God spent a whole week making it.

Marge: Exactly, sort of. Boys, why don't you go outside and play on something safe and fun like a see-saw.

Todd: Yay! First I'll be closer to God, then you'll be closer to God...

Rod: Then I'll be closer to God, then you'll be closer to God...

Todd: Then I'll be closer to --

Marge: WE GET IT!

/ / /

Rod: Daddy! I got a splinter!

Ned: Oh no, where?

Rod: In my pant cuff!

Todd: A breeze riffled my hair. Now, my part is crooked.

Ned: I knew it was a mistake to let you boys go outside! I've got to get you to the doctor, ASAP!

Todd: But you said doctors were godless heathens we should never listen to.

Ned: No, that's scientists.

/ / /

Hibbert: It's a good thing you brought the boys in when you did, Ned. A few more days, and it would have been too late. *chuckles*

Ned: Good heavens! What would have happened?

Hibbert: They would have been permanently and irreparably...turned into weirdoes.

Hibbert: You're smothering these kids, Ned. They need to spend time with their peers.

Ned: But other kids are so...different.

Hibbert: No Nedm your kids are so different. They could use a dose of other-kid-ness, stat.

/ / /

Ned: Okay boys this is it -- your first day of public school.

Rod: I'm scared of public school! They're going to teach us that the Garden of Eden was the dinosaurs' house before Adam and Eve lived there!

Todd: And that Christmas's real name is Holidays.

Ned: Now boys, just because someone teaches you something, doesn't mean you have to learn it!

Ned: When I took science classes as a kid, I'd just sign hymns in my head or write bible verses on the roof of my mouth with the tip of my tongue.

Ned: And I never absorbed any of that Evolution nonsense. I'm only kinda sure where babies come from.

/ / /

Ned: Boys, you've been going to school for a whole week. For that you get a special treat!

Ned: Sunday School!

Rod and Todd: Yay!

Todd: I hope we play Crucifictionary. I'm good at drawing "scrourging"!

/ / /

Lisa: Hey Rod, do you wanna climb on the monkey bars?

Rod: Are they called that because the God of Evolution is monkeys?

Lisa: No! It's because it's fun to climb on them, like a monkey.

Rod: And if I do, you promise I won't evolve?

Lisa: I'm pretty sure that won't happen.

Rod: Yay! Static universe!

/ / /

Todd: Hi Bart. What's that in your hand?

Bart: Squishee, collosal size.

Rod: It's so green and glowy!

Bart: It's their new flavor, alien berry. Wanna try it? It'll blow your mind.

Todd: Okay.

Rod: That has sugar, Todd! It causes cavitives!

Bart: Pfft, that link has never been proven. Go ahead, Todd. See? Sugar doesn't do anything. Now if I could just get my Squishee back...

Todd: No! It's mine! MINE!

Bart: Whoa.

Rod: Todd? You sound like you're possessed! I better brush up on demon banishing by playing Bible Blaster.

Todd: The straw is too skinny. It's not getting in my mouth fast enough!

Bart: Hey, maybe you should slow down...

Todd: Maybe you should shut up or I'll punch your face off!

/ / /

Lisa: Hi Rod, what are you doing?

Rod: Praying for forgiveness. I've committed the sin of jealousy. Toward you.

Lisa: Me?! Why?

Rod: I'm jealous that you get to wear mommy clothes.

Lisa: Oh.

Rod: Do you want to play "Try-on-each-other's-shoes?"

Lisa: Um, you should probably just get back to your praying.

/ / /

Todd: Why is my straw making that horrible sound?

Bart: You've come to the bottom of the cup. You're all out of Squishee.

Todd: Oh. Can you take me to where I can get more?

Bart: Sorry, I have to get going...Ow! Hey, you're strong! *choking* My larynx!

Todd: Take me to the Squishee. Now!

Bart: *gasping* Yes, sir.

/ / /

Apu: Here you boys go -- two Super-Colossal Squishees.

Todd: Thank you! I wish you believed in the real god so you could sell Squishees in heaven!

Apu: Young man, your casual dismissal of the sacred beliefs of myself and millions of others frightens and sickens me.

Apu: So take your Frequent Squishee-Drinkers punch card and...

Apu: Come again!

/ / /

Ned: Homer, I'm seeing a lot of your children's influence on my boys. Bart, mostly. Although Rod is starting to wear pearls.

Homer: You're welcome, Ned. Glad we could help.

Ned: No, Homer, I'm saying I don't want my kids to be like your kids. I like them the way they are.

Homer: What?! But your kids are weird!

Ned: Well, your kids are...wild!

Homer: How dare you! There's only one-way to settle the question of who's a better parent -- a mini-golf tournament.

Ned: Huh? How would that settle anything?

Homer: Sounds like somebody's chicken. Bok-bok-bok-ba-gaak!

Ned: No, I just don't understand how minigolf relates to--

Homer: Bok-bok-bok-bok--

Ned: Fine, you're on!

/ / /

Nelson: I wanna do this.

Homer: Sorry, this tournament is private.

Nelson: Dude, did you not notice my threatening tone when I said...

Nelson: I wanna do this.

Homer: *gulp* Open tournament! Anyone can join!

/ /

Ned: Welcome to round one of Mini-Masters! First up are Bart, Rod and Nelson. Remember boys, the important thing is that everyone has fun.

Homer: I feel the same way.

Homer: I don't feel the same way, Bart. I want you to win at all costs.

Ned: Homer, you're doing that whispering thing you do where everyone can hear every word you're saying.

Homer: What are you talking about? I'm not whispering!

Homer: I think they can hear me so I'm going to stop whispering now.

/ / /

Nelson: Stupid colored balls, stupid little pencils. I can't believe how much I hate this! How long does this go on?

Bart: Eighteen holes. This is hole number three.

Nelson: Life's too short -- I'm gonna go watch TV. Smell ya later, lamewads.

Ned: Well, Nelson's out. And Rod still refuses to retrieve his ball from the first hole...

Rod: A rollie-pollie crawled in there and he didn't crawl out!

Ned: So I guess you win this round, Bart.

Ned: Congratulations, Homer. You're being surprisingly gracious about this.

Homer: About what?

Ned: About Bart's winning.

Homer: We won? Yes! In your face, sucka!

Ned: That's the Homer I know.

/ / /

Ned: It's time for round two of this yellow Skins Tournament, with Lisa Simpons, Martin Prince, and my own little Toddy.

Homer: Lisa, please, please, win this for Daddy. Does it help if I tell you that if you lose, it will ruin everything?

Lisa: Dad, you wouldn't have to derive your self-esteem from your children if you had your own accomplishments.

Homer: But that entails not drinking and daily showers.

Lisa: Fine. Gimme the putter.

/ / /

Ned: Oh my goodness! The winner of round two is...Todd some-relation Flanders!

Bart: Way to put all the pressure on me, Lis.

Lisa: Well, that doesn t make me feel very good.

Bart: You know what would ve made you feel good?

Lisa: Not losing?

Bart: Bingo.

/ / /

Homer: And for the final qualifying round of this...mini-golf thing, it s...Milhouse versus Ralph? Wow. Dud and Dudder, I m gonna nap in my car.

Milhouse: I can win this. All I have to do is beat the one kid who loses at more things than I do. And I totally don t feel bad about it!

Ralph: The urinals here are outside. They have pennies and fish in them.

Milhouse: Okay, I feel a little bad.

/ / /

Homer: Bart, Todd, and Ralph, congratulations on making it to the final round.

Homer: And in my book, you are all winners.

Homer: Until after this round then my book will be edited and only the actual winner will be a winner. The other two will be big, fat losers.

/ / /

Ned: Todd has spent the last four holes cowering behind the hedge.

Todd: The giant alligator ate my ball!

Ned: It's an alligator statue -- it's suppose to eat your ball. That's why there's a flag sticking out of it's nostril.

Todd: I forfeit!

Ned: And Bart knocked his ball out of the park. Literally. Over the fence, and onto the freeway.

Bart: I'm like Tiger Woods...the golfer, not the one who did all that bad stuff.

Ned: So I guess the winner is Ralph Wiggum!

Homer: Bart! I don't mean to be negative...but you sucked like crazy!

Bart: I had an off day.

Wiggum: Ralphie's so happy! And a happy Ralph is a non-fire-starting Ralphie. Thank you, Bart.

Homer: Why did Wiggum wink when he thanked you? And what's in that bag he handed you?

Bart: A token of his gratitude. Two police issue tasers.

Homer: He bribed you into throwing the tournament? You don't suck, you're just a cheater! Do you realize what this means?!

Homer: I'm a great father!

Bart: Wanna play taser-tag?

Homer: I sure do, son. I sure do.

/ / /

Snake: I'm totally going to get past the museum's alarms and armed guards to steal the famous Star of Odenville Diamond!

Snake: But first, I'll need caffeine and junk food to get me pumped up for this legendary heist!

/ / /

Apu: Chief Wiggum, my store has been violated yet again! What steps are you going to take?

Wiggum: I'm not about the past, Apu. I'm all about what the future holds.

Wiggum: And I see my future holding that box of donuts and a free pineapple Squishee.

Apu: This is unacceptable! Criminals run willy-nilly in this town and the police do nothing.

Apu: I'm going to call newsman Kent Brockman and have him perform an expos!

Wiggum: What kind of expos?

Apu: Hard-hitting!

Wiggum: *gasp* No need for that! I'll round up the troops.

Wiggum: I'll even get the S.W.A.T. van back...which I borrowed to take my gym equipment to the dump.

/ / /

Wiggum: Eddie & Lou, good to have you back.

Wiggum: Everyone's been complaining about police responsiveness, so we need to really put on a show for the people.

Eddie: What, like "Avenue Q"?

Wiggum: No, you idiot. Where would we get money for that quality of puppets?

Wiggum: Now, I don't want to do a lot of patrolling because there's no guarantee anyone will see us doing it.

Wiggum: So I'm setting up a physical training exercise.

Wiggum: That way the citizens will have something to watch...and that something will be Eddie coughing up a lung.

/ / /

Wiggum: Bad news. Quimby's jumped on this ridiculous "let's catch criminals" bandwagon.

Wiggum: He wants more results than Eddie going down a belt size from all that wall exercise.

Lou: Maybe we could go over some old cold cases and make some actual arrests.

Wiggum: Hmm, cold cases reminds me of other cold things...like milkshakes.

Wiggum: Lou, hit those files. Eddie, let's see if we can eat you back into those size 36 pants.

/ / /

Eddie: Chief, I got a lead -- some local farmers filed a complaint that Cletus is brewing moonshine.

Wiggum: Well, you know how farmers love to complain. They're rolling in watermelon and chicken, but all they do is whine, whine, whine.

Lou: Maybe we should have a conversation with Cletus to check it out anyway.

Wiggum: Ugh, fine. Police work is the part of this job I hate.

/ / /

Lou: So Chief, did you get any leads on the moonshine?

Wiggum: Ish all under control! I brought back a few jugs of hish stuff to make sure Cletus don't, don't, doesn't sell them.

Wiggum: He's sorry, so we're not preshing chargesh.

Lou: But Chief!

Wiggum: Help me get 'em inside. I'm a little unsteady on my feet. And I think I'm...yesh! I'm starting to go blind.

/ / /

Homer: Marge! Flanders' wifi is out again, so I can't watch Netflix!

Marge:Well I'm not asking him to turn his modem on and off again - it's embarassing. Have you seen Bart?

Homer: I saw him with Milhouse. They were unsupervised, so I'm sure they're fine.

Marge: Go find him. I don't want him to get in trouble with the authorities again.

Marge: He's already got two strikes against him...and God knows how many foul balls.

Homer: Fine, I'll go look for him...as far as you know.

Marge: What was that?

Homer: Nothing. Love you, sweetie.

/ / /

Eddie: Mr. Simpson? We'd like to question you about a local  brown house  which seems to be the center of some minor felonies.

Homer: It certainly has!

Homer: That's why I came over to investigate. The door was wide open, the TV was already on, and the wifi was streaming real smooth.

Eddie: What about the fridge being raided, the beer cans strewn all over, and the wall-to-wall carpeting you pulled off the floor to use as a blanket?

Homer: I get cold when I watch TV drunk.

/ / /

Lou: So after thirty seconds, Homer not only implicated himself, but just about everyone else in town.

Lou: That brown house is a locus of break-ins, vandalism, and theft.

Wiggum: File it under  boring,  Lou...just like your use of the word  locus."

Wiggum: We won t have to do all the other arrests if we can just solve some big, flashy crimes. And that ll still placate Quimby.

Lou: You get to use  placate,  but I can t use  locus ?

Wiggum: I have the gravitas to pull it off. Now catch me a  Dexter  so we can  Shawshank  him!

/ / /

Lou: Everyone in Springfield is involved in some kind of petty crime.

Eddie: Yeah, but Chief says we need to find something big -- some super-dangerous criminal.

Lou: Uh... my gun s been jammed for a couple of years.

Eddie: I don't even know where mine is. Let's go get a jaywalker or two.

/ / /

Brockman: This is Kent Brockman, reporting on the dramatic surge in police action in Springfield.

Wiggum: There s no  dramatic surge,  Kent.

Wiggum: What happened is I switched our coffee from decaf to regular. It gave some of our officers the jitters, but they're moving a lot faster.

Brockman: But what about all the law-abiding citizens being arrested for seemingly meaningless violations?

Wiggum: Kent, you can t call any law meaningless! We don t rank laws. A kidnapping is no more important than a broken taillight.

Wiggum: Actually, can I change that last thing I said?

Brockman: We re live.

Wiggum: Nuts. I m very tired, Kent. I think my coffee high wore off.

/ / /

Moe: All right, ya bums, last call!

Barney: But it s only ten o clock, which means I can still read the clock, which means I ve only begun to get drunk.

Moe: I got a date, if you must know.

Barney: Ooooh. Is it serious?

Moe: No, she don t know nothin  about it. I m scoping her out for when she does become available.

Moe: Then I ll be able to tell her that I spied on her for years. Love is best when done as a long con, Barn.

/ / /

Lou: Hey, Chief, what s Moe doing there in the bushes? He looks pretty suspicious.

Wiggum: Oh, he s just spying on Marge. That s his hobby. It s good for him - keeps him out of trouble.

Lou: Now, when Eddie gets back from his date, I want you and him to look for big crime!

Lou: Who s Eddie on a date with?

Wiggum: Not your ex-wife Amy! And even if it were, she definitely wouldn t be wearing that red dress you got her for Valentine s Day.

Lou: I feel like I m going to be sick.

Wiggum: Not on your uniform, please. We only get reimbursed for getting blood stains out.

/ / /

Wiggum: Well, well, well. If it isn t our old pal Snake, aka Jailbird. Or Jailbird, aka Snake. Search him, Eddie!

Wiggum: Got a stack of papers on you, huh, Snake? What are they, rolling papers, or contracts to take out hits?

Snake: Dude, no. They re just blank insurance policies.

Snake: I m a legitimate life insurance salesman now.

Wiggum: I ve never been able pass a life insurance physical. I ve got a touch of diabetes. And gout.

Wiggum: Oh, and I m a policeman who s been shot five times. All right, on your way!

Snake: Later, Dude.

Snake: Excuse me, old man... I can get you a primo deal on a life insurance policy.

Snake: Just write,  Snake,  on that beneficiary line and I ll make sure your family gets the money.

/ / /

Wiggum: Nice job hitting your arrest numbers, boys.

Wiggum: I love quotas -- keeping the city safe by hitting meaningless statistical targets.

Lou: If it s all the same, Chief, I d like to follow up on some old witness reports. I think some of these cases are low-hanging fruit.

Wiggum: Oh, don t you love when it hangs low? You don t have to get up on your tippy-toes, or raise your arms. God I hate raising my arms.

/ / /

Fat Tony: Chief Wiggum, I congratulate you on your exemplary work keeping petty crimes in check.

Wiggum: Thank you, Fat Tony.

Wiggum: Now you don't have any unpaid traffic tickets, illegal fireworks, or anything of that kind I need to look into, do you?

Fat Tony: Absolutely not. All my crimes are of an unpetty nature.

Fat Tony: Now if you'll excuse me, I have things that need trafficking.

Wiggum: Oh, sure. Everybody's got important things to do. Me, I've got to mail back Sarah's Zappos shoes.

/ / /

Wiggum: Don't you find that peope are less likely to commit crimes around us because we're men?

Lou: I think they're less likely to because we're cops.

Wiggum: No really, I think I'm onto something here. Which is why I've decided that tonight, I'm going undercover as a woman!

Stu: Actually, you've been doing that a lot, Chief. I'd been meaning to talk to you about that...

Wiggum: What? Does it not look good on me? My colorist said I'm a fall but I think I'm more of an autumn.

/ / /

Wiggum: All right, boys, Quimby texted me to say good work, but that we still have a lower arrest rate than Detroit.

Wiggum: And they don't even have police there anymore.

Lou: But Chief, who do we arrest? We've already nailed the poeple who've actually commited crimes.

Wiggum: I heard the word "actually" in there, Lou. Let's change that.

/ / /

Snake: I was fine with prison overcrowding when it was hardcore criminals...but all these moms, dads, doctors, and teachers is cruel and unusual punishment!

/ / /

Apu: While I consider this arrest unjust, I will confess that a night in jail is preferable to taking care of eight small children.

/ / /

Ned: Just to be clear, roomie, you'd like me to point this soap that's been carved to look like a gun at the guard when he brings dinner?

Ned: And he knows that this is a joke? Well, I do love jokes!

/ / /

Cletus: An inside outhouse what's got a sink on top of it? Free orange clothes? This is the fanciest place I's ever been in!

/ / /

Krusty: I can't be in jail -- I'm a celebrity! What if no one recognizes me?!

/ / /

Willie: I had me choice of roommate between a Mexican gang killer and an Englishman who jaywalked. Jose and I are getting along just dandy.

/ / /

Burns: What ho, hoosegow-mates! Shall we all go take a gander at the strongmen in the outdoor gymnasium?

Burns: Why are you pointing that dangerously sharp toothbrush at me?

/ / /

Comic Book Guy: This is infinitely worse than the Negative Zone Prison Alpha operated by S.H.I.E.L.D. I demand to see your Tony Stark!

/ / /

Lovejoy: Lord, I've been in your service for fifteen years. I've prayed to you every day.

Lovejoy: Would it be too much to ask you to listen to me just once and get me out of this friggin' stinkhole?!

/ / /

Marge: I know that I didn't come to a complete stop at that stop sign, but our car's transmission falls out when you do that.

/ / /

Wiggum: Hey! I was just cleaning out this cell and the door locked behind me.

Wiggum: Hello? Funny mistake because we all know how cops get treated in prison. Oh God.

/ / /

Luigi: Thrown in jail like-a-spaghetti-on-a-wall. And-a my only crime is being a cultural stereotype-a!

/ / /

Grampa: Why? I didn't kill nobody or steal nothing or sell my pills to those bullies for a dollar a pop like I did in that dream.

Grampa: Wait, who took my pills and why do I have all these dollars?

/ / /

Quimby: Outside these walls I'm the mayor. Inside them, I, er, seem to be a ring girl for Mexican mafia yard fights.

/ / /

Krabappel: Overcrowding, dangerous occupants, horrible food - I'll go anywhere as long as it's not back to that school.

/ / /

Hibbert: I'm telling you, it wasn't a drug deal! I was just giving Chester money to fix my shed.

/ / /

Smithers: My name is C. Montgomery Burns. I'm one hundred and fifteen years old and I'm ready to serve my time.

/ / /

Homer: I thought Free-to-Play meant I could just take the phone from the myPhone store.

/ / /

Skinner: Call the school and anyone will tell you that this must be a Bart Simpson prank.

Skinner: So you can forget that strip search that you're about to...doooooooooooooooo!

/ / /

Moe: I get put in the slammer for an illegal U-turn? Well ain't that a laugh. You should see what I got in my basement!

/ / /

Wiggum: Great work, boys! We've made more arrests this week than in the entire history of the S.P.D.

Lou: But, Chief, we haven't gone after the big fish, like Fat Tony.

Wiggum: You know I'd like a big arrest, but have you ever talked to that guy? Very menacing-sounding.

Wiggum: So instead we're going to round up this list of repeat offenders from the Springfield School system.

/ / /

Lisa: I'm following in the footsteps of Nelson Mandela and Benazir Bhutto. I wonder if they mised their Malibu Stacy dolls too?

/ / /

Bart: Whoa, this is like Scared Straight...but without the tutoring and talks from mentors. I could get used to this.

/ / /

Martin: Improbably, prisoners have women interested in marrying them. So now finally there is hope for me!

/ / /

Nelson: Prison? Wow, I kind of jumped right to the end of my life story. Oh well, at lesat I got to skip a lot of boring stuff.

/ / /

Milhouse: I wasted my one phone call, but I had to vote on America's Top Runway Model!

/ / /

Ralph: This camp smells hurty.

/ / /

Brockman: This is Kent Brockman reporting.

Brockman: Abuse of police power has reached epidemic proportions.

Brockman: It seems that no one is safe from their persecution, not even our clergymen, our upstanding citizens, our children...

Wiggum: Our newsmen.

Brockman: Exactly. Wait, what?

Wiggum: Just finishing your sentence. Which is funny because we're going to get you started on a new kind of sentence right now!

/ / /

Wiggum: Okay, so maybe arresting a bunch of kids and throwing them into a dangerous prison didn't work out as well as I thought it would.

Lou: We should get those kids out of jail before anything terrible happens.

Wiggum: You're right. Like missing their social studies unit at school.

Wiggum: I hear that it's about the Pueblo Indians and they deserve all the attention they can get.

Lou: I don't know if they're so great.

Lou: They lived in the same kind of adobe huts for hundreds of years while people in Europe were building castles.

Wiggum: They were happy, Lou! Isn't that more important than having a tile roof? Geez!

Wiggum: Now get those kids in reform school and make sure they learn about the Pueblo!

/ / /

Quimby: I hope that with all the increased police activity, you aren't having any trouble, er, conducting business.

Fat Tony: The only difficulty I have encountered is that there are not enough attendees at the racetrack to boost the betting pools.

Quimby: I'll see to it that the police release anybody who's got a racing sheet on him or who looks clincially depressed enough to go to the track.

/ / /

Fat Tony: Boys, we live in fortuitous times.

Legs: How's that, boss?

Fat Tony: Our legitimate enterprises usually have to operate within a certain shroud of secrecy.

Fat Tony: But all the petty crimes have been keeping the polizia's attention away from us.

Fat Tony: It's refreshing to be in such a relaxed and stress free state while we strong-arm, murder, and swindle.

/ / /

Eddie: We keep getting emails from the Mayor's office telling us to let gamblers and concrete union workers out of jail.

Eddie: Clearly Quimby's got something going on with Fat Tony.

Lou: We could stage a coup and make Chief Wiggum mayor.

Eddie: No, the Chief has said he'd never accept that job because he doesn't want to be named "America's Fattest Mayor." Let's investigate Quimby.

/ / /

Lou: Mayor Quimby, we have evidence linking you to a known organized crime syndicate in Springfield.

Lou: You are under arrest!

Quimby: You, ah, can't do this. I'll see to it that none of you has a job in law enforcement again!

Wiggum: Well, it's a bit of a go-nowhere field, anyway. I've been urging Ralphie to go into computer programming.

/ / /

Wiggum: Wow, who would have thought Mayor Quimby was corrupt? He's got such a symmetrical face!

Lou: So, can we go after Fat Tony now, Chief?

Wiggum: Yeah, now Quimby's not protecting him anymore, let's show him who's the real boss around here.

Eddie: How are we gonna play it? They've got a lot of guns.

Wiggum: We're going to distract them by ordering a huge pizza delivery to their address.

Wiggum: There could be a lot of carnage this time, boys. I'm planning to rip through a deep dish sausage on my own.

/ / /

Wiggum: Fat Tony, your days of snubbing your finger at the law are over!

Fat Tony: Is that so, officer?

Fat Tony: I would be very interested to know what you intend to charge me with, because I have been scrupulous in every single one of my...

Wiggum: Tax evasion!

Fat Tony: Legs, have we been scrupulously paying our taxes?

Legs: We've never paid any taxes, boss.

Fat Tony: So I'm guilty of the same thing as every charity and religious cult in America? Well, looks like we're in for a little vacation, boys.

/ / /

Lisa: Now that a huge organized crime ring has been put behind bars, maybe this town can return to normal.

Bart: Don't get carried away, Lisa. They're only going away for 24 hours. Why can't we send them away for longer, anyway?

Lisa: Because it's more fun to tap on all forty of your characters every single day to send them on 24-hour missions!

Bart: It is?

Lisa: Apparently. Now shut up and make me do next week's homework!

/ / /

Lisa: Principal Skinner? Have you ever thought about what comes after all this?

Skinner: Do you mean the afterlife? Yes, I've got it all figured out.

Skinner: Heaven will be me and mother sitting in comfy recliners, and I have control of the TV remote.

Skinner: Hell is the same, but she gets to pick the shows.

Lisa: No, I meant what comes after we kids graduate from Springfield Elementary. We need a high school!

/ / /

Skinner: When you have only one school in town, you only need a principal to run it.

Skinner: But with two schools, we'll need a...a...superintendent.

Chalmers: And poof, like magic, here I am.

/ / /

Chalmers: Well, Seymour, I see you're performing your duties to your usual high standard of sickening incompetence.

Skinner: Thank you, sir. As you can see, we still only have a handful of students at Springfield Elementary. It's lovely.

Chalmers: Yes. I'd almost forgotten how peaceful it is when the entire student body gets blown to Kingdom Come. We'll have to do it more often.

Chalmers: But for now, let's roll up our sleeves and get educating!

Chalmers: We'll start with the foundation of any strong liberal art education -- standardized test-taking.

/ / /

Chalmers: Seymour, these test scores are abominable! In science, we got the lowest aggregate score ever recorded!

Skinner: It could be argued that, by establishing a new worst, we have in fact made a major contribution to science.

Chalmers: It could be so argued by an idiot.

Skinner: But my point stands.

Chalmers: This is unacceptable, Skinner! Get out of my office while I think on what to do about this!

/ / /

Skinner: It's not my fault these idiot kids don't know the difference between the decay rate of a top quark and a W boson.

Skinner: I've provided them with the hands-off rote memorization of atomic numbers that young brains crave. And still they don't learn!

Lisa: Maybe we could try something a little more imaginative. Do you remember the Springfield Knowledgeum?

Skinner: How could I forget it?

Skinner: I once dropped a twenty dollar bill there, and I couldn't find it. It was one of the formative experiences of my adult life.

/ / /

Lisa: This is truly amazing.I feel like I am surrounded by knowledge, cradled in the bosom of learning!

Skinner: I would echo your sentiment, but if I say the word "bosom" around a child, I could lose my job.

Lisa: Let's split up. Remember -- we're looking for ways to make science fun for kids.

Skinner: Or, barring that, some sort of kid-shaped automaton that is good at science tests.

Skinner: Or, barring that, let's try to dtermine if there are any job openings in their janitorial team.

Skinner: And if so, if they'd be interested in someone like me.

/ / /

Lisa: I think I know how to revitalize the science curriculum. Let's do what this place does, and show that science is fun!

Skinner: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Lisa. "Science is fun?" I have a Masters in Education, young lady.

Skinner: And one of the things I learned in graduate school is that science is boring and, to use a technical term, sucky.

Skinner: Even Einstein knew science was a total snooze-fest! Probably. I mean, he was super-smart, so he must've known that.

Lisa: I'm telling you -- follow my advice, and Springfield Elementary will be filled with budding scientists in no time.

/ / /

Skinner: Uh, Superintendant Chalmers?

Chalmers: Can't you see I'm busy? I'm trying to determine the most painful, humiliating way to fire you.

Chalmers: What I have so far is good, but it doesn't really "sing" yet, you know?

Skinner: Yes, of course. But I think the children should be retested now that they've learned how fun science can be.

Chalmers: "Science is fun?" The very notion goes against centuries of Western thought. I'll admit it -- I'm intrigued.

/ / /

Chalmers: Well, look at that. The kids' test scores are up. Way up! I'm talking "satisfactory" up! Well done, Seymour!

Skinner: Thank you, sir. Although I have to admit, I had help.

Chalmers: Yes, yes, we all assumed that.

/ / /

Chalmers: Look at this! The improved test scores have earned me a citation from Town Hall, "in recognition of exemplary performance."

Chalmers: You did all the work, Skinner, and I got all the credit! It's every bureaucrat's dream!

Skinner: And it's every toadying lickspittle's dream to make his boss's dream come true! Congratulations!

/ / /

Quimby: In recognition of your fine work turning around Springfield Elementary, Superintendent Chalmers, you are hereby promoted to Intendent of Springfield High School.

Chalmers: Thank you, Mr. Mayor. Two questions: one, how is going from "Superintendent" to "Intendent" a promotion; and two, are you aware that Intendent is a made-up word?

Quimby: I oughta be, I made it up!

Quimby: It means a "principal," but where the town doesn't have the money to hire a principal because of widespread corruption that is in no way the mayor's fault.

Chalmers: I got into education because I wanted to cut art budgets, not have contact with children! I won't last a day!

/ / /

Chalmers: Great Scot, Skinner! I had no idea the students of today had grown so soft. They're like pampered veal calves, but with an even less promising future.

Chalmers: Heads always buried in their smart phones and tablets...What could they possibly be doing?

Skinner: They generally use them to play time-wasting, potential-draining "freemium" video games.

Skinner: Or at least they did until that fateful day when the game they were playing asked them how old they were, and they all had to stop.

Chalmers: I won't stand for it! I'm going to turn these kids into rugged, won't-take-no-for-an-answer individualists if it kills me!

Chalmers: We'll start with mandatory, 5:00 AM calisthenics!

/ / /

Chalmers: Participation in my morning calisthenics program is 0%.

Skinner: Look on the bright side. That's a lot higher than any of us expected sir.

Skinner: "Any of us" being people educated in Springfield public schools, who due to years of poor math instruction, don't understand how percentages work.

Chalmers: I've got to think of something. I always do my best thinking when I'm in the wilderness, honing my manly skills by surviving off the land.

/ / /

Chalmers: Did you realize, Seymour, that physical education in this school includes classes in "Badminton" and "Golf?"

Chalmers: No wonder these children are blobs of goo.

Skinner: The kids do enjoy badminton. They get to say "shuttlecock" a lot.

Chalmers: You're not supposed to enjoy sports!

Chalmers: Sports should push you to the brink of death, leave you utterly spent, heaving desperate gasps between blood-speckled coughs, asking yourself "Why, God, why am I so weak?"

Chalmers: From now on, the only sport here is Greco-Roman wresting! And matches don't stop until both students are crying!

/ / /

Chalmers: Starting today, all Springfield High School students will participate in the following classes:

Chalmers: Leadership, Mountaineering, Rough-Riding, Big Game Hunting, Celestial Navigation...

Chalmers: ...Tourniquet Making, Foraging, Trust Busting, Manliness...

Chalmers: ...Orienteering, Bare-Knuckle Brawling, Big Game Hunting II: Perspectives in Taxidermy, Chivalry...

Chalmers: If you have any questions, keep them to yourselves. That is all!

/ / /

Chalmers: Groundskeeper Willie! I wonder if you'd have time to build a caber-toss field at Springfield High.

Willie: But the noble Scottish sport of caber tossing was banned in Springfield years ago, on account of its being incredibly hazardous and generally pointless.

Chalmers: We're bringing it back!

Chalmers: I'll not send a single student off to college who isn't adept at heaving a tree trunk end-over-end so that it lands as close to a "twelve o'clock" position as possible.

Chalmers: It would be un-American to do so!

Willie: I think I'm going to cry...

/ / /

Chalmers: Corpulent Anthony!

Fat Tony: Yes?

Chalmers: My students are cowards!

Chalmers: I want you to send some of your toughest enforcers into my school, and push them around until they learn to stand up for themselves.

Chalmers: You're welcome to keep any lunch money that the weaker ones fork over.

Fat Tony: What a shockingly wrong-headed educational initiative. However, no grown-up bully can say "no" to lunch money.

/ / /

Chalmers: I've done it. I've molded these blubber-wrapped vidiots into capable young Americans.

Chalmers: Who are shockingly ignorant of literature, but still.

Chalmers: I think I should reward myself with a little "me time".

/ / /

Chalmers: I've got another invitation to Town Hall. Wonder what it could be for this time?

Chalmers: Maybe they've got a special commendation for me!

/ / /

Quimby: You idiot! You've transformed this town's kids into self-reliant, confident individualists. What do you have to say for yourself?

Chalmers: Uh...you're welcome?

Quimby: No! You don't get it do you?

Quimby: Do you think I've allowed this town's schools to fall apart by accident? That I didn't INTEND for every class to receive a poorer education than the one before?

Chalmers: But why would you do that?

Quimby: Because stupid people vote for incumbents!

Quimby: You start churning out free thinkers, me and every other incumbent in this declining country is doomed! THEN where will we all be?

Quimby: You are hereby demoted from Intendent to Superintendent. Now get out of my sight!

/ / /

Chalmers: I've failed. And relegated the children of Springfield to a life of ignorance of laziness.

Chalmers: It's time like this when the only thing that can cheer me up is partaking in an activity that is a playful pun on my beloved catchphrase.

/ / /

Homer: Ooh, my favorite dinner -- pork chops!

Marge: Not only that, but I wrapped some so you can snack on them when you go bowling. And the wrapping I used is bacon.

Homer: What's going on? Am I dying? If I am, you have to tell me! And make me bacon-wrapped brownies!

Marge: You're not dying!

Marge: Although with your cholesterol, every day is a gift. But the reason I'm being so nice is to thank you in advance...

Marge: ...for letting Patty and Selma live with us because they have no where else to go.

Homer: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Homer: I'll build them an apartment building. I don't care how much fake money it costs!

Marge: Homer, you're so thoughtful and generous!

Homer: Yes, I am.

Homer: Although...you know I would abandon them in the woods if that was an option, right?

Marge: Yes, Sweetie, I know.

/ / /

Patty: Feels good to exist again, eh, Selma?

Selma: I don't know -- the TV here only shows the later MacGyver episodes. They're all post-mullet.

Patty: What a godforsaken hellscape.

Selma: Hey, I know where we can find a half-dead whale that we can jab in the blubber for laughs.

Patty: You mean Homer?

Selma: Our secret twin language still works.

/ / /

Patty: Hey, Boba-Fat, could you trundle a few steps to the left? I can't see the TV. In fact, I can't see that whole half of the house.

Selma: And put on a hat. The screen's catching a glare from your chrome-dome.

Homer: Grrr...

Homer: If you need me I'll be doing an exterior quest.

/ / /

Homer: There, you've watched your stupid show. Now leave!

Patty: Ahhh, a good episode of MacGyver is like sex.

Selma: 'Cause there's sweating and jerry-rigged contraptions?

Patty: That too, but I meant it makes you want a cigarette.

Homer: If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom vomiting forever.

/ / /

Homer: Don't you she-trolls have anywhere else to be?

Patty: Sorry, Chunky Cheese. There's no DMV anymore, so we don't have jobs.

Selma: That's right, so we're just going to hang out all day and -- Hey, where'd he go?

Patty: There, through that Homer-shaped hole in the wall. Weird to see the Crisco Kid move so fast.

Selma: Yeah, it's like watching a walrus juggle.

Patty: I wonder what he was in such a hurry to do.

/ / /

Selma: Back at the DMV. Let the slow dying begin.

Patty: Hey, there were parts of this job we loved. Like that time the line stretched out the door while you stood at your window stapling papers.

Selma: I am pretty proud of that.

Patty: Everyone in line was fuming! You wouldn't even make eye-contact.

Selma: I ran out of staples in the first minute, but I "stapled" til my lunch-break. That was pure sense-memory acting.

Patty: A lot of people don't realize -- a big part of this job is mental.

/ / /

Patty: Next!

Smithers: Finally! This line is so long! Let's get this done quickly - Mr. Burns is already gonna kill me.

Patty: This is gonna be a goooood day!

/ / /

Homer: Marge! Where's my driver's license?

Marge: How would I know?

Homer: Because you know where everything is. Remember when I couldn't find my sandwich last week?

Marge: I happened to see it in the soap dish when I was cleaning the shower.

Homer: Please help me find my license! My wallet feels so naked without it.

Marge: Sure, it'll give me an excuse to take the couch pillows off and put them back again.

Marge: It makes me feel like I work in a couch pillow factory!

Homer: We all have our little fantasies!

/ / /

Marge: I found your license, Homie, but it's expired. You'll have to renew it.

Homer: Eh, what's the point? Nobody drives here anymore.

Marge: Well, you'd need it if we were at a bar and wanted to order a - Hey, where'd he go?

Marge: Now there are two Homer-shaped holes in the wall!

/ / /

Patty: Selma! Look who's stumbled into our web!

Homer: I'm here to renew my license.

Selma: You were right, Patty. Combining our birthday wishes made it come true!

Patty: He's ours to torture for as long as we want!

Homer: Will you two Lady Shreks just get on with it.

/ / /

Selma: Congratulations, Fat Boy Fat, you've passed your four hours road test.

Homer: I'm pretty sure the officially sanctioned road test does not include driving back and forth in front of your ex-boyfriend's house.

Selma: You should be glad that I give extra credit for throwing rocks at his window because you suck at parallel parking.

/ / /

Homer: Finally out of that car! Both of you blowing smoke in my face...*coughs* I think you gave me asthma.

Homer: Great. The one thing I had going for me was my sexy, clear airways.

Selma: Relax, Lard Hamilton, I'll show you how to fix that.

Selma: Cross your eyes. Now let your mouth go slack until a little bit of drool dribbles out...Perfect!

Homer: What was that flash?

Homer: You took my license photo?! C'mon, take a non-drooly one!

Selma: Sorry, it's time for our break.

/ / /

Homer: Gross and Grosserer won't get away with treating me like that.

Homer: I'll take away something that brings joy to their lives...which is hard to think of, because their lives seem pretty joyless.

Homer:...except for one thing.

/ / /

Miss Springfield: Hey Joe, there's papers and petitions all over your desk and that's where we usually "do it".

Quimby: Er, uh, Miss Springfield, might I remind you that I am in the middle of a press conference!

Miss Springfield: Oopsie!

Quimby: What the young lady meant by "do it" is, er, uh, respond to constituant concerns.

Miss Springfield: Oh Joe, you're so sexy when you're mayoring.

/ / /

Patty: I can't believe it. That giant, talking skin-tag actually got a law passed to ban tobacco.

Selma: This can't be happening. I'll run to the store and buy every pack I can get my hands on.

Patty: And I will, once again, explain to Marge why she should slowly poison Homer to death.

/ / /

Herman: Times of prohibition can often prove to be quite profitable...

Herman: Especially to those with flexible moral standards and access to firearms.

/ / /

Wiggum: No tobacco? Every teacher, beatnik and ballerina is gonna be going through withdrawal.

Wiggum: With everyone feeling so bitchy I'm gonna have to work twice as hard to keep the peace.

Wiggum: I swear the public treats me like I'm some kind of servant.

/ / /

Patty: It's been three hours since we ran out of cigarettes. I've never gone this long...even while sleeping!

Selma: Here, I rolled some tea in a piece of toilet paper. See how it smokes.

Patty: Ugh, it's awful! Even kids at home wouldn't want to try it.

Selma: Someone in this town has got to be holding.

/ / /

Wiggum: A lot of ex-smokers seem to be taking an interest in military antiques these days. Eh, it's probably nothing.

Wiggum: Although if I go home, I'll have to help Ralphie with his homework. And then it's dinner and bathtime and --

Wiggum: If only there was something that could occupy my time for the next twenty-four hours.

/ / /

Quimby: Oh Miss Springfield! Cabinet meeting, hot tub, now! Swimsuit optional.

Quimby: Aaaah! What happened to you?

Miss Springfield: Without cigarettes, I had to turn to a substance I don't normally partake in -- food!

Miss Springfield: But what's an extra 30 to 40 pounds when you got a love like ours, huh, Pookie-Bear?

Quimby: Er, uh, I want to get my Pookie-Bear some cigarettes. Let's jog over there now!

/ / /

Wiggum: Hey, Herman can I use your bathroo - OH MY GOD! Crime! Put your hands ub!

Herman: Don't you mean, "Put your hands up?"

Wiggum: Is that what it is? That makes soooo much more sense. Oh, hey, Mayor Quimby!

Wiggum: I mean, Mayor Quimby! Uh, none of this happened and isn't happening now, right?

Quimby: Er, uh, basically.

/ / /

Marge: Homie, this tobacco ban has been really hard on my sisters.

Homer: I know. I'm pretty stoked about it too.

Marge: It was the one thing in their lives that made them happy.

Homer: Woo hoo! It's official then -- I win!!

Marge: It's just...I can't be happy, if my sisters are so unhappy.

Homer: *sigh* Okay, I'll try to get the law changed. I guess I can take comfort in the fact that they'll be getting closer to death.

/ / /

Homer: Remember how I said I wanted you to ban tobacco? I changed my mind.

Quimby: Whatever. I already decided to lift the ban. It made my girlfriend, er, blimp out.

Homer: Great! But you could say it was kinda my idea?

Homer: It would score me some "hubby points." That's like the premium currency of our marriage.

Quimby: What?! And have you be fully responsible for any repercussions that may arise from this rash about-face in policy?

Quimby: Oh, all right.

/ / /

Quimby: Good people of Springfield, acting on the advice of my newly appointed cigarette czar, Homer Simpson, I am hereby lifting the ban on tobacco.

Quimby: So remember, I only did it because Homer told me to do it, unless it turns out great, in which case, it was my idea first.

Quimby: Thank you. And smoke 'em if you got 'em.

/ / /

Patty: Homer, as much it pains us, Selma and I have come to thank you.

Selma: We appreciate your getting our cigarettes back. Patty and I have vowed to stop calling you things like: Chubba Gump...

Patty: George Plumpton...

Selma: Fat Stevens...

Patty: Whale Rogers...

Homer: Okay, I get it. If it means that you two will finally stop abusing me. I guess it's all been worth it. See ya.

Patty: What are you talking about? We're staying for dinner.

Homer: You are?

Marge: I'm so glad you guys have made peace. It means that Patty and Selma can spend a lot more time with us.

Homer: Oh. Goodie.

/ / /

Nelson: I'm not feeling school today. Even the wedgies seem...educational.

Jimbo: Yeah, I've started calculating the potentional return on reinvesting lunch money in the current marketplace.

Jimbo: Let's get out of here before we learn anything!

Kearney: My kid's at daycare until three, so I'm in.

Nelson: Hey, I only heard two yesses. Where's Dolph?

Jimbo: At the arcade. He's been wasting his time playing some mindless video game for nonexistent rewards.

Nelson: He's really good. He's on level 36, but I'm only on level 21.

/ / /

Dolph: This Turbo Bully 2 game is totally unrealistic. Three gut punches are way stronger than a double wedgie.

Dolph: And I wasted a ton of money on Interactive Wall Street. Man, I hate social commentary.

Nelson: Let's go not live up to our potential somewhere else. You got a lighter?

Dolph: Nah, but the Kwik-E-Mart's got them on four-finger discount.

Nelson: Okay, I'll keep Apu busy with my patented Nelson diversion - dropping a Squishee on the floor.

/ / /

Marge: Bart Simpson, it's time to do something fun that you've been avoiding all day - clean your room.

Bart: Wish I could but I've got actual fun to do.

Marge: We'll make it a game - folding clothes lets you move two squares, removing anything with mold transports you to vacuum city where you battle the dust bunnies.

Marge: For every piece of clothing that goes into the hamper, you get three health points and matching socks takes you to the toy chest surprise...

Marge: Oh wait, he's gone.

/ / /

Dolph: The cops are on to us! Cheese it! They can smell our fear...or more likely, our Squishees.

Nelson: I can't move that fast. I'm loaded down with factory damaged Krusty O's. They're sharp!

Bart: Hey guys, I thought you said running was for losers, chumps, and Usain Bolt.

Nelson: Buzz off, Simpson - we've gotta find a place to lay low fast.

Bart: Then allow me to be your accomplice. I know you the perfect spot.

/ / /

Nelson: Nice move, Simpson. I almost regret giving you that swirlie.

Bart: You said there was a spider in my hair!

Nelson: Smell ya later, dork.

/ / /

Nelson: I can't take any more learning. Each time I learn a state capital I forget a cuss word.

Nelson: Let's ditch and get the huck to Trenton!

Nelson: Wait, that's not right...

Dolph: I can't - I'm in the Betsy Ross These Colors Do Run 5K today. I'm heavily favored for fourth place!

Nelson: I understood very little of that sentence. What about you, Simpson?

Bart: I've waited my entire life for this.

Dolph: You're asking him? He doesn't even slouch properly!

Nelson: Whatever. Have fun not earning a medal, Starbeam.

/ / /

Bart: Guys, wan to see my new skateboard trick? I call it the Roundhouse Bartwheel.

Jimbo: Who wants to watch Simpson break his neck?

Kearney: I'm hoping. I'm hoping for carnage.

Dolph: I'm hoping for embarassment. Bones heal but emotional damage lasts forever.

/ / /

Nelson: Nice moves, Simpson, but Dolph is already our gang's daredevil.

Dolph: That's right. I turn on my cell phone like ten minutes before the plane lands.

Bart: But I'm cool! Just give me a chance to prove it.

Dolph: Fine. Come trash the Kwik-E-Mart with me and we'll see who causes the most mayhem.

Bart: Or we could see who can write the most strongly worded comment card for the Kwik-E-Mart's suggestion box?

Nelson: Haw Haw. Chicken!

Bart: I'm not a chicken! I'm just saying I know some harsh action words.

/ / /

Nelson: You really outdid yourself, Dolph. The colors, the shading, the depth of your trash job really shows.

Nelson: But I think Simpson's graffiti's got you beat. He put the art in Simpson.

Bart: Thanks guys, I was going for a small man's view of a larger, uncaring world. With butts.

Dolph: What? No damaged merchandise, no broken displays, no stolen goods. Is this even a misdemeanor?

Dolph: Forget you guys - I'm out of here!

/ / /

Dolph: Bart Simpson thinks he's so cool with his skateboard and 90's catchphrases.

Dolph: I can have a catchphrase too! Like..."slam it down, Liberace!" Ok, maybe not that one.

Dolph: I'll show the gang what a wuss Bart is once and for all.

/ / /

Dolph: Hey, Bart.

Bart: Hey Dolph. Come back for another art lesson?

Dolph: Just wanted to let you know that the guys are starting to think you're lame. And stupid. And have a fat head.

Dolph: But maybe you could change their minds if you did something awesome, like trash the kitchen at Luigi's.

Bart: Wow, that's really specific. But sure, thanks for the advice, Dolph.

Dolph: Heh, no problem.

/ / /

Luigi: Mamma-mia! My spaghet, it's a-ruined!

/ / /

Fat Tony: Ah, the perfect evening to indulge in my two favorite Italian traditions - pasta and extortion.

Fat Tony: Luigi, tell me, how is business?

Fat Tony: By which I mean, I'm here to collect my "consultation fee", "protection tariff", and "defensive tax".

Fat Tony: You know, you'd save more money if you bundled.

Luigi: It's no good. Someone trashed my kitchen. All my horse meat, she is ruined.

Fat Tony: Hmm. Nobody threatens local businesses except for me. And in your case maybe the health inspector.

/ / /

Fat Tony: You're right, Luigi. The food is worse than usual even.

Fat Tony: I'll ask around in the community and find out who sabotaged your kitchen.

Fat Tony: And then I will make them suffer...just as I had to suffer by eating here tonight.

/ / /

Fat Tony: My sources point to a gang of schoolyard bullies. Looks like they just graduated to the big leagues.

Fat Tony: Legs, Louie, I want you to find these kids and give them a lesson in economics. Make sure it doesn't go over their heads.

Legs: Finally some acknowledgment for my Masters in Fiscal Studies. All those night school classes.

Louie: I think he just wants us to shake 'em down, Legs. But we're all still proud of you.

/ / /

Nelson: Hey Simpson! A couple of mobsters just shook us down for our shake-down money. You know how much I hate irony.

Jimbo: They said you trashed Luigi's. And I was only two stamps away from a free chicken parm!

Bart: It was Dolph's Idea!

Nelson: If Dolph told you to jump off a bridge would you do it? Get him, Jimbo and toss him off a bridge!

/ / /

Bart: Man, I don't know what's worse, running from the mob or the bullies. Well, the mob obviously. What am I going to do?

/ / /

Dolph: Hey Bart, hold up a sec.

Bart: What do you want me to do this time, Dolph?

Bart: Steal the head of Jebediah Springfield, become a national enemy of Australia, sell my soul?

Bart: Well, you can't because I already did those.

Doph: Look, I set you up at Luigi's but I thought the mob would just rough you up a bit, maybe cut off a few fingers.

Dolph: But they're after all of our fingers! And just when Kearney's hand modeling career was taking off.

Bart: This is bad. Why didn't anyone ever try to warn me that there could be repercussions for my bad behaviour?

Dolph: Don't worry -- I've got an idea! Let's get some of those honor roll dweebs to think of an idea for us!

/ / /

Lisa: Martin and I don't like being forced into solving your problems.

Lisa: But we do like solving problems so we came up with a plan anyway.

Martin: To rectify the situation, we musts incorporate a method of rapid profit generation to replace lost revenue for the establishment in question.

Dolph: I want to hit you but I don't understand why.

Lisa: Bart hurt Fat Tony's profits, so we make it up to him by drumming up lots of business for Luigi's.

Bart: Way to go, sis! You've done it again.

Lisa: You know, for most sisters, rescuing their brother from the mob would be out of the ordinary.

/ / /

Lisa: To do list time! Step one - make a to do list. Check. Step two - tell Bart and Dolph about to do list. Check.

Lisa: Step three - Dolph, you distract the gang from finding Bart. Step four - Bart, you make things right with Fat Tony.

Bart: Can't I just start my own civilization down in the sewers?

Lisa: No Bart! Tell him our plan. When he sees how it will benefit Luigi, he's sure to let you off the hook.

Bart: Okay. And then I go live in the sewers?

Lisa: Just go!

/ / /

Dolph: Okay, Poindexter, one more time, explain to me how this is all supposed to work.

Martin: It's quite simple.

Martin: Using elementary perceptive and emotional cues, we establish subliminal suggestions to Springfield's recreational population.

Bart: Lisa? Translation?

Lisa: You and Dolph will use advertising and publicity stunts to get people to eat at Luigi's.

Martin: My rhetoric was clearly miscommunicated if it's implications weren't identical to that.

Bart: Lisa?

Lisa: That's what he was trying to say.

/ / /

Lisa: Martin, look! It's working! People are going to Luigi's!

Martin: Of course it's working. Another classic example of psychologically induced herd mentality!

Lisa: It's amazing how advertising works on people. It's just like pushing a button...20 times on a screen.

/ / /

Bart: Hey guys, I saved the day! I guess this makes us even, right? Why are you making a fist, Nelson?

Nelson: *gut punch*

Bart: Ooffff!

Nelson: There. Now we're even. Come on, let's get out of here before he thinks he's one of us again.

Dolph: Later, Bart.

/ / /

Bart: Milhouse, you look different. New inhaler? New medicated scalp shampoo? New spine shaper?

Milhouse: This is what I look like when I'm happy.

Bart: What do you have to be happy about? You're Milhouse.

Milhouse: Exactly! And today is Milhouse Day!

Milhouse: It's a holiday I just invented, and it occurs every day!

Milhouse: No parents, no homework, and no ear medicine -- just all the candy we can eat! This will go down in history!

Bart: That's a tall order considering our video-game-shortened attention spans...Oh hey Milhouse, you look different.

/ / /

Marge: I'd hate to seem "un-cool" or "un-hip" or "without wiggy" but...

Marge: I've noticed a lot of children happily wandering around without the judgmental eye of a parent questioning all of their choices.

Lovejoy: Look Marge, when you asked to help with the Church's bake sake, I expressly forbade meddling.

Marge: Mmmmm...

Lovejoy: And grumbling.

Lovejoy: Alright fine, as a favor to God, what is your concern?

Marge: It's Milhouse. I'm starting to think that he's a bad influence on Bart.

Lovejoy: Right, and Jesus was a bad influence on Judas.

Lovejoy: Instead of talking to THE father, why not talk to HIS father? My wife tells me he's in the doghouse again at the Bachelor Arms.

/ / /

Milhouse: Dad! You're back! Just when I thought I would have to go through puberty without male guidance.

Milhouse: Luckily, I'm a late bloomer.

Kirk: All the Van Houtens are late bloomers. It's actually our family crest.

Kirk: My head hurts. The last thing I remember was arguing with your mother.

Kirk: Then I woke up in my old bachelor pad, locked in the trunk of my racecar bed.

Kirk: Is this Springfield? What happened here?

Milhouse: That's a long story, but I can tell you all about it!

Kirk: How about over dinner? Good ol' dad's gonna treat you to the finest restaurant in town! Let me check the change purse...

Kirk: On second thought, how about the finest restaurant most recently shut down by the health department?

/ / /

Milhouse: Thanks, Dad - that was fun! Maybe we should make it into a weekly thing?

Kirk: Let's not get our hopes up son. I am Kirk Van Houten after all - I may not always be rolling in so much spare change.

Kirk: But it's a new Springfield and a new me! From now on, when I cry in the shower, it will be standing up!

/ / /

Marge: Kirk, I'm glad you're back. Milhouse has been a real bad influence on Bart lately.

Kirk: Milhouse is now the bad kid! My kid is really moving up in the world. Usually it's Bart who needs to be reined in.

Marge: You've been gone for 36 levels and you have the gall to give me parenting advice?

Kirk: 36 levels? How many characters did they have to go through to get me? Did they even have names?

Marge: I thought you knew. I'm really sorry to be breaking the fourth wall like this. Frankly, it's cheap storytelling.

Kirk: Cheap storytelling is all I deserve.

Kirk: No, I'm the new Kirk and I'm not going to let this get to me.

Kirk: I'm fine with level 36. 36 was a good year -- I had most of my hair at 36.

Marge: You're actually level 37...

Kirk: I lost all of my hair at 37! They built an amusement park before bringing me back! Can you believe that, kid?

Ralph: I think I followed the wrong blue haired fat man home from the grocery store...

/ / /

Kirk: There are just no job opportunities for a salt of the earth unsalted cracker man like myself.

Milhouse: Maybe you should try something new?

Kirk: Wafers? Biscuits? Tortillas? Biscotti?

Milhouse: Maybe you need to think a little bit more outside the box.

Kirk: But I already lost the company millions with Crackers in a Bag.

Milhouse: Why don't you go out and look for something new? I'm sure you'll be bringing home the bacon in no time.

Kirk: Bacon? Not on my budget.

/ / /

Kirk: What am I doing? I was given a fresh start and already I'm eating expired and partially thawed hot dogs.

Kirk: Luann will never take me back if I don't turn myself around and get a job.

Marge: Maybe you should talk to Reverend Lovejoy.

Kirk: Because he always offers sage advice to those in need?

Marge: No, he's just a bit friendlier to people showing up at his doorstep uninvited.

/ / /

Kirk: Reverend, I'm here because I have nowhere else to go.

Lovejoy: I understand. Desperation is the number one reason why people turn to religion.

Kirk: Great, I'd like some money please.

Lovejoy: You can't just ask for money.

Kirk: Isn't that the point of the collection plate?

Lovejoy: *sigh* If I get you a job interview, will you promise to leave and never to come back?

Kirk: At least the first part!

/ / /

Willie: You want to learn the ancient art of groundskeeping, do ye? Well, it's going to be a long road filled with arduous trials.

Willie: Why I bet you don't know the first thing about being a groundskeeper?

Kirk: If someone vomits, clean it up.

Willie: You're a natural. Like a young me, only sadder. And fatter. And older.

Willie: Now hold open this trash bag while a student volunteer shovels in pig guts.

Willie: Add some chopped onion and you'll have a mean haggis.

Nelson: Haha! Milhouse's dad has a job!

/ / /

Milhouse: You're the school janitor?

Milhouse: Couldn't you find an embarassing soul-crushing job somewhere where everyone I know WOULDN'T see you?

Kirk: Actually, it's an upaid internship. But I get to take home the uneaten taco shells every Taco Tuesday!

Milhouse: But if you're not getting paid, why even take the job?

Kirk: Because life is like a marriage...you just have to keep plugging away at it no matter how awful it is.

Kirk: Besides, do you think a success story like Kent Brockman gets paid just to lie around all day?

/ / /

Kirk: Well that certainly showed me. I really wish I could have it that easy.

Milhouse: Why can't you?

Kirk: There's just nothing like that on my list of jobs.

/ / /

Kirk: Uh hey Principal Skinner. All these cleaning supplies are giving me a rash, and my health insurance turned out to be just a band-air and a tic-tac.

Skinner: How much are we paying you?

Kirk: Nothing.

Skinner: Oh no, we can't afford that. You're fired, immediately.

Kirk: Oh no, another failure. What am I going to do?

Lisa: Mr. Van Houten, perhaps I can be of some help.

Kirk: Marry Milhouse and give me one less mouth to feed?

Lisa: Not in a thousand years. But there's a job opening at the Springfield Library.

Kirk: What is it? CEO? CFO? Head Librarian?

/ / /

Wiggum: Alright, vagrant. I'm placing you under arrest for loitering without a laptop or half-finished screenplay.

Kirk: But I'm not a vagrant or a hack writer! I work here!

Wiggum: A likely story! And a pretty good one. Good enough that it belongs in MY half-finished screenplay "All Hail the Chief: A Wiggum Adventure."

Wiggum: Lou, bring him in for questioning about his backstory.

/ / /

Fat Tony: Mr. Van Houten! Before you return to your life of drudgery, perhas you and I could come to some sort of favorable agreement.

Fat Tony: I happen to have a legitimate job that needs doing, but all my employees are only trained in illegitimate jobs.

Fat Tony: You see, an associate of mine has built some new condos, and it would please him greatly if someone were to help him in the sales department.

Kirk: Like a real-estate agent?

Fat Tony: I suppose you could look at it that way; but no, in reality not so much.

Fat Tony: Perhaps I could say you have no choice in the matter. That it's either this or you sleep with the fishes.

Kirk: That's a choice.

Fat Tony: I can see why your wife divorced you.

Kirk: That was a low blow. Lucky for you, I respond well to being belittled. You've got yourself an employee.

/ / /

Cletus: Hot dog! That's some top notch standin'. You interested in graduatin' up to the big leagues?

Kirk: I'll do anything to get out of being a human sign! What do you need?

Cletus: A human scarecrow. Them crows can smell failure a mile away.

Kirk: A job where's failure's a requirement? Everything's coming up Kirk!

Cletus: You'll have to provide your own tattered clothes...but I sees you got those already.

/ / /

Milhouse: Dad, I haven't seen you in ages. Is it because you found a job?

Kirk: I didn't just find one job, I found several. Why work one job with benefits when you can work lots of jobs without any at all?

Kirk: It's the new American dream!

Milhouse: Great, want to go eat out at a restaurant to celebrate?

Kirk: Even better idea. How about I go work at a restaurant to celebrate?

/ / /

Kirk: You're firing me?

Greasy Teenager: I'm sorry Mr. Van Houten. Things just aren't working out.

Kirk: The company rulebook says nothing prohibiting bathing in the sink. You'll be hearing from my lawyer! Also do you know any cheap lawyers?

/ / /

Kirk: Milhouse, would it be too scarring for you if you rocked your old man to sleep in your arms, stroking his hair, telling him it's all going to work out?

Milhouse: You lost your job again, didn't you?

Kirk: Kids are just too perceptive these days.

Milhouse: Don't worry -- I've got it covered! You know how all these years, you've told me that being friends with Bart was a waste of time?

Milhouse: Well, not any more! His dad is desperate to hire someone!

Kirk: What kind of job could Homer possibly be hiring for?

Milhouse: I don't know -- but he said it's in the game industry.

/ / /

Homer: Just keep doing the shortest jobs possible over and over again.

Homer: That's the best way for me to get gold in this Happy Little Elves game.

Kirk: Can't you just buy some Elf Berries?

Homer: I don't pay you to think. I pay you to tap!

/ / /

Homer: That was a great first day, Kirk.

Homer: Now it's time for you to work your first night. And then the next day, and then the next night, and...

Kirk: But Homer, I need to sleep.

Homer: Fine, you can sleep after that. But I'm docking all this sleeping time you're taking from your salary.

/ / /

Homer: Great work, Milhouse's Dad! Now I believe your cut was ten percent of the gold you farmed for me...

Kirk: What?! You're going to pay me in-game currency?! What good is that going to do me?!

Homer: Maybe you haven't noticed, but it's all in-game currency around here. No one says "dollars" anymore.

Kirk: Well, at least give me some premium currency then!

Homer: Donuts? Fat chance, fatso!

Kirk: I'm not the fatso -- you're the fatso!

Homer: I believe you mean, "you're the fatso,boss."

Homer: Here, I'll pay you with this thing I found in the basement. It's been around for years and no one wants it. Just like you.

Kirk: Wow, that was really mean.

Homer: I know. I felt bad as soon as I said it, sorry. I think I'm just depressed because your life is so sucky.

/ / /

Kirk: I bet I can pawn this cow off at the comic book shop. He collects all sort of weird stuff.

Comic Book Guy: Ah, the golden statue from the discontinued dance show Twerkcules and the Golden Calf.

Comic Book Guy: Unfortunately, this is a fake. Therefore, I will give you nothing for it.

Kirk: Nothing? I was hoping for a little more than that!

Comic Book Guy: Fine, I will pay you something, but only if you stand around in the shop.

Comic Book Guy: Your presence makes my customers feel better about their own lives by comparison.

/ / /

Kirk: You know Milhouse, things are really looking up. Today I got a job based solely off my looks. Now I know how models feel.

Milhouse: Sounds like people are finally appreciating you. Maybe now we can throw out all your vision boards?

/ / /

Milhouse: I guess you're just about ready to nail a job as a big time manager, huh dad?

Kirk: Yeah, about that...it doesn't seem like getting work experience is all that helpful in actually getting work.

Kirk: These jobs are all dead ends.

Kirk: What I need is time to network in all those crack factory social circle, maybe graduate up to the glitzy world of graham crackers.

Milhouse: But who's going to pay you to take time off and noodle around, looking for your dream job?

Kirk: The government!

/ / /

Kirk: Wow, a check for doing nothing! Finally the government is good for something other than just building roads and hospitals.

/ / /

Milhouse: Dad, when I grow up I'm going to be unemployed. Just like you!

Kirk: My son wants to follow in my footsteps. I am so proud.

Kirk: This is cause for a celebration! The Van Houtens are going to dine on the best food an unemployed check will allow!

/ / /

Milhouse: You know, with you not working all the time, it's been nice to actually spend some time together.

Kirk: Without a job to get in the way, I see now that the most important thing in life is family.

Kirk: And government-provided unemployment benefits. Yeah, mostly that.

/ / /

Wiggum: You said it was an emergency, sir? I ran all the way here. At least until I passed out and an ambulance took me the rest of the way.

Quimby: I, er, need you to take care of someone for me, Wiggum.

Wiggum: Don't you usually go to the mob when you need someone to be taken care of?

Quimby: Not that kind of taken care of! I just need you to sweep something under the rug.

Wiggum: Don't you usually go to the janitor when you need something swept under the rug?

Quimby: No, you idiot! A copy of the town's financial records went missing and now someone is blogging about them.

Quimby: Since this is time-sensitive and your skills as a detective leave ah...much to be desired, I'll let you use my copy of NSA's new "Super Snooper" software.

Wiggum: Sure thing Mayor, I'll get right on it!

/ / /

Wiggum: This spying software is great! It's like a video game except everything is in real time and I can't use donuts to speed it up.

Wiggum: ...

Wiggum: Do something, you boring productive members of society!

Wiggum: ...

Wiggum: That's it, you have three seconds to do something interesting or I'll shoot!

Wiggum: Three!

Wiggum: Two!

Wiggum: *BANG*

Wiggum: Oops, I fire early. Also, I shouldn't have fired at all.

/ / /

Wiggum: Lou, is shooting a computer under warranty?

Lou: We don't have any warranties. You told me to use that money to buy police cut-off shorts.

Wiggum: And you've never looked better, Lou.

Eddie: If you need to use a computer, why don't you head down to the Java Server? They have free Wi-Fi, as well as free refills, freeloaders, and Free Tibet merchandise.

Wiggum: Great idea, Eddie. When Christmas bonus time comes around, expect an extra pair of cut-offs.

/ / /

Wiggum: All-you-can-drink pumpkin spice lattes? I should have shot my computer sooner!

Wiggum: Wait a minute, Super Snooper says that a blogger's been posting from this very cafe

Wiggum: Time to get up and do some good old-fashioned detective work. Eh, I'll just scoot my chair over.

/ / /

Comic Book Guy: Finally, I've found a form of activism that doesn't require participating in 5K's - blogging!

Comic Book Guy: And all this publishing of Springfield's shameful misuse of public funds has actually made me lose a little finger weight. I can't wait to buy new gloves!

Comic Book Guy: Now time to become my sexy Guy Fawkes alter ego and tear down the government. What scandal should I scan in today?

Comic Book Guy: How about the Mayor's private jet with the name "Mayor Force Fun".

Comic Book Guy: Two puns in one name?! Shameless!

/ / /

Wiggum: Freeze, fatty!

Comic Book Guy: You can't arrest me if you can't catch me.

Wiggum: But you didn't go anywhere...

Comic Book Guy: You and I both know how embarassing that chase would be.

/ / /

Wiggum: Alright, whistleblower. You're under arrest for theft of government property, espionage, and murder.

Wiggum: But if you confess to the first two, we'll drop the murder charge.

Comic Book Guy: I own all the Law and Order action figures, so I know I have the right to a fair and speedy trial with a jury of my peers.

Wiggum: "Fair and speedy trial?" There's no way that's a thing. "Speedy" is a funny made-up word, not a law word.

Lou: Actually Chief, it's right here in the rulebook. We got to give him a trial.

Wiggum: You don't way! Huh, I've got a lot of families to apologize to.

/ / /

Wiggum: I'm here to make ou a deal. Instead of going to court, you give my son your first edition Radioactive Man comic and we'll wipe this whole business under the rug.

Ralph: Paper tastes better when it has super heroes on it.

Comic Book Guy: I'd rather go on a hunger strike...and that means something coming from a man my size!

Comic Book Guy: Speaking of hunger, it's been an hour since I last ate. Can I have a Krusty burger?

Wiggum: Krusty burgers are for law abiding citizens. And due to a recent sponsorship, last meal recipients.

Comic Book Guy: Then take me to the courthouse! At least they have a cafeteria.

/ / /

Snyder: Mr. Jefferey Albertson. How do you plead to the charges put before this court?

Comic Book Guy: Not guilty!

Snyder: Of course you do. Everyone does. Why do I even bother asking. I think I might be bad at my job.

/ / /

Snyder: Thanks to the budget cuts and my waning attention span, we go straight from plea to verdict. And the court finds the defendant NOT GUILTY.

Snyder: Sorry, slip of the tongue, I mean GUILTY. Man, I really am bad at my job.

Snyder: The mandatory punishment for this crime is SHAME! I sentence you to a week confined to a pillory in ront of town hall.

Comic Book Guy: But I belittle kids for a living. Kids with free afternoons and access to overly ripe tomatoes!

Snyder: Due to your girth and wrist size, we'll have to order a new extra large pillory from "Take a Chill Pill-ory."

Snyder: Unfortunately, because of our over strained budgets, and the fact that such a store has never existed in the show, we don't currently have such a store.

Snyder: So you're free to go.

Comic Book Guy: The irony. The same bureaucracy I was fighting to stop, saved me from humiliation and embarrassment. Thank you, misappropriated funds!

Snyder: On an unrelated note, the courthouse cafeteria is closed until further notice.

Comic Book Guy: Worst...Victory...Ever...

/ / /

Brockman: My ratings are in a slump, and the network is threatening to replace me with one of the members of the Blue Man Group. I'm not sure which one, but nobody is.

Lisa: Why don't you follow in the footsteps of Edward R. Murrow and Walter Cronkite and uphold the highest standard of journalism?

Brockman: Little girl, you've given me a great idea. I should tell my security to not let little girls into the building.

Brockman: I've got to get back to my roots - special interest pieces on the diverse and welcoming community that is Springfield.

Brockman: Now time to find some nut jub whose depressing tale I can peddle for profits.

/ / /

Brockman: It seems someone forgot to sign out of this computer. But as a professional journalist, I'm above digging through someone's dirty laundry.

Brockman: Note to self: return Monty Burns' dirty laundry before he grows suspicious.

Brockman: Well, one click won't hurt!...AHHH! So many exotic photos of Chief Wiggum! Eew, the apple in his mouth was a poor choice.

Brockman: Wait, what's this Super Snooper thing? *Gasp* Wiggum has been spying on the whole town.

/ / /

Brockman: This "spy" story could finally make me important enough to have a Wikipedia page that I didn't write. Or better yet, it could be used to spy me up an even better story!

Brockman: That'll keep that blue man where he belongs - Vegas! And sometimes on tour!

/ / /

Brockman: My job is saved thanks to all this government sanctioned dirt. Time for a tough choice.

Brockman: Take the boring stupid high road and report on Chief Wiggum spying.

Brockman: OR take the totally awesome low road full of winners and report on gossip.

/ / /

Brockman: I'm happy to report tonight's edition of "Eye on Springfield" won its time slot, beating out both tone bars and OFF.

Brockman: And now the actual news of the world will be scrolled on screen faster than the human eye can read.

/ / /

Ned: By the pitchforks and torch-o-reenos, I'm guessing there's an angry mob forming.

Marge: I'm so furious at Brockman for spilling all our secrets, I almost can't cook this ham.

Marge: Oh who am I kidding, I can cook a ham anywhere, anytime.

Ned: And I feel so ashamed that everyone knows that I'm not left handed. I'm ambidextrous...with a preference for my left. *sob*

Ned: Well, I suppose mob justice is the good book's preferred form of justice. Hand me that baseball bat.

Old Man: Finally! I knew I got a knife installed in this cane for a reason.

Moe: BURN DOWN THE NEWS STATION!

Marge: No! If we riot, think of all that extra news Brockman will get to report. We've got to handle this in a way no one will care about - a peaceful protest!

/ / /

Marge: Shame on you, Brockman. Think of the children. And all their terrible secrets you uncovered.

Marge: Now that I say it aloud, shouldn't we be alarmed that all of our children have terrible secrets?

Brockman: But no one was watching my show. You had backed me into a wall with your lack of interest and my poor performance.

Brockman: What other choice did I have? My numbers were down! My only sponsors were Consolidate Lint and political ads for inmate elections.

Brockman: So I used Police Chief Wiggum's snooping software to find gossip.

Marge: Wiggum was spying on the town?

Beared Old Man: We have a police chief?

Moe: Can we please riot now?

Marge: You know what? I'm going to not say no.

/ / /

Wiggum: Quimby! Help! Brockman told the town about the Super Snooper. And they're trying to break down the door! Luckily it's made of reinforced steel.

Quimby: No its not. I misappropriated those funds for the "Council to Get Miss Springfield Jewelry" which I had to form that time I forgot her birthday.

Wiggum: But the whole town's out for MY blood! We're on the cusp of a revolution!

Quimby: Just yours? Not mine? Well, that's okay then. Call if you have a real emergency.

/ / /

Wiggum: Mayor Quimby, I look like a pig and I squeal like a pig. If I go down, I'm taking you with me.

Quimby: Twenty years of salary cuts and this is how you repay me?

Quimby: Fine! I'll win them back just like I do every year with a confusing speech, a winning smile, and counting dead people as voters.

/ / /

Quimby: Listen up everyone. I am sure there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for the entire sequence of events that has lead up to this point.

Moe: Oh yeah? What's that then?!

Quimby: I have no idea. Which is why I'm forming a non-partisan committee to look into this.

Quimby: It will be composed of cheerleaders from professional sports teams, and will meet at sea on my government-purchased yacht.

Sea Captain: Yar, finally a government body I can stand behind.

/ / /

Lisa: No, don't listen to him. He's trying to distract us!

Quimby: Oh no, a precocious little girl. Every politician's worst nightmare.

Quimby: Vote Quimby!

/ / /

Moe: Time to roast this pig at the stake! Any last words, Wiggum?

Wiggum: I had a statement prepared, but I left the note cards in my police cut-offs.

Lisa: Stop! We can't stoop to his level and break the law ourselves. We should challenge Wiggum's heinous trespasses in court!

Moe: Aw, nobody will let me use my pig-roasting spit - not the building association, not the health department, and now not even an angry mob.

/ / /

Snyder: Now why did you all pull me out of my chambers? I was in the middle of a very important nap.

Lisa: Chief Wiggum has publicly admitted to spying on the people of Springfield using a piece of dubious, government developed software.

Snyder: And...?

Lisa: Well, it's immoral, unethical, and unconscionable.

Snyder: None of those words are illegal. I'm not here to decide what's right or wrong.

Lisa: That's exactly what you're supposed to do.

Snyder: Man, maybe I'm not cut out for this. And maybe I should stop doubting myself aloud while in the midst of a case.

Snyder: Either way, NOT GUILTY!

Snyder: Now if you excuse me, I've got some soul searching to do...

/ / /

Snyder: You know, I signed up to be a judge because of the breezy uniform but who knew it would be so much work?

Snyder: I should go on one of those traveling staycations I've been hearing so much about.

Snyder: Where should I go? Why, Arizona? Or Why not, Mississippi?

Snake: Yo, let me know when you're going. I can keep an eye on your house, maybe even watch your dog for you.

Snake: Unless you don't have a dog which will make the robbing all the easier.

Snyder: On second thought, maybe I should take one of those at-home vacations I've been hearing so much about.

/ / /

Snyder: Ah, nature - can anything compare to your beauty? Well, maybe photographs of nature. And nature documentaries.

Snyder: This lovely pond reminds why I moved to Springfield in the first place - lax building codes.

/ / /

Snyder: That vacation reminded me that I'm so much more than just a judge that passes down verdicts, I'm also a man that passes down verdicts.

Snyder: Time to start living my dreams.

Snyder: Starting with my long-time but never-before-mentioned dream of becoming an actor.

Snyder: Krusty is holding auditions for Moses in a straight-to-cell-phone production of "Exodus".

Snyder: I did have a short lived TV show called "Naked Court." At least they told me it was a TV show...

/ / /

Krusty: Hey hey hey! Judge Snyder! I admit I was drunk but Mr. Teeny was behind the wheel - I swear!

Snyder: Actually I'm looking to branch from the under-appreciated world of justice to the over-appreciated world of acting. I'm auditioning for the role of Moses.

Krusty: Wonderful! But you'll never get it like that. Justice might be blind but the public isn't. And you're a little too...

Snyder: ...rotund?

Krusty: No, that's not the word I'm looking for. Hefty? Heavy-Set? I got it - morbidly obese!

Snyder: I feel we could have stopped at rotund.

/ / /

Krusty: Judge Snyder! This time both Mr. Teeny and I were drunk but I don't think a crop duster is considered a vehicle.

Snyder: No Krusty, I'm still here for the audtion. I've lost 30 pounds. Plus I donated my robe to be turned into a 6-person tent.

Snyder: So are you ready to part the Red Sea for me?

Krusty: What? Oh yeah, Moses. Well, no one is going to see this film anyway. You've got yourself a deal.

/ / /

Dolph: Stealing from the Kwik-E-Mart isn't as easy as it used to be. They now have electronic tags on the electronic tags.

Nelson: It might be years and years of stealing, but Apu just doesn't trust us like he used to.

Dolph: Wasn't there another clerk at the Kwik-E-Mart? Kind of a younger, hipper, nicer, richer, more handsome version of Apu?

Apu: I'm standing right here!

Nelson: I remember him! Sanjay! He used to offer a Kwik-E-Mart delivery service for single mothers.

Dolph: I think that was only your mom...

/ / /

Apu: Is that you, Sanjay? Please Ganesh! I thought I'd never see your handsome face again!

Sanjay: Oh Apu! My dear brother...

Apu: You know Sanjay, you're nearly two years overdue for your shift at the Kwik-E-Mart.

Sanjay: I've only just arrived. Come have drink with me to celebrate my reincarnation!

Apu: One drink. I'd make it two if you'd reincarnated into something more impressive - like a cow.

/ / /

Apu: What an amazing 45 seconds! Now I need to get back to the Kwik-Mart.

Apu: Since I can't lock up the place, I have to leave a cardboard cut-out of me in charge.

Apu: And that cardboard cut-out gives way too many discounts for dented cans. It's ruining my business!

/ / /

Sanjay: Apu, you can't keep running the Kwik-E-Mart all by yourself without any help.

Apu: The octuplets were a great help until they unionized.

Apu: I've thought about hiring an employee, but could not imagine one of the local buffoons running the place.

Homer: Help! Someone! Anyone! A racoon ran away with my belt and I can't chase it because my pants keep falling down!

Apu: *sigh*

Sanjay: While they might be idiots, they do seem to have perfect timing when you want to emphasize a point.

Apu: There is, however, one person I could trust to work for me.

/ / /

Sanjay: Alright Apu. I'll accept your less than generous offer of employment...only in exchange for working a reasonable schedule.

Apu: You have my word Sanjay, I will do my best to keep all your shifts under 12 hours in length.

/ / /

Sanjay: All work and no play makes Sanjay a dull boy. All work and no play makes Sanjay a dull boy.

Sanjay: Aughh! Aisle four is a river of blood!

Sanjay: Oh wait, it's just cherry flavored Squishee. The machine must be broken again. This job is really driving crazy.

Mole Man: Help me! I can't swim AND I have type II diabetes.

Sanjay: I'm sorry, sir. But company policy clearly states that you must purchase something before I can save your life.

/ / /

Sanjay: One day of work and I already hate my job.

Homer: Tell me about it. I skipped work today and it's still all I hear about.

Homer: Nuclear meltdown on the radio, on the TV, from a guy in a hazmat suit in my living room. Yeesh.

Sanjay: Apu promised it would be different this time, but the only thing different is that it is a little worse.

Homer: This is America, Sanjay. Employers lie to employers, and employees take their revenge by getting drunk.

Homer: And by sometimes giving their friends free hot dogs.

/ / /

Apu: *GASP* My store is without a clerk! Not even a cardboard one!

Apu: Oh I cannot believe it! A mere 16 hours into his first 12 hour shift and Sanjay is already slacking off!

Apu: Doesn't he realize that the American Dream applies to business owners, not their employees?

Apu: Just wait until I find you, Sanjay! You'll get a talking-to that will sting for a lifetime, and two more lifetimes after that.

Apu: But where could he be? I'll check his usual haunts- the Kwik-E-Mart and India.

Apu: I really don't know my brother very well.

/ / /

Apu: There you are Sanjay! I've finally found you, you lazy goat of a man!

Homer: Well since I had absolutely *hic* nothing to do with this, I must be going.

Apu: How dare you leave my store unattended! The magazines have all become read, and the "take a penny leave a penny" jar is practically empty!

Apu: This is as irresponsible as that time you ran off to become a sitar player

Sanjay: I was the second best sitar player in the world! It just turns out that the world needed only ONE sitar player.

Apu: Well maybe I should offer the Kwik-E-Mart job to Ravi Shankar.

Sanjay: Joke's on you, he's dead! Not to mention he was a known pickpocket.

/ / /

Sanjay: I'm about to say something a Nahasapeemapetilon has never said - I quit!

Apu: I'm about to say something a Nahasapeemapetilon has said many times - you're fired!

Apu: Turn in your keys, your gun, and your "Employee of the Month" mug.

Sanjay: What are you going to do with that?

Apu: Probably get up on the roof and shoot at looters.

Sanjay: No, I meant the mug.

Apu: Target practice for shooting looters.

Sanjay: That's how you treat the best employee you've ever had?

Apu: Oh, I would never be that mean to the cardboard cut-out.

Sanjay: Your heart is as cold as your defective Red Hots. I have no brother.

Apu: Then I will say goodbye to you as coldly as I do my customers...

Apu: Thank you, come again!

/ / /

Sanjay: As the ancient saying goes: "Please buy more ancient sayingcards for more ancient sayings."

Sanjay: Argh! I hate the Kwik-E-Mart. Apu has cheated me out of decent pay, reasonable hours, and now pre-packaged spirituality!

Sanjay: At least I still have my dignity, which I can party away on my own time.

/ / /

Bart: What's wrong Sanjay? Are you being attacked by bees?

Sanjay: No, I'm dancing!

Bart: I feel like those moves would look better if a thousand other Indians were doing them simultaneously.

Sanjay: A thousand dancers? I wish! But this is my life, not the set of an ultra-low budget Bollywood film. I dance to express myself.

Sanjay: How do you express yourself?

Sanjay: Paint a picture? Practice the ancient art of origami towel folding?

Bart: Mostly I just cause millions of dollars worth of property damage...

/ / /

Sanjay: This is the new me! I'm seizing the now! Doing things I've always wanted to do.

Sanjay: For example, I've always wanted to ride a skateboard.

Bart: No such luck, dude. This skateboard's mine. See, my name is written on it.

Bart: Mart Crimpton? I learned nothing at Krusty's Kalligraphy Kamp.

Sanjay: I've also always wanted to steal from a child.

Bart: Alright alright, you can borrow it.

Sanjay: I'm sure the Gods will someday reward your kindness.

Bart: I would prefer they reward me right now. With cash. From your wallet.

Sanjay: Got to go!

/ / /

Sanjay: What fun!

Sanjay: It's like driving! Only one tenth the speed and twelve times the effort.

/ / /

Apu: I thought I had finally found someone to help run the Kwik-E-Mart, but it turns out I can't even rely on my own family.

Homer: Preaching to the choir.

Homer: Maggine never shares her bottle. Marge refuses to let me eat in bed. And Liza is always claiming that I'm forgetting her name.

Apu: You mean Lisa?

Homer: Don't get me started on Lisa. With her crazy ideas abobut global warming and her refusal to eat meat.

Apu: I, too, am a vegetarian.

Homer: Hahaha. No meat. Hahaha...

Homer: Thank you, Apu. It's good to laugh again.

Homer: You really solved my problem.

Apu: But we were talking about my problem! Ugh, never mind.

/ / /

Burns: Smithers!! Start cranking the automobile. We're headed out on the town for a day of high-jinks, tomfoolery, and time permitting

Smithers: Of course, Mr. Burns. Shall I pack the picnic basket and your promenading pants?

Burns: There will be no promenading where we're going: the local Kwik-E-Mart.

Smithers: But that's where the common man shops, sir. Men who didn't meet Teddy Roosevelt.

Burns: I didn't just meet him, I tried to kill him and stuff him!

Burns: Now do as I say or I'll stuff you too!

Smithers: Yes, sir!

Burns: And don't forget that coupon insert - no sense wasting pennies, especially while I'm saving up for that penny wasting machine.

Smithers: These discounts do seem too good to be true. Perhaps I'll even pick up a few items.

Burns: You shop on your own time.

/ / /

Apu: Mr. Burns sure wiped me out. I can't believe Kwik-E-Mart corporate let such a promotion slide.

Apu: It's like the Buy None Get One Free fiasco all over again.

/ / /

Apu: Now let's just hope that no one else sees that deal. Who am I kidding - no one in Springfield reads the newspaper.

Brockman: This just in - nobody reads about stunning Kwik-E-Mart promotion. Coming up - are your cats TOO cute?

Apu: Why does it sound like an overweight horde is headed my way?

/ / /

Apu: I'd rather face a swarm of locusts than these deal-hu

ngry demons.

Apu: At least the locusts wouldn't try to pay in nickels and socks full of buttons.

Sea Captain: Those buttons be legal tender.

/ / /

Apu: These coupons will be the death of me. I've been forced to sell products at their actual suggested retail price!

Apu: Passing these savings off to my loyal customers feels downright un-American.

/ / /

Apu: Thank you, never come again!

/ / /

Apu: Empty shelves AND an empty cash register. I feel like I've been robbed.

Snake: Hands up - this is a robbery!

Apu: But I have nothing left to give.

Snake: Those are some good-looking pants...

Apu: *ACK!* *HURR!* *ARGH!* AIEEE! *Faint*

/ / /

Apu: So this is what relaxation feels like - my back doesn't hurt, my feet fit in my shoes, my stomach lining has returned.

Hibbert: You're currently staying in our Exhaustion Wing, which is usually occupied by our celebrity patients.

Krusty: I'd like my regular room and an IV please. I'll be here until the bad press from those Nazi Mr. Teeny photos dies down.

Apu: All this for me?

Hibbert: We treated you to the VIP package of exhaustion care, no expense was spared.

Hibbert: Until we realized that your insurance only covers polio braces and Lamaze classes.

Hibbert: At which point every expense was spared...until your brother stepped in and paid all your bills.

Apu: Sanjay?! *gasp* I can't believe he would pay all my bills after I fired him from the Kwik-E-Mart.

Hibbert: Hmmm. disbelief is a common symptom of exhaustion. Let's call up your brother and see if he'll pay for more tests.

Apu: I must make things right with my brother.

/ / /

Apu: Sanjay, I have been a fool and am here to ask for your forgiveness.

Apu: I called you lazy, unreliable, and overweight, and I paid the ultimate price. I was punished by doing that which I love most: work.

Sanjay: You never called me overweight.

Apu: May you also find it in your heart to forgive me for talking behind your back. Your wide, expansive back.

Sanjay: Wouldn't this apology be better with an offer of, oh, I don't know, a job?

Apu: Of course! Please come back to work for me! I'll give you anything.

Sanjay: Anything?

Apu: Except decent pay, reasonable hours, vacation time, or benefits. But you can have all the mop water you want!

Sanjay: I accept! But only because your medical bills bankrupted me and I'm desperate.

/ / /

Sanjay: It is good to be back Apu!

Apu: Do you really mean it?

Sanjay: Not at all.

/ / /

Skinner: Ah, the second grade class is so peaceful and silent. That's the sound of learning.

Lisa: No it isn't! Miss Hoover told us to sit quietly with our heads in our hands and then disappeared.

Lisa: I'm going to write a letter of complaint to the school board!

Skinner: Good idea. Class, everyone write a letter of complaint. That should keep you busy while I go find Miss Hoover.

Ralph: Should we sign our names?

Skinner: Yes, that should keep you busy all day.

/ / /

Lisa: Principal Skinner! You burnt our letters of complaint in your waste paper bin!

Skinner: There's no heat in my office and it's the only way to keep my feet warm.

Skinner: But I found Miss Hoover. She's just taking a little break...

Skinner: Chain-smoking in the ladies room and crying because she'll never get married.

Skinner: Perhaps I can lure her out with a field trip.

Lisa: To someplace educational?

Skinner: To someplace.

/ / /

Hoover: Welcome to our field trip at a commercial fudge establishment, children.

Ralph: Thanks, school mommy!

Lisa: How does this contribute to our education?

Hoover: There's a math lecture by the Ah, Fudge! mascot, Cocoa Beanie.

Cocoa Beanie: Two plus two equals fudge!

Ralph: That's the answer I got too!

/ / /

Cocoa Beanie: Mmm, you're a tasty-looking lady, Miss Hoover.

Hoover: You're pretty smooth yourself, for a talking bean.

Cocoa Beanie: Outside I'm dreamy, inside I'm creamy. How about a private tour, courtesy of C.B.?

Hoover: Well, I have always had a thing for chocolate-toned men.

Hoover: Let me just check on the kids. Is everything okay, Lisa?

Lisa: Ralph fell in the caramel vat. We pulled him out, but he was so sticky that we all got glued to him!

Hoover: Perfect. Roll yourselves into a corner and wait for me.

Ralph: Yay, I'm a katamari!

/ / /

Hoover: That was some tour, Cocoa Beanie. You took me to places I'd never been.

:*giggles*

Cocoa Beanie: Sounds like the kids are having a good time too.

Lisa: No, we're being tickled by rats trying to lick off the caramel!

/ / /

Lisa: Wow, Miss Hoover, you're really in a good mood.

Hoover: I've got a date tonight with Cocoa Beanie. He's such a wonderful man.

Hoover: Well, part man, part legume.

Hoover: I'm so happy I'm even going to teach you math.

Lisa: Great! I love math...but you don't.

Hoover: That's why you'll be learning the Krusty Burger Mathy-Meal way!

Krusty: Hey, hey! Let's learn percentages.

Krusty: Each Mathy-Meal contains 500% of your daily recommended amount of tripe.

/ / /

Hoover: What are we doing on our date tonight, Cocoa?

Cocoa Beanie: Everything, baby! Dining, dancing...and then back to my pod for some sweet romancing.

Hoover: Did you say "pod"?

Cocoa Beanie: Cocoa beans come from pods, baby. Look it up!

/ / /

Hoover: Wow, this dinner at the Gilded Truffle was superb.

Cocoa Beanie: The chef and I are friends. I let him shave some of me off to use in his desserts.

Hoover: But I had the chocolate mousse. Does that mean I...?

Cocoa Beanie: Ate me.

Hoover: That's a little creepy.

Cocoa Beanie: I'm not saying it isn't.

/ / /

Hoover: Cocoa, this date is so fun I want to stay up all night.

Hoover: I'll put on a Transformers movie in class tomorrow and sleep in the clockroom.

Cocoa Beanie: Then let's hit Krusty's After Hours Cabaret! They have fantastic entertainment there!

Cocoa Beanie: And then Krusty performs.

Hoover: I didn't know we had live theater in this town, after Kenneth Branagh's Shakespearean troupe was run out of town.

Cocoa Beanie: His last words were: "To flee or not to flee."

Hoover: He really should've just fled. He'd still have his ear.

/ / /

Krusty: Hey thanks, you two. You were the only people who stayed to listen to my stand-up routine.

Hoover: We would have left but you locked the doors to the club.

Krusty: There's no fire regulation I won't violate for the sake of comedy.

/ / /

Hoover: You know, I always wanted to be a cabaret dancer.

Hoover: But I took a career aptitude test and it said I should either be a teacher or a prison guard.

Krusty: Two great choices. They both have fantastic unions.

Cocoa Beanie: You could still be a dancer, Elizabeth! You're young, you're sexy, and you smoke like a chimney.

Hoover: What do you say, Krusty? Could I be one of your dancers?

Krusty: Well, I do have an opening. One of my gals ran off with a bisexual German count. Or maybe that was a movie.

Krusty: But you'll have to get some training. And you'll have some tough competition.

Smithers: Back off, Hoover. This dance job is mine!

/ / /

Hoover: Waylon and I finished our cabareducation. Now who gets to be in the Krusty Cabaret Rockettes?

Krusty: Tough choice. Two great dancers, only one opening.

Krusty: On the one hand, Smithers has fantastic movements and owns his own leggings.

Krusty: On the other hand, Miss Hoover is a woman.

Krusty: The only way to decide is a dance off.

/ / /

Krusty: Congratulations, Miss Hoover, you win. I'll hire you for 10 bucks an hour and all the leftover booze you can drink.

Cocoa Beanie: Elizabeth is too good for this craphole. We're taking her moves to the streets.

/ / /

Cocoa Beanie: Okay, Elizabeth. You dance here on the street corner, and I'll pass around a hat for some money.

Cocoa Beanie: I've already seeded it with 15 Fudge Bucks.

Hoover: I've got a fever, and the only cure is public exhibitionism. Let's dance!

/ / /

Cocoa Beanie: Everyone loved your street corner dancing, Elizabeth.

Cocoa Beanie: We made eighty-two dollars, plus two Colonial ear farthings Mr. Burns thought were still legal tender.

/ / /

Dolph: Miss Hoover looked pretty good dancing around in that skimpy outfit.

Jimbo: I could watch her all day. Is there a way to fail backwards into grade two again?

Kearney: Don't worry. I got the whole thing on video. I'm posting it now!

/ / /

Marge: Homer, have you seen this video of Miss Hoover dancing half-naked?

Homer: Hmm. It sounds NSFW, and I only watch NSFW videos at work.

Marge: I don't approve of Lisa's tacher flouncing in the streets like a floozy.

Homer: That's a very politically incorrect thing to call her, Marge.

Homer: Now we say she's a self-empowered floozy taking charge of her sexuality.

Marge: Well, I'm going to aler the other parents. Principal Skinner has to do something aout this.

Marge: It's time to activate the HMMPH network: "Home-Makers Making Persnickity Hmmphs."

/ / /

Skinner: Miss Hoover, the parents of this school are concerned about your semi-nude public dancing, and I don't blame them.

Chalmers: We never blame the parents...in public. In private we blame them for everything.

Marge: We're concerned about the person you've been dating. He's a man who makes his money by getting other people to perform...

Marge: An impresario!

Homer: He's your imp. And he's imping you all over town!

Hoover: I don't care. I love him. Plus he keeps me fixed up with these.

Chalmers: Pills?! I'm confiscating them!

Hoover: No, they're N&N candies from the factory.

Homer: Candy?! I'm confiscating them!

/ / /

Hoover: Cocoa, everyone is saying you're just using me to make money.

Cocoa Beanie: No baby, it's not like that. I love you! And I got big plans.

Cocoa Beanie: First, we're getting out of this two-bit town and and moving to Shelbyville. That's a three bit town at least.

Cocoa Beanie: We'll open our own cabaret. Shelbyville is crawling with nightclub-entertainment loving bigshots and mobsters.

Cocoa Beanie: And then I'm going to make you Mrs. Cocoa Beanie!

Hoover: It sounds wonderful! But aren't your parents opposed to mixed marriages?

Cocoa Beanie: Yeah, but they'll shut up once we start giving them grandbeans.

/ / /

Lisa: Miss Hoover is moving to Shelbyvillie with Cocoa Beanie! We have to stop her, Bart!

Bart: Why? You said week-old bread could teach better than her.

Lisa: Better the devil you know.

Lisa: The last substitute teacher we had was Gil, and the homework he gave us was to go out and sell aluminum siding for him.

Lisa: Now, show we reason with her or make an emotional plea?

Bart: I think it'll be quicker if we just go stomp on her boyfriend.

/ / /

Cocoa Beanie: Ow, ow! Elizabeth, help, I'm being beaten by schoolchildren.

Hoover: Sorry Cocoa, I'm breaking up with you.

Hoover: I thought you were strong and self-confident. But even Ralph is roughing you up.

Cocoa Beanie: It's not my fault. It's a hot day. I get all soft and melty!

Hoover: I just can't respect you. Goodbye forever.

Hoover: And kids, beating up the mascot counts as homework.

Ralph: I'm getting a gold star!

/ / /

Lisa: I'm sorry it didn't work out with your boyriend, Miss Hoover.

Hoover: Eh, I had fun, and Krusty says I can always dance at his cabaret on weekends.

Hoover: Apparently his current dancer is kind of a drama queen.

Smithers: I need grape flavored lip gloss, flowers in my dressing room, and *sobs* someone to hug me and tell me I'm worthwhile.

Hoover: Anyway, it's great to be back at the career I love the most.

Lisa: Teaching?

Hoover: Making kids lie with their heads on the desk while I go out and smoke.

Lisa: *sigh* I have to stop setting people up like that.

/ / /

Hibbert: I'm tired of seeing all this garbage in my examination room.

Homer: I have ears, Doc! And they're full of fire ants, which is why I'm here!

Hibbert: Sorry Homer. I wasn't referring to you. I just need to find some storage for all this clutter.

Homer: I know - you could build a shed! Building a shed will be a watershed moment in your life. But build a land shed, not a water shed.

Hibbert: Funny you mention it, I did have a shed once. Or the start of one anyway.

Homer: You did? Where is it? Will you let me borrow it? Come on, stop hogging it for yourself!

Hibbert: I'm sorry to say it never got finished, Homer.

Homer: You're shedding me.

Hibbert: My useless brother-in-law started working on it and then ran off with the money. And the shed. I never should have put wheels on that shed.

In-Game Message: A reference to a NEVER BEFORE SEEN character AND an unfinished shed?! Quick, go look in the build menu!

Hibbert: Did anyone else get a cold chill down their spine? A-heh-heh-heh.

/ / /

Moe: Somethin' a matter, Doc? You look sadder than a caged panda.

Moe: ...not that I know what a caged panda looks like or anything. Hehe. *cough*

Hibbert: I'm lonely, Moe. What's the point of laughing inappropriately if you have no one to share it with?

Moe: How about a trip to the old red light district? Could be a solid choice for a man with an unlimited access to antibiotics.

Hibbert: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'd rather just have my wife.

Moe: Well, that's easy to fix! Do you know what she was doing when the town exploded?

Hibbert: The same thing she was doing every day before the town exploded...spending my money.

/ / /

Bernice: Some things never change. Even a nuclear blast couldn't make this town more interesting.

Bernice: There must be something I can do to amuse myself.

/ / /

Bernice: This REALLY has been fun Marge. You always make me feel better.

Marge: Thank you.

Bernice: I'm sorry. I mean you always make me feel better than you.

Marge: *annoyed murmur*

Bernice: But all this slumming has given me a craving for something expensive. Could you point me toward the nearest store you can't afford?

/ / /

Bernice: Darling, look at this bracelet I bought! A $5,300 it's a veritable steal.

Hibbert: Well, I hope you stole it. We cant afford any extravagant purchases right now.

Bernice: What?! WHY?

Hibbert: I'm sorry, but business has been slow. For some strange reason all the people in Springfield are currently healthy.

Bernice: I'm sure you can find a way to make people sick. Lord knows you're making me sick right now.

/ / /

Bernice: I'm FURIOUS! If Julius thinks he can just cut me off...HE'S GOT ANOTHER THING COMING!

Moe: Well, I won't cut you off. I never cut off anyone. That's what makes me a horrible bartender.

Bernice: Thank you. I'm just so tired of being told no.

Moe: You're telling me. Even with my Magic 8 ball, all I ever got was "No" or "Ask Again Later".

Moe: And then it gave me "Just Give Up Already." I didn't know that was an option.

/ / /

Carl: Word to the wise: Stay away from the ladies room. There's a family of raccoons living in there.

Lenny: That or a family of very small burglars.

/ / /

Homer: Wow Bernice, I never really liked you before.

Homer: But then again, I never really drank heavily with you before.

/ / /

Bernice: Ow... my head...

Wiggum: Consider yourself lucky I didn't throw you in jail. Instead I took pictures and posted them to SpringFace.

Wiggum: You'd be surprised how much more effective law enforcement has become since the reintroduction of public shaming.

Bernice: Oh, I'm so embarrassed at my behavior.

Hibbert: Well, you're about to be a lot more embarrassed... at your very own very personal very public intervention!

/ / /

Bernice: I'm sorry sweetheart. I feel like I've let you down.

Hibbert: You didn't let me down, honey. You just shamed me and our family. And let me down. 

Bernice: Will you forgive me?

Hibbert: Probably not, but thanks to medical morphine, I'll forget.

/ / /

Bernice: Homer Simpson?! I didn't know you finally acknowledged your alcohol problem.

Homer: Alcohol problem? I just come here for the free donuts.

Homer: I SAID I come here for the free donuts.

In-Game Message: Here's a free donut!

/ / /

Bernice: I'm sorry I lost control and embarrassed us.

Hibbert: And I'm sorry I ran over the neighbor's dog and disposed of it in the lake instead of just telling them.

Bernice: What?

Hibbert: It's nice to forgive each another.

/ / /

Marge: The town has gotten so big it's hard to find people when I need to hit them up to buy church raffle tickets.

Ned: Well, Marge, you can always use the Town Census.

Marge: But a Census just tells you where people live, it doesn't know where people are at all times.

Quimby: Er, uh, actually the new NSA-ified census knows where everyone is and what they are doing all the, er, uh, time.

Marge: Hmm, I'm sure that has sinister repercussions I should consider...

Marge: But I can't get past how much easier raffle sales are going to be! Yay!

In-Game Message: You can now use the Town Hall to spy...er...find anyone in your Springfield!

/ / /

Krusty: I miss the old Springfield.

Krusty: Where's the black market Vicodin? Where's the underground kangaroo fight club? I need my 'roo fights!

Krusty: Sure, I'm making lots of money. But that gets boring without morally reprehensible things to spend it on.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Krusty, if you're jaded about being rich, there's only one solution to your spiritual crisis -- get even richer.

Krusty: Yeah, then I can buy a private island. And attach rockets to it, and blast it into space. Ah, Space Island.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: What you need is to start making new Itchy & Scratchys.

Krusty: But we've already got hundreds of them. And the characters don't change or age. What innovative stories could any writer wring out of those characters?

Blue-Haired Lawyer: From what I can tell, none.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: But it doesn't matter. No one needs to watch the new episodes.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: They just need to know they're being made and remember the old ones fondly...and voila, the brand is still relevant!

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Then you can start merchandising t-shirts and aaction figures, slot machines and beer...maybe even develop a freemium game!

Krusty: Would the game have to be good?

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Not at all. Just rebuild Itchy & Scratchy Studios. I promise you'll be slurping up cash pronto from that sweet IP!

/ / /

Krusty: Look out, ennui. You're about to get punched wth a money fist.

/ / /

Roger: Krusty, if it isn't my favorite talking ulcer. What is it that you want from me?

Krusty: Hey, hey, Roger. I just pulled you from oblivion. You ought to be kissing my foot acne in gratitude.

Roger: I ain't kissing your facne for nothing! You still owe me for the Picasso you destroyed!

Krusty: When I drunkenly broke into your house and got cold? What was I supposed to start a fire with... a Monet!?

Krusty: I'm not breathing in fumes from some crappy Impressionist!

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Fellas, let's put aside this fighting, and focus on our common goal -- being rich enough to feel superior to others.

Krusty: We have a simple request, Roger.

Krusty: Get your staff at I & S to develop a new batch of beloved cartoons we can turn into shoddy, sweatshop merchandise.

Krusty: Remember, not just loved, BE-loved.

Roger: We can do that. I have the smartest, hardest working, most talented writers since... [JOKE TO COME].

/ / /

Krusty: Well, Roger, I've given you and your staff 12 hours, give or take the use of donuts.

Krusty: That should be more than enough time for them to come up with a billion dollar franchise.

Roger: I'm sorry, Krusty. I went into the studio, and found everyone who worked for me is gone. And by gone, I mean is now a skeleton.

Roger: There's a lesson here: if you chain your writers to their chairs, make sure those chairs are within arms' reach of the breakroom.

Krusty: Wait. Then what have you been doing all this time?

Roger: Caught up with my email. Your inbox really fills up when you haven't been in existence for a while.

Krusty: Oh, even more money! You were going to heal me! Now how will I ever end the numbness I feel for life?

/ / /

Krusty: The worst problems in the world are the ones that affect me.

Comic Book Guy: A sad clown? How very original.

Krusty: Originality is not my specialty.

Krusty: Besides, I'm not sad for me. I'm sad for the millions of viewers who'll never get to see new episodes of Itchy and Scratchy.

Comic Book Guy: I guess you haven't seen Deadline Springfield.

Krusty: What is that -- the Internet? People aren't still doing the Internet, are they?

/ / /

Krusty: Hey Roger Liars, which I say since Liars rhymes with your last name Myers. What's this I just read on Deadline Springfield?

Roger: Look whose tears have dried. My good pal--

Krusty: Don't you  good pal  me! You're gonna make millions showing Itchy & Scratchy on the World Wide Whatever! And you cut me out of the deal?!

Roger: In our last contract, you never asked for a share of new media sales. It's not my fault we signed that when the internet didn't exist.

Krusty: You backstabbing son of a backstabber!

Krusty: If it's an option in my menu, I will make it my mission to have you stored back in the inventory.

Roger: People don't watch television anymore, Krusty.

Roger: They receive content through smartphones, computers, tablets, and direct-to-brain downloads.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: So now some company will pay us handsomely for the opportunity to provide the entire Itchy & Scratchy catalogue via cable and internet doohickeys.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: That's how to wring the last remaining drops of cash out of an aging cartoon franchise.

Krusty: But you told me IP something something blah blah?

Blue-Haired Lawyer: I just said that to trick you into bringing back Roger. Face it, Krusty. You got Blue-Haired Lawyered.

/ / /

Krusty: Stupid Blue-Hairs! This is what I get for trusting those types of people. Always trying to crook away your money.

Milhouse: Mr. the Clown, I know I see you all the time, but can I have another autograph?

Milhouse: I keep having to give them away to bullies so they don't steal my retainer.

Krusty: Scram, you worthless blue-haired kid. And don't you even think of putting your toe into a Krusty Burger.

Krusty: You're banned! All Blue-Hairs are banned!

Krusty: Huh. I never knew bigotry was this emotionally satisfying. I think I finally get the South.

/ / /

Krusty: Nothing blocks people from entering a building like juggling.

Krusty: This is the perfect revenge. There's no way this act of bigotry doesn't work out great for me.

/ / /

Roger: Seven hundred and fifty million dollars...

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Roger, can you please finish signing these contracts?

Roger: Seven hundred and fifty million dollars...

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Yes, that's how much you're going to be paid for the streaming rights for Itchy & Scratchy by the BZZ Network, Where Entertainment Is Extreme !

Roger: Seven hundred and fifty million dollars...

Blue-Haired Lawyer: But you can't get anything from the BZZ Network, Where Entertainment Is Extreme , until you sign all the contracts.

Roger: Seven hundred and fifty million dollars...

Blue-Haired Lawyer: *sigh* Here, you hold the pen and I'll hold your hand.

/ / /

Roger: Look at all these tech weirdos and inter-dorks here to build the Itchy & Scratchy website.

Roger: Finally, I've got a staff to demean and humiliate. What am I supposed to yell at them to do again?

Blue-Haired Lawyer: They're creating an advertising supported web portal.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: It's basically a Hulu devoted solely to Itchy & Scratchy where all the episodes ever produced can be viewed.

Roger: Do whatever the lawyer just said! And do it faster! Or I'll pull out your throats and choke you with your own windpipes!

Roger: Make a note of that visual. We could make a whole story out of it for the cat. Or the mouse. Whichever one does the violence.

/ / /

Blue-Haired Lawyer: I am here to inform you, Krusty, since the start of the I & S web portal for BZZ Network, Where Entertainment Is Extreme , you must cease all displays of Itchy & Scratchy licensed images.

Krusty: You're pulling Itchy & Scratchy? Please, no one watches my show to see me!

Krusty: Everyone knows I'm the one holding me back!
/ / /

Krusty: These shifty Blue-Hairs are rotting this city from the inside.

Krusty: It's time we deal with this problem using good old fashioned 20th century methods. Like they use in Arizona.

Krusty: I've already banned them from Krusty Burger.

Krusty: Now to use my powerful connections in City Hall to lobby for a Blue-Hair ID program, Blue-Hair-only bathrooms, and eventually Blue-Hair deportation.

Krusty: I'm stepping up this discrimination from de facto to de jure.

/ / /

Quimby: There is absolutely no way, erm, I can do what you want, Krusty. It's plainly illegal and immoral.

Quimby: When a Quimby won't take your bribe, you know you've crossed a line.

Krusty: I just want to treat certain people as second-class citizens, based solely on the color of their hair. How can that be wrong?

Quimby: No politician can win an election if he's associated with hair colorism, even an election he fixed.

Krusty: But D-Joe, they took Itchy & Scratchy from me.

Krusty: You have to help me dehumanize these people. It's the only way I can get everyone to stop thinking of them as human!

/ / /

Bart: Lis, look outside and tell me if the world blew up!

Lisa: It's still here. The world is unlikely to end by explosion though.

Lisa: The true danger is inattention and neglect as we use up our natural resources. I have seen the asteroid, and it is us.

Bart: You're as fun as ever, sis. But now we have a real problem!

Bart: Itchy & Scratchy was pulled from Krusty's show! This is going to make wasting time watching TV pointless.

Lisa: As the super rich get super richer, the rest of us have to accept the rules they give us. That's how the modern economy works.

Lisa: By the way, if you're smart and powerless, it's way cooler to give up and act jaded. I read that in The Economist For Kidz.

Bart: This is unacceptable. What's the point of being kids if we can't fix problems with pluck, spunk, and ...how do we fix this?

Lisa: Well, we could round up all the kids in town and write complaint letters to Roger Myers Jr.

Lisa: This could be our civil rights movement, but instead of being about freedom from social persecution, it's about freedom to watch TV. Because freedom is now a meaningless word.

Bart: Write letters? Would we have to use cursive? This seems too hard. Can't we just email photos of our butts?

Lisa: Anyone or any spambot can shoot off an email. But people willing to write letters, they're crazy enough to be dangerous.

/ / /

Roger: I've gotten so many thoughtful, articulate letters from our passionate fans. Intern, bring me the incinerator!

Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Dear Leader Mr. Myers, sir, the incinerator broke yesterday, after you tried to burn the printer after another paper jam.

Roger: A printer's job is to print. Not eat up all my paper!

/ / /

Roger: Taking the time to personally ignore each fan letter is so fulfilling.

/ / /

Milhouse: Mr. the Clown, I know you hate my kind, but can you sign one last autograph? And then initial pages 3, 5, 8, and 9?

Krusty: How did you get in here, Blue-Hair?!

Krusty: *sigh* Never hire a monkey to run your security.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Krusty, this here is a class-action lawsuit for your blatantly discriminatory service policy.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: You can't keep people out of Krusty Burger based on the color of their hair.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Only on the content of their character... as evidenced by a lack of shirt and/or shoes.

Krusty: You can sue someone for being a bigot?! There's no chance I can beat a lawsuit. This town only has one lawyer.

Hans Molemen: I'll be your Perry Mason, Krusto. I got a JD when someone flushed theirs into the sewer.

Krusty: This degree is from Dartmouth. I think I'm better off representing myself.

/ / /

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Today I will show this court that Krusty not only discriminated against Blue-Hair-Americans like my client and myself, but also his own father!

Blue-Haired Lawyer: For as this picture shows, Rabbi Hyman Krustofski was born with blue hair!

Snyder: DUNT DUNT DUN!

Krusty: Oh no, Papa! How I have slandered and disgraced you!

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Once again, you've been Blue-Haired Lawyered!

/ / /

Krusty: My mother was born with yellow hair, my father with blue, and that adds up to me having green hair.

Krusty: It seems so obvious once I say the chromatic structure out loud.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Krusty, you can hand my client your entire net worth in either bags marked with dollar signs or chests full of coins made of gold.

Milhouse: Oh Mr. Lawyer, I don't want any money.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: SHUH-WHUT?!

Milhouse: All I want is for Krusty to go back to showing Itchy & Scratchy.

Snyder: Well, I have no legal right to force one private company to work with another private company... but I just can't resist the wish of a child.

Snyder: Blue-Haired Lawyer, get Itchy & Scratchy back on the air!

/ / /

Roger: Nothing better to do after the completion of a lifetime of work than proclaim some exposition.

Roger: The Itchy & Scratchy website is ready to launch. I can finally relax.

Roger: Think I'll treat myself by making my clothes stink of tobacco.

/ / /

Roger: Wait, if all my work is done, who am I going to yell at? There's too much risk of reprisal with waiters and concierges.

Roger: I can try yelling at my cigar. Cigar, you better not give me mouth cancer!

Roger: Oh no, this isn't working -- it's just defiantly blowing smoke in my face.

/ / /

Roger: So it's agreed. I'll get to yell at people to make new Itchy & Scratchy episodes, and Krusty will show them.

Krusty: That's all I ever wanted.

Krusty: Also, a percentage of that seven hundred and fifty million dollar new media sale would be great.

Roger: Seven hundred and fifty million dollars...

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Krusty, the BZZ Network, Where Entertainment Is Extreme , has offered to pay your cable bill for one year.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: They view new episodes airing on your network as the perfect advertising for their website.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Especially since they're all owned by the same media conglomerate.

Krusty: You make it cable AND internet, and we've got a deal!

/ / /

Roger: Okay, you scribbling cretins, I want you to shove amazing down my throat like I'm a French goose!

Roger: It's nice to be home.

/ / /

Bart: Welcome to the Itchydome!

Bart: We are surrounded on all sides by sixteen smartphones, seven tablets, four laptops, two home computers, and five TVs, making...

Lisa: Thirty-four.

Bart: Thirty-four screens blasting Itchy & Scratchy straight at our eyeballs, earholes, and mushified brains.

Bart: People, there is no escape from the entertainment.

Milhouse: My nose is starting to bleed. Cool!

Bart: Now this is how TV shows were meant to be watched.

/ / /

Cooling Towers: MELTDOWN IMMINENT. MELTDOWN IMMINENT. MELTDOWN IMMINENT. LAST CHANCE TO CARRY NO REGRETS.

Carl: Homer, good God, what are you doing?!

Carl: You can't let an elephant drink up all the reactor coolant!

Carl: It may be an incredible visual for all of us who can see inside the power plant, but it's also very dangerous.

Homer: What, so I should let this majestic creature slurp water from a curb puddle like some comon hippo?

Carl: Spit out all that coolant, Schnoozo!

Schnoozo: *trunk blast*

Carl: Homer, why ya trying to blow up the town for the...

Carl: ...third time? Sixth? I lost count a while ago.

Homer: This Springfield is a crummy imitation of the old one, and everyone named Homer knows it!

Homer: Why it's missing this town's most famous landmark -- Honst John's Computers!

Lenny: Are you guys talking about Honest John's Computers? Man, I miss that place.

Carl: Sure, Honest John's was the beating heart of this 'burg. No one's disputing that.

Moe: I always loved how it looks like an auto-body shop, even though they sold 'puters.

Moe: But I don't need to describe what Honest John's looks like. It's an image we all treasure.

Quimby: Truly, I would rather be mayor of North Korea than run a Springfield without Honest John's.

Carl: Then let's just rebuild it in the town we have.

Carl: Trust me, no one wants to start at the beginning remaking this thing.

/ / /

Database: Gaaah! By Dr. Who s Tardis, I m back!

Database: Thank you for tirelessly working for my return, good citizens.

Moe: Who the hells is that?

/ / /

Database: Delicious. To once more smell the grass and hear the jingles of home is wondrous.

Moe: Again, whose is ya again?

Bart: I heard we got a new kid! Is it...

Bart: ...oh, it s Database. I was hoping for Hubert Wong.

Database: I promise my presence will delight and --

Homer: Whatever, nerdburger.

Homer: We ve got Honest John s back! Time to celebrate by browsing marked up computers and computer accessories!

Burns: Ah, Honest John s. Such a magical place!

Burns: Why, their counting machines melt my hard drive into a floppy disk.

Database: That is not accurate to--

Homer: Ignore the child! To Honest John s and the Springfield of our dreams!

/ / /

Homer: This mousepad looks like it's made of cheese. Oh bless you, Honest John's! Bless you!

/ / /

Database: Lisa! Want to spend time bonding as social equals? You re the only Superfriend this town has.

Database: I fear Ham is lost for all eternity.

Lisa: I d really like to, Data...Data...

Database: Database! Like the structured assemblage of information that can be sorted, modified, and deleted.

Lisa: You seem neat and all, but I need to get to Honest John s. I want to buy up their USB memory sticks.

Lisa: They ll be valuable, vintage collectibles once the aughts nostalgia craze happens.

Database: Oh. Okay. I guess I can focus on the hobby I m famous for.

Lisa: ...Is it wheezing?

Database: Bonsai!

Database: Haven t you noticed whenever Bart s skateboarding or you re rejecting Milhouse, I m in the background, next to a tiny tree? It s impossible to miss.

/ / /

Database: Ahhhh. Nothing is as relaxing as the ancient art of bonsai. It s way, WAY better than having friends.

Database: In fact, there s a lot of scholarship about how plants can actually listen.

Database: Are you eavesdropping on me right now, my baby Ent?

Bonsai: ...

Database: Well, dorks are cool nowadays, so I take your barbs as a compliment.

Bonsai: ...

Database: Quiet, Bonnie!

Database: And you better not scream when I prune you.

Database: It s no worse than a haircut, if hair were connected to the nervous system.

/ / /

Bonsai: !!!

/ / /

Database: Oh, you came out nice, Bonnie.

Database: Now where can I get an ethnologically accurate pot to place you in?

Akira: May I be of service, sad weirdo?

Akira: As a Japanese person who does many Japanese-y things, I know much about bonsai.

Akira: My country created the practice to take our minds off tentacle pornography.

Database: Actually, bonsai originated in China, where it is called penjing or penzai.

Database: As early as the 6th century, diplomats took samples back to Japan and replanted the art form there.

Akira: Well, when my ancestors stole the idea, they yelled, "No backsies!" So it s pretty much ours.

/ / /

Database: Thank you, Akira. You ve really Japanesed up my little tree something proper.

Akira: That s what I m here for. Unless...I am not here.

Akira: As the famous Zen proverb explains: rain cannot make a flower grow nor wind fill a sail, if it has not been purchased from in-app premium content.

In-Game Message: Get Akira from the Build Menu to grow more Bonsai at the Happy Sumo.

In-Game Message: Or purchase Bonsai for a few donuts each in the Build Menu.

In-Game Message: A Bonsai has been placed in your inventory.

/ / /

Database: Hello, other children. Would anyone like to see my miniature forest?

Database: I would be happy to make one for you for the low, low price of social interaction.

Bart: Eh, we good. We re all busy at the moment.

Database: Still RAMbunctious to take a BYTE out of Honest John s and C++ what more they have?

Database: I used wordplay to show that I m fun.

Bart: Wordplay is never fun.

Bart: Anything you learn at schoo - words, numbers, self-identity and how to form meaningful peer relationships - is lame.

Lisa: I like wordplay --

Database: FRIEND!

Lisa: Uh, thanks for your bonsai offer, Database. But while we re done with Honest John s, we ve moved on to other things.

Bart: I m poking a hive of dying yellow jackets with a dried-up highlighter.

Milhouse: And I m leaning my rather large nose waaaay too close --

Skinner: Children, whatever time it is, it s time for school!

Skinner: So you better not be busy on one of your so-called  missions .

Database: School! There s no way people can avoid interacting with me once they lock the doors!

Database: *sigh* That did not sound good. Self-awareness brings so much misery.

/ / /

Database: So Lisa, care to do a small chemistry experiment during lunch?

Database: I know where they keep the Bunsen burners and the magnesium sulfate.

Lisa: I ve been trying to be polite, but that doesn t seem to be working. I m cool now, Database.

Lisa: Maybe it s because I finally know who I am. Maybe it s that most of the cool kids are still gone. Whatever the reason, I m cool and in demand.

Database: So you re saying...I can be cool too?

Lisa: No, I m not saying that.

Lisa: I was one of the first ones back in this town. And when it gets updated, I m often the one who introduces and explains what needs to happen.

Lisa: I never got to do and say this much before! I can t risk that by associating with a noob.

Database: I...I can be central to a story.

Lisa: You have to face it. In life, there are minor characters and major characters.

Lisa: Some get a name. And some are just called Database.

Database: ...

Lisa: Hey, it s not so bad. At least you re not My-Ding-a-Ling Kid.

/ / /

Database: I forgot I m in the Gifted Child program. Which in Springfield means my classes are by myself.

Hoover: Sshhh! Don t let Lisa hear you. I need her to stay in my class to raise the GPA, so I can keep my J-O-B.

Hoover: I spelled  job  correctly, right?

Database: Yes, Miss Hoover.

Hoover: And have tomorrow s lesson plan to me by 10pm tonight.

Hoover: I like to review it while my kelp-and-volcanic-mud facial sets.

/ / /

Database: Hey Martin! We are like-minded types, i.e. losers, i.e. people who say i.e. -- want to hang?

Martin: Hang? Now?

Martin: I seem to recall wanting to  hang  once upon a more convenient hour, only to be turned aside like a Timon of Athens or other lesser work of The Bard.

Database: I m sorry I didn t invite you to join Superfriends, Martin.

Database: The week we formed it you were a theater ponce, not a tech weenie.

Database: You change your interests around a lot.

Martin: I am a general, catch-all dork-type and everyone knows it!

Martin: Now good day, sir!

Database: Martin, we can be Superfriends 2.0. That s a reference to software upgrades I just thought of --

Martin: I SAID GOOD DAY!

/ / /

Martin: Ahhhh. Nothing restores balance to the mind like an 8 hour bike ride.

Database: So have you thought over Superfriends 2.0 yet? Think we got a real winner of a notion, I do.

Martin: C mon, Database. Take a hint. I said, I SAID GOOD DAY  and everything.

Database: Oh.  Good day  means  go away . I get it now.

Martin: In this town, people can find you and talk to you no matter where you are or they are. That is super creepy.

Martin: Though it does explain why we have no phones.

/ / /

Dolph: Hey dweebus, you look sad. If you miss the old Springfield, I can make this place seem just like it.

Database: Uh, your words sound like a set up to beating me up.

Nelson: What? Dolph was expressing sincere thoughts of concern.

Database: He started off by insulting me.

Database: I thought he was insinuating he d make new Springfield seem more familiar by hitting me, as he used to do in the past.

Nelson: One: Dolph uses insults to couch his emotions. That s just how Dolph is.

Dolph: Thanks for getting me, Nelson Butt-Muntz.

Nelson: Two: We were going to suggest visiting places that were important to you in the old town, and forging a new connection with those places.

Nelson: It helps us get through the day.

Dolph: You do not get to tell me when I am expressing empathy or not, D-Base!

Dolph: You don t know me! You re not my dream journal!

Database: I m sorry, Dolph, truly I am.

Nelson: We re bullies, so we don t really do apologies. By our code, there s only one way to gain forgiveness.

Database: I understand. Please avoid breaking my glasses, if you can.

Database: Whoever is in charge has yet to build an optometrist s office.

/ / /

Database: I have to say, it s been nice to have a conversation. Most folks have been too busy to spend any time.

Dolph: Can you keep your mouth closed?

Dolph: We try to avoid the teeth, so we don t cut our knuckles.

Database: Sorry. Oops. Does saying that mean you have to hit me longer?

Nelson: Errrr. I guess.

Database: Oh well. Sorry to take up your time.

/ / /

Nelson: If I had been asked before what body part would be sorest after pounding on a nerd, I wouldn t have said the wrists.

Nelson: But my arm wigglers are barking!

Database: Thanks for spending some time with me, guys.

Database: If you want to meet up to bully me again, I m open.

Dolph: I feel unclean inside. I need a bikini carwash for my soul.

Database: Doesn t have to be a serious thing. I get you have a lot going on.

Database: Just when you ve got no one better to pick on, you know.

Nelson: Keep your giant, creep-o head away from us, D-Base!

Nelson: You ve taken the purity of hurting those weaker than you and made it seem disgusting.

/ / /

Marge: Why are you walking around like a humdrum little glum bum. Did someone make fun of your glasses?

Database: No. What s wrong with my glasses?

Marge: Uh...nothing.

Marge: Nothing could be wrong with wearing Sally Jesse Raphael s binoculars. It s a flattering look.

Marge: I bet I know something that ll pick that chin up. I m kind of the Number One mom around here.

Marge: Don t tell Manjula or Bernice I said that.

Marge: All you need to succeed is to be yourself. If you re yourself, then everyone has to like you!

Database: That s it! That s exactly how I ll get this town to like me!

Marge: Mom Number One does it again!

Marge: I m glad you let me give you some advice. The only time I get to spend guiding my children is when I walk Maggie.

Database: Actually, your advice was total gibberish.

Database: How can I be anybody but myself?

Database: Even if I m uncertain or lying, that s still me. Only dimwit actors pretend to be other people.

Database: For the rest of us, even our pretenses are just explorations of different aspects of our personalities.

Database: What was useful is that what you said was totally idiotic.

Database: Most of what people say is totally idiotic. If they could just see that, then they d realize they aren t superior to me.

Database: And then they ll be willing to be my friends!

Marge: If this is being yourself, then you were right. That advice was terrible.

/ / /

Database: I just need to find the magazine that contains the source code for the universe.

Database: Let s see: Matrixweek, Matrix Illustrated, Matrix People, McSweeney s Matrix Report, Matrix & Garden...

Database: Eureka! EA Guide! It s just like TV Guide, only nothing like it!

Database: This should detail the programming language of our world, which is how I normally talk as I m a nerd.

/ / /

Database: Prof. Frink, whether you re here or not, I need to talk to you!

Frink: Yes, my young glaven! What goofball science need caused you to seek me out?

Database: I m trying to build a machine that unlocks the code of the universe, so I can make it visible to all.

Frink: This isn t for the hacking and the malware spreading and the free donuts that lose potential corporate income?

Database: No. I just want to show people that they re worthless morons so they ll agree to be my friends.

Frink: Ok. Well, that s fine.

Frink: You get the fake technology you need from my brand-name line, sold exclusively at Honest John s Computers.

Database: Honest John s? They carry gloybal circuits AND moyven sprockets?

Frink: They better.

Frink: I didn t put my face on a display table to sell a bunch of tablets and graphing calculators.

/ / /

Frink: You ve done it! Your very first cartoonishly nonsensical contraption. I m so proud!

Database: Thanks. In some way, I feel I have already accomplished my goal.

Database: For I have made a friend in you.

Frink: Yes, oy-um. But you can t count on me.

Frink: I m premium and you re regular -- it s a friendship that some cheapskates won t allow.

Frink: Also, once you build a machine, you ve got to flip the on switch.

Frink: Even the hydrogen bomb got a test drive.

/ / /

Homer: Hey, what s going on? How come I can read me saying,  Hey, what s going on? 

Moe: I can read what you said too, Homer: .

Moe: And I can read what I m saying right now! That means, youz alls can read my speak-a-ma-goos.

Moe: Ew boy. If a Bartender can t curse out patrons under his breath, his mind will snap like a twig.

Database: Don t be afraid.

Database: I ve just hacked the code of our universe - which is definitely a real thing: to show all of you exactly what you say.

Homer: SHUUUUUUUHB?!

Database: Exactly!

Database: Abstract guttural noises. Nonsense phrases doubling as slang. Strained pop culture references.

Database: Now do you see how much pointless speech fills your lives?!

Moe: I ve always known that. But you don t see me being a jerk about it.

Database: Self-awareness may be painful, but it s also an opportunity to grow.

Database: Having to see and read what we say will force us to confront how we treat each other. This will spur us on to improve ourselves.

Lisa: Counterpoint: Texting.

Mayor Quimby: I m not sure Springfield has enough room for these yap yap bubbles. The town s borders are, ahm, a tad inflexible.

Mayor Quimby: And now that you know I know, please stop sending me comments about it.

Database: Oh, just tap on what s said and you can send it away -

Homer: Tap!

Homer: Ooooooo!

Homer: Now how do I get rid of the "Ooooooo"?

Homer: Uh... what s it that I gotta do again?

/ / /

Database: I feel honored people are -

Homer: Tap.

Database: People are enjoying what I -

Homer: Tap.

Database: Made. The greatest achievement is the joy -

Homer: Tap.

Database: Oh lord, what have I -

Homer: Tap.

/ / /

Homer: Tap.

Homer: Tap.

Homer: Tap.

Homer: Tap.

Homer: Tap.

Homer: Hmmm.

Homer: Tap.

Homer: TAP.

Homer: ZZZ...tap...ZZZ

Homer: Tap.

Marge: Homer, everyone in town can -

Homer: Tap.

Marge: Homer!

Homer: Marge, sweetie, that was an accident. I, of course, wanted to hear the entirety of your worried nagging.

Moe: Hey yammer bags, clamp those lips, or I will staple gun them shut!

Homer: I m trying to. But every time I get rid of these speechy thingums, another one takes its place.

Homer: Tap.

Homer: SEE!

Homer: Tap.

Homer: D oh!

Lisa: Before you get caught in a loop, Dad, might I advise you to just tap silently.

Lisa: Then the word  tap  won t appear, needing you to tap it.

Homer: Got it. Thanks, Lisa.

Homer: Tap.

Lisa: I tried.

Bart: Why do any of you read all these stupid letter jumbles we barf?

Bart: If they re annoying you, I ll show you how to deal with them.

/ / /

Lisa: Every time I say this I m incredulous, but Bart s right.

Lisa: We should go out and be active and live our lives instead of commenting on them.

Marge: That may be true. I know I have more important things to do.

Marge: But I feel bad ignoring all this dialog. People put a lot of time into it --

Homer: Tap.

Homer: D oh!

Marge: Yeah, I really gotta start doing something better with my time.

/ / /

Homer: gldfhklfkj *hiccup*

Frink: ylkv%#fr *hiccup*

Hibbert: ylkv%#fr *hiccup*

Burns: $$$$$$ *vomit*

Database: How come everyone is making even less sense than usual?

Lisa: Exhausted by having to constantly reflect on their words, most have sought refuge in the incoherency of alcohol.

Database: Lisa, I m not sure you re any more central than you were before, if you still only say exposition.

Lisa: Yeah, well now I say a lot more of it. So there.

Database: If what you say is true, no one can claim they re too busy to spend quality time with me.

Database: Who wants to play a board game where we compete to determine price earnings ratio for the 15th century Hanseatic League?

Lisa: I m afraid that answer will undoubtedly be no one.

Frink: Except me, of course, but only if I get to be Lubeck. Love me some Lubeck.

Lisa: Don t you get it?

Lisa: You can t get people to want to quote unquote 'hang' with you by making the rest of their lives worse.

Database: But how they now experience the world is how I do all the time!

Lisa: SHUUUUUUUHB?!

Lisa: Ugh, did I just say  SHUUUUUUUHB?! ? I m becoming more like my father every day.

Database: I m very well aware that everything I do, even the very sound of my voice, is a nerd cliche.

Database: It s like I was designed by a team of self-loathing losers as an effigy of all the things they hated about themselves as kids.

Database: As if they could expunge their pasts by watching me be burned in flames of youthful humiliation.

Database: Ugh, who says such things? I can t take being exposed to such thoughts any longer.

Database: It s time I joined these drooling, oblivious morlocks.

Homer: Schlerffftttp!

Martin: No, you can t!

Martin: Primo, you re underage. Secunda, your brain is a gift.

Lisa: Database, you ve shown your intelligence has the power to change the world.

Lisa: You just need to learn how to harness that ability to improve the lives of others.

Frink: Or at least entertain them at a moderately successful rate. Like 63%.

Frink: Maybe 42% after you ve built up enough good will.

Martin: I, for one, would be glad to join you on your journey toward fulfillment. If you would have me, Superfriend.

Database: Aw.

Lisa: To begin such a journey, I recommend following a spiritual practice to gain control over your emotions.

Lisa: You never hear of the Dalai Lama getting in a bar fight, do you?

/ / /

Lisa: By the way, I know most of what I just said was exposition. But I said it to help you.

Lisa: So don t sass off about it.

/ / /

Moe: Youz guys, I don t see no more words no more! I can go back to not being sure how youz is spelled.

Moe: Should I include an 'e? Should I not? Two 'o' vowels back-to-back like booze ? I ain t at all sure!

Database: Yes. I reset the universe code to the way it was. And to make up for messing with everyone, I even managed to pry out some of those donuts you all like.

Martin: Yay! We can all be welcome to Superfriends 2.0!

Database: Superfriends 2.0.1. Don t forget the latest patch!

Lisa: Oh Database. Life is going to be hard for you.

Lisa: At least until college.

/ / /

Patty: Why the frown, Selma?

Patty: This better be because we were ousted from the MacGyver Fan Club for indecency, and not man problems again!

Selma: My boyfriend got an electrolarynx and now says he s too good for me.

Patty: For God s sake, Selma - there re plenty of handsome men in the sea.

Patty: Desperate, lonely, ugly, handsome men.

Selma: Look at the facts, Patty. We re past 44 and still alone.

Selma: Even my green card marriage fell apart - how am I supposed to compete with Haiti?

Patty: I have a feeling 45 will take us to a whole new level.

Patty: And that level is rock bottom, with hunks like Artie Ziff.

Selma: You mean the guy who s crazy about Marge?

Patty: A desperation only a loving sister can take advantage of.

/ / /

Selma: Well, look who the cat spit up! Me-*cough*-ow.

Artie: Who s there?

Artie: As the former Treasurer of the Billionaire Club, until it disbanded over mysteriously vanished funds, I demand to know who that is.

Selma: It s your dream date... s sister.

Selma: And you are going to take me out to dinner.

Artie: I would gladly settle for you for the evening, but I appear to have returned from limbo a bit cash poor...

Artie: ...the worst kind of poor there is.

Artie: But if you float me I promise I ll pay you back in unconstructive criticism.

Selma: Sorry, Artie, I can take sleazy and selfish, but not sleazy, selfish and broke. I have standards.

Artie: Wait...You? Selma? You re turning ME down?

In-Game Message: Complete Artie s Quests to regain ZiffCorp Office Building and his flagging confidence.

/ / /

Marge: Oh no...Artie!

Marge: Don t take this the wrong way...

Marge: ...but you re the last person I ever wanted to see again.

Artie: If I had a nickel every time someone said that to me, I d still be rich!

Artie: But don t worry your corn cob shaped head, I m just here for a helping hand...

Artie: ...in marriage?

Artie: Kidding!

Artie: Just a helping hand. No funny business...

Artie: ...unless you like a man who s funny.

Artie: Kidding again!

Artie: Just the help.

Homer: Maybe I can help you.

Marge: Homer! Really?

Homer: It s so rare to help someone worse off than me.

Homer: I m always the bottom left of New York Magazine s Approval Matrix.

Homer: Every week!

Artie: I humbly accept your offer of help, Homer. You clearly are the bigger man.

Homer: I offer you help and you insult my weight. How dare you!

Lisa: He means that as a compliment, Dad.

Homer: In that case, let s do the manliest thing I know -

Homer: Destroy our livers!

/ / /

Homer: Now that you have some Liquid Courage, and I ve had some alcohol, let s find you a date!

Homer: First, you ll need a wingman, one who is both uglier than you and less attractive.

Homer: Lucky for us, we have Moe.

Moe: I know it, but it still hurts.

Artie: What exactly does being a wingman entail?

Moe: For starters, I can help you collect intel on the prey...

Moe: ...I mean victim...

Moe:...I mean woman...

Moe: ...I mean object.

Moe: Then you can use that information to manipulate her!

Artie: And all this time I ve been foolishly selling personal information to the government, when I could have been using it to get dates?

/ / /

Artie: Marge, it is my professional opinion as an amateur opinion giver that everything wrong in your life is because of that sub-human drunk Homer: Simpson!

Marge: My husband offered to help you and this is how you repay him?

Artie: This is new Springfield!

Artie: It s a vast multi-dimensional universe where the currency is trans-fat based. Everything s changing!

Artie: Give me a chance, Marge: , and I can vastly improve your quality of life!

Marge: Ok Artie, what do you propose?

Artie: Margery Bouvier! I thought you d never ask!

/ / /

Marge: Artie, no means no.

Marge: I wish you would respect me when I say that.

Artie: Sometimes the most respectful thing you can do is ignore a woman s wishes and tell her what she really wants.

Artie: You re looking at the new Artie! One that looks, talks, and acts like the old one.

Marge: If you think you re a better man, Artie, don t prove it to me, prove it to yourself!

/ / /

Artie: Marge is playing hard to get once again!

Artie: But if I know Marge, and for some reason I believe I do, the one thing that impresses her above all else is...

Artie: MONEY!

Artie: Time to reclaim my crown as the most successful, narcissistic idiot in Springfield s business universe.

Artie: Watch out, Krusty!

Artie: And Mr. Burns!

Artie: And Duffman!

Artie: And Kent Brockman!

Artie: Geez, I didn t realize there were so many rich idiots in-

Moe: Keep your monologue to yourself, buddy. This bar is here to forget your problems, not solve them.

Artie: Sorry Moe, I have this bad habit of thinking out loud. I suppose I can t quite get enough of the delightful sound of my own voice.

/ / /

Artie: Moe, I came to you first with an exciting business opportunity.

Moe: The last time I fell for that line I bought an Indian graveyard.

Moe: Err, I mean, an empty plot of land.

Native American Spirit: You said you would honor our spirit, Moe.

Moe: And you believed me, Chief Gullible Panther.

Artie: Moe, you ve proven yourself a man with loose morals and that s exactly who I want to be in business with.

Artie: Buy some shares of ZiffCorp and don t ask too many questions, and I ll make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.

Moe: I don t know   I ve got some pretty wild dreams.

Moe: In one, I got wheels for feet.

/ / /

Lenny: Hey, Carl, do you think we made a mistake investing our life savings into this stock?

Carl: No, Artie said he was coming to us first. And we can trust him - he was wearing a suit.

/ / /

Carl: ZiffCorp was ranked the number one stock to buy in 2014 by Hickory Dickory Stock, the magazine for child economists.

Carl: If it s good enough for America s youth, then it s good enough for me.

Lenny: It s logic like that that makes me feel better about investing so much in a company I know so little about.

Carl: And here s another article on ZiffCorp in Ferdinand the Bull Market, the magazine for child bankers.

Carl: Huh. Turns out ZiffCorp s borrowing our shares, short-selling them, and then repurchasing and returning them to us at a later date.

Lenny: That seems a little shady and not to our benefit. Should we be worried?

Carl: My financial advisor says there is nothing to be worried about. We ll be millionaires by nap time.

/ / /

Rich Texan: Yeehaw! I just bought me a majority share of the hottest company in  Murica! I feel like dancin .

Artie: Please stop shooting your own feet! We re on the second floor.

Rich Texan: Well, how do you dance if you aren t shooting at your feet to make  em move?

Artie: In my culture, we sit down in chairs and make other people pick them up and dance for us.

In-Game Message: See what The Rich Texan is up to at the end of the quest line. Find him in the build menu.

/ / /

Artie: I know how unorthodox it is to call a board of directors meeting in the middle of the streets, but I need to tell you all something and I wanted to do it in a place where I can easily escape.

Artie: ZiffCorp is filing for bankruptcy.

Carl: What about the articles in Mother Goose s  Lullabye and Sell  about ZiffCorp s massive profits? Was that all just a fantasy?

Artie: No, not a fantasy.

Artie: A lie! That was a lie!

Artie: I think it s technically called investor fraud.

Lenny- But what about us?

Artie: You will lose all your investments.

Artie: But don t worry, there s a silver lining...

Lenny: Oh good, cause that all sounded really bad. What is it?

Artie: You didn t let me finish. A silver lining on my new tennis court.

Artie: Not quite regulation, but I love the way my ruby-crusted tennis balls clang off it.

/ / /

Marge: Artie, you are absolutely the most unethical, sleazy example of a human being I have ever come across!

Artie: You re right I AM rich.

Artie: Now will you marry me, Marge?

Marge: You just don t get it. I don t want to be with you, or even around you. Go home Artie.

Artie: What could have possibly gone wrong?!

Artie: I didn t listen to a word she said and ruined hundreds of people s lives.

Artie: I should be swimming in Marges.

/ / /

Snyder: ...Insider trading, cooking the books, dangerously undercooked books, unauthorized exchanges, laundering money through numerous child-focused investment magazines.

Snyder: I don t know if there s a white collar crime you haven t committed, Mr. Ziff.

Artie: White collar crimes are the good ones, right?

Snyder: Mr. Ziff, these are very serious accusations!

Snyder: A lot of people, including myself, have been financially crippled because of you! You ve ruined lives!

Artie: I don t suppose this Get Out of Jail Free card I have in my wallet is game transferrable?

Snyder: Jail? I don t think that s necessary. It s not like you shoplifted or were found with a minuscule amount of drugs.

Snyder: House arrest will do. And if you don t have a house, the court will appoint one for you.

Snyder: As for your failing business that ruined the community, its market cap just qualifies as too big to fail.

Snyder: I hereby order the town to bail out ZiffCorp and build it a fancy office building.

Snyder: Case dismissed!

/ / /

Lenny: So ZiffCorp is back and will be publicly traded.

Lenny: But I ll never be fooled by a man in a fancy suit again.

Lenny: Hey! Nice suit, Carl, so are you thinking of buying back in?

Carl: Are you crazy? I lost over three hundred thousand dollars!

Lenny: Then I m buying back in!

Carl: What?! Why?

Lenny: I said I wasn t going to listen to a man in a suit and you re a man in a suit.

Lenny: Thanks for the not advice, Carl.

/ / /

Nelson: Give me your lunch money, dork-o!

Martin: I don't have any tody -- I brought my lunch from home. But I'd be happy to share if you don't have one.

Nelson: What? No, I don't want your lunch! I just want the money.

Martin: So you're one of those buy-don't-bring guys, I understand.

Martin: Perhaps I can get Lunchlady Dora to put your lunch on my tab.

Nelson: I don't want any lunch! I just want to threaten you and take your money.

Nelson: Bullying isn't about lunch -- it's about power.

Martin: Sounds like someone's got low blood sugar.

Nelson: *cries* It's true.

Nelson: I used to eat at my mom's work, but she's still gone and I haven't had a real meal in weeks.

Martin: Well, maybe we can at least fix that.

/ / /

Mrs. Muntz: Nelson! Did you miss me?

Nelson: I sure did, free strip club buffet. *kissing*

Nelson: Oh, hey Mom. You re here too? How were your weeks and/or years in limbo?

Mrs. Muntz: Not bad. I actually used the time to get my GED.

Nelson: What?! I didn t know people could do stuff while they were missing from this world.

Nelson: Although I guess that makes sense... the rules always were a little fuzzy.

Nelson: So now that you have a high-school degree, does that mean you ll get paid more to strip?

Mrs. Muntz: Actually it means I m done stripping.

Nelson: Haw-haw?

Mrs. Muntz: That s right, son. I m going to enroll in college!

Nelson: But we don t have a college in Springfield.

Nelson: Or a middle school.

Nelson: Or a sewer system.

Nelson: Heck, I haven t even seen a gas station.

Mrs. Muntz: That s okay. College isn t about the campus -- it s about the experience. And I can still have that!

Mrs. Muntz: The first thing I have to do is completely reinvent myself on all my social media.

Mrs. Muntz: Son, take care of that for me while I have a quick smoke.

/ / /

Mrs. Muntz: Okay, college experience  college experience.

Mrs. Muntz: They read in college, right? But hard books with symbolism and crap.

Sideshow Mel: Did I hear someone say  symbolism and crap ? I know the perfect book!

Mrs. Muntz: Could you hear me talking to myself?

Side Show Mel: Of course! You were speaking extremely loud!

/ / /

Mrs. Muntz: *sighs*

Snake: What s wrong, baby?

Mrs. Muntz: Nothing.

Snake: Was our love-making okay?

Mrs. Muntz: Yeah.

Snake: Okay, cool.

Mrs. Muntz: No one understands me!!!

/ / /

Otto: Hey, girlie. Why you moping around so hard?

Mrs. Muntz: It s all part of my college experience. I m angsty now.

Otto: I hear that.

Mrs. Muntz: Do you? Do you really "hear that"?

Otto: Hey, maybe I didn t go to college...or maybe I did?

Otto: But I ve been through hard times. And I know someone who s always there for me.

Mrs. Muntz: Who?

Otto: Her name is Mary Jane.

Mrs. Muntz: Is she a friend of yours or something?

Otto: No.

Mrs. Muntz: Oh, I get it.

/ / /

Mrs. Muntz: Boy, this college experience is more expensive than I thought.

Otto: Yeah, it can get pretty pricey.

Otto: What, with the grinders, scales, lighters, roach clips, splitters, papers, pipes, bongs, chillums, bubblers, volcanoes, brownies, candies...

Mrs. Muntz: I think I need a job. But what kind of job could a college coed get to work her way through school?

Otto: Well, according to all the movies I watch  after dark , there s really only one.

/ / /

In-Game Message: Check in with Dr. Nick to see him check out Mrs. Muntz for her  TMJ 

/ / /

Mrs. Muntz: College has been the greatest years wrapped up in a week of my life.

Mrs. Muntz: There s only one thing left to do to get the complete college experience...

Mrs. Muntz: The same thing Bill Gates did, the same thing Mark Zuckerberg did, the same thing pretty much everyone who was ever anything at Harvard did...

Mrs. Muntz: I need to drop out!

/ / /

Nelson: Mom! What are you doing back at the strip club?

Mrs. Muntz: The same thing all college dropouts do -

Mrs. Muntz: I m stripping!

Mrs. Muntz: Everything is back to normal again.

Nelson: Wow, I did not expect that to happen!

Mrs. Muntz: Neither did I, son.

Mrs. Muntz: Neither did I.

==========================================================



==========================================================

6.2. SQUIDPORT

==========================================================

This is a guide for all Squidport and Squidport-related quests and Sea Captain's quests.



SQUIDPORT PT. 1

1. Have Beach Expansion

2. Have Water Expansion

Cost: task 1: $19000; task 2: $33000

Time: tasks 1 and 2: No Wait

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



SQUIDPORT PT. 2

Place Squidport Entrance

Cost: $45000

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



SQUIDPORT PT. 3

Place Boardwalk Sections x4

Cost: Free

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



SQUIDPORT PT. 4

Make Homer Swear at the Ocean

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE OLD MAN AND THE SEA PT. 1

Place Sea Captain's Houseboat

Cost: $15000

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Sea Captain



THE OLD MAN AND THE SEA PT. 2

Make Sea Captain Tell a Tall Tale

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Sea Captain

Reward: $100/10 XP



SQUIDPORT PT. 5

Build the Itchy & Scratchy Store

Cost: $32000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Sea Captain

Reward: $100/10 XP



THEY FIGHT AND BUY-IT

1. Make Milhouse Browse the Itchy and Scratchy Store

2. Make Bart Browse the Itchy and Scratchy Store

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



SQUIDPORT PT. 6

Build a Boardwalk Section at the Squidport Entrance

Cost: $250

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Sea Captain

Reward: $100/10 XP



SQUIDPORT PT. 7

1. Have Boardwalk Sections x8

2. Build Malaria Zone

Cost: $47500

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Sea Captain

Reward: $100/10 XP



A FLAIR FOR EXPLORATION PT. 1

Make Bart Buy Flares

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



A FLAIR FOR EXPLORATION PT. 2

Make Bart Set Off Flares in the Brown House

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



SQUIDPORT PT. 8

1. Have Boardwalk Lamp Post

2. Have Boardwalk Trees x3

3. Have Boardwalk Fences x5

Cost: task 1: $450; task 2: $385 each; task 3: $270 each

Time: tasks 1-3: No Wait

Who Starts It: Sea Captain

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE OLD MAN AND THE SEA PT. 3

Make Sea Captain Read Nautical Literature

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Sea Captain

Reward: $100/10 XP



SQUIDPORT PT. 9

1. Have Boardwalk Sections x12

2. Build Just Rainsticks

Cost: $52000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Sea Captain

Reward: $100/10 XP



JUST RAINSTICKS

Make Lisa Browse for Rainsticks

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE OLD MAN AND THE SEA PT. 4

Make the Sea Captain Practice Standup Routine

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Sea Captain

Reward: $100/10 XP



SQUIDPORT PT. 10

Have a Street Performer

Cost: $10000 for Human Statue

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Sea Captain

Reward: $100/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Human Statue (or whichever Street Performer you buy)



SQUIDPORT PT. 11

1. Have Boardwalk Sections x16

2. Build the Frying Dutchman

Cost: $43000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Sea Captain

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE FRYING DUTCHMAN PT. 1

1. Make Sea Captain Work at The Frying Dutchman

2. Make Springfield Residents Eat at The Frying Dutchman x20

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: task 1: 8 hours; task 2: 8 hours each

Who Starts It: Sea Captain

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE FRYING DUTCHMAN PT. 2

1. Make Sea Captain Work at The Frying Dutchman x2

2. Make Homer Pig Out at The Frying Dutchman

3. Make Comic Book Guy Pig Out at The Frying Dutchman

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: task 1: 8 hours each; tasks 2 and 3: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Sea Captain

Reward: $100/10 XP



SQUIDPORT PT. 12

1. Have Boardwalk Sections x17

2. Build a Fried Dough Stand

Cost: $945

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Sea Captain

Reward: $100/10 XP



SQUIDPORT PT. 13

1. Have Boardwalk Sections x21

2. Reach Level 16 and Build Turban Outfitters

Cost: $61500

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Sea Captain

Reward: $100/10 XP



TURBANITES

Make Apu Try On Turbans

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



OVER THERE

Make Mr. Burns Try On Turbans

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Burns

Reward: $100/10 XP



SQUIDPORT PT. 14

1. Have Boardwalk Sections x25

2. Reach Level 17 and Build My First Tattoo

Cost: $54500

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Sea Captain

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE OLD MAN AND THE SEA PT. 5

Make Sea Captain Pray to Poseidon

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Sea Captain

Reward: $100/10 XP



MY FIRST TATTOO

1. Make Bart Browse for Tattoos

2. Make Milhouse Browse for Tattoos

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



SQUIDPORT PT. 15

1. Have Boardwalk Sections x27

2. Reach Level 18 and Build Much Ado About Muffins

Cost: $48500

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Sea Captain

Reward: $100/10 XP



MUCH ADO ABOUT MUFFINS

Make Moe Try A Muffin

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Moe

Reward: $100/10 XP



SQUIDPORT PT. 16

1. Have Boardwalk Sections x31

2. Reach Level 19 and Build Crypto Barn

Cost: $81000

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Sea Captain

Reward: $100/10 XP



LOADS OF CODES

1. Make Martin Go to the Crypto Barn

2. Make Milhouse Go to the Crypto Barn

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Martin

Reward: $100/10 XP



DIALOGUE

Homer: D oh!

Lisa: What s wrong, Dad?

Homer: Oh, that wasn t an annoyed  d oh  - I was thinking about  dough . Like the delicious fried dough they used to sell down at the waterfront.

Homer: Get in the car, kids! We re going to the Squidport!

Lisa: Dad, remember? You blew up the town. There is no Squidport.

Homer: D oh! That one was an annoyed d oh.

Lisa: I suppose we could rebuild the Squidport. It s be nice to see our town finally stretch down to the water.

Homer: Get in the car, kids! We re going to rebuild the Squidport!

Lisa: Nobody  gets in cars  anymore. We all just walk aimlessly on the streets.

Homer: D oh!

Lisa: Which kind was that?

Homer: Little of both.

/ / /

Homer: Okay, water expansion bought!

Homer: ...and it was surprisingly easy considering it s prime oceanfront property and all my money is fake.

Lisa: Great! Now we can build the Squidport Entrance.

Homer: You know what they say:  Every great building begins with the door! 

Lisa: Who says that?

Homer: I dunno, building builders, I assume.

/ / /

Homer: Mmm, fried dough. A plate-sized glob of wet flour, deep fried and covered with whipped cream... Ow! Chest pains!

Homer: I need to exercise. By walking a short distance along the boardwalk to get to the Fried Dough Stand.

/ / /

Homer: Ah, the Squidport! Full of charming junkies and colorful runaways, attracted by the smell of carnival food and shady merchants... Wait a minute! My Squidport doesn t have any of that!

Lisa: Dad? Is something wrong?

Homer: No, Sweetie. Daddy just has to have a talk with some of his real estate partners. STUPID WATERFRONT! EMBARRASS ME IN FRONT OF THE JUNKIES AND RUNAWAYS!

/ / /

Homer: Uh-oh, did I blow another brain vessel? I think I'm hallucinating a house out there...in the ocean.

Homer: No, it s real! It s some kind of house/boat hybrid! Hmmm, I wonder what you call that?

/ / /

Sea Captain: Y arr, who be doing all that squalling and cussing at the sea? Ye made me sailors blush. Seriously, some of them cried.

Homer: Sorry, sometimes I have a potty mouth. Anyhoo, who the F@#& are you?

Sea Captain: Captain McCallister. Just let in from a long haul at sea.

Sea Captain: Been at Madagascar and at Malabar and spent half a hundred days floating  round the giant garrrbage patch in the Pacific. Y arr, that last one tweren t intentional. But sit ye down and have a yarn 

with the Captain. I ll tell of a ship that near went under, her belly laden with counterfeit Kindle Fires.

Homer: Eh, I m not really much for listening to people.

Sea Captain: Did I mention thar'd be rum by the bucketfull?

Homer: Yarn away! Don t leave anything out!

/ / /

Sea Captain: Y'arr, the Squidport! This old seadog has spent many a silver here, having me caricature made and eating Dipping Dots. Tho something s different now, can t lay a finger to it. Wait, I have it - it s 

become totally lame.

Homer: I know, right? You can t buy a fried anything or squoosh a penny into a worthless flat oval.

Sea Captain: Me men ll get this place into ship-shape. The finest builders what sailed the seas!

Lisa: It makes sense that sailors would know carpentry. They have to constantly repair the ship.

Sea Captain: Aye. We ll start by building a logo store to increase footfalls and up the spill-over effect.

Lisa: Okay, now it s making less sense.

Sea Captain: Sailors must also be well-versed in mall-science and neuromarketing.

/ / /

Sea Captain: T'is a start, but a short boardwalk is like a peg-leg dancing girl. If she's right there, you'll look at 'er, but ehh. Ye need to build more Boardwalk.

Homer: How do we do that? I mean, I know... but explain it slowly for the people who aren t as smart as me am.

Sea Captain: Head ye over to the Squidport Entrance and then, er... I don t know, just build it.

Sea Captain: And ye can always speed the work along with donuts!

Homer: What a surprise.

/ / /

Bart: Gather your birthday card twenties and "get well soon" fives! We're going to the Itchy and Scratchy store!

Milhouse: Yes! Luckily I went to the ER three times last month, so I m flush with cash.

/ / /

Milhouse: That place is a rip-off, Bart. This Scratchy keychain is clearly a re-painted Garfield with an ax in his head.

Bart: This Itchy and Scratchy ball bounces funny and makes my eyes water when I smell it. Also, it s stamped with the words  Warning: Not a Toy! 

Milhouse: I just found money in my other pocket.

Bart: What are we waiting for? Let s buy more crap!

/ / /

Sea Captain: Little girl, I need some supplies, where can an old salt get hands on rope and tarps?

Lisa: Are you going out to sea again?

Sea Captain: Nay, I m going to an Adele concert and wanted to unfurl a sign that says I heart her. I ve got bad seats so it has to be a big one.

Lisa: Well, the boardwalk used to have a place that sold camping supplies.

Sea Captain: And it shall again. Fall on, men -- the cheap seats await!

/ / /

Bart: What kind of store is this? Thermal underwear, waterproof matches, flares... Oh my God! This stuff is awesome!

Bart: Fires starter, exta long forks, something that turns pee into drinking water? Why haven t I always been shopping here?!

/ / /

Bart: A boy and his explosives. Is there anything more American?

/ / /

Sea Captain: Y'arr! The boardwalk is coming 'round nicely but still there's something missing.

Ned Flanders: Mr. Captain, sir? If I could offer a suggestion... a spruce or two could really, well, spruce things up!

Sea Captain: That s it exactly, matey! You gay men always have the best design advice.

Ned Flanders: Oh, I m not homosexual.

Sea Captain: Neither am I, wink-wink! Now, let s get decorating, girlfriend!

/ / /

Sea Captain: Now, me hearties! Bring her about and get her braced in broach and ye can lay to that.

Sea Captain: Because...um, at three bells...as the crow flies...er... sextant...

Lisa: Is everything okay, Sea Captain?

Sea Captain: I ve been running out of nautical jargon to pepper me conversation with. Which is hard because, ye know, it s my thing.

Lisa: You could pick up jargon from classic tales of the sea like,  Treasure Island  or  Moby Dick .

Sea Captain: Brilliant! You re like one of them, ye know, light... buildings that shine for boats and stuff when the weather is... not good...

Sea Captain: Ya rr. I d best get to readin .

/ / /

Sea Captain: Y'arr! I've learned a thing or three in me travels. Things I'd like ta share with the good folk o' Springfield.

Sea Captain: Mayhaps a cultural imports store.

Lisa: It s so wonderful that you want to expose people to the crafts and cultures of distant peoples!

Sea Captain: N arr, I jest want to fleece tourists the way the locals fleeced me everywhere I went.

Sea Captain: Maybe unload some tribal gee-gaws I got conned inta buying.

/ / /

Lisa: Ooh, an entire store filled with rainsticks! How can I choose just one?

Bart: Lis, even you have to see those things are beyond lame. It s a giant, slow rattle.

Lisa: Rainsticks were invented by the Aztecs who believed that by recreating the sound of rain, they could call forth rainstorms to water their crops.

Bart: Well, they should have invented a stick that recreated the sound of them not being conquered by the Spanish.

Lisa: Wow. That was actually historically accurate.

Bart: I perk up in class when there s ass-whoopings.

/ / /

Sea Captain: When ye're crossing a great ocean and ye got miles of time ahead of ye, it's the perfect opportunity to hone new skills.

Homer: Like what? Knot tying, knife throwing, shark punching?

Sea Captain: Nay! I was able to work up a solid stand up set.

Sea Captain: Here's my opener: We all know the difference between a Quartermaster and a Boatswain, right? 'Bout 20K a year! Ba-dum-

bump!

Homer: What language are you speaking?

Sea Captain: Y'arr, I'm still workshoppin' a lot of this.

/ / /

Sea Captain: ...and I said, "That's as useful as a tall powder monkey!"

Homer: I don't get it.

Sea Captain: If he was tall, he couldn't fit in the gunwale which would be hilarious because...aw, forget it!

Sea Captain: My quality sea-comedy's too good for the likes of you. Ye can amuse yerself with the low-rent antics of boardwallk street performers.

/ / /

Sea Captain: Now this is a boardwalk on which Ahab himself would be proud to play skeeball.

Sea Captain: The Squidport is finally ready for the placement of its crowning jewel.

Homer: Jewels? You're going to share your ill-gotten treasure booty with us!

Sea Captain: Stop calling me a pirate! I meant a metaphorical jewel. Something that will really make the Squidport shine.

Homer: A fried dough stand?

Sea Captain: Better than that.

Lisa: An Antique Book Store?

Sea Captain: Better than that.

Bart: A hundred foot tall climbing wall that you can parachute down from?

Sea Captain: Well okay, not as good as that.

/ / /

Sea Captain: Y'arr, to use an old nautical term: Ta-dah!!

Bart: That's our "jewel"? A crappy food shack?

Sea Captain: The Frying Dutchman is a charming seafood restaurant!

Bart: You sell fish sticks. That's not seafood. It's barely food-food.

Homer: *chomp* I gotta say, *gulp* the boy's right, Sea Captain, this food is...*chew*...just okay. *gulp*

Sea Captain: Did I mention it was "All-You-Can-Eat?"

Homer: Out of my way people, or risk being eaten!

/ / /

Sea Captain: Y'arr! Business is booming!

Sea Captain: Booming footsteps? Why is the ground shaking? What's that shadow falling over the threshold?

Sea Captain: Nepture help us -- there's two o' them!

Comic Book Guy: I'm here for your "All-You-Can-Eat" buffet. I have brought my own plate...which is acutally a catering pan!

Homer: Well, I brought my kids' inflatible swimming pool. It's a giant bowl you can sit in.

Comic Book Guy: Said pool looks like it deflated. You're currently just sitting and eating off the floor.

Homer: At least I'm eating.

Comic Book Guy: Touche. Make room for me.

Sea Captain: The horror. The horror...

/ / /

Sea Captain: Everything. They ate everything. All the food...even the Naugahyde off the booth.

Sea Captain: T'aren't men, tha're remorseless eatin' machines.

Comic Book Guy: Passable. I'll give it 2.5 out of 5 on my blog. By the way, I'll be paying with a Groupon.

Homer: Can I have more of these mints?

Sea Captain: Those are pebbles from the potted plant next to you.

Homer: I repeat, can I have more?

/ / /

Sea Captain: Homer, I'm beggin' ye. What can I do to have you turn your mighty eatin' power elsewhere?

Homer: Well, the only reason I even came down to the waterfront was to get some fried dough.

Sea Captain: That's it? That's all we have ta do? Yee-haw! I mean...I don't know, whatever sailors say when they're happy.

/ / /

Sea Captain: There, take it! Eat ye vast yellow whale! Eat yer fried dough! Eat like the great sucking whirlpool you are!

Homer: Hmm, you know what's funny? I'm not hungry anymore. I'm feeling kind of nappish.

/ / /

Sea Captain: Y'arr, I have depleted the ocean of all her delicious sea life.

Sea Captain: What Homer did to my restaurant, I did to Poseidon's endless wonderland. So, I can see how he'd be sore at me.

Sea Captain: It's going ta take a bit o' sweet talkin' to get the bounty of the sea flowing again.

/ / /

Sea Captain: Poseidon and Neptune have decided they will only be appeased if we build more random stores on the boardwalk.

Sea Captain: I know. I was as surprised as you. Gods, huh? Who can figure 'em out?

/ / /

Homer: Hey Apu, they just opened a turban shop! You might want to check it out.

Apu: Mr. Simpson! That is racist! Why should I have any more intreset in turbans than any other citzen of Springf--

Apu: Is that a Marathi Pheta? *bigger gasp* In saffron? I've been looking for that.

Apu: A rack of pagadis! My credit card is going to get a work-out today!

/ / /

Burns: A turban shop?

Burns: Why, I haven't worn one of these since my days in Bangladesh when I was dabbling in Colonialism.

Burns: That was back when suzerainty meant something!

/ / /

Sea Captain: Y'arr, salty air and sand have caused me tattoos to fade. That and the obsessive hand washing brought on by me OCD.

Sea Captain: Time I go in for some fresh ink!

/ / /

Bart: Whoa! There's a tattoo shop on the boardwalk now!

Bart: Kids under twelve get a discount! I'm in!

Milhouse: I want one that says, "Peanut Allergy", so I'll never have to worry about losing my medic-alert bracelet.

Bart: Okay, we're gonna do that thing again where we act like we don't know each other.

Milhouse: Yay! That's my favorite Best Friend Game!

/ / /

Bart: I've decided! I want a tattoo of Radioactive Man surfing on a wave of lava covering my entire back.

Milhouse: Whoa, is that a needle?

Bart: It looks like a needle, but I'm sure it doesn't -- Aaaaaah!

Bart: I've changed my mind! I'll just go with what we've got. Just a squiggly...dot.

Milhouse: That's gonna look cool, Bart. Especially when the scab falls off.

/ / /

Lisa: Mr. Sea Captain? As much as I love your quaint restaurant, there really aren't many breakfast options.

Sea Captain: What are ye talking about? The swim bladder of a kipper is a breakfast delicacy on Norwegian prison ships.

Lisa: Be that as it may, I think vegetarians would prefer, pretty much anything else. How about muffins?

Sea Captains: Vegetarians? Preachy blowhards! But I suppose their money's green enough. Let's build your Muffin shop!

/ / /

Moe: Muffins, eh?

Moe: I don't normally go for fancy-schmancy snacks, but maybe it's time I started treating myself to the finer things in life.

/ / /

Moe: Wait. This is a muffin! It's just a cupcake with no frosting and a whole lotta attitude.

Moe: I don't need my food acting like it's too good for me just because it is. Into the trash you go!

Moe: Hey look, a muffin from out of the trash - now that I can eat!

/ / /

Sea Captain: The gods have seen that our hearts are true and that we are trying to please them.

Sea Captain: Still, they want us to build a store whose name doesn't, in any way, explain what kind of products the store sells. They were that specific.

/ / /

Martin: The Crypto Barn: A Place for Codes. This may be my favorite store ever.

Milhouse: A place for codes? What does that even mean?

Martin: Isn't it obvious? They sell codes and code-related supplies. All kinds of codes: Computer, Moral, health...

Milhouse: Wow, this is great!

Martin: I know, I could spend hours and hours here!

Milhouse: No, the store sucks, it's great that I've finally found someone dorkier than me.

/ / /

Sea Captain: Y'arr, let the bells ring out! The Sea Gods have accepted our offering! The oceans are once again roiling with bountiful sea life. And we are killing it as fast as we can.

Sea Captain: And best of all, my restaurant is turning a moderate profit, all thanks to my renewed humility and mindfulness.

Sea Captain: And the sign I put over the door: "No Fatties!"

Homer: D'oh!

==========================================================



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6.3. KRUSTYLAND

==========================================================

This is a guide for the Krustyland quests.



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 1

1. Place the Krustyland Shuttle

2. Tap the Shuttle and go to Krustyland

Cost: $50000

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: $100/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 2

Make Homer Cleanup Krustyland

Cost: Free

Time: 6 seconds

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 3

Build the Krustyland Entrance

Cost: 20 tickets

Time: 6 seconds

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 4

Place Krustyland Paths x4

Cost: Free

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 5

Place the Ring Toss Stall

Cost: 35 tickets

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 6

1. Make Cletus Run the Ring Toss Stall

2. Make Homer Play at the Ring Toss Stall x3

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: task 1: 12 hours; task 2: 4 hours each

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 7

Build the Death Drop

Cost: 300 tickets

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 8

1. Make Bart Ride the Death Drop x2

2. Make Lisa Ride the Death Drop

3. Make Milhouse Ride the Death Drop

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks: 1-3: 30 minutes each

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 9

Buy a Krustyland Expansion

Cost: 250 tickets

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 10

Reach Level 21 and Build Krustyland Burger

Cost: 650 tickets

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 11

1. Make Homer Eat at Krustyland Burger

2. Make Bart Ride the Death Drop

3. Make Milhouse Eat at Krustyland Burger

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks 1-3: 30 minutes

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 12

1. Place the Knock Over the Fuzzy Guy Stall

2. Make Martin Try Knock Over the Fuzzy Guy

Cost: task 1: 500 tickets; task 2: Free

Time: task 1: No Wait; task 2: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 13

Reach Level 27 and Build Sleeping Itchy's Castle

Cost: 1000 tickets

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 14

Make Krusty Get Serious

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 15

Place Sideshow You

Cost: 1000 tickets

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 16

Reach Level 23 and Build the Gift Shop

Cost: 1750 tickets

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Comic Book Guy

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 17

Make Comic Book Guy Visit the Gift Shop

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 18

Place Garbage Bins x3

Cost: 100 Krustyland Tickets each

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 19

Make Wiggum Collect Krustyland Bribes

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Wiggum

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 20

1. Make Wiggum Eat at Krustyland Burger

2. Make Wiggum Take Part in a Sing-Along

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: task 1: 30 minutes; task 2: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 21

Reach Level 24 and Build Radioactive Man: The Ride

Cost: 2500 tickets

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 22

1. Make Comic Book Guy Ride the Radioactive Man Ride

2. Make Bart Ride the Radioactive Man Ride

3. Make Milhouse Ride the Radioactive Man Ride

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: tasks 1-3: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Comic Book Guy

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 23

Hire a Krustyland Mascot

Cost: 2500 tickets for Poochie; 60 donuts for Itchy or Scratchy

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Comic Book Guy

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Poochie/Itchy/Scratchy



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 24

Reach Level 25 and Build the Food Needle

Cost: 5000 tickets

Time: 1 day and 12 hours

Who Starts It: Comic Book Guy

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 25

Make Comic Book Guy Eat at the Food Needle

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Comic Book Guy

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 26

Reach Level 27 and Build the Wet-and-Smoky Stunt Show

Cost: 7500 tickets

Time: 1 day and 12 hours

Who Starts It: Nelson

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 27

1. Make Nelson Watch the Stunt Show

2. Make Lisa Watch the Stunt Show

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Nelson

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 28

Place a Cotton Candy Stand

Cost: 400 tickets

Time: No Wait

Who Starts It: Nelson

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 29

Build Krusty's Haunted Condo

Cost: 10000 Krustyland Tickets

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Nelson

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 30

1. Make Lisa Tour the Haunted Condo

2. Make Nelson Tour the Haunted Condo

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Nelson

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 31

Reach Level 27 and Build Scratchy's Flea Dipper

Cost: 12000 tickets

Time: 1 day and 12 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 32

1. Make Nelson Ride Scratchy's Flea Dipper

2. Make Lisa Watch the Stunt Show

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Nelson

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 33

Reach Level 26 and Build the Viking Boat

Cost: 16000 Krustyland Tickets

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Carl

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 34

1. Make Carl Ride the Viking Boat

2. Make Lenny Ride the Viking Boat

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 35

1. Make Carl Eat at the Food Needle

2. Make Lenny Eat at the Food Needle

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Carl

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 36

Build the Krustyland Hotel

Cost: 20000 Krustyland Tickets

Time: 2 days

Who Starts It: Comic Book Guy

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 37

1. Make Lenny Stay at the Krustyland Hotel

2. Make Carl Stay at the Krustyland Hotel

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 38

Build the Duff Pavilion

Cost: 25000 Krustyland Tickets

Time: 1 day and 12 hours

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 39

Make Homer Visit the Duff Pavilion

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 40

Build the Tooth Chipper

Cost: 32000 Krustyland Tickets

Time: 5 days

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE KRUSTY-EST PLACE ON EARTH PT. 41

Make Bart Ride the Tooth Chipper

Cost: Free

Time: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



A Day in the Knife + The Princess and the Pea-Brain are available at Level 43.



A DAY IN THE KNIFE

1. Build Tavern on the Scream

2. Make Homer Eat at Tavern on the Scream

3. Make Bart Eat at Tavern on the Scream

Cost: task 1: 1500 tickets; tasks 2-3: Free

Time: task 1: 24 hours; tasks 2 and 3: 3 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets



THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA-BRAIN PT. 1

1. Place Balloons x2

2. Reach Level 43 and Build Krusty's Giant Wheel

Cost: task 1: 1000 tickets for Poochie Parade Balloon or 1250 tickets for Scratchy Balloon; task 2: 4000 tickets for Giant Wheel

Time: task 1: No Wait; task 2: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP + 25 XP for unlocking Penelope



THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA-BRAIN PT. 2

Send Park Goers to Ride Krusty's Giant Wheel x10

Cost: Free

Time: 2 hours each

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA-BRAIN PT. 3

1. Place some Krustyland Flowers x10

2. Make Princess Penelope Play a Princess Song

Cost: task 1: 100 tickets each; task 2: Free

Time: task 1: No Wait; task 2: 8 hours each

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: 25 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA-BRAIN PT. 4

Make Penelope and Krusty Take a Ride on Krusty's Giant Wheel

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Penelope

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA-BRAIN PT. 5

Make Krusty Recover from a small Heart Attack

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA-BRAIN PT. 6

Make Krusty Recover from a small Heart Attack

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA-BRAIN PT. 7

Make Krusty and Penelope Play Poker

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA-BRAIN PT. 8

1. Make Marge and Lisa Go to a Princess Penelope Concert

2. Make Penelope Perform at a Concert

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA-BRAIN PT. 9

Make Marge Cover Lisa's Eyes

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Marge

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA-BRAIN PT. 10

Make Krusty Recover from a small Heart Attack

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Krusty

Reward: 20 Krustyland Tickets/10 XP



DIALOGUE

Krusty: Ugh. Can someone tell me why the same dogs run every race at our track?

Krusty: And why, given that, a TV clown would blow his entire fortune betting on said races?

Lisa: Krusty? You're broke?

Krusty: No, broke means you have zero. I am millions in debt. If I was only broke, I'd be the richest jerk on earth.

Bart: Why don't you just re-open Krustyland and make your money back?

Krusty: Krustyland is a mess. They never tell you how expensive the "maintenance" part of a theme park is.

Krusty: Or how when you don't pay "maintenance", and one ride topples onto another ride and careens into a crowded midway, it can also be expensive.

Bart: Then again, rebuilding Krustyland would be a great way to waste time, and keep people from focusing on more important tasks like work and school.

Krusty: Anything I can do to harm America's productivity. Let's do it!

Lisa: Isn't Krustyland way out of town? How will we get there?

Krusty: Leave that to me! By which I mean, the Sky Finger. Get to it, chump!

/ / /

Krusty: The only Krustyland is a dump. Where am I gonna find a schmuck fakakta enough to clean up this mess.

Homer: Ooh, Yiddish -- that often leads to Latkes.

Krusty: Hey hey! Welcome to Krustyland!

Krusty: Step right up to our newest attraction: Grab That Girder Over There and Drag It, Then Every Other Girder, to Somewhere the Truck Can Get to Them More Easily!

Homer: Long name. Sounds fun!

/ / /

Homer: I gotta say, Krusty, the girder-dragging ride at Disneyland is better.

Homer: And why reward me with these stupid tickets? A guy like me is used to getting paid in cold, hard pretend money.

Krusty: Those are Krustyland Tickets! They're like money but more...fun! Hoo Hoo Ha Ha!

Krusty: Also, you're going to need those tickets to rebuild the Krustyland Entrance. So hand'em over!

/ / /

Krusty: The harder it is for people to find their way around a theme park, the less time they spend on its fragile, deadly rides.

Krusty: I need a boneheaded, twisting counterintuitive layout for this place. Where's that guy from before?

Homer: Hi, Mr. The Klown -- I'm that guy from before. I want to once again lodge a complaint about being paid in your personal scrip instead of money.

Krusty: And I look forward to that conversation. Right after you try our latest attraction: Build A Path!

/ / /

Homer: You know, this theme park is starting to feel a lot like work.

Krusty: But, if I may finish that thought, it's all worth it when you get your payout of Krustyland Tickets.

Homer: Is that how that thought finishes? Well, I guess I can't tell my thoughts what to think. Okay, what's next?

Krusty: Now comes the important stuff.

Krusty: The rides are just a way to bring customers -- or, as we call them in the industry, "Fat Dummies Deserving of What They Get" -- into the park.

Homer: I didn't know we had a nickname! Pretty sweet.

Krusty: But it's the rigged, unwinnable midway games where you make the real dough.

/ / /

Krusty: Okay, Homer, are you ready to run the Ring Toss stall?

Homer: Run it? But I want to play!

Krusty: Don't waste your time...the rings aren't big enough to land on any of the prizes.

Homer: Looks easy enough. Just watch. *clink* Whoops. Okay, just one more. *clink*

Homer: One more. *clink* One more...

Krusty: Ugh. Looks like I'm going to need someone else to run the stall.

/ / /

Bart: Krusty, you haven't rebuilt my favorite ride yet. Where's the infamous Death Drop?

Bart: You didn't shut it down just because of one tiny little class action lawsuit filed by five thousand hospitalized children?

Lisa: Ugh. Maybe that one's better left unbuilt.

Krusty: Actually, it was our safest ride.

/ / /

Bart: The Death Drop is ready! Just look at all that beautiful rust. Race you to it!

Milhouse: I don't know, Bart. It looks like a big kid ride.

Milhouse: Well I suppose I could try it once...if Lisa holds my hand.

Lisa: On the off chance that we survive this ride, no way. I'd never respect my hand again.

/ / /

Lisa: I think I'm done for now...what about you, Milhouse?

Lisa: Milhouse?

Milhouse: *vomiting*

/ / /

Homer: We've run out of room to build.

Homer: Guess I'll go back to my regular jobs, of which there are now so many it's a real pain to scroll down the list and find the one you want.

Krusty: Krustyland is out of room? Then you're in luck -- there's a job for that!

/ / /

Homer: All this work is making me hungry. Where can I get some food?

Krusty: We could probably scrape together a decent Krusty Burger from what's in the freezer.

Krusty: Yup, there's still some "meat" in there.

Homer: Mmmmm...scraped, quotation-marks meat.

/ / /

Homer: Woo Hoo! Krusty Burger, here I come!

Milhouse: Hey, Bart! Let's grab a Laffy Meal! It comes with a toy from the movie Green Lantern 2: Seriously, a Second Green Lantern?

Bart: I'll go on the Death Drop while you eat a Laffy Meal. We'll see who barfs first!

/ / /

Bart: Hey, what gives?

Bart: People have been on these rides all day and nobody's dead. We've come to expect a good deal more maiming from our beloved Krustyland.

Bart: I don't want to grow up to be one of those guys who doesn't have a childhood story about the kid he knew who died at an amusement park.

Martin: Hello, Bartholomew! Fancy a go on the ol' Death Drop with yours truly?

Bart: Come on, Krusty -- if Martin's having fun in your park, you KNOW you're doing something wrong!

Krusty: Everybody chill out.

Krusty: If you want excitement, if you want hair-raising peril, just wait 'til you see my next attraction...the Knock Over the Fuzzy Guy Stall!

Bart: Oy vey.

/ / /

Homer: Hey! Who are all these people?

Krusty: The dregs of humanity...or as we call them here at Krustyland, customers.

Krusty: As we rebuild Krustyland there's gonna be more and more of these losers streaming in.

Homer: I don't follow...

Krusty: As you improve Krustyland, the park's rating on the Krust-O-Meter goes up.

Krusty: A higher Krust-O-Meter rating means more paying customers!

Lisa: So you're saying as the Krust-O-Meter increases, more people will show up at the park?

Krusty: Yep, and when they use the rides they'll accumulate tickets. Just tap on them to collect!

Homer: Free tickets? What a meaningless enticement. Count me in!

/ / /

Martin: Take THAT!...and THAT!

Cletus: Ow! Hey! You're only allowed to throw balls at the little men!

Martin: I'm sorry, Mr. Carney. I have a lot of pent-up anger due to my unpopularity and constant targeting by bullies at school.

Bart: Maybe you should look for a doctor, Martin.

Martin: Thank you, Bart. That's excellent advice.

Hibbert: Ow! Hey! Who's throwing balls at me?

/ / /

Bart: Krusty, you've lost your edge.

Krusty: Don't say that, kid! I'm an afternoon TV clown.

Krusty: If I'm not making my living on the bleeding edge, my audience of six-year-olds will find someone who is!

Krusty: Here, you want danger? You want risk? How about...

/ / /

Krusty: Okay, I admit it! The new Krustyland is safe, family-friendly, and all the other horrible things you say!

Krusty: The guy I suckered into building it just did too good a job. And now I have to find a way to live with the excellent results.

Krusty: I never wanted to be in the business of pleasing people, but that's the hand I was dealt.

Krusty: So, I'm going with it -- Krustyland is going to be the People-Pleasing-est Place On Earth!

Krusty: I'm going to be the first clown in history to make people happy!

/ / /

Homer: Hey, I think this Ring Toss game is RIGGED!

Krusty: I've told you that a hundred times! Look, forget it. From now on, no more cheating our schmucks. I mean, our "valued customers".

Krusty: Though it makes my pancake makeup-caked skin to say it, let's build a game that isn't rigged. A real people-pleaser.

/ / /

Krusty: Now any jerk -- I mean "respected patron" -- can waltz in and get free Tickets.

Homer: Don't mind if I do!

/ / /

Comic Book Guy: Excuse me? I wish to commemorate my visit here by purchasing Krustyland collectibles. Where are they for sale?

Krusty: Uh, nowhere. I'm trying this new thing where I treat my customers good. And everyone knows collectibles are a huge rip-off, right?

Comic Book Guy: On the contrary. With the rise of the modern nerd, limited-edition plastic crap is now a safer investment than gold.

Comic Book Guy: I have a mint-in-box vinyl-caped Jaws that is worth more than Delaware.

Comic Book Guy: Besides, shopping is all this country is good at anymore. Might as well play to our strengths.

Krusty: One shop, coming up!

/ / /

Krusty: Hey, you seem to know a lot about theme parks. You want to help me make Krustyland the best it can be?

Comic Book Guy: Not now, I'm shopping for toys.

Krusty: Right. But I'm offering you a highly-paid--

Comic Book Guy: SHOPPING!

/ / /

Krusty: Uhh, these people are pigs! There's trash all over the place!

Lisa: Maybe we should build some garbage cans. And a recycling station, so peopleb can reduce their carbon footprints.

Krusty: Recycling? Isn't that what you do to jokes, gags and bits?

Lisa: You can also do it to trash.

Krusty: Sounds expensive. Let's stick with the garbage cans.

/ / /

Wiggum: Hold on just a seond there, Krusty.

Wiggum: I'm here to inspect your rides. And if I know Krustyland, they're not going to be up to snuff.

Wiggum: I just hope SOMEONE doesn't leave an evelope of money lying around, where it easily could bribe me.

Krusty: Actually, Chief, the fella who rebuilt all my rides did a great job. It feels weird to say this, but I think my park is legal.

Wiggum: Oh. Well, that stinks. What's the point in haing lawmen if they're not out there on the street collecting bribes?

Krusty: If you like, I could fake-bribe you with near-worthless park tickets.

Wiggum: Gee, would ya? That'd be swell.

/ / /

Wiggum: So, I can spend these tickets anywhere in Krustyland, right?

Krusty: Anywhere at all! Blackout dates apply, some attractions excluded, prices subject to the whims of an oft-drunk clown.

Wiggum: Sounds great!

/ / /

Krusty: Listen, Comic Book Guy. You know theme parks. How would you rate mine?

Comic Book Guy: I absolutely love it. One-and-a-half stars.

Krusty: Yikes. That's kinda harsh.

Comic Book Guy: Well, your rides are dated. They move too much.

Comic Book Guy: A truly first-rate modern ride is where you sit in a fake car and watch a 3-D movie that almost convinces you you're moving in real life.

Krusty: That's moronic!

Comic Book Guy: Also, you need to have a tie-in to a successful movie. Or, as a last resort, a long-running primetime animated TV show.

Krusty: But what money-grubbing TV cartoon would be desperate enough to lend its good name to a ride where you only pretend to be on a ride?

Comic Book Guy: A good point. Surely that would never happen. Well, we can always try for a movie tie-in.

/ / /

Comic Book Guy: I doubt these seats will support my ample frame, but as Radioactive Man would say "up and atom."

Comic Book Guy: ...except, of course, in issue 37 where his catchphrase was erroneously printed as "up and at 'em."

Bart: Cool! A Radioactive Man ride! Let's go Milhouse!

Comic Book Guy: Gah! Children at a theme park? Is no place sacred?

/ / /

Comic Book Guy: I have discovered another glaring omission in your park -- no mascots.

Comic Book Guy: Children and creepy adults need someone to sign their autograph books.

Krusty: Right, right. I always get my mascot guys on loan from the prison. Cons work cheap, and they're used to wearing masks.

/ / /

Comic Book Guy: And now a subject that is near and dear to my heart: food.

Krusty: No offense, but food is obviously near and dear to every other part of you, too.

/ / /

Comic Book Guy: All of this consulting has left me famished.

I will now sample the Food Needle's offerings, which Yelp! describes as: "technically edible," and "clown-quality food."

Krusty: My favorite review? "The owner is washed-up. Too bad the tableware isn't." Tough but accurate.

/ / /

Nelson: One ticket for the Wet-and-Smokey Stunt Show, please. I want to see Orky the Orca ride a dirt bike.

Homer: We haven't built that yet. Come back in twenty-four hours.

Nelson: I don't think you understand.

Nelson: I enjoy watching marine animals struggle to do people things in exchange for fish. I enjoy it very much. So make it happen.

Homer: And what if I don't?

Nelson: Then you won't progress any further in this dumb game.

Homer: I guess it's true what they say -- the best bullying comes from a place of honesty.

/ / /

Lisa: Nelson, don't you find forcing animals to do tricks kind of...cruel?

Nelson: I never really thought about it. But yeah, the cruelty's probably what makes it so great.

Nelson: Also, sometimes you get splashed by a gazillion tons of water. You want to check it out with me?

Lisa: The animal activist in me says no...but the eight-year-old in me is intrigued by this splashing you speak of.

/ / /

Nelson: See, Lisa? I told you the water show was fun.

Lisa: It was a chilling display of man's heartlessness towards his animal brethren.

Lisa: And we got soaked!

Lisa: You want to get some cotton candy?

Nelson: Sure! I mean...sure, whatever. I guess.

/ / /

Nelson: So, what do you want to do now?

Lisa: I read on the internet that there's going to be a haunted house in Krustyland...

Lisa: ...but according to the data-mined text files, it's not being released until level 150!

Nelson: Don't worry -- I can bully anything.

Nelson: Hey, game! I'm gonna count down from five...

Nelson: ...and if I don't have that ride when I get to zero, I'm going to mess up your save file.

Nelson: 5...

Nelson: 4...

Nelson: 3...

Nelson: 2...

In-Game Message: Congratulations, you just unlocked Krusty's Haunted Condo!

Nelson: That's more like it.

/ / /

Nelson: Right now, I feel like I could beat up the whole world.

Nelson: I guess what I'm trying to say is, even though all girls are super-lame and have garbage personalities, if ever one wasn't the worst, it'd be you.

Nelson: Or whatever.

Lisa: Awww...

/ / /

Lisa: Wow. The Haunted Condo really scared you, huh, Nelson? You're shaking like a leaf, and you're wearing your warmest vest.

Nelson: I don't like ghosts. If you try to punch one, your hand goes right through it. How does one bully that which cannot be pounded upon?

Lisa: Huh. That's actually a very insightful answer.

Nelson: Shut up! YOU'RE an insightful answer!

Lisa: Why thank you.

Nelson: What -- did I say something nice? I hate when I do that. Let's just stick to normal rides from now on.

/ / /

Nelson: Lisa, I'm getting on the Flea Dipper now, and I don't want you to follow.

Lisa: Are you breaking up with me?

Nelson: These last few missions we've shared have made me very happy...but that's something a bully can never be. Anger is my livelihood.

Lisa: I have to admit it -- you seem calmer. More rational.

Nelson: The technical term is "wussified," and it has to stop. The weak need to be tormented, and the job falls to me. Goodbye, Lisa.

/ / /

Carl: Hey, how come there's no Viking Boat ride at Krustyland?

Krusty: I 'unno. Because shut up?

Carl: Hey, I'm Icelandic. If you don't put in a Viking Boat ride, that's discrimination!

Lenny: And I'm his friend, so I'm being discriminated, too!

Lenny: Maybe we should tell the press Krustyland is prejudiced against both Icelanders and friends.

Comic Book Guy: Quickly, appease them! Bad publicity is death to a theme park! Just ask PaulaDeenWorld, KidnapLand, and Universal Studios: Jalalabad!

Krusty: Sure, whatever. But this whole deal was a lot more fun when I hated my customers.

/ / /

Krusty: All right, I finished your dumb ride. Up you go.

Carl: Oh, I never ride Viking Boats. Not with my stomach. I just wanted to make you build one.

Krusty: I said, GET ON THE BOAT.

Lenny: Are you aiming a gun at us?

Krusty: I sure am. And I'm prepared to use it. Maybe even make jokes about it. Or the organization that lobbies on behalf of it.

Carl: Look, shoot us if you want. But don't make a joke at the NRA's expense. They can't take it, and I don't want to listen to their whining.

Krusty: Yeah, you'd think people with guns would have thicker skin. But you're still getting on that boat.

/ / /

Carl: Hey, Krusty! How come there's no vegetarian options on your menu? You got something against Buddhists?

Lenny: Once again, we're feeling pretty discriminitized.

Krusty: Fellas, please. I'll let you in on a secret. If you want vegetarian, order the Meatlover's Meatgasm. There's not actually any meat in it.

Krusty: Unless you consider a really, really smart fungus to be meat.

/ / /

Comic Book Guy: And now for the final element that every great theme park needs -- an attached hotel and convention center.

Krusty: Wait a second. It's one thing to have to be nice to people all day, but now I have to be nice to them all night too?

/ / /

Krusty: I've done everything you asked. I've built a world-class theme park...and I've never been so miserable.

Comic Book Guy: Only one thing remains --

Carl: We'd like a room for the night in the Krustyland Hotel, please.

Krusty: Hold on a second!

Krusty: What do you mean, one thing remains? I thought I was done.

Comic Book Guy: Now you simply need to work 24-7 to ensure that Krustyland upholds the high standards I've set.

Comic Book Guy: Making sure that each and every guest has a magical stay and leaves completely satisfied.

Lenny: A room, please?

Krusty: SHUT UP!

Krusty: Aw, that's it. I'm not going to spend my life making other people happy.

Krusty: I'm a clown! I'm in it for the money! Krustyland is going back to the dump it was!

Carl: Excuse me?

Krusty: Here! Take the room!

/ / /

Krusty: Homer! Hey, Homer! I'm fed up with the quality of your work!

Homer: I thought I was doing a great job!

Krusty: That's the problem! Krustyland isn't Disneyland -- we're crap and we're proud.

Krusty: The only thrill my ancient rides can possibly offer is not knowing if you're going to survive them.

Krusty: If they're assembled right, with bolts and screws and following instructions, where's the fun? I need you to do a crappier job!

Krusty: And to help with that, how about we build a new attraction: a "Crappy-Job-Doer-Enabler," if you will.

/ / /

Homer: Woo hoo! Beer, here I come!

Krusty: Drink up, pal! That's the finest beer Duff has to offer...for what I was willing to pay.

Krusty: Which was virtually nothing. I'm saying it's not good beer. Swill. Really.

Homer: Hmmm...it's bland, watery, colorless, odorless...

Homer: Just the way a true American likes it!

/ / /

Homer: Thanks for the too much beer, Bozo. Whaddaya want [hic!] me to build now?

Krusty: Only our most dangerous, intricate, and poorly-designed right...the Tooth Chipper!

Homer: Okey-dokie. Do you have a toolbox or something? If I'm building a rollercoaster, I could use a good sledgehammer.

Krusty: Now, now. If Drunky has a wrench, Drunky might screw the bolts together too tight. And we don't want that.

/ / /

Bart: I can't believe it -- the fabled Tooth Chipper. The ride that killed three Presidents...The only coaster designed by a team of serial killers...

Bart: Let me at it!

Krusty: You were right about my park, kid. And if you're getting on the Chipper...it was nice knowing ya!

Bart: See you on the other side!

/ / /

Krusty: Looks like Krustyland is finally back to her former glory...and posting in the black for a change, too.

Homer: Wait, what am I supposed to do with all these extra Tickets?

Lisa: Dad, didn't you know you can exchange them at the Krustyland Entrance?

Homer: You mean I can cash this fake virtual money in for real virtual money?!

Homer: Woo-Hoo!

/ / /

Homer: Why'd you bring me to Krustyland? Keg explosion at the Duff Pavilion?

Bart: I want to get an unhappy meal at Tavern on the Scream.

Bart: It comes with a figurine of dead Scratchy regretting he'll never get to see his kids grow up.

Homer: But we'd have to build it first!

Bart: Can't we just make some other schmuck do it?

Homer: Ooh, good idea!

/ / /

Homer: I love the fake names on this menu.

Homer: Guts-pacho soup....

Homer: Spine-akopita...

Homer: Intestine spaghetti and spleenballs. Waiter, do you have a recommendation?

Squeaky Voiced Teen: I suggest Salmonella-tainted Chicken.

Homer: Such a funny fake name.

Squeaky Voiced Teen: That one s not fake.

/ / /

Krusty: Get me my lawyer! The Krustyland Shuttle has an advertisement for a new feature called "Princess Penelop's Palace".

Krusty: I never ordered that!

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Remember when you were going to marry Princess Penelope? Well, in your prenup you gave her 50% of Krustyland.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: And now she wants control.

Krusty: But I never even married her!

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Turns out "marriage" wasn't a requirement.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: I guess I did a pretty bad job negotiating that prenup. But I was in love with love!

Krusty: I hope you at least got me something in return.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: She agreed to wait until you reached age 70 to get the remaining half.

Krusty: Good work. My doctor says there's no way I'm living past 63.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Princess Penelope also wishes to expand the appeal of the Park with a couple of new "family friendly" attractions.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Think more balloon, less beer.

Krusty: What?! She's pretty demanding for a 27 year old non-ex-wife in an overpriced dollar store costume.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: And she'll also need you to build a giant wheel in her honor.

Krusty: OH FOR THE LOVE OF...

/ / /

Krusty: I was in love with Princess Penelope, and she dumped me like poop from a cruise ship.

Krusty: She can have her stupid "palace", but I never want to see her face again.

Krusty: Wait, what the hell is that?

Blue-Haired Lawyer: We're projecting her giant face on low-flying clouds.

Krusty: Turn it off!

Blue-Haired Lawyer: It's doubled park attendance.

Krusty: Turn it on!

/ / /

Penelope: Hello, Krusty. I hope you're not still mad I broke off our relationship.

Krusty: Actually, it's real nice to see you.

Krusty: And I gotta say you've really fixed up this piece of crap theme park.

Penelope: Well, I just planted some flowers around the crap pieces.

Krusty: Oh, I love flowers. Lotus blossoms, opium poppies, 'shrooms. They're flowers, right?

Penelope: Let's plant some together. And afterwards, I'll stroke your brow and sing you your favorite song.

Krusty: "You're A Cuddly Wuddly Krusty"? Oh boy!

/ / /

Penelope: Krusty, we need to talk. Can we go somewhere quiet and safe?

Krusty: Not in Krustyland.

Penelope: Let's take a ride on the giant wheel. At least we'll be above the never-ending smell of churros.

Krusty: Actually, I installed churro scent nozzles in every car on the giant wheel.

Krusty: Half the park income comes from churros. Interesting fact.

/ / /

Krusty: So why'd you ask me on that rickety death ride, the park's safest and most modern attraction?

Penelope: I had something dramatic to tell you, but I was a little nervous!

Krusty: Well, spit it out!

Penelope: We have a son!

Krusty: A son?! Glurg.

/ / /

Penelope: I named him after you and me: Schmoikel Mountbatten Hapsburg Hohenzollern Mulan Pocahontas.

Krusty: Well, at least there won't be any other kids with the same name in his kindergarten class.

Penelope: Oh, he's not in kindergarten. He's 25.

Krusty: But you're only 27. How is that possible?

Penelope: I dunno. Maybe he didn't play enough freemium mobile games. Nothing keeps you young like playing freemium mobile games.

Krusty: That's extremely unlikely.

Penelope: Well, if anyone has another explanation, tweet it to #TappedOutSchmoikel. If we think your idea is funny, we might give you something special, like, I don't know, a GAZILLION donuts!

Krusty: Fat chance! Anyway, let's assume we've got a grown-up son and get on with the story.

/ / /

Krusty: So what's this son of mine like, anyway?

Penelope: He's obese, a high school dropout, and has recurring jaundice.

Penelope: He spends his days playing weird board games with his friends and he likes to kiss me on the lips.

Krusty: *groan* When woman tell me they've had my secret baby, they never say "and he's a genius".

Penelope: He just needs someone to give him a job with some real responsibility.

Penelope: Of course, if you did that, he'd probably be so busy you'd never see him.

Krusty: You had me at "never see him"!

Penelope: ...That's why I've decided we should put him in charge of Krustyland!

Krusty: Glurg!

/ / /

Krusty: As long as I own half of Krustyland, I'm not putting some kid in charge.

Krusty: This is a job for a sensible adult who can make reasoned, mature decisions.

Penelope:Then how about we play a hand of poker. Winner gets all of Krustyland.

Krusty: A crazy gamble? Done.

/ / /

Krusty: I can't believe I lost.

Penelope:That's because  three of the same color  isn't a poker hand.

Krusty: Don't tell the monkey that. It's the only way I ever beat him.

Krusty: Well, you own all the park now. Have fun with it. You'll be the first person who ever did.

/ / /

Lisa: Wow, I love what Krusty's son has done with Krustyland.

Lisa: Especially for a guy that never appears.

Marge: It's so clean! He's even added a private room for nursing mothers, instead of that bench next to where guys line up to get into the men's toilet.

Lisa:I like how instead of sullen teens manning the food kiosks, it's now disengaged hipsters.

Terri: Come on! Princess Penelope is giving a free concert at Sleeping Itchy's Castle.

Terri: I'm gonna whip myself into a princess frenzy and then go nuts at the Enchanted Cave of Tie-In Merchandise.

Marge: Isn t this nice? Princess Penelope is playing guitar and singing in a carriage.

Marge: Wait. Where did that driving beat drop from?

Terri: Who are all those male dancers?

Terri: Why is she ripping off her dress?

Marge: She's Alaska Nebraska-ing her kid-friendly image!

/ / /

Krusty: I gotta say, our kid's done a great job with Krustyland.

Penelope:We learned a valuable lesson about parenting too.

Krusty: Yeah. Stay out of the picture for 25 years, then give them everything you own, and things will be fine.

Krusty: It worked for Rupert Murdoch.

Krusty: Will I ever actually get to see my 25 year old son?

Penelope:No, Krusty. He's returned to where he came from: the Land of People Who Are Only Needed for Plot Points. It's next to MacGuffin Island.

Penelope:You know. I've reserved the penthouse at the Krustyland Hotel.

Penelope:It comes with two white tigers.

Penelope:Would you like to be the third...?

Krusty: Shmlug

/ / /

In-Game Message: You unlocked a new job for Princess Penelope! You can now send her to Sleep in the Penthouse with Two White Tigers.

==========================================================



==========================================================

7. FRIEND POINTS

==========================================================

Frink: Mhoyvin! I see you've found my newest invention -- the "Frink Point"!

Frink: You'll get one every time you interact with something in other Springfields. With the tapping and the reading and the waiting too long for loading.

Homer: What's in it for me?

Frink: I'm glad you asked, my good man! Science has learned that interacting with other humans improves your quality of life, it may, in fact, extend your life.

Homer: That's nice, but I'd really rather get some kind of imaginary prize or doodad for doing stuff.

Frink: *sigh* Doodads, always with the doodads.

Frink: Actually, they're called FRINK points. F-R-I-N-K. Sometimes people mis-hear me 'cause of my Hoy-vin acent.

Homer: Actually, "Friend Points" has a nice ring to it, let's call it that.

Frink: But I'm the inventor, and you're just some guy. So I think we both know who gets to name the points.

In-Game Message: Collect Friend Points today!



FP Amount:

first set of 30 friend actions - 10 FP

second set of 30 friend actions - 5 FP

third set of 30 friend actions - 4 FP

fourth set of 30 friend actions - 2 FP

next set of 179 friend actions - 1 FP



FP Prizes:

FP Prizes are collected in the order shown below:



1. OLMEC HEAD - 1000 FP

DIALOGUE

Homer: Hey it's...that thing! I missed ignoring that.



2. SNOWBALL II - 2000 FP

25 XP for unlocking Snowball II



3. SINGING SIRLOIN - 2000 FP

THE SINGING SIRLOIN

Make Moe Sing at the Singing Sirloin

Cost: Free

Time: 3 Hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



DIALOGUE

Homer: The Singing Sirloin is offering free steak to anyone who'll sing a couple of songs on stage.

Moe: What? Really? I can sing!

Moe: Although I've never really tried, and I have a weird voice, and no sense of pitch.

Moe: But I assume I'm great.

Moe: Plus there's free steak. Steak and people admiring me. I'll be like Donald Trump except people will like me!

/ / /

Homer: So, Moe. How'd it go?

Moe: Not so good. Apparently, I'm even more repellent when I sing. Something about not being able to block me out by closing their eyes.



4. HOMER'S CAR - 2000 FP

Homer: Well it took you long enough, all this walking can't be good for my health.

Homer: Now, I just have to wait for my keys to unlock.



5. STAMPY - 5000 FP

PACHYDERM PIGGYBACK

Make Stampy Carry Bart

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Bart

Reward: $100/10 XP



DIALOGUE

Bart: Whoa ho ho! I can't believe Stampy is here!

Lisa: Well, when you blow up a town, you tend to blow up the wildlife reservations within it.

Bart: Who's a good elephant? Wanna go for walkie!



6. E.A.R.L. - 50000 FP

DIALOGUE

Homer: Hey, remember that time I went crazy and made you run ship ground?

Sea Captain: Arr, I do. The nightmares still haunt me every night. Sometimes I think it would have been if I had died.

Homer: Yeah, good times. Well, it's been great catching up!



7. CAPITAL CITY GOOFBALL - 3000 FP

25 XP for unlocking Capital City Goofball



8. COOL LISA - 5000 FP

25 XP for unlocking Cool Lisa costume



COOL INTENTIONS PT. 1

Make Cool Lisa Be Cool

Cost: Free

Time: 60 minutes

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



COOL INTENTIONS PT. 2

Make Cool Lisa Hang with Cool Kids

Cost: Free

Time: 8 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



COOL INTENTIONS PT. 3

Make Cool Lisa Sneak in Some Homework

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



COOL INTENTIONS PT. 4

1. Reach Level 12 and Build Bart's Treehouse

2. Make Bart Skateboard

3. Make Cool Lisa Attempt to Skateboard

Cost: tasks 1-3: Free

Time: task 1: No Wait; task 2-3: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



COOL INTENTIONS PT. 5

Make Cool Lisa Heckle Bart During Recess

Cost: Free

Time: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



COOL INTENTIONS PT. 6

1. Make Cool Lisa Hang Out at Krusty Burger

2. Make Bart Hang Out at Krusty Burger

Cost: tasks 1 and 2: Free

Time: tasks 1 and 2: 24 hours

Who Starts It: Lisa

Reward: $100/10 XP



DIALOGUE

Lisa: Okay, I ve got cool clothes, a slouchy walk, and I ve rehearsed a  cool kid  dialect. I will scientifically determine if a self-described  nerd  can be perceived as  cool  simply by emulating a cool kid.

/ / /

Otto: Hey, how s it going?

Lisa: Uh, you know...like, whatever.

Otto: Right on!

Lisa: He responded with slang. I m in!

/ / /

Lisa: Amazing! Cool kids have actually come to my house to hang out. I ll finally get to see what  hanging out  is....Who knew all I had to do was act uninterested in everything to make kids interested in me!

/ / /

Cool Kid: Hey, Lisa. Whose room is this? It looks like some brainiac sax player who s really into medieval stuff.

Lisa: Oh, that s my dorky brother Bartholomew s room. Also, that stuff is from the Renaissance. Whatever, doesn t matter, I certainly don t think of them as two very distinct time periods.

/ / /

Lisa: While no one is looking, I ll catch up on some studying just so my grades don t suffer. Oh, who am I kidding, I miss it. C mere, books!

/ / /

Cool Kid: ...and then Lisa rigged the weather balloon so when it floated up it said  Skinner has a big butt . She s so cool!

Bart: What?! That was my prank! Lisa cannot be cool. There is only room for one cool kid in this family. Lisa! I challenge you to a skateboarding contest. Let s find out who the really cool kid really is.....really.

Cool Kid: Hah! Lisa s going to, like, destroy you! She once jumped the Springfield Gorge on her skateboard, right Lisa?

Lisa: Something like that. But yeah, I , um, shread.

/ / /

Bart: Didn t even break a sweat. When you re cool, your body doesn t have to regulate its temperature through perspiration.

Lisa: *sigh* There goes my popularity. Well, it was fun while it lasted.

Martin: Wait!! Before the race, I saw Bart drink a whole Squishee - Extreme Kiwi Flavor!

Cool Kid: Performance-enhancing beverages aren t cool, man. Only lame-wads  juice .

Bart: Big deal! Everyone does it...

Cool Kid: Sorry Lame-O, you re disqualified! Lisa wins!

Lisa: Woo-hoo! Is it cool to rub things in your opponent s face?

Cool Kid: It s super cool!

Lisa: In your face, Bart!

/ / /

Lisa: Hey Bart, how does it feel being a social outcast?

Cool Kid: Haha, good one Lisa!

Jimbo: You got made fun of, by a girl!

Nelson: HA HA!

Dolph: In years to come, we ll all remember Lisa s epic dis!

Lisa: Actually, I was just asking as part of my research. Wow, these kids will really eat up cruelty. But their praise is so addictive....

/ / /

Lisa: ...and that is why your farts smell like boogers!

Cool Kid: Another zinger. Kinda complicated, but a zinger nonetheless.

Bart: Lisa, we ve done a lot of mean things to each other over the years...but this is a new low.

Cool Kid: Hah! I think he s going to cry!

Lisa: *groan* I don t feel so cool right now.

/ / /

Lisa: How could I do that to Bart. I, of all people, know how awful it feels to be excluded.

Lisa: Oh my God, I have gone from cool girl to mean girl! How did that happen?

Lisa: Er. Guys. You know what s REALLY cool?

Cool Kid: A T-Rex with a jetpack?

Lisa: Well, yes. But you know what s even cooler? Being nice to lame kids like my brother.

Cool Kid: I get it. We act like we think they re human too. Like we re not better than them!

Lisa: Exactly. Let s all hang out at Krusty Burger. If we all split a small order of fries we can hang out all day.

/ / /

Bart: Hey, Lis, thanks for inviting me to hang out with you. It really meant a lot.

Lisa: What? I can t hear you because cool kids don t get mushy in public.

Bart: Whatever.



9. KBBL RADIO - 4500 FP

GOOD MORNING, SPRINGFIELD!

Broadcast Bill and Marty at KBBL

Cost: Free

Time: 4 hours

Who Starts It: Homer

Reward: $100/10 XP



DIALOGUE

Homer: Woo Hoo! The radio station is back. Now when I'm at work I can listen to Bill and Marty instead of all those annoying warning sirens.



10. MARGE TETHERBALL - 4000 FP



11. MR. TEENY - 5000 FP

Plus 25 XP for unlocking Mr. Teeny

==========================================================



==========================================================

8. CHARACTERS

==========================================================

The Simpsons

Homer

Marge

Bart

Lisa

Grampa



Churchy Joes

Rev. Lovejoy

Father Sean



Villains

Mr. Burns

Hank Scorpio

Snake Jailbird

Rich Texan



School

Principal Skinner

Willie

Edna Krabappel

Otto

Superintendent Chalmers



Civil Servants

Chief Wiggum

Mayor Quimby

Eddie

Lou

K9 Officer



Business Owners

Comic Book Guy

Moe

Luigi

Lugash



C-List Celebrities

Kent Brockman

Bumblebee Man

Arnie Pye

Sideshow Mel

Miss Springfield

Mr. Teeny



B-List Celebrities

Krusty

Duffman

Booberella

Drederick Tatum

Rainier Wolfcastle



Oddballs

Cletus Spuckler

Professor Frink

Herman

Sea Captain

Handsome Pete



Squeaky-Voiced Teens & Molemen

Squeaky-Voice Teen

Hans Moleman



Kids

Milhouse

Martin

Ralph

Sherri

Terri

Database

Uter



Toughies

Kearney

Nelson

Shauna

Dolph

Jimbo



Treehouse of Horrors XXIII

Raven

Burns Monster

Mayan God

Talking Krusty Doll



Wise Guys

Fat Tony

Legs

Louie



Barfiles

Barney



Funzos

Blue Funzo

Red Funzo

Purple Funzo



Animals And Pets

Santa's Little Helper

Frink's Robot Dog

Jub-Jub the Lizard

Turkey

Christmas Racoon



Plant Workers

Smithers

Carl

Lenny

Mindy Simmons



Irishmen

Tom O'Flanagan

O'Reilly the Leprechaun

Yupprechaun



Whacking Day

Lumpy

Pet Snake



Oldies

Agnes Skinner

Jasper Beardly

Chester Lampwick



Boardwalk Performers

Mime

Juggler

Fiddler

Human Statute

Fire Eater



4th July 2013

Rex Banner

Abraham Lincoln



Krustyland Mascots

Itchy

Scratchy

Poochie



Bouvier Family

Patty

Selma



More Oddballs

Disco Stu

Yes Man

Brandine Spuckler

Dr. Nick



Treehouse of Horrors XXIV

Suzanne the Witch

King Snorky

Frog Prince



Aliens

Kudos

Kang



Zombies

Shuffling Zombie

Crazy Zombie

Senile Zombie

Snarling Zombie

Clawing Zombie



Van Houtens

Kirk Van Houten

Luann Van Houten



More Business Owners

Tribal Chief

Roger Myers Jr.

Akira

Artie Ziff



Holiday 2013

Mr. Costington

Candy Kevin

Snow Monster

The Grumple



Legal Eagles

Judge Synder

Blue Haired Lawyer



Spuckler Brood

Birthday Spuckler

Whitney Spuckler

Dubya Spuckler



Apu's Family

Apu

Manjula

Sanjay



Mascots

Capital City Goofball

Cocoa Beanie



More Animals and Pets

Snowball II

Pokey



Easter 2014

Hugs Bunny

Egg Council Guy

Bunny #24601

Mojo Helper Monkey



Flanders Family

Ned

Maude

Rod

Todd



Exotic Animals and Pets

Freedom

Stampy

Chirpy Boy and Bart Jr.

Two-nicorn



More School Workers

Elizabeth Hoover

Dewey Largo



Hibbert Family

Dr. Hibbert

Bernice

Chester Dupree



Stonecutters

Number 1

Number 12

Number 14

Number 36

Number 51

Number 67

Number 908



More Stonecutters

Number 2

Number 5

Number 21

Number 29

Number 59

Number 85

Number 600



Even More Stonecutters

Number 22

Number 50

Number 66

Numer 79

Number 111

Number 314



July 4th 2014

Giuseppe Granfinali

George Washington



Helpful Guest Stars

Kumiko

Sharry Bobbins

Crazy Cat Lady

Princess Penelope



Clash of Clones

Barbarian

Barbarian Homer

Archer Lisa

Goblin Bart

Wizard Marge



Treehouse of Horror XXV

Space Mutant

Hugo

Bulldozer-saurus

Mutant Peacock



Even More Oddballs

Mrs. Muntz



More Kids

Greta

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9. BUILDINGS

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Homes

Simpson House

Frink's Lab

Volcano Lair

School Bus

Brown House

Flanders House

Cletus's Farm

Purple House

Blue House

Van Houten House

Pink House

White House

Willie's Shack

Orange House

Springfield Retirement

Muntz House

Krabappel Apartment

Burns Manor

Wiggum House

Fat Tony's Compound

Skinner House

Wolfcastle's Mansion

Spinster City Apartments

Bachelor Arms

Sanjay's House

Apu's Apartment

Crazy Cat House



Shops

Kwik-E-Mart

Krusty Burger

Gulp N' Blow

Android's Dungeon

The Java Server

Skip's Diner

Jake's Unisex Hair Palace

King Toot's

Moe's Tavern

The Gilded Truffle

Herman's Military Antiques

Luigi's

The Pimento Grove

El Chemistri

Zesty's

Noise Land Video Arcade

Sir- Putts-Alott's

Madame Chao's

The Singing Sirloin

Try-N-Save

Duff Brewery

Aztec Theatre

Businessman's Social Club

Lard Lad Donuts

Barney's Bowlarama

Duff Stadium

Springfield Coliseum

Sleep-Eazy Motel

Planet Hype

Ferris Wheel

Lugash's Gym

Krustylu Studios

Asia de Cuba

Sprawl Mart

Film Set

Kamp Krusty

Stu's Disco

Springfield Pet Shop

The Cracker Factory

Ah, Fudge! Factory

Lotto 'N' Liquor

Vulgari Jewlery Store

Fireworks, Candy & Puppies

Itchy & Scratchy Studios

The Hungry Hun



Public Service

Springfield Elementary

Springfield Library

First Church of Springfield

Springfield Downs

Police Station

Springfield Penitentiary

Town Hall

Channel 6

Tire Fire

Springfield Post Office

Hibbert Family Practice

Springfield General Hospital

Springfield Buddhist Temple

Adult Education Annex

Calmwood Mental Hospital

Springfield High School

Springfield Courthouse

Springfield Nuclear Power Plant (Cooling Towers/Reactor Core/Control Building)

Springfield Unemployment Office

Springfield DMV

E.A.R.L.

Springfield Observatory

Open Air Stage

Community Center

Museum of Natural History

ZiffCorp Office Building



Aspirationals

Popsicle Stick Skyscraper

50 ft. Magnifying Glass

World's Largest Zirconia

The Sunsphere

Escalator To Nowhere

Sit-N-Rotate

Fortress of Choclitude

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10. HIDDEN QUESTS/ITEMS

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WELCOME TO SPRINGFIELD

Create an Origin account to get 2 Donuts.



STATUTE OF JEBEDIAH SPRINGFIELD

Tap Homer 10 times while he plays with his myPad. You earn 10 Donuts with the statute.



HERE COMES THE SUNSPHERE

1. Make Bart Climb the Sunsphere

2. Make Milhouse Climb the Sunsphere

3. Make Martin Climb the Sunsphere

4. Make Nelson Climb the Sunsphere

Cost: tasks 1-4: Free

Time: tasks 1-4: 12 hours

Who Starts It: Nelson

Reward: $100/10 XP



DIALOGUE

Nelson: Hey, look! It's the Sunsphere! I thought I knocked that over and broke it when we went to Knoxville, Tennessee.

Milhouse: Amazing to think that it was once part of the most forgotten World's Fair in history!

Bart: Let's break into it, climb to the top, and see if we can hear ghosts from 1982 talking about how boring the view was.

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11. CREDITS

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1. tstotips.com

2. tstofriends.com

3. simpsonstappedout.wikia.com

4. www.youtube.com/kclovesgaming

5. tstotopix.com

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12. UPDATES

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10/2014 - Level 46 Update

10/2014 - Treehouse of Horror XXV Promotion

10/2014 - Halloween Holiday Update

9/2014 - Clown in the Dumps Promotion

9/2014 - Level 45 Update

9/2014 - Level 44 Update

8/2014 - Clash of Clones Event

7/2014 - Level 43 Update

7/2014 - 4th of July 2014 Holiday Update

6/2014 - Level 42 Update

6/2014 - Summer/Stonecutters 2014 Update

      - updated Sections 5-9

5/2014 - Level 41 Update

4/2014 - The Yellow Badge of Cowardge Promotion

4/2014 - Level 40 Update

4/2014 - Easter 2014 Holiday Update

4/2014 - Days of Future Future Promotion

3/2014 - Level 39 Update

3/2014 - War of Art Promotion

3/2014 - St. Patrick's Day 2014 Holiday Update

2/27/2014 - Friend Points update

2/2014 - Diggs + The Man Who Grew Too Much Promotion

2/10/2014 - Valentine's Day 2014 Holiday Update

12/15/2013 - Christmas 2013 Holiday Update + New Year's 2014 Holiday Update

12/16/2013 - TSTO updated to include switching in-between towns

11/17/2013 - updated Quests and Dialogue section

11/15/2013 - added Characters section and Buildings section

	  - updated Quests and Dialogue section

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