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Follow the dark path or use the light
Conker: Live & Reloaded Pack Shot

Conker: Live & Reloaded


Game Script

by korethis

Conkerís Bad Fur Day Script

By: korethis.

Table of Contents

I.	Introduction.............(sec1)
II.	Version history..........(sec2)
III.	Game Script..............(sec3)
a.	Game Introduction.....(sec3a)
b.	Hungover..............(sec3b)
c.	Death Scene...........(sec3c)
d.	Windy Part 1..........(sec3d)
e.	Barn Boys.............(sec3e)
f.	Windy Part 2..........(sec3f)
g.	Batís Tower...........(sec3g)
h.	Sloprano..............(sec3h)
i.	Uga Buga..............(sec3i)
j.	Windy Part 3..........(sec3j)
k.	Spooky................(sec3k)
l.	Itís War..............(sec3l)
m.	The Heist.............(sec3m)
n.	Ending................(sec3n)
o.	Epilogue..............(sec3o)
IV.	Credit...................(sec4)
V.	Copyright................(sec5)

Introduction (sec1)

This is the script for X-box version of Conkerís Bad Fur
Day.  Any bleeped words on the game will be bleeped here. This is my
first contribution, so cut me some slack. The script will contain
spoilers, seeing as how it is the entire script.  It also contains
harsh language, so if you are easily offended, stop reading now.  Also,
I wrote this script, so is the only site it will be shown
on.  If you would like to post it on your site, email me and ask my
permission at [email protected]

Version History (sec2)

06-06-2007 Ė Officially started the script.  I will do my best to make
sure it is correct.

06-07-2007 Ė Got to the Uga Buga chapter. Hope to get it and Windy Part
3 finished within the week.

08-31-2007 Ė Finished the Uga Buga chapter and started Windy Part 3.

09-01-2007 Ė Finished Windy Part 3 and started Spooky.

12-15-2007 Ė Got my game back after it was stolen. Finished Spooky and
started Itís War!

01-11-2008 Ė Finished Itís War! And started The Heist.

01-12-2008 Ė Completed the script. It is still open for correction.

Game Script (sec3)


Ok so this is the game script. Any bleeped out words will be put as
*ís. you can figure out what theyíre saying by the number of
asterisks.  Anyway, as stated above, this script is not intended for
those easily offended. All actions will be made between two *ís. such
*Conker runs in a circle.*
All speech will have the characterís name in front of it. Now, letís
get to the story!

Game Introduction (sec3a)

Throne Room

*The camera shows a close-up of Conker, then slowly zooms out, showing
many characters around him.*

Conker: Well, there I am, Conker the king; king of all the land.  Who'd
have thought that?  But how did I come to this, you say.  And who are those
fellows that surround my throne.  That you also say. It's a long story.
Come closer and I'll tell you. It all started yesterday, and what a day
that was!  It's what I like to call, a bad fur day.

*Scene changes to Berri working out, then zooms out to her phone*

Berri's answering message: Hi.  You've reached, like, Berri's place.
I'm not available to answer the phone, obviously!  However, if you leave your,
like, name and number, and sound cute, I may ring you back.  Ciao!

Conker over the phone: Hi Berri. Hello... Berri if you're there, pick
Hello! Oh. Anyway, look...

*Scene changes to the bar*

Conker: I'm going to be a bit late.  Met up with a couple of guys, and
they're off tomorrow to some... I dunno, fight some war somewhere.

*Scene changes back to Berriís phone*

Conker: I'll see ya. Love you!

*There is laughter in the background and the scene changes to Conker
hanging up the phone*

Conker: I think she bought it.

Random person: Conker, put the phone down!

Conker: Oh, okay! Right! Whose round was it?

Many people: YOURS!

Conker: What? Again? Okay, can someone lend me a fiver?

Much LaterÖ

Conker: Ugh. I don't feel so good now.  You guys enjoy yourselves and
That, and I'll probably see you sometime next week.  I gotta go home.
I'll go this way. No, that's the toilets.  I'll go this way then.
Yep.  That's better.

*Outside the bar*

Conker: Doesnít look too good tonight. Ugh. Ooh. Hang on a sec.

*Conker pukes on the ground next to a monk, having the puke splash on
the monk.*

Conker: Ah ha. Sorry about that old chap. I gotta go.

*Conker walks off the right of the screenÖ

Öand appears in front of a sign*

Conker: Canít quite make it out. Anyway, seems pretty familiar to me.

*Behind him wasps are stealing a beehive.*

Wasp: Címon, címon! Quick! Quick! Quick!

*Conker turns around just after they pass*

Conker: Huh? What was that? Oh, well. This way I suppose.

*Scene changes back to the throne room, showing the king before

Slim Guard: More milk, sire?

Panther King: Yes.

*The Panther King holds out a glass, which the slim guard pours milk
into. The king takes a gulp and sets the glass down on a table with
quite an obvious problem. The table tips and the glass falls over onto
the floor.*

Slim Guard: *gulp*

*The Panther King roars*

Hungover (sec3b)

*Conker wakes up with a hangover, moans and looks around with beer
vision. (Yay beer vision!!!) Conker coughs and gags*

Conker: Oh, no. Itís gonna be one of those daysÖ

*Conker walks over to a scarecrow. It turns around to look at him.*

Birdy: Uh. Who are you?

Conker: Oh.  Hello.  Can you help me? I need to get home and go to bed
cause I don't feel very well at all.

Birdy: Err. Home? No. No.

Conker: Oh. So you canít help me at all?

Birdy: Actually, yeah. Yes. I can. Maybe.

Conker:  Um, okay. Whatís your name?

Birdy: Birdy.

Conker: Beardy? But you havenít got a beard.

Birdy: No. Birdy. I scare birdies.

Conker: Okay, Birdy. How can you help me?

Birdy: Right! Step over here.

*Birdy turns around and when Conker steps on the B pad.*

Birdy: You see those buttons?  Actually, you'll find that they're
called context sensitive.  And, eh, well, actually, they eh, press B.

Conker: Press B?

Birdy: Oh yeah.  The light comes on and it makes this noise. Ting!
noise.  It goes ting.

*A light bulb appears over Conkerís head and makes the ďting noiseĒ*

Birdy: There you go. Ting. Thatís it.

Conker: Thatís it?

Birdy: Yeah.

Conker: Okay. Iíll press B.

*Conker pulls out a bottle of beer*

Birdy: Ah. Donít mind if I do.

*Birdy drinks it*

Conker: So what does that mean?

Birdy: It means context sensitive. Itís sensitive to context. Try it
over there.

*Birdy points to the other B pad.*

Conker: Okay.

Birdy: Or you could try it again.

*If you try it again there Conker pulls out a bottle of helium. Birdy
swipes it and inhales it.*

Birdy: *In a high voice* Really nice helium.

*If you press B again, Conker pulls out another bottle of beer. Birdy
takes it.*

Birdy: Ah. Donít mind if I do. Thank you very much.

*Birdy chugs it*

Birdy: Ah. Iím going to bed now. Night-night.

*When you press B on the other panel Conker pulls out a glass of water
and pills, puts the pills in water, they dissolve, and he drinks it.
Bye-bye hang over. Conker then pitches the glass behind him.*

Conker: Wow.  Just what I needed.  In fact, it would seem to me that
these give me just what I need at that moment in time...ooh...I see
what he means.  Context sensitive.  Clever! And I feel loads better!
Right! Let's get out of here.  Oh, and by the way.  If for whatever
reason you want to skip all these wonderful cut scenes, then just pull
the left trigger.  But, you will have to have watched them at least

*When it doesnít appear you can go any further*

Conker's thoughts: Oh.  I can't seem to get any further. I'm sure there
was something... ah, yes.  Now I remember!  Hold down the right trigger
and I should crouch. Now then, what was it?  Oh yeah! Press A to jump
extra high.  Then A again to do that funny helicoptery tail thing.  Now
that makes me hover. Hmmm... I should easily get across that gap. Are
you sure youíve got that?

*When you get to the top bridge*

Conker: Ah.  Who's this guy?

Gargoyle: If you think you're coming this way, you can think again.

Conker: Oh, you're a real charmer.  I just wanna get past, please.

Gargoyle: No!  I don't think so.  I've only just got comfy.  Have you
ever sat on a piece of gothic architecture for two hundred years?  Gets
right up your arse you know.  Thought it was about time to move to a
bridge, say,  and I'm not moving now.

Conker: Isn't it a little bit early in the day to start talking about
gothic architecture?

Gargoyle: Well, if you care to come a bit closer, we can discuss things
of another nature.

*If you get close to him heíll rough you up and toss you into the water
at the bottom of the cliff*

*When you pull a lever and go in the door there is a key bouncing
around.  You keep trying to catch it, but itís no good.*

Conker: Hang on a second. This is no good at all. Hmm, I need a weapon.

*Conker walks over to a weapon rack*

Conker: Ahh, that should do it. Eenie, meenie, miney, mo! A frying pan!

Conkerís thoughts: Weapons. Cool. Okay, hereís the score.  Press B to
equip and put away. Then, once equipped, pulls the right trigger to
swipe. Um, are you sure youíve got that?

*Three enemies come out of the ground and one swallows the key*

Conker: Oh, just great! I thought the designers said this was just a
straight port. What a hack! Now, which one was it?

*After defeating the three enemies and hitting the key, you can open
the door. Go up to the gargoyle and hit him with the frying pan to make
him say*

Gargoyle: A frying pan. You stupid little t***.

Conkerís thoughts: Hmm. Wasnít he meant to fall of here?

Conker: Hey, werenít you meant to fall off here?

Gargoyle: Yes. But the designer thought it wise to change the training
level a bit. To fool the audience into thinking that the rest of the
game would also be different. Iím afraid youíll have to try something

Conkerís thoughts: Hmm. Well, lucky I brought this as well then.

*Conker pulls out a baseball bat and uppercuts the gargoyle.*

Gargoyle: Ouch.

*The gargoyle falls backward causing a rockslide to crush him. Conker
looks at the camera*

Conker: Hey, Mr. Designer! No more surprises please.

*When you get to the next B pad Conker will pull out a plunger*

Conker: Plunger with dynamite. Um, I think I know whatís gonna happen

*Conker pushes the plunger down and the giant rock explodes.*

Conker: Whoa! Yep. Fantastic. Letís go and get some shut-eyeÖ finally!

Death Scene (sec3c)

*Gregg is unseen at first holding a megaphone to give him a deep voice*

Gregg: Conker. Conker! Conker!! Yes, you boy. Youíre dead. You are
dead. Dead as a dodo. Deader than aÖ

*The megaphone stops working as soon as Gregg appears*

Gregg: I canít be arsed with this bloody ridiculous contraption. Whoís
idea was this anyway. Right. Hello. My nameís Gregg, the Grim Reaper
and donít laugh.

Conker: Arenít you a little short to be a grim reaper.

Gregg: Well, how many grim reapers have you met before mate? Like, what
am I supposed to look like?

Conker: Yeah. Good point and well made.

Gregg: Now. Letís seeÖ

*Smoke poofs and a scroll appears in front of the short grim reaper.*

Gregg: Ah. Yes. ConkerÖ surname?

Conker: The Squirrel.

Gregg: The Squirrel. The squirrel. TheÖ

*Another poof of smoke and the scroll disappears.*

Gregg: Oh, bloody hell! You would have to be a sodding squirrel,
wouldnít you?

Conker: Why? Is there a problem with that?

Gregg: Well, yes there is, actually. Itís like those bloody cats. Such
a pain in the arse. Youíre one of these ďspecial cases.Ē

Conker: Oh, really?

Gregg: Yes. Apparently according to the powers that beÖ Iím just doing
my job. I do what Iím told. I donít even get paid very much.
Apparently, squirrels can have as many lives as they think they can get
away with.

Conker: Oh. I see. So Iím not dead.

Gregg: Youíre dead, but not quite.

Conker: Huh. Right. Well, Iíll be off then.

*Gregg slams his scythe in the ground in front of where Conker is

Gregg: Just you wait! Smart arse. You donít get out of it that easily.
Now, the thing is, you may not be dead, but that doesnít mean you canít
die. You just have a few more, shall we say, chances. Yes. Like cats. I
hate those things. Distributed around your little world are these tail
things. Squirrelsí tails. If you can get them, Iíll give you an extra
chance. Understand?

Conker: Um. Well. Sounds a bit strange but okay.

Gregg: Strange? Itís the best bloody deal youíre going to get you
little prick. Right. Piss off. Iíve got some cats to see.

*Gregg walks off slowly muttering*

Gregg: Bloody things. I hate those bloody cats. The way they meow and
piss everywhere, and their **** smells just bloody awful. All over my

Windy Part 1 (sec3d)

*the scientist is floating around in his hover-chair*

Scientist: Have I got everything?  Have I got everything?  Hurry!
Hurry! Hurry! You know what he's like. You know what he's like.  Make a
good entrance.  Zis could be important.

*the scientist hovers slowly over to the Panther King.*

Panther King: Ah. Professor. I have a job for you. As you can see, the

Scientist: Ze table!  Ah yes.  So, you have spilt ze milk again?
That's  not gut.  Not gut!  Let me have a look at it for you. Yes.
I... I think I see the problem.  I vill see vat I can do.  You must
give me a moment, though.  I vill come back later.

*The scientist starts to hover out butÖ*

Panther King: Donít be too long.

Scientist: I vill be as quick as I can sire.

Panther King: Cause you know what happened last time.

Scientist: Oh. Heh. Only too well. Only too well. I vill go now.

*He starts to hover out again, butÖ*

Panther King: I donít want to have to get the duct tape out again.

Scientist: Yes. I mean, no. I donít vant you to get the duct tape out
again. Goodbye! Goodbye!

*The scene changes to the scientistís lab*

Scientist: Duct tape! Iíll give him the duct tape. ******* ********.
Iíll come down here. Iíll show him where the duct tape is. Iíll show
him where to stuff it! Stupid ******! All I do all day is try to sort
his stupid ******* problems out. *******! I ******* hate that ******!
Anyway, vat vere ve? Ze milk, ze milk, ze table, ze table. Oh, vat
shall ve do vit zis? Um. Clean slate, ja, clean slate. Anti-gravity
chocolate isÖ kinda vurking. Ah. Zat vill do. Out the ******* vindow
vit zat.

*The professor hits the chocolate out the window and it lands in front
of Conker. Eventually, Conker runs into a crying bee.*

Queen Bee: Oh, those nasty, nasty wasps. What ever shall we do? My
beautiful hive has gone, and Iíll never see it again

Conkerís thoughts: Hope sheís rich cause she ainít cute.

Conker: What do you want me to do about it?

Queen Bee:  Please get it back for us. Otherwise, I donít know what
weíre going to do.

Conker: Ok. Ok. Calm down. Iíll go and get it for you. Now, where is

Queen Bee: Just follow the signs.

*Once you find the hive, the wasps will come out.*

Wasp with Cigar: Hey! Some wise guyís trying to steal our nice new

Slim Wasp:  Come on boss. Letís go get him.

Fat Wasp: Yeah! Letís get him.

*When you return the hive, it turns into a gun turret. Queen Bee will
hop inside and aims at the slim wasp*

Slim Wasp: *Gulp*

Conker: Eat lead, mother buzzer.

*Queen Bee open fires, taking out two of the wasps and leaving the one
with the cigar smoking.*

Wasp with Cigar: Youíll never get me!

*A single shot is fired from the turret killing the last wasp. Queen
Bee gets out of the turret.*

Queen Bee: Oh, thank you Mr. Squirrel. None of this would have happened
if it werenít for that no-good husband of mine. Heís gone off, you
know, with another woman.

Conker: Oh. Really. That doesnít surprise me.

Queen Bee: What?

Conker: Nothing!

Queen Bee: Anyway. As a reward for your good service to the bee
community, I present you with this.

*A wad of money appears behind the beehive and goes over to Conker*

Money: Somebody call for me?

*In true cartoon fashion, Conkerís eyes turn into dollar signs and

Money: Who wants some of the dough?

*Conker pockets the money*

Conker: Yeah! Cash prizes.

*Walk along the path and dung beetles will pop up*

Beetle 1: Alright, whoís dis?

Beetle 2: It looks like one of them squirrels.

Beetle 1: I reckon we should go down there and kick the **** out of

Beetle 2: Ah, wait till he comes up here, alright?

Beetle 1: Yeah, okay then.

*Walk on the B pad and Birdy will pop up.*

Birdy: Hello. Itís me again. Mr. Scarecrow Birdy. Right what seems to
be the problem? Oh yes. You need manual. Otherwise, no. Doesnít work.
Itíll cost you.

Conker: Okay, how much?

Birdy: EhÖ got any mepsipax?

Conker: What?

Birdy: Donít matter. Actually, I think, well, eh, ten dollar. Long
time. You love manual long time.

*If you donít have money, Birdy will sit there waiting. If you do have
money, however, then Conker will pull out the money.*

Conker: Here you go.

*Birdy pockets the money.*

Birdy: Here ya go.

*Birdy gives Conker the manual.*

Birdy: Manual. Just press B.

*Birdy goes off farting with the money in his back pocket.*

Money: Oh! Ugh! Ah! Get me outta here! Hey you come here! Come on!

*The money hops out and goes back over to Conker.*

Money: I wanna go back in there! Hurry up!

Conker: Okay. Suits me. Yeah. Cash.

*Conker pockets the money. Then, he opens the manual.*

Conkerís thoughts: Ah.  Seems to be an instruction book.  Oh, I see.
It's for the more complex stuff.  It will appear the first time you use
a more  complex zone.  And, if you need again, just pull the left
trigger and press B.  To skip it, just press B.  The catapult.  Let's
see now.  Use control stick to aim... and the right trigger to fire.
That seems simple enough.

*After walking up the path.*

Conker: Hmm. Letís see. That wayÖ

*Conker looks to the left.*

Conker: Or that way.

*Conker looks to the right.*

Conker: HmmÖ that way smells a bit pooey. Hmm. Let me see.

*Conker nods. If you go to the left Conker will gag*

Conkerís thoughts: What a stink. I think this calls for my gas mask.

*Conker puts on a gas mask*

*If you go up to the poo cabin*

Conker: Hmm. Ten oíclock. What time is it now?

*Conker pulls out a watch*

Conker: OhÖ oh well. I suppose Iíll come back later then.


Barn Boys (sec3e)

*Scientist in his lab*

So. What is ze key elements in this experimentation. We have ze table
here. And ze milk in ze glass broken.  Ah. I see the problem. Oh. And
there seems to be aÖ hmm. Seems to be aÖ hmm. I must do some
experiments I think. Ja. Ja we will sort this out. And when my tediz
are ready, then, my lord, we will see who uses the duct tape

*A blue black is being crushed by a purple block.*

Jack: I say, uh, I say little fella. Youíd better get this fat-ass
bitch off a my back pronto.

Conker: Gee, so many people around here want me to solve their
problems.  What are you gonna do for me then?

Jack: Iíll tell you want I'm gonna do. I say, Iíll tell you what Iím
gonna do. You get rid of that freaking mouse critter and maybe Iíll
help you out. Just maybe. Oh, just one more thing, I say, just one more
thing. You may run into my friend Burt. Just mention my name, Jack, and
everything will be just dandy.

*At the cheese corral*

Conker: Hi. You must be Burt.

Burt: Iím Burt.

Conker: Jack sent me.

Burt: I'll open the gate for you here, and you can get on with what is
ever you're trying to do.

*The gate opens*

Conker: Thatís all you do? Great.

*When you take the first piece of cheese to Marvin*

Marvin: That was nice!  *Burp* I'd like another though, if that's okay.

*second time*

Marvin: Marvelous!  One more should just about do it.

*third time*

*Marvin gets extremely fat and passes gas a lot.*

Marvin: Oh no!  I think I've had too much!

*He explodes and the purple crate jumps off of Jack*

Jack: Ahhh.  I couldn't a lasted a moment longer there.  Thank you very
much, Mr. Squirrel.  There's something real neat inside that barn.  You
just gotta get in there, sonny.

*Money is hopping around on top of the barn*

Money: So , you want some green stuff?

*Conker grabs the money.*

Conker: Yeah!  I think the round's on me.  I'm gonna get tanked

*Conker walks inside the barn and all the haystacks stop jumping around
except for the little one.*

Conker: Hey you! Over there!

*The little haystack stops jumping.*

Little Haystack: Huh?

Conker: Yeah you.  Apparently there's something real neat inside this
barn. I can't quite see it myself. Unless, of course, some guys jumping
around stinking of horse poo's real neat.  Which, of course, it isn't.

Little Haystack: This is pretty neat.

*The door shuts and locks behind Conker. The camera goes over to a
brush, a paint pot and a pitchfork*

Paint Pot: Hey Franky.  I think there's a little fella over there just
comin in through the door.  I think it's your turnÖ is it his turn?

Paint Brush: Yeah yeah I think it's his turn.  Franky go kick his ass!
Go on kick his ass!

Franky: I ain't kicking.  It's always my turn to kick their asses.

Paint Pot: Franky just go over there and kick his ass for ******* sake.

Paint Brush: Yeah, go over there and kick his ass.  Somebody's gotta
kick his ass ain't gonna be me! I'm a brush I don't kick ass.

Paint Pot:  I'm a paint pot anyway I'm a ******* paint pot.  Go and
kick his ass.

Franky: I..I...oh, ok I'll kick his ass...but I'm not going over there
he can come over here.

Paint Pot: Ok ok hey hey quick here he comes quick quick just keep
still keep

*All three of them act like they aren't moving*

*When you move over to them*

Franky: What the damn diddly-squat are you doing in my barn?

Conker: Well, I never.  It's a talking pitchfork.

Franky: Not from around here, are ya boy?

Conker: No.  I'm from the twenty-first century.

Franky: I don't rightly recollect liking your type...

Conker's thoughts: What the heck's he moaning about?

Franky: Therefore I conclude I'm gonna kick your butt all around this
barn like there's no tomorrow.  I is gonna stick my big fork into yers.

Conker: Were your parents, before they were married?

Franky: Right.  That's it.  I is gonna give you a whuppin.  Here we go!

*After you beat him*

Paint Pot: I've seen some kicking ass in my time, and that is the
*********, crapest, crapiest, ********* kick ass I've ever seen.

Paint Brush: Yeah heh yeah that was pretty crap.  I could kick as
kicking ass goes, it was abysmal and you is a ******* bastard, stupid
bastard heh... isn't he?

Paint Pot: Yeah, he sure is.  So, what're ya gonna do now, kill
yourself, cause that's what I would recommend.

Paint Brush: Yeah.  You should kill yourself.  In fact, we got a rope
right here.

Paint Pot: Yeah, we've got a rope.  There ya go.

Franky: What kind of friends are you?  Eh.. a.. oh, in that case, I is
gonna  kill myself I'm gonna kill myself right now.  That's all there
is to it. **** you!

*Camera shows Franky hanging from the roof of the barn*

Paint Pot: What are you doing he he he he.  You stupid bastard!  Ha ha
ha ha. He hasn't even got a neck!

Paint Brush: Yeah look at him up there stupid bastard hasn't even got a
neck.  He hasn't got a neck, has he?

Paint Pot: I already said that.  Shut up!

Brush: Oh.  Okay.

Franky: I don't believe it.  I don't appear to have a neck of any
description.  In fact, I ain't even got an oesophagus.  Oooh.. diddle
di damn.  I is gonna be up here for some time.

*When you pull the lever King Bee falls out of barn through the door
the switch opens with Tickly Bees following him. A giant haystack then
jumps down from the rafters.*

Giant Haystack:  So, my nemesis is defeated.

*brush and pot shudder close to each other*

Giant Haystack: Hah.  Yes.  It's me again.  Right.  Time to wonder
around aimlessly.

*He starts jumping around.*

*In the rafters*

Bat 1: Hey Barry.  Look at this ******!

*Conker walks in*

Barry: But I'm blind you ****.

Bat 1: Oh use your ******* radar!

*At the end of the path*

*Conker tosses hundreds of knives at Franky*

Franky: Ow!  Ooh ow!  Hey!  Woah!  Ah!  Uh!  What the hell you trying
to do?

*A side-flying clever cuts the rope*

Franky: This is gonna hurt.

*Franky falls to the ground.  The pot and brush laugh at him*

*When you go down*

Pot: What'd you do that for?  Dumb ****.

Brush: Yeah.. ya dumb **** heh heh.

Pot: Why is it you have to repeat everything I say?

Brush: I don't repeat everything you say... do I?

Pot: Yes, you do, actually.

Brush: Oh.  Sorry.

Franky: Why.  Thank you Mr. Squirrel.  I was hanging up there by my
perty little neck.  It's like one of them there executions yous hear

*Conker looks over to the pot and brush.  They have execution masks on
with an axe.  Conker starts to look away, turn back real fast, and
they're back to normal*

Conker: Um....yeah...anyway, what are we gonna do about this guy over

Franky: Well, what do you want to do about him? I'll do anything for
you cause you is my bestest buddy in the whole wide world.

*Pot and brush start laughing*

Conker: Um.  Just a sec.

*Conker goes over.  You can hear noises in the background. Then,
*PLOP*. The camera zooms out to show the brush in the pot.  Brush still

Conker: So.  What exactly did you have in mind?

Franky: Well now.  Just hop on my back here, and we is gonna go for a

Conker: Yeah.  Okay, but don't get any funny ideas now.  This is purely
a means to an end.

Franky: I don't know what you're talking about!

*Hit the hay twice and a robotic eye pops out*

Franky: Yahoo!

Conker: Uh oh.

*Giant Haystack turn around with robotic eye.  Robotic eye zooms in on
Conker, and scrolls through various insults.  "Buff you, ********"
comes up on the screen*

Robo-haystack: Buff you, ********!

*Hit him a third time and he will cause the ground to collapse. When
you hit the floor belowÖ*

Conker: Ow.  I think I've hurt my leg.  Oh nooo.

Franky: Eh.  What's up little squirrel fella?  Eh.  We showed him,
we?  Yeah!  Huh.  That was a piece of cake.

Conker: Yeah.  It was, actually.  That makes a change.

*Terminator music starts to play as camera zooms in on the fire area*

Conker: I don't think I like the sound of that music...

Franky: I don't think I like the sound of that music either.

*Robo-haystack jumps out*

Conker and Franky: AAAAHHH!

*Robo-haystack zooms in on Conker again*

Robo-haystack: Suzie 9MM.

Suzie: I'm right here, sweety pie.  Just tell me where to shoot.

*Rocket jumps off and flies towards Conker.  Conker ducks in time*

After last hit, Robo-haystack explodes as Conker is knocked off Franky.
Robotic leg starts to hop towards Conker, but looses power and dies::

Conker: We definitely showed him that time.  Um... hey, Franky? Franky!
Where's he gone?  Oh no.

*Conker walks over to Franky's broken body while sad music plays*

Franky: Mr. Squirrel... I think I'm a goner.

Conker: You don't look too good.  You may be alright.

Franky: Whaddya mean alright?  Look at me!  I'm broken in two!  I'm
just firewood from now.  They'll be using me as toothpicks before ya
know it.

Conker: Aw, you'll be alright.  Címon.

Franky: What are ya gonna do?

Conker: Well, I've got an idea.  Okay.  Let's see.

*Camera looks up while you hear tape sounds*

Conker: Hey.  Hold still!

*Camera looks at Franky, who's now taped together*

Conker: There ya go.  Good as new.

Franky: Well it kinda feels alright. Well... it ain't so bad after all.
Whaddya think?

Conker: Yeah.  Looks great...

Franky: Whaddya mean?

Conker: No, it looks great!

Franky: Ya know, thank you Mr. Squirrel.  I think that of all the
people in the world that I've ever met, yous is gotta be the most
generous, kindest, nicest, nicest...

Conker: Ok yeah.  No need to get sentimental.  Anyway, we need to find
a way outta here now.

Franky: Yeah, you could be right.

*Right then, water starts flooding through the holes in the pipes*

Conker: Yep.  Just typical.

Franky: Oh... erm... anyway, Mr. Squirrel, I've... I've gotta go!  See

*Franky hops off*

Conker: Oh well.  Suppose I better start swimming. Don't like the looks
of those wires.  Better be quick.

*When Conker finds the money inside the barn*

Money: Here I am, ya greedy bastard.

*Conker pockets the money*

Conker: Who wants to be a millionaire?  Me, actually.

*After collecting money, Conker climbs to top of barn. He jumps and
turns into a anvil as plummeting down to earth*

*Conker plummets down to earth, finally hitting the bottom.  He turns
back into a squirrel and walks around a little wobbly.  The gate then
opens near the bottom area*

*in the new area is several zombies and money*

Money: So.  Another wise guy?  Come on then.

*Conker pockets the money.*

Conker: Cool.  I'm gonna have that gold card before you know it.

Mr. Bee: Hey.  Buddy.  Could you spare me a dime?  Hey buddy!  Don't
ignore me ah they always ignore me.  HEY!

Conker: Eh? Oh... what do you want?

Mr. Bee: Ya know, in my own country I am a king!

Conker: Oh.  Really.

Mr. Bee: Yeah.  That bitch threw me out.  Apparently, the hive keeps
getting stolen.  I don't care.  Couldn't fit in the ******* thing
anyway. Seen how fat she is.  Bitch!  Now I'm reduced to the status of
a bum.

Conker: Well... Yeah.  Anyway, I gotta go now.

Mr. Bee: Eh.  You're like the rest of them.  I ain't gonna tell you
about the big-breasted babe then.

Conker: Uh... the big what?

Mr. Bee: Ah.  Thought that might have got your attention.  She's
lovely. Thatís why the wife kicked me out.  All I wanna do is pollinate
her. She's got stigmas like you wouldn't believe.

Conker: What do you mean?  I thought you said she had big....

Mr. Bee: Yeah.  Over there, behind us.

*Camera views flower*

Conker: Hang on a second.  Breasts?  But she's a sunflower....

Mr. Bee: Yeah.  What did you expect her to be?  She's a sunflower with
big breasts!  I'm a bee!  Stupid bastard.

Conker: Ok there's no need to get offensive now.

Mr. Bee: Sorry.  You gotta help me out, buddy.  I don't know what I'm
gonna do.

Conker: Well, what's in it for me?

Mr. Bee: Cash.

Conker: That'll do... but I thought you were begging?

Mr. Bee: Well... uh... yeah... just... yeah...

Mr. Bee's thoughts: Damn.  He's sussed me.

Conker's thoughts: Ha!  Sussed him.

Conker: Hey.  Uh... could you help me out here?  There's a guy over
there.  He says he wants to... something to do with stigmas... Not
quite sure. Pollinate you?  Sounds a bit strange, but...

Flower: Go away.  Ooh.  That big tail of yours is far too tickly.

Conker: Uh.  No, you don't understand... hey!

Flower: Get that big, long, hairy tail away from me!

Conker: Ah suit yourself then.

Flower: Be like that.

*Conker walks by bees*

Conker: Hi guys.

*Bees swarm him*

Conker: Ah!  No.  Ah!  Ha ha!  No!  Get off!  Ha ha! Don't do
that!  Whaddya do?  No that tickles that tickles.  Stop that.  Stop it!

Bees: *buzzing*

Conker: You're tickly bees?

Bees: *buzzing*

Conker: You're pacifists?

Bees: *buzzing*

Conker: You only like to tickle people...

Bees: *buzzing*

Conker: Ticklish flowers?

Bees. *buzzing*

Conker: Like, sunflowers, maybe?

Bees: *buzzing*

Conker: Hmmm. I think I've got a plan.

*After first batch*

Conker: Ah.  Yep.  That seemed to work.  Oh.  Looks like I need more.
Hmmm. Where could they be?

*After last batch, sunflower stands up and reveals herself*

Conker: There ya go.  She's all yours.

Mr. Bee: Oh.  Ah.  Thank you very much.  I'm going in.  Wish me luck

*Mr. Bee flies in.  Camera looks at Conker.  Sex sounds are in the
background as Conker makes faces*

Mr. Bee: Cheers, little fella.  I feel like a new man.

Flower: So do I.  Conker, honey.  Fancy going for a bounce?

Conker: A bounce?  Ok. Now this is what I call a platform game!

*If Conker goes for a bounce, heíll find money*

Money: Yeah.  I'm here.  Hurry up.  Pick me up.  ****head.

*Conker pockets the money*

Conker: Excellent!  Jet pack and butlers, here we come.

*leave farm and head to poo place*

Windy Part 2 (Sec3f)

*in the throne room*

*The Panther King is getting impatient, waiting for the scientist*

Panther King: He better hurry up.  What are you looking at?

Skinny Guard: Nothing, sire!

Panther King: Good.  Ah.  I think I can hear him.

*Scientist busts in*

Scientist: Eureka eureka!  I've found it! I've found it! ja! eureka!
Oh. Ah, my lord.  Ha!  You'll never guess what!  I zink I have solved
ze problem.  Now, ve have here, if you look...

*Blueprint comes out of nowhere*

Scientist: ...ze table.  If you analyze ze table closely, as I have
done most particularly, you vill see zat zere is a gap!  And ve're not
talking any old gap here, my lord.  It is a sizeable one.  Now, milk
goes here. Vat happens?  Ve have ze fulcrum here, ze milk here. veight
problem, not good.  Milk falls off because of a gap.  Ja.  Zat is vat
is ze problem.  Ze gap!

Panther King: Hmm. I think I see. And, the solution?

Scientist: Ah, now zis is where it gets complicated.  I vas mulling
over vat would fit in ze gap.  I tried many zings.  I tried elephants,
pot plants, uh, many zings.  But, ze one thing, and I vas sure of it at
ze time.  I vas sure it vas a rodent. And sure enough, it vas!  Zis
one. Furrious squidgeterrious, to use the proper vernacular.  To ze lay
man, ze red squirrel.  Zis red squirrel.

Panther King: Hmm. Yes. Squirrel. I've heard of them.  Yes. So?

Scientist: So it is simple, my liege.  Ve need a squirrel, and ve put
him here.  You no spill your milk, ve don't get duct tape.

Panther King: Hmm. Gentlemen.

*Guards were asleep, but wake up*

Skinny Guard: Yes, my liege?

Panther King: Get me one of these red squirrels.

Skinny Guard: Yes, my liege.

*In the poo cabin*

Dung Beetle: Hey.  Alright, there.  How ya doing?

Conker: Hi, how ya doing?

Dung Beetle: Would you like to come in now?  Yeah, sit down.  Whaddya

Conker: Ah.  Uh, this place really smells.

Dung Beetle: Yeah, well, we're like ******* dung beetles and we roll
the poo around.  **** knows what for.

Conker: Oh, really.

Dung Beetle: Did... do... do you want some poo?

Conker: Um. I uh...

Dung Beetle: Alright.  Get your ****** arse in there.  There's these
******* cows.  Get em in there.  Get em to crap.  And I'll make you a
ball of poo.  And you can do what the hell you like with it.  Go on.
On your bike.  Are you still here?  **** off!

Conker: Oh.  Charming.

*In the pasture*

Conker: Ah.  Right, don't see any poo here.  Oh.  Hey, uh excuse me.
Hello. Yeah, you.

*Bull looks over at Conker*

Conker: Whoa, friendly type.  I'm looking for some poo. I know it
sounds pretty strange, but...

*Bull runs over to Conker*

Bull: Red!  Red!  I don't like red!  I hate red!  Go away!

Conker: Whoa!  I take it he doesn't like red.  What, I don't see
anything red around...

*Conker looks down*

Conker: Oh.  Here we go again.

*When you fill the trough with prune juice*

Conker: Now, logic would denote that something that drinks that is
gonna get the screaming squits.  Hmm.  Ah.  That looks distinctly like
a target...

*Target comes out of wall*

Conker: ...and there we have a bull.  Yes. I think I get it.

*When you hit the target a ramp lowers and a cow comes out*

Conker: Ah.  A cow.  Now that could be useful.  Right.  This looks like
it needs a little bit more hand-on control.  He's a bit of a wild

Cow: Oh.  That time again, is it?  Oh, I see Bugger Lugs is out here
again. Ah well.  Ah.  There's a nice little patch I think I'll have a
little bit of grass.  Moo.

*camera views the trough*

Conker: Need to get her over there somehow.  Hmm.

*Painted target on wood door thing pops up from ground. Hit the cow
once and*

Cow: Ooh.  Stop your nonsense, young man.  Goodness me.  I've quite
lost me appetite now.  I'm gonna go for a little meander over here.
Hmm.  Actually, I feel a bit thirsty.  A nice tasty beverage should
wash this tasty grass down lovely-like.

*Cow walks over to the trough*

Cow: This looks quite nice.  Looks to be cranberry flavored.  Lovely.

*Cow takes a few slups*

Cow: Hmm.  Tastes a bit odd... oh well, I'll have some more.

*Cow keeps drinking when all of a sudden her butt starts erupting with

Cow: Ooh.  Moo.  Ooh.  Ooh it's like the screaming ***** it is, I'm
outa here!

*Cow runs over to grate in middle of arena and craps in there*

Cow: Ooh.  Ooooh.  Oh, I say, this is far from dignified.  Oh, I hope
Mavis  and Olive don't see this, or I'll never hear the end of it.
Oooh ohh. That's a bit... oooh... that's a bit of a... aaaahh.  Ohh.
I'll just stay here for a while, just in case, ya never know.

Conker: Looks like she's just about ready to go.

*After you do all three cows*

*Conker lands on ground, while the Bull is on the grate.  The grate
starts creaking*

Bull. Why am I such a fat bas...

*Grate collapses.  Conker walks over to hear the bull yelling*

Conker: Hmmm.  Seems to be filled up with poo.  Aaah.  That should do

*After jumping into the poo hole, go collect tail and head through door
way. Context sensitive here*

*Conker pulls out a bottle of pills*

Conker: Confidence pills.  Hmmm.

*He eats some*

Conker: Ah.  Yeah.  Hey!  I feel a lot more confident.  Won't need
these anymore!

*Conker's floaties disappear and pulls out Manual*

Conker's Thoughts: And if I'm a lot more confident, then I should be
able to swim underwater now. would I do that...let's
see....Press B, and that should submerge me.  Then, once I'm
underwater, hold down B to make me swim.  Point the control stick in
the direction you want to go. That's it!

*swim back to the entrance and collect money*

Money: Here I am, ya greedy bastard.

*Conker pockets the money*

Conker: Yeah!  More sponduli!

*after money swim to hole in main part, youíll end up in cabin. Go

Dung Beetle: Yeah, there it is.  Over there.  A big ball of poo.

Conker: Oh thanks.

Dung Beetle: You're welcome to it, mate.

Conker: Yeah, thanks.

*Dung Beetle flies off* (If you use/lose the poo ball, another one will
come down metal tubes, through the cabin, and plop out on the ground)

*roll poo up the hill, it gets bigger*

*Giant Dung Beetle is sleeping, but wakes up, as Conker rolls the poo
up above his head*

Conker's Thoughts: Just add one stick of TNT...

*Conker plops the TNT into the poo ball and pushes it off.  GDB looks
up as poo ball rolls into his mouth.  The TNT explodes along with the

Conker's Thoughts: That's blown it!

*After dung beetle is gone, get new poo ball and roll up to the top*

*Donít push into the opening yet, money is on top of the hill. Super
jump and tail glide to get on top*

*Conker's eyes turn into dollar signs and spins around as he lets out a

Money: Hey, where the **** you been?  Ya ginger bastard!

*Conker pockets the money*

Conker: Cool.  Laughing all the way to the bank.

*now push the poo ball into the giant Poo Mountain.  It rolls down
and breaks through the blocking at the bottom*

*Mine dude is marching at the bottom of the lake place.  Conker pushes
ball off.  Mine dude looks up as it lands on him.  He keeps marching*

*After hitting the plunger*

*Cork at the bottom of lake pops open, creating a whirlpool and sucking
all the fish down.  The two mine dudes try to swim away, but they are
sucked down ending with a burp sound*

Batís Tower (sec3g)

*Conker walks into area through water*

Mrs. Catfish: Yoohoo!  Squirrel person.  Are you begging for food,

Conker: What?

Mrs. Catfish: Well, you look like you could do with a little extra, my
boy, and we thought you might actually be interested in earning some
cash.  Meow

Conker: You're offering me cash. Ok. What's the catch?

Mrs. Catfish: Well, there's this awful, awful brute swimming around.
He's terrible, and he's stolen our valuable belongings.  We need
somebody disposable to go in and, well, get rid of him.  Meow.

Conker: Ah.  Me, you mean.

Mrs. Catfish: Well you can't expect one of us to go, can he ladies?
We're blue-blooded, don't you know.

Conker: Well, asses to you then!  I gotta watch out for myself!

Mrs. Catfish: Oh dear, what language!

Other Catfish: Don't worry, dear.  He's as common as muck.  Commoners
talk like that.  It's dreadful, isn't it?

Mrs. Catfish: Let me handle it, dear.  Listen here.  You.  Listen to
me. We'll give you ten percent, and that's our final offer!  Meow!

Conker: Ten percent?

Mrs. Catfish: Yes, but one thing to remember.  Shh shh shh come closer.
He's easily wound up.  Hmm.  Yes...oh, and by the way, the safe has a
combination, yes, you know what that means?  Well, when it's not
dangerous down there for us, hmm, come back and we'll open it for you.
Well, good luck, go on, chop chop, off with you, uh huh, meow.

*Catfish swim off*

Conker: Hang on a sec.  What was that about disposable?  Hey!  Uh... ah

*Bulldog is swimming away from the camera when he suddenly turns
Camera zooms in on his face while dramatic music plays*

*Conker walks up to cog*

Carl: **** off!

Conker: Why is it that everybody is so offensive round here?

Carl: Either bring me back me missing cogs, or **** off!

Conker: You don't have to shout.

Carl: I'm deaf.  Speak up or **** off!

Conker: HmmmÖ hang on a second.

*Conker flips Carl upside-down, revealing Quentin*

Quentin: Well hello.  Well aren't you the handsome one.  Tell me, would
you be prepared to do me a small favor...for a little help, of course.

Conker: Hi... and, um, yes I would... maybe.

Quentin: You see, my other self has lost some of his, shall we say
friends? And if you don't get them back my life will be a misery, it
already is.

Conker: And?

Quentin: Just get them back, there's a good fellow.  Oh ta ta! Ta ta!

*Quentin flips back around for Carl*

Carl: Eh!  You ****!  Don't ever do that again!  Now **** off!

Bat 1: Hey!  Who's that furry ****?

Bat 2: Where?  I can't see!

Bat 1: Oh for **** sake.

*At the Top of the tower*

Money: Hey.  I'm here.  Hurry up.  Pick me up.  ****head.

*Conker pockets the money*

Conker: Cool.  Laughing all the way to the bank.

*After finding the first cog*

Carl: Ey up, bloody hell.  Put it on, quick.  Put it on I like it like
that!  Ooooohhh...

*Conker slips the Cog on facing towards the wall*

Carl: Aaaaaaahhh.  Fan-*******-tastic!

Conker: Eh...oh, hang on, I think I got it on the wrong way around.

Carl: Like bugger you have, what ya doing?  What....

*Conker changes it's direction*

Carl: Ah ****.

*After finding the second cog*

Carl: Yeah go on.  Get t'another one of them.

*After finding the third cog.*

Carl: Thanks **** head.  No go on **** off with ya.

*After running on the wheel*

*Bulldog is swimming outside when his chain starts tightening.  Blood
out of his mouth as he's dragged backwards.  He starts barking.  Camera
goes back to Conker running on the wheel*

Conker: I gotta get off this thing.

*Conker jumps off and camera goes over to Carl, who's spinning around.
He then flies off his peg.*

Carl: Ooh.  ******** *****!  That's tossed it right up the ****.

*Lady Cogs jump off pegs*

Red Cog: I do declare, ladies.  We are free at last to exact our
on this evil cog.  Grab him!

*Camera goes to Conker who makes expressions as you hear lady cogs beat
on Carl.  Camera fades to black.  Comes back as Carl is pinned to Mr.

Carl: Oh no!  Not Mr. Big Cog!  That's me buggered.

Conker's Thoughts: It certainly is.

Carl: Uh.  I'm outta here!

*Carl flips around and lets Quentin come out*

Quentin: I say, I don't know what his problem is I find it rather
delicious!  Thank you Mr. Squirrel.

Conker: Oh.  My pleasure.

Quentin: Yes, and I think you'll find that you're little problem
has been thoroughly taken care of.

Conker: Oh cool.

Quentin: Now, good day to you sir.

Conker (Under his breath): Toffee-nosed snob.

Red Cog: Why thank you Mr. Squirrel!

*Red Cog kisses Conker*

Conker: Ugh ack uh!

Red Cog: Come on, ladies.  It's the Caribbean for us!

*Cogs hop out with suitcases*

*Meeting the catfish*

Mrs. Catfish: Ladies!  Ladies! Meow.  It's that squirrel person again.
How are you?  I see our brutish friend didn't get his vittles today.

Conker: Yeah, well, time enough for that.  Uh, I need the combination

Mrs. Catfish: Oh, no, no, no you don't seem to understand, yes, you
don't understand us.  We can't go about giving classified information
like that just to anybody.  Meow.  We will open safe, won't we ladies?
Hmm.  Lead the way, hmm!

*Mines come up through hole by Bulldog.  One comes up right while the
other comes up upside-down*

*At the safe*

*Bulldog gets mad and starts barking at Conker*

Conker: Now then, ladies.  There he is.

Mrs. Catfish: Oh...oh look at that.  Poo poo to you!  Yes.  You brute!
Ha haha.  Yes, that told him!

*Bulldog gets REALLY mad and barks furiously.  Catfish reel back*

Mrs. Catfish: Oh dear.  He is bad tempered isn't he, meow?  Now, where
were we?  Um, let me see. Um. Hmm.

*Mrs. Catfish swims down and changes it from Wrong to Right*

Mrs. Catfish: Yeah.  There you go!  Open, meow.

*Safe opens*

Mrs. Catfish: We'll wait here.  Meow.

*Conker enters safe*

Conker: Hello. Um, hello? Money? Money?

*Money is asleep on the other side, but wakes up*

Money: Who the hell are you?  You ain't my boss.  I'm outta here!  I'm
swimming with the fishes!

*Money jumps into water*

Conker: Ugh.  This gig gets worse and worse by the minute.

*In the boiler room, two imps are laughing.  Imp 2 is smoking a cigar
as Imp 1 is drinking a beer.  Imp 1 throws away bottle*

Imp 1: Hey this is a neat joint!

Imp 2: Yeah, it's great!

Imp 1: Gimmie some of that!

Imp 2: **** off!

Imp 1: You bastard.

Imp 2: Gimmie another tab!

Imp 1: **** off!

*Imp 1 farts juices... Conker jumps down from above*

Imp 1: Hey don't look now!  Don't look now!  Look at him.  Furry guy.
Looks kinda flammable!

Imp 2:  Flammable!  Ooh I like flammable!  What do we do?

Imp 1: Hide!  Yeah, hide!  Quick, put the tabs out!

Imp 2: Yeah, *******, what am I gonna do with this?

Imp 1: Just...shove it up your ass.

Imp 2: Oh, ok...

*Imp 2 shoves cigar up his ass*

Imp 2: There we go!

*Imps run off. After you urinate on the imps.*

Imp 1: Let's do the big, big guy!

Imp 2: Yeah, the BIG, big guy!

*Imp's jump in boiler.  Hear footsteps as imps bang around inside the

Imp 1: Right, where's the keys?  Ah.  Press the start button.

*Hear keyboard and engine start up as boiler comes to life and breaks

Imp 2: Let me have a go!

Imp 1: No, it's my turn!

Imp 2: Ah it's always your turn.

Imp 1: Shut up.

Boiler:  Gentlemen, gentlemen, do calm down.  We have business at hand.

Imp 2: Hey he sounds really poncy, likeÖ like some English person.

Conker's Thoughts: Nutters.

Imp 2: Is he up to this job, you reckon?

Imp 1: Hey, up for this job?  Let me show you something.  See that
button there?

Imp 2: Yeah.

Imp 1: The one with the...

Imp 2: Yeah.

Imp 1: Press it.

*Big brass balls pop out from under the boiler*

Imp 2: Whoa.  I see what you mean.

Boiler: Balls of brass, sir!  Polished to the nth degree!

Conker: Oh no.  A bourgeois, big-bullocked boiler.  That's all I need.

*After defeating the boiler, Conker hits the boiler's balls multiple
times with the bricks and baseball bat until they fly off and bounce
around the room*

Boiler: Ouch...

*Boiler falls as Conker runs out of the way*

Imp 1: What the...

Both: OH NO!!

Imp 2: We can't get out through the normal door!

Imp 1: Oh.  Let's go through this door here.  Where does that go?

Imp 2: Um, I don't think we want to go that way.  It's the back


Imp 2: It can't be the only way out, what's this button do?

*Sirens go off as red lights flash*

Computer: Warning!  Warning!  Self-destruct in one second.

Imp 1: Oh you stupid f...

*Boiler blows up sending the imps flying*

*When you roll the ball down the hill, it will run over a mine dude and
go through a wall. When you finally get back to the safe, Conker sees
the money*

Money: So, you want some green stuff?

*Conker pockets the money*

Conker: Yeah!  Cash prizes!

*Conker comes out of safe with money in hand*

Mrs.: Catfish: Oh good, ladies!  Meow he has the money!  Now, give us
our money, honey, and you'll get your dollar.

Conker: What...a dollar?

Mrs. Catfish: Yes yes, meow.  Ten percent, as we agreed.  Meeeow.

*Camera goes to Dogfish's rope, which is about to break*

Conker: One... two... three... ten.  Ten dollars.  Ten dollars! I
though you
said it was a fortune!

Mrs. Catfish: It is a fortune.

*Leash breaks one out of three ropes*

Conker: I'll tell you what.  Here's the new deal.  I keep the lot.  See

Mrs. Catfish: Oh!  The cheek!  Just a minute here, you!  WhatÖ uh...
what do you think you're doing?  That's our mo... wha... eh... meow.

*Second rope breaks.  Mrs. Catfish turns around to see and lets out
frightened expression*

Mrs. Catfish: Oh. Um. Ladies.  Never mind the money for now.  I think
it's time we were off.  Tally ho.

*Catfish swim off*

*When you leave the area, Bulldog breaks free and chases you.  When it
reaches the first cat, it grabs it and shakes it about.  Dead body
falls to the ground as kind of sad music plays.  At the end, Conker
runs up bridge as the dogfish chases him, breaking it apart.  Conker
dives just in time to save himself as the dogfish gets stuck in the

Money (above bulldog): So, you want some green stuff?

*Conker pockets the money*

Conker: Cool.  I'll be able to get rid of my mortgage, and buy my car.

Sloprano (sec3h)

*Conker walks into giant poo mound and takes off his gas mask.  Dung
beetle flies into Conker, trying to get out*

Conker: Hey, pal, watch where you're going!

Beetle: Eh.  Alright there.  Take my advice and get outta here.
There's sumtin really bad in there.  You just don't wanna go in there.

Conker: Calm down.  Now, just calm down and tell me what's the matter.

Beetle: Right.  Ok.  It all started about two days ago...

*Camera goes to beetles having tea*

Beetle: I... it was me and the lads.  We were havin a cuppa tea. The
thing we know Tezza is gone.

*Giant hand grabs Tezza from behind and drags him under*

Beetle: We couldn't find him!  We thought ah, maybe he's just gone off,
ya know, do a bit of shoppin or sumtin.  He never came back.  Bazza was

*Camera goes to Bazza walking around in the poo mound*

Beetle: He was just walkin along minding his own business So I stood
and I said "Hey, Bazza!  How'ya doin there, like, mate?"  And he waved

*Bazza waves as giant hand comes up behind him and waves also*

Beetle: And that was it...this thing came out of the *****!

*Hand grabs Bazza and pulls him under*

Beetle: And I thought to myself "Oh no.  Oh oh I'm getting out of
this!" And when I came out, cause I thought it was all clear, the lads
were gone. The bastards had nailed me in.  I'm outta here.  You can do
what you like. There's some money up there if you can be arsed to get
it.  Seeyas.

*Beetle flies out behind Conker*

*Conker sees some sweet corn jumping around*

Conker: Sweet corn, heh.  How ya doing, guys?

Voice:  Bring me some sweet corn!

Conker: Who's that?  Can't see anyone... hmmmm... ok... if that's what

*Conker throws sweet corn in.  Sweet corn hovers for a moment and looks

Corn: *Gulp*

*Suddenly, sweet corn is sucked under...then pops back up screaming and
yelling as he's thrashed around in the poo.  Then he goes under....*

*Great Mighty Poo comes up slowly, then eats the sweet corn*

*Great Mighty Poo starts singing in verses*

Great Mighty Poo: *Cough* Mememememe. I am the Great Mighty Poo and I'm
going to throw my **** at you. A huge supply of tish come from my
chocolate starfish. How about some scat you little ****?

*After the first round of TPing...*

Great Mighty Poo: Do you really think you'll survive in here? You don't
seem to know which creek you're in. Sweet corn is the only thing that
makes it through my rear. How'd you think I keep this lovely grin?

*The Great Might Poo grins with ďTingĒ sound*

Great Mighty Poo: Have some more caviar.  Hahaha.

*He then throws pooball at Conker who dodges it but it lands on B-Pad.
After the second round of TPing...*

Great Mighty Poo: Now I'm really getting rather mad. You're like a
niggly tickly ***** little tag nut. When I've knocked you out with all
my bab I'm going to take your head and ram it up my butt!

Conker:  Your butt?

Great Mighty Poo: My butt!

Conker: Your BUTT?

Great Mighty Poo: That's right my butt!

Conker: Uhhh.

Great Mighty Poo: My BUTT!

Conker: Aaahh.

Great Mighty Poo: My buuuuuuuuuuut!

*The glass covering the flusher cracks a little. After the final round
of TPing, the Great Mighty Poo sings higher and higher notes until the
flusher glass breaks. When you grab the flusher and pull, the Great
Mighty Poo starts flushing*

Great Mighty Poo:  Ah you cursed squirrel look what you've done.  I'm
flushing I'm flushing!  Oh what a world what a world.  Who would have
thought a good little squirrel like you could destroy my beautiful
claggyness. Oooh I'm going!  Ahh.  Aaaahh.  Nooo!  Aaaaaahhhhh!

Conker: Now that's what a call a bowel movement.

*Fart sounds come from hole as song finishes up.  Door opens*

Money: Here I am, ya greedy bastard.

*Conker pockets the money*

Conker: Yeah!  More sponduli!

*Berri is still exercising in her house when she hears a knock at the

Berri: He'd, like, better have a good excuse this time.  That is the
last time he stands me up.

*Berri opens the door*

Berri:  Conker!  I've had it just about up to...*Gasp*..who are you?

*Rock guy stands there*

Berri: Look, whatever it is you're selling, I'm just not interested.

*Rock guy sucker-punches Berri and drags her out of the house*

*Conker walks up to the Panther Kingís guards. The fat one is behind a
rock taking a dump.*

Slim Guard:  You'll have to pay the toll.

Conker: You mercenaries.  Here ya go!

*Hands guard the money*

Conker:  A thousand dollars.

Slim Guard: Thank you.

Conker:  Can I get through?

Slim Guard: Hey.  I'm not finished yet.  We're looking for a squirrel,
and I think, by the description given to me, that you are a squirrel.

Conker:  I am not a squirrel.

Slim Guard: Yes you are.  You fit the description perfectly.

Conker: Oh, really, and, uh, could you describe this description to me?

Slim Guard: Well, fur...a big bushy tail...and a twitchy
nose.  You're a squirrel all right, and you're coming with me.

*Guard grabs a hold of Conker*

Conker: Look, I told you I'm not a squirrel and get your hands off me!

Slim Guard: Well, what are you then?

Conker:  I'm an elephant!  Squirrels aren't short and furry.  They're
big and gray!

Slim Guard: What?

Conker:  Yeah!  And as for twitchy noses...

Slim Guard: They don't have them?

Conker: Heh.  No.  They're long and snouty, and they also have flappy

Slim Guard:  Are you sure?

Conker:  Psh.  Of course I'm sure!  See ya!

*Conker walks past guard as other guard walks out from behind rock*

Fat Guard: Ah there's nothing quite like a good ****.  Now then, eh...

*Fat Guard sees Conker, looks at Slim Guard, looks back at Conker*

Slim Guard:  It's alright, it's alright.  That's not a squirrel.  He's
an elephant.

Fat Guard:  An stupid ****.

Conker: Oh yeah let's see.  *Whistles*

*Money jumps out of guard's pocket and comes back over to Conker*

Uga Buga (sec3i)

*On top of the temple is some money*

Money: Hey, where the **** you been?  Ya ginger bastard.

*Conker pockets the money*

Conker: Cool!  I can put in for the rest of my dead presidents.

*Also on the top of the temple is a statue. Pressing B on the top of
this will cause Conker to turn into and anvil, pushing the statue
through the roof.  A caveman is below and will look up and open his
mouth before being squished. Conker will roll away*

*Conker will roll a rock down a slanted portion of floor. Two cavemen
will be at the bottom.  They will turn around and see the rock just
before being squished. The rock breaks through a door, and sends one
caveman flying into a lava pit. Another caveman will get flattened when
the rock lands*

*Conker enters and his eyes bulge out as the camera shows statue with
lava balls flying around and dramatic music plays*

Conker: Hey, maestro!  Don't you think that's a little bit too
dramatic? Can you give me something with a bit more of a beat?

*Tribal Beats plays*

Conker: Yeah.  That's better.

*Conker sits down on egg and gets comfortable.  Screen goes black and
script appears saying "Some time later...".  Egg starts to crack after
black screen*

Conker: Oh. Ooh.  Ah, here it comes. Whatever it is...

*Conker jump off and lands on ground.  The camera views the egg broken.
Then this big purple dinosaur head pops out*

Baby Dino: Hello.  Ooh.  Looky.

*Conker brushes himself off and watches as the dinosaur jumps out and
lands on the monk.  Dino walks over to Conker, makes gibberish, and
then says "Mummy. Mummy."*

Conker: Oh, hiya.  Yep, that's right I'm your mommy.  Come on.  Follow

*Dinosaur stands there looking cute*

Conker:  This is gonna be interesting.

*Dinosaur looks up and sees slab just as it starts to fall.  It lands
as blood flies everywhere.  Conker turns around to see the Dinosaur
statue head rumble*

The God: I am pleased with your offering

*The head opens and a big long tongue covered in mucus rolls out.
Conker leaps out of the way before the tongue squishes him.  A monk
then walks down to the tip of the tongue. On the statueís back is some

Money: So, another wise guy? Címon then!

*Conker swipes the money.*

Conker: Cool. Iím gonna have that gold card before you know it.

*Once you sprinkle pepper in both of the statueís nostrils, it will
sneeze, sending Conker bouncing off the wall and onto the floor*

*After walking through the statue, Conker comes upon a dead caveman.*

Conker: Oh... Ok... Letís see now.

*Conker picks up the cavemanís hat and puts it on.*

Conker: Yeh... Kinda suits me.

*Upon exiting the mouth of the statue, Conker will touch his hat.*

Conker: Feels quite comfy this. Uh-oh...

*The cavemen now run over to Conker.*

Conker: Oh! Not these guys again!

*The cavemen start bowing to Conker.*

Conker: Oh... Yeh... Yeh, I know. Yeh, I know Iím great. I know...
Okay, those rock monster guys up there, do you like them?

*A caveman shakes his head ďNoĒ.*

Conker: Well, I donít like them either. Fancy getting rid of them?

*All of the cavemen nod.*

Conker: You sure?

*They all nod again*

Conker: Okay! Follow me!

*When Conker and the cavemen get to the nightclub.*

Conker: Okay, guys! Let me have the first pop, and heís all yours.

*After beating the crap out of all the rock monsters.*

Bouncer: I said, no sneakers! Buzz off!

Conker: Eh, I think youíll let us in somehow, what with my friends

*A caveman grunts and swings a club.*

Conker: Alright, guys. Just steady on... Iíll sort this out. So,
whaddya say?

Bouncer: You seem like my kind of guys. Ok. But Iíll need the password.

Conker: Password? Guys, do you know what the password is?

Caveman: *not even recognizable* Fedelio

Conker: f*****?

Caveman: *shakes his head and repeats* Fedelio

Conker: Fedelio?

Bouncer: Hmmm. How do you know that?

Conker: I know everything! Iím the king. Well, I will be. Didnít you
see the prologue?

Bouncer: What?

Conker: Oh, nothing. Can we come in?

Bouncer: Yeah.

Conker: Letís have some fun.

*Inside the nightclub, when you step on the switch, the wall will open
and you will see Berri in a cage. When you get the last of the switches
set and pee a rock monster into a hole, the cage will break free and
Berri ill run out.*

Conker: Hey, Berri! Berri! Whereís she gone? Berri! Oh! She didnít
recognize me with this on my head! Ah well! Right! I think itís time to
leave this place! Itís getting a bit noisy!!

*When you get to the money in Berriís cage*

Money: Yeh! Iím here! Hurry up! Pick me up, ****head!

*Conker pockets the money*

Conker: Excellent! Jet-packs and butlers, here we come!

*At the door*

Conkerís Thoughts: Donít forget the cash!

*Conker pulls out the cash, puts it back in his pocket, and nods*

Conker: See you then!

Bouncer: Huh! Where do you think youíre going with that?

Conker: What?

Bouncer: The money.

Conker: Oh, Iím following her!

Bouncer: I donít think so. I think you need to see the boss!

Conker: Okay!

*Scene changes to a table surrounded by weasels. Berri is sitting there
as well. The bouncer brings Conker in*

Bouncer: Well, this is the fella.

Conker: Get off me!

Boss: So! This is the wise guy that tried to steal my dough. Whaddya
gotta say for yourself, boy?

Conker: Eh, what? Oh hey, hey, Berri! Howíre you doing? Itís me!

Boss: Do you know this tea leaf?

Berri: Yeah! Like Iíd associate with a caveman!

Boss: The broad does not seen to know you.

Berri: Like, is it okay if I go now? I gotta go powder my nose.

Boss: Get outta here. Right, letís get back to business. I just got one
thing to do though. Iíll be with you in a minute. People have gotta
show appropriate levels of respect. When you step outta line, you can
expect to be respected back. One of you guys has shown no respect. Who
is it? I donít know. Could have been...

*Camera changes to a weasel*

Boss: Frankie!

*Frankie shakes his head*

Boss: Couldíve been...

*Camera changes to another weasel*

Boss: Chicho!

*Chicho shakes his head no*

Boss: Couldíve been...

*Camera changes to a third weasel. The boss is standing behind him with
a baseball bat*

Boss: Paulie!

*Paulie shakes his head pleadingly. Scene changes and you can hear
Paulie being beaten*

Boss: Donít you ever! Do that! Again! To me!

*Scene changes back to the dead Paulie on the table, then back to

Conker: Look, you know, you can have the money. In fact, Iíve got more
money. You can have that too... if you want? Oh no, what am I doing?

Boss: You can keep the money. But you gotta do me a little job first.

Conker: A job? Oh yeah, cool, but I mean, Iím gonna have toÖ Iíll have
to consider it first. What is it? What do I have to do?

Boss: Good, good. Iím glad you accepted... Step this way.

*Scene changes to a hallway with a bomb*

Boss: Ok, hereís the plan. We got ourselves a little problem. In fact,
several little problems. You already got the disguise... so thatís that
one covered. What else you need is one of these. Its called... a bomb.

*A picture of a caveman appears*

Boss: These are the problem. Where they came from? I donít know. The
seem totally outta place in this ecosystem. But theyíre here, and
theyíre on my parch. So, what I propose you do... is use your disguise
acumen. Take the bomb...

*A picture of outside the club appears*

Boss: Through here...

*A picture of Berriís ass appears*

Boss: Down...

*The picture changes to the statue head*

Boss: ... Here...

*The picture changes to the mucus-filled hallway*

Boss: Out of here...

*The picture changes to the hatched dinosaur egg*

Boss: And drop it here. And by the way... when that bomb goes off... I
suggest you leave town. And if you donít pull it off... I suggest you
leave town. Letís go to work.

*When you drop the bomb.*

Conker: And sheís away!

*The bomb explodes and the chamber starts to fill with lava.*

Conker: Oh! Oh no... Oh no... Oh no...

*When you travel farther down the path, you appear in a somewhat grassy

Conker: Where could we be now, then?

*Conker sees a caveman.*

Conker: Oh hi, I...

*Conker is knocked out mid-sentence by another caveman. When he comes
to, the cavemen are on hover boards.*

Caveman 1: Hey, squirrel. Youíve woken up. Ha ha! Look what weíve got!
We nicked your money! Money! Money! Money!

Conker: I recognize that money. Oh no! What is the world coming to...
when a squirrel canít even go to a dinosaur-themed world without
getting mugged by a bunch of prehistoric brats! Oi! Give me my money

Caveman 1: Prepare to moony moon him. About face!

*The cavemen moon Conker. As they turn back around, one of them farts
and falls off his hover board.*

Conker: Hahaha! Aah! Now that gives me another idea...

Caveman 1: Haha! Simon, the stupid bastard, fell off!

Caveman 2: Yeah, the stupid bastard is burned up!

Caveman 1: Now, if the stupid squirrel wants his money back... he can
use Simonís board to race us!

Caveman 2: Yeah, letís go race him.

Caveman 1: Letís go!

Conker: Right! Time to teach those gyro spazers a lesson!

*After the race, you are launched up a ramp that leads to the rest of
your money. Once Conker rides to the end of the new tunnel, he loses
control, the board blows up, and you are in the middle of an arena with
cheering cavemen.*

Conker: Ah yeh! This is more like it. An appreciative audience at last.
Somebodyís pleased to see me. Yeh, I know, Iím great, yeh, oh! I knew
it was too good to be true.

Buga: All the way up it. Yeowch! Ooh, bleed, bleed, bleed. Nice and big
one! Who is that?

*The camera zooms in on Conker, then goes back to Buga.*

Buga: A squirrel. Send in Fangy. Saturday matinee.

*The camera shows all of the stands then goes to Conker.*

Conker: Hmm. Not quite sure whatís going on here. There seems to be a
door over there. So I think Iíll just mosey on over and say my

*Camera shows a bunch of cavemen coming out of a door. They are forced
off of a plank. When you go over to the big door...*

Conker: Oh, hi, um, youíre going this way too, I take it. Iíll just
wait here and follow you guys.

*Fangy roars when the camera shows the door*

Conkerís thoughts: What the...?

*The door opens and the ground starts shaking.*

Conker: Oh! This doesnít sound good.

*The camera shows the open door, then shows Buga, then shows the
perspective of whatís coming out of the door. There is roaring andÖ
itís a dinosaur! The caveman standing next to Conker soils himself.*

Buga: Brown loincloth time!

*Fangy eats a caveman and Conker pulls out his pocket watch.*

Conker: Oh. Is it that time? I gotta scoot.

*If Fangy bites you...*

Buga: Fangy showed the squirrel. Thatís how itís done.

*When you get to the B-pad, Conker pulls out his pocket watch and
swings it back and forth to calm Fangy. Conker then climbs on Fangyís
back. After you eat the first caveman...*

Buga: Ooh! Nasty! Nasty!

*After you kill the first batch of cavemen...*

Buga: What a pair! Uh, ah well. We need some more entertainment. Send
in the infantry.

Conker: Oh, donít like the look of this. I think theyíre sending in the
big boys.

*Cavemen armed with clubs jump off the plank. All of them land in a
line except the last one, who lands on his face in front of it.*

Infantryman 1: Bruce! Get back in line. Stupid prat.

Bruce: Who moved the line?

*Bruce gets back in line.*

Infantryman 1: Taunt the squirrel...

*The infantry do a taunting dance, then charge.*

Conker: Okay, big fella. I think itís time for the hors díoevres.

*Fangy nods in agreement. After you eat the first of this group...*

Buga: More blood and guts.

*When you clear this group, cavemen with javelins appear*

Conker: Uh oh! Ranged combat. Now this could be a bit tricky.

*When you kill them another group will appear. When you kill that
group, the camera will go back to Buga.*

Buga: Oh dear! That was not supposed to happen.

Cavewoman: Oh, but heís so cute, though. Heís got a larger bone than

Buga: No one has a bone as big as mine.

Cavewoman: If youíre so big, why donít you show him, big boy.

Buga: Ok then! Iím gonna take my big bone, and smash that furry

*Buga grabs his club and starts down to the middle of the arena.*

Conker: Oh my giddy aunt! This is not good.

*Buga lands on the middle part of the arena and farts.*

Buga: Nobody remarks about my bone. Youíre going to get it, squirrel.

Conker: I know youíre not a vegetarian. I think we should go for the
meat and two veg. Looks like it needs a bit of tenderizing, though. You
know what I mean?

*Fangy nods. After biting Buga in the ass three times, his loincloth
falls down to his feet revealing a very small blotched out area. The
crowd starts laughing, including the cavewoman and Conker.*

Conker: Big boner, my ass!

Buga: Aahhh! My secret! My very small willy...

*Buga then runs off through the wall*

*Conker: Well, so ends another incident in my day. Now...

*The camera shows the cavewoman and Conker purrs.*

Conker: I think we should go up there and pay those babes a visit. Iím
pretty determined to get something out of this. Maybe thereís some cash
up there, too. Ah well, live in hope.

*Conker turns to Fangy*

Conker: Right you! I think this is where we say goodbye. Oh no, donít
start that. I know we had a good time together, but the funís over now.
Go on. Off with you. Right, babe time...

*The camera changes to a view following Conker.*

Conker: Hey... what are you doing? Stop following me. Go back, go on...

*Conker takes a bone from a dead caveman*

Conker: Er... ah well, fetch.

*Conker throws the bone into the door Fangy came out of and Fangy
chases after it. The door closes after Fangy goes through.*

Conker: Ha... good. Psychology, always works with these animals. Now
then, letís see.

*Once you go through a door...*

Conker: Babe? Where are those big babes? Huh?

*Conker is at the feet of a giant cavewoman.*

Conker: Paradise!

*Conker passes out and when he wakes up, the giant cavewoman is holding

Cavewoman: Wake up! Bedtimeís over. Ahh, youíre so cute.

Conker: Hello, hello, I love you.

Cavewoman: No, I canít love you anymore. Conker and Jugga wonít work.

Conker: What? No, no, we can work it out.

Jugga: Conker, you will break my heart.

Conker: No, Iíll be good. Iíll be really good. Iíll be a new squirrel.
The drinkís out. Whatever you heard about me, itís not true. Itís
totally exaggerated.

Jugga: Iíll put you here. Jugga doesnít like goodbyes. But bye-bye. You
go, leave now.

Conker: Bye-bye, then.

Jugga: Iíll always love you.

Conker: Bye-bye. Ah well.

*Conker turns his head and sees money. The music comes to a screeching
halt and the money hops off.*

Conker: Every cloud has a silver lining.

*When you catch up to the money, Conkerís eyeís turn into dollar signs
and spin.*

Money: So, you want some green stuff?

*Conker pockets the money.*

Conker: Yeh! Letís hope thereís more where that came from.

Windy Part 3 (sec3j)

*When you walk outside the poo cabin, you will see the wasps have
stolen the bee hive again. When you get to Queen Bee...*

Queen Bee: Oh! Oh! Itís you Mr. Squirrel. Iím so happy to see you

Conker: Oh, Really? Iím happy to see you. Hey! Whereís the hive gone?

Queen Bee: Thatís just the point. Theyíve stolen it again. And I donít
know what to do. My husband hasnít returned yet. Heís a fiend. If he
were here, heíd sort them out. Itís just gonna have to be somebody

Conker: Oh, really! And who would that be this time, I wonder?

Queen Bee: Well! You did help last time, and I donít know who to turn

Conker: Ok! Ok! But whatís in it for me?

Queen Bee: Oh... money!

Conker: Yeah, but itíll have to be double last time.

Queen Bee: Double... ok!

Conker: ... Treble.

Queen Bee: ... ok! Get my hive back.

Conker: Ok, Iíll get it back. Where is it?

Queen Bee: Just follow the signs again. Youíll have to go a bit
further. Itís a deep insurgency mission this time. It wonít be as easy,
I can tell you.

Conker: Really. Deep insurgency. Quadruple!

Queen Bee: What!

Conker: Oh, ok, fair enough. This looks quite nice over here. Iíll just

Queen Bee: Ok! Come back. Quadruple. That will be two hundred dollars?

Conker: Hang on a sec. My math isnít that good, but I seem to think it
was four hundred dollars.

Queen Bee: Ok... Go on then!

*If you work your way to the top of the wasp hive, there is money. When
you reach it, Conkerís eyes will turn into dollar signs and spin.*

Money: Hey, where the **** you been, ya ginger bastard.

*Conker pockets the money.*

Conker: Cool! Laughing all the way to the bank.

*When you get to the bee hive and hop in, you will be surrounded by
bees. When you defeat them all, Queen Bee will appear.*

Queen Bee: Mr. Squirrel, hurry, hurry. I think thereís a bit of a lull
in the waves. Hop out and carry the hive, now, quickly! No time to

*When you pick up the hive, the three wasps from before appear.*

Wasp with Cigar: Hey! Some wise guyís trying to steal our nice new hive
again. Itís the same little bastard. Címon boys.

Skinny Wasp: What, again? Letís get him, boss!

Fat Wasp: Yeah, letís get him! Again.

*When you return the hive, it turns into a gun turret with missile
launchers. Queen Bee will hop inside and aim at the slim wasp*

Slim Wasp: *Gulp*

Conker: Chew on this, buzz suckers!

*Queen Bee will fire the turrets and missiles. They will kill the fat
and slim wasps, while the wasp with the cigar makes it smoking over the

Wasp with Cigar: Youíll never get me!

*A missile then hits the wasp, blowing him to pieces. Queen Bee will
hop out of the hive.*

Queen Bee: Thank you Mr. Squirrel. Once again Iíd like to thank you for
your good service and noble contribution to the bee community. I
somewhat begrudgingly present you with these.

*Four wads of money appear:

Wads of money: Hey! Somebody call for us?

*Conkerís eyes turn into dollar signs and spin*

Wads of money: Who wants some of us doughs?

*Conker pockets them all*

Conker: Yeah! More sponduli.

Queen Bee: I hope thatís the last thing that happens to us. What could
possibly go wrong now? Hereís to a wonderful year.

*When you reach the windmill...*

Conker: There you go, now what?

Mr. Barrel: Want to go for a ride?

Conker: Ummm... Not really.

Mr. Barrel: Not really what?

Conker: A ride.

Mr. Barrel: A ride, yeh! Letís go for a ride.

*When you ride Mr. Barrel to the end of the path, Conker will jump off
and Mr. Barrel will go rolling the other way. He rolls right into the
wooden blockade in the river and explodes, blowing the blockade away.
Conker will pass out. When he wakes up, itís night.*

Conker: Must have been out for some time. Itís night.

Spooky (sec3k)

*When you go the the oher side of where the blockade was, Conker will
don a Van Helsing outfit. He will also be walking in a river of blood.
Some Boulders will block the way you came in.*

Conker: Oh no! Guess Iím not going back that way.

*If you follow the river, you will see Gregg and some catfish. When you
walk up to Gregg...*

Gregg: I donít bloody believe it! Theyíve got fish versions of the
little bastards now. Come here! Iíll show them. Aaah! Missed the little
***** again. Iíve got your number, mate. Itís down to two for you. Aah,
thereís a oner. Not long for you now, you little prick!

*After you pull the lever and open the big doors, you will go back to

Gregg: Oh! You again! Why donít you piss off? Canít you see Iím busy? I
suppose you want to go up there now, do you? Where thereís lots of
money, no doubt. One of those rich ancestors of yours. Bloody undead!
Unbloody dead! I mean itís even worse than bloody cats! Undead! Whatís
the bloody point? Um. You may be needing a bit of help. So Iíve got
this. I hate the undead. Hate them! Itís the only thing that kills
them. Shot through the head. Nothing more, nothing less. Itís better
than that pissing baseball bat, thatís for sure! Take it! Thatís it!
Piss off!

Conker: A shotgun. Yeah! Donít like the sound of zombies, though.
Still, if it gets on his nerves, then thatís all right by me. And what
was that about an ancestor? Undead ancestor. Well, if heís undead then
technically that makes him kinda dead. Which means I should get the
inheritance. I mean, how bad can a handful of dead people be? Theyíre
dead! Well, undead. Hmmm. Now letís see, shotgun. I think its one of
those B pressing moments, donít you?

*Press B and Conker will pull out the shotgun.*

Conker: Letís go!

*Continue up the path and zombies will pop out of the ground. When you
kill enough zombies, Gregg will appear. When you get to him...*

Gregg: Ah! Not bad I suppose. Thatís another twelve souls. Right, come
on! In you go! And I think youíll find that youíre the one whoíll be
needing a will. Inheritance, pah!

*when you get to the end of the path, you will be at a mansion. Conker
will open the doors and there will be another squirrel on the stairs.*

Ancestor: Velcome to my house. Please, enter of your own free will. And
bring with you some of the happiness that is so evident in your face,
and so lacking in my own.

Conker: Huh! Heís not kidding there! Okay, Iíll just cross this
threshold here. Iím sure thatís of some significance, I canít think
what it is. Anyway, nice hairdo.

Ancestor: Vat?

Conker: Nothing!

Ancestor: So, ve seldom have visitors in these parts, vat being out
here, in ze middle of nowhere, on such a cold and gloomy night. Pray,
follow me. You look as if... you are in need of sustenance, and I have
many things to eat... and drink! Pray, follow.

Conker: Oh, okay. Food, yeah... getting a bit sick of chocolate,

Ancestor: As you can see, the house is in somevat a state of repair. Ve
are having a few refurbishments doing at ze moment and... ... I vas
going to have all this knocked through to make one big eh... but
anyvay, I think veíll just stick to ze conservatory, for the present.
Ah, my dining room.

*The scene changes to Conker eating a turkey leg and drinking wine.*

Ancestor: More vine?

Conker: I donít mind if I do, thank you. Eh, youíre not drinking then?

Ancestor: No. I never drink... vine.

Conker: So, em, whoís this guy here? He looks, eh... he looks like you!

Ancestor: Mmmm... my forefather. He vas a crusader in a war of long
ago. When ve were allies... vit ze squirrels and ze panthers. Zat
union, alas! Vas not successful.

Conker: Yeah, and he had really stupid teeth, as well! Didnít they have
any dentists back then?

Ancestor: Enough! Who are you to criticize me or my ancestors, whoís
blood runs in these veins. You are not of noble birth, and never vill
be. Pray, accept my apologies. Vhenever I talk about my ancestors, I
get somewhat, touchy.

Conker: Aw, thatís all right. I know how it is, families! So, eh, ya
been here long?

Ancestor: Hmmm, about 300 years!

Conker: Quite a big family, then?

Ancestor: No, itís just me.

*Something starts howling.*

Conker: Whatís that noise?

Ancestor: Ah, the children of the night. Vat sweet music they make.

Conker: Music? Theyíre howling.

*Thereís a thud on the door.*

Ancestor: Vat is that noise?

Conker: Sounds like someoneís braying at the door! They donít like you
either, I take it.

Ancestor: Ah, ****. Ze villagers again. Sounds like there is more of
them zis time. Zis could be your lucky night, Conker. I vas going to
kill you and drink your blood. But now I think I vill be needing your
help. Pray, come here.

Conker: Eh, can we just go back a bit there? The drinking-my-blood bit.
Whatís all that abou...

Ancestor: I said, come here!

*The door finally breaks open and villagers pour in. The scene changes
to a large bat hanging from a rope. You guessed it, itís the ancestor.*

Ancestor: Ah, delicious. And familiar. I think you are my great, great,
great, great, great grandson, Conker. Velcome to the family. Velcome
indeed. I have a little task for you. These little villagers...
occasionally pop into my establishment, to have a little fun... and see
if they can kill me! Itís never vorked yet! As you can see, Iíve had a
few... minor alterations to the house. Ve have the grinder! And ve have
ze pumps. And ve have some other bits and pieces. It is your duty, your
errand, indeed, the whole point of your existence, as of this day, to
fetch me the villagers, put them in the grinder, and let me feed. You
may feed too, if you vish, but only later! Vell?

*There is a bunch of squeaking.*

Ancestor: Ah yes, I forgot. You can only speak, like vat you are... ...
a bat! Right, chop-chop! Fetch me the villagers. I am hungry.

*Once you drop a villager in the grinder, the pumps will start working
and your ancestor will drink some.*

Ancestor: Delicious!

*Drop in 2 more villagers and your ancestor feeds again.*

Ancestor: Vonderful! Bring me more!

*A strand of the rope holding the ancestor will break. Drop in 2 more

Ancestor: Oh yeh! Delicious!

*Another strand holding the ancestor will break. When you drop the
final 2 in...*

Ancestor: Oh! I think I have drunk too much!

*The rope will completely break and the ancestor will fall into the
grinder. Conker will turn back into a squirrel.*

Conker: That doesnít happen to you every day.

*Zombies will appear in the mansion.*

Conker: More zombies! Time for the double-barrel boy... ... hopefully
for the last time.

*When youíre putting the final key in the door...*

Conker: Right!

*The door opens.*

Conker: Finally!

*An undead worm shows up.*

Conker: Oh yeah, I forgot about those guys. Hmmmm, mmm, yeah.

*When you ride Mr. Barrel to the end of the line, there will be money.
Conkerís eyes will turn into dollar signs and spin.*

Money: So you want some green stuff?

*Conker pockets the money.*

Conker: Yeh! Cash prizes!

Itís War! (sec3l)

*A war ad pops up.*

Sergeant: Thatís right. Itís war once again. Your country needs you
now, boys. We are fighting an enemy like we have never encountered

*Tediz walk across the screen.*

Sergeant: The are evil beyond reproach. Where they have come from I do
not know. We need to send them back to wherever it was they came from.
We need you, soldier! Yes...  ... you! Sign up at the nearest signing-
up station. Should be one near you. But remember, soldier, your country
will be indebted to you.

*When you reach the signing-up station, a plane will get shot down.

Sergeant: Dang, boy! We sure is lucky bastards! To survive that
atrocious atrocity! Come over here now, sonny! Attention!

*Conker salutes.*

Sergeant: Thatís better, form a nice line... oh! Thereís only one of
you, right, son... we have a problem. At 08:30 boat must arrive... at
said destination. Then! At 08:25, wait? Oh... eh? 08... oh ****! Tell
you what... **** that ****. You certainly look like a resourceful guy.
I donít much care for... the attire. But letís just see if you can
redeem yourself. Here is the mission... you can accept it as you wish.
One... clear the way. We have gotta get our men outta here pronto! We
is got a war to fight! Two... clear the way! Oh eh! **** that ****.
What are you waiting for, sonny? Get that dang thing outta there.
Right! See you in the boat.

*The sergeant marches off singing.*

Sergeant: I donít know what Iíve been told... do do do do do do do... I
donít know what Iíve been told... do do do... I donít know... what eh?
Ah, **** that ****!

*When you knock on the bathroom door...*

Conker: Woah, youíve got a problem.

Guy in bathroom: Hi there little fella, are you the janitor? I donít
suppose you have any toilet paper?

Conker: No, Iím not the janitor, and can we please have this
conversation somewhere else? I think Iím starting to gag.

Guy in bathroom: Yeh, Iíve got a bit of a problem. Iíll come out now.

*He comes out of the bathroom.*

Guy that was in bathroom: I seem to have this thing attached to my
back. I canít see what it is.

Conker: Oh, you neednít worry about that. Címon, letís go!

Guy that was in bathroom: Iím a little tired. Could you just give me a
hand? Just get around back there, and just give me a hand?

Conker: Well, okay.

*If you didnít move the block out of the way, he will fall in the lake
and explode. If that happens, just knock on the door again.*

Conker: Oh, hey, another one, hi.

Guy in bathroom: What do you mean? I donít suppose you could...

Conker: Yeah, I know, toilet paper. Címon, out!

*When you get the first guy to the destination, heíll sit down.*

Guy from bathroom: Iíll just stay here. You go on.

*When you go back and pull the switch, a B-pad will appear. When you
get the second guy to the other side of the plane...*

Guy from bathroom 2: Iíll just sit here.

*When you go up to the B-pad, shoot both guys and theyíll explode,
clearing the wreckage of the plane. Go down to the boat.Ē

Conker: Ok Iíve done what you asked.

Sergeant: Well done, soldier! What the hellís that?

*Conker looks and the Sergeant punches him out. When Conker comes to,
heís in a boat full of soldiers.*

Conker: Somebody hit me on the head! Where am I? Whatís this doing on
my head. Hi guys. Would somebody mind telling me whatís going on here?

*One of the soldiers throws up.*

Conker: Oh, suit yourself.

Boat driver: Ok! 30 seconds! Nice knowing you guys!

*After many of the squirrels being killed, Conker will freak out.*

Conker: Get me the heck outta here!

*Once you get through to the Tediz base.*

Soldier 1: Hey! Whereís the rest of them?

Conker: This is it, I think. Yeh Iím the only one!

Soldier 1: Not enough! Not enough!

Conker: Whatís going on here?

Soldier 1: Tediz everywhere. This is the last assault. Itís not looking

Conker: Tediz... I hate these guys!

Soldier 1: Get your head down!

*Bullets scatter the ground.*

Conker: This is crazy!

Soldier 1: Yeh, weíve been locked down here for the last ten hours.
Murder holes up there. Machine gun nests, you gotta clear them out,

*Bullets hit the ground again.*

Conker: What was that you were saying?

*The soldier is shown dead.*

Conker: Ugh! Yeh, I gotta do it. But Iím not equipped.

*A light bulb appears over Conkerís head and you hear the ever familiar
ďtingĒ noise.*

Conker: Yep. I think you should press B now.

*When you press B, Conker, will pull out a cigar and a machine gun.*

Conker: Ok, soldier. Move it out.

*Tediz will appear from every direction. Continuing through the game,
you will get to a point where you reach an elevator and you see
something chasing you. When Conker finally gets in the elevator, the
doors shut just in time and he starts moving.*

Conker: Surely it canít get any worse than that.

*Elevator music starts playing. Eventually you will get to a room with
two tediz surgeons in it.*

Conker: Whatís this? This is a bit different. What are those guys? Oh,
more tediz...

Surgeon 1: Really, thatís incredible.

Surgeon 2: What if you were to give this game. To say, twenty...
intelligent people. I mean, what would that do? Letís face it. What
would it do?

Surgeon 1: Really, thatís interesting.

*You hear Conker cock his gun.*

Surgeon 2: What the ****? Itís that bloody squirrel! Quick, into

*The tediz throw away their smokes and pull out scalpels. After the
battle with the many surgeons, a massive tediz surgeon will break out
of a tank. After the battle with him, you will see a squirrel in an
electric chair.*

Soldier 2: Am I glad to see you... could you get me outta here? I think
itís that switch over there... but, be careful... I think the other one
is, you know... frying tonight!

Conker: Yeh, um, just stay there... the cavalry has arrived! Ha! Sorry
you canít move. Letís see now.

Soldier 2: Do you know which switch it is?

Conker: Yeh, um, itís written on it. Eenie, Meenie, Miney... okay!

*Pull either switch, and the soldier will still get fried. Conker will
turn around, the camera will go back to the soldier. Conker will just
stare at the soldier. Next, Conker will pull out his Fur Only magazine
to avoid watching the soldier getting fried. The chair will finally
stop shocking the soldier.*

Conker: Oh, hang a sec. I think itís this one actually. Eh, okay.

*The soldier will prop his head up.*

Soldier 2: Well, what do you know, Iím not quite dead. Thanks for that.
Feel a bit strange, though. How do I look?

Conker: You look great. Mmm... Iíve got to go. See ya!

*When you head outside the door, you will see a firing squad ready to
kill some squirrels.*

Tediz Officer: So then, any last requests?

Soldier 3: Could you untie me and just let me go, please?

Tediz Officer: No! Present arms! Take aim! Wait for it. Wait for it.
Choose a target. And... fire!

*The firing squad shoots the prisoners, except for one who hides in a
bulletproof suit. Once you take out the firing squad...*

Conker: Hey! Hey fella! Címon! This is not the place you want to be
hanging around.

Rodent: What do you mean? Oh! Oh! Hey! You killed them. Thatís great.
Thanks for that. Conker!

Conker: What? Oh! Hey! Hey, itís Rodent isnít it? How ya doing?

Rodent: Umm... not too good at the moment. They wanted to kill me.

Conker: Ah well, theyíre dead now. Say, I noticed that your outfit is a
little bit different to usual army regulation attire. What is it?

Rodent: Oh yeah, itís experiment number G7224. Iím the first to be
fitted with this. Itís an indestructible, erm, titanium laminate.

Conker: Right, so what does that mean?

Rodent: Oh! It means that if somebody shoots me, I donít die.

Conker: Really, thatís a pretty good idea. Iíll get me some of them.

Rodent: Itís the only one. Very expensive. Stick behind me, and you
should be alright. I can be your operation squirrel shield. What do ya

Conker: Sounds good to me. Right, which way?

Rodent: Eenie, meenie, minie, moe!

Conker: Right, letís go!

*Walk that way and an alarm will sound*

Conker: Whatís that up there? Looks like bombers. Bringing out the
heavy stuff. You go first.

Rodent: Ok... ok! Iíll go first.

Conker: Go on then!

*Once you get through the bombs and the mines, you will be at a door.*

Rodent: Iíll go and wait by the door. You shoot off the locks, and Iíll
meet you there. Weíll rendezvous whenever youíve got done.

Conker: Ok, Iíll see you in a bit.

*Once you are inside the door, Conker will see a tank.*

Conker: Least thereís no tediz in here. Oh, a tank. Now that may come
in handy.

Rodent: Oh, a tank. Itís a class twenty-two as well. I havenít got one
of them yet.

Conker: What do you mean ďgot oneĒ? Hey! Where you going?

Rodent: Ooooooo! Class twenty-two. Ssswwweeettt! Iím gonna look inside!

Conker: Ok! Do what you like!

Rodent: Ooo! Aaa! Ooo! Look at those. This is great. Iíve always wanted
to be an a class twenty-two. And here I am.

*Once you flip the next switch, acid will start rising in the room.*

Conker: Well, hopefully thatís opened the door on the outside. But
whatever itís done, I think its one of those letís-leg-it moments.

*When you go down the hole at the end of the path, you will land on a

Conker: Oh, well. In for a penny, in for a pound, I suppose.

*When you go across to the bigger platform, a submarine will appear.
Keep moving until you see a little girl.*

Little girl: Mummy! I want my mummy, mummy, boohoo. Hello, itís a
little squirrel. Hello. Help me, please.

Conker: Uh, itís a little girl. Itís dangerous around here, little
girl. I donít think you wanna be here.

Little girl: Have you come to rescue me?

*A pinging noise is heard.*

Conker: What is that?

Little girl: Thatís the inverse phase sonar. Very efficient with em,

Conker: Howíd you know about that?

Little girl: Eh, school?

Conker: I never learned things like that in school. Anyway, what is it?

Little girl: It fires a missile, I think, a Teddifunkin U47...
intercontilental... ballistic missile.

Conker: A missile?

Little girl: Yes, like that one!

*A missile is shown and Conker dodges it.*

Conker: Donít you worry, little girl. Iíll rescue you.

Little girl: Oh, goody, goody.

Conker: Her parents are bound to have some cash!

*After you get rid of the subs, go back and talk to the little girl.*

Little girl: Iím so happy. Iím going to see my mummy and daddy again.

Conker: Yep, ok, come on. Letís try and get you out of here.

*The tank will fall onto the platform.*

Conker: What the... uh, itís you guys.

*Rodent will appear from the top of the tank and the little girlís eyes
will turn green.*

Rodent: Conker... nooo!!!

*Conker will back away from the little girl, and the little girlís head
will twist all the way around.*

Little girl: Do you know what your ******* daughter did?

Conker: What? I donít have a daughter.

*The floor underneath the little girl will open up and you will see
that she is really on the arm of a giant tedi.*

Little girl: Yes! I havenít been a little girl for some time now. Yes,
Mr. Squirrel, Iím the brains and the eyes, and heís the brawn.

*Conker will run over to the tank.*

Conker: Quick! Get out the way! Iím taking over.

Little girl: Now, then, lesson one. Ballistics. This is my mini-gun. It
fires 8000 rounds per second brass cased 8mm with Tungsten alloy heads
and high explosive charge. Very, very messy!

*When you shoot off the little girl for the first time...*

Little girl: You little... no, must keep my cool.

*After you shoot the giant tedi in the back, he will pick up the little

Little girl: Now this is very special! High energy, inverted... Magneto
laser, with a six-pronged attack.

*When you shoot the little girl off for the second time...*

Little girl: You little... no, no, keep calm, keep calm.

*Shoot the tedi again for the same effect as before, when the little
girl is back on its hand...*

Little girl: Ah! Missiles! I think youíre already familiar with these.
Mark twos this time, however! Fur-guided. With multiple warheads. Donít
fancy your chances very much, Mr. Squirrel!

*Blow the little girl off again and...*

Little girl: You ****! No, no, keep calm, keep calm.

*After you hit the giant tedi for the final time, it will collapse.*

Little girl: Get up! Get up! I command you to get up. This is the end!
My little babies, yes. My little babies.

*Two spidermines will climb out of the tedi and blow the tank away.
Conker gets up.*

Conker: Oh, oh the... the tankís gone. Well, it served us well. Rodent.

*Rodent is on the ground and heís not moving.*

Conker: Oh no! He didnít make it. He was a great guy, a superb soldier,
a military tactician, and yet, he was mortal, like the rest of us. But
at least we showed that bitch whoís boss!

Little girl: Mr. Squirrel! Guess what? The shows not over, till the
little girl sings. Oooh! Whatís this? A little red button! I think Iíll
press it!

*She presses it and a countdown timer appears.*

Little Girl: Ooh, whatís that? A lovely countdown. I wonder whatís
going... to happen now?

Conker: Self-destruct! Aah! Give me strength!

*When you make it back to the beach, the boat will be in the process of
taking off.*

Conker: Wait! Wait for me! Wait for me! Where are you going?

Sergeant: What? Hey, guys, hold it there! Thereís another one! Oh, my
giddy aunt! Snipers!

*The squirrel with a rifle will snipe two advancing tediz.*

Conker: Get outta here now! Come on! Letís go! Letís go!

Sergeant: We gotta get our asses outta here pronto! Letís move it!

*The boat will then set off to the sea.*

Conker: I made it! I made it!

*When Conker wakes back up...*

Sergeant: Oh, youíre awake! Come over here, boy. Come and look at this.

Conker: Yeah! War is a terrible thing, you know.

Sergeant: Youíre right there. All these fine young men... sent off to
do the dying. While those bigwigs... those pen pushers... those guys
who never ever... see a single bullet whizz past their heads... we
wanna get them down here. Those so-called generals... in their big
fancy houses... twenty miles behind enemy lines. Who are they to tell
us? Who are they indeed? Look at that! What a sight.

Conker: Yes it is. Yes it is.

Sergeant: The horror! The horror!

*Back inside the tediz base, Rodent will wake up.*

Rodent: Ughh! I seem to have been knocked out for a second. Ahh! Yeah.
Now I remember. Countdown. Ohhh shhhh...

*The base will blow up and you can hear distant screaming.*

Conker: I recognize that voice!

*Rodent will fly overhead.*

Conker: Itís Rodent! He made it, guys! Yeah! Wahay!

Soldier 4: Way to go!

Soldier 5: Our hero!

Soldier 6: Yeah, he made it!

*Soldier 6 coughs and his head collapses on the deck.*

The Heist (sec3m)

*Work your way back to the windmill, and you will see itís no longer

Conker: Oh no! Where did the windmill go? I was sure that was the final
level. Ah well, obviously not. Rodent! Rodent! Hey, itís good to see
ya, man. What happened?

Rodent: A bit sore but, you know what? I reckon that that suit really
works. I was flying through the air... next this is, bam! Saw this
thing coming towards me. Kinda like the windmill. Doesnít seem to be
there anymore. Ah well, never mind. At least Iím still here. So whatís

Conker: Not really sure, but the war seems to be over. You may as well
go on your way. Give my regards to the guys.

Rodent: Yeh, I will! Catch ya later?

Conker: Catch ya later. You can buy me a pint.

Rodent: Ok! Conker, can I just say something?

Conker: Yeah, that depends what it is.

Rodent: It was a real privilege working with you. I would have to say,
if ever I need to go through an operation such as that again, I hope
that itís with you.

Conker: Thatís very nice of you to say.

Rodent: Thank you, sir!

*Rodent salutes.*

Conker: Yeah, thank you, soldier.

*Conker salutes back.*

Conker: Dismissed!

*Rodent starts walking off.*

Rodent: What a great guy.

Conker: Idiot!

*After you go through the tunnel, you will run into the boss.*

Boss: Whoa! I thought I told you to leave town. But seeiní as youíre
here, anyways, we have a little job for you!

Conker: Oh, not another one. Canít I just go home, please?

Boss: I said, we may have a little job. Take it, or leave it.

Conker: Okay, Iíll take it.

*Berri will walk in on the conversation.*

Berri: These pants are so uncomfortable! Oh, fancy meeting you here.

Conker: Berri! You look great.

Berri: Really!

Boss: I thought you said you didnít know this guy?

Berri: Oh yeah, I know him. Heís like my boyfriend!

Conker: Yeah, thatís right. Iím her boyfriend.

Boss: Am I interrupting something here? When you two little lovebirds
are finished with your reunion tete-a-tete ****, maybe we can get on
with the job at hand, please.

Conker: Okay, okay, whaddya want us to do?

Boss: Okay, since your little escapades with those cavemen kinda put me
outta business, now I need to replenish my funds. Here we have it, the
Feral Reserve Bank!

Conker: Okay, but Iíll do it on one condition only.

Boss: What?

Conker: That I get an outfit thatís as cool as hers!

Boss: Deal!

*You then see Conker in a Neo-like outfit. Enter the door and start a
MAJOR Matrix knockoff. When Conker steps through the metal detector, he
will be stopped by a guard.*

Security Guard: Please place any metallic objects in the tray...

*Fight your way through the Guards to the elevator to get to the next
area. In the upper level, there will be more lasers.*

Conker: What? Give me a break.

Berri: Donít worry. Itís in hand, okay?

*Berri deactivates the lasers.*

Conker: Thanks, Berri. Youíre one in a million. Speaking of which...

*When you enter the vault...*

Berri: Well, there you go materialist!

Conker: Like you can talk. Anyway, whoa. Where do I start? Come here,
my little beauties.

*After all of them are collected, Conker will be panting.*

Conker: Phew! Finally. Got it!

*The text $1,000,000 will pop up on the screen.*

Conker: Aw, cool! Millionaire! Iím a millionaire, Berri! Berri, what
are you looking at?

Berri: Conker, honey!

*Camera changes to show the Panther King.*

Conker: Aw, easy come, easy go. Whoís this guy? Berri, do you know who
he is?

Berri: Ya got me!

Panther King: Hmmm, yes, at last... a red squirrel... ...good!

Conker: A red squirrel! Oh, I think he means me. I donít recognize this
guy! Unless, heís the fabled Panther King! But he lives just in
stories, like my mum used to tell me to get me to sleep! Looks like he
was real after all. The fairy Panther King!

Panther King: Who are you calling a fairy?

Conker: No, as in, like, fairy, as in ephemeral... like a fable, like a
legend, you know, that doesnít exi... doesnít matter.

Panther King: Oh, no, doesnít matter, not anymore, not for you. Weasel!

Boss: Right here, boss.

Panther King: Your bounty.

Boss: Thanks very much. What are we gonna do with him?

Panther King: You leave him to me.

Boss: So youíre not gonna kill him?

Panther King: Not exactly!

Berri: Step aside, Conker. I know how to deal with men like this!

Panther King: Such loyalty... misplaced! Get rid of her!

Boss: The easiest thing in the world! Sorry, dollface. Business is
business! Adios!

*Boss then proceeds to shoot Berri until she falls.*

Conker: What the...? Hey, mind where youíre sssh... Berri?

*Berri then breathes her last.*

Conker: Hey Berri? Oh no!

Boss: No problem boss! Boss? You feeliní alright?

Panther King: Bit of... indigestion. Whereís my milk? Professor!

*The professor appears.*

Scientist: Ah, my liege, how do you feel?

Panther King: Not good! The sooner we get this squirrel in place, the
sooner Iíll get my milk. Itís getting worse.

Scientist: Ah yes, thatís right, my liege. It vould be getting vorse.
Oh, really, you donít look so good! Let me see, ze milk, yes, ze
squirrel, yes. Ze problem is solved, methinks. Right, squirrel, I think
youíre coming vit me.

Conker: Whatís going on here?

Panther King: Whatís going on?

Scientist: Ah yes, here it comes.

Boss: Not sure whatís going on here, but I think itís time to make an

*The Panther King starts gasping for air.*

Panther King: Canít breathe.

Scientist: Since this squirrel got rid of my tediz, bastard, I zink ze
latest addition to my plans is about to take shape. The incubation
period is just about complete! Not a moment too soon! Yes, my liege,
let us kill two birds vit one stone!

*Something will pop out of the Panther Kingís chest. You will see it is
an alien.*

Boss: What the...?

Conker: Oh no!

Scientist: Oh yes!

*Boss runs from the room.*

Scientist: Ah! Come here! Ah! Such a beautiful animal! Even though he
is about to... annihilate you, squirrel! Rip you limb from limb! You
cannot help but admire... zis... beauty! His... power! His... poise! He
is not a vonderful creature... is he?

Conker: Youíre right there... heís not!

Scientist: Just ignore him! Ha! Right... Iím ****** if Iím gonna live
in this world... and in this castle! So out of date! I have something
known... as technology! Take us into orbit.

*The room will move as you go into orbit.*

Scientist: You see the power of liquid nitrogen, mixed with oxygen, two
parts petrol.

Conker: Never gonna get home now.

Scientist: Heinrich! Kill!

*When you open the airlock, you will hear a computer start saying funny
things. You will also be able to hop in a robotic suit. The alien will
be over Berriís body.*

Conker: Get away from her, you bitch!

*Berriís body will be sucked out of the airlock. The scientist will
start having trouble.*

Scientist: Oh! Oh! No! Vat is?? Oh! I forgot about the airlock! Oh!
****! What the ****? Oh! I didnít put ze high powered... I knew I
should have done zat! Whose idea was it to go into space?? Oh! It was
mine! ****!!! This is it!! This is the end!!  No legs! And now no life!

*The scientist will fly out and you will be left to fight the alien.
After throwing it out of the airlock for the third time, it will come
back in.*

Conker: Oh no! I felt sure that was it! This is the end! And to think
it would end like this. So near!

*The alien will pounce at Conker, but the game will lock up.*

Conker: Hello? Whatís going on? Is this a joke? The gameís locked up!
Ha! I donít believe it! What! Is it the testing departmentís day off or
somethiní? Hmmm... this gives me an idea. Um! Hello... Eh! If there are
any software engineers that can hear me? Just eh. Type something in.

*A C:> Prompt appears and then the word Hello is typed in.*

Conker: Alright, yeah, hello. Right, hereís the plan! I wont tell
anyone thereís been a lockup, quite a bad one at that, left in the
game. If you will say. Oh! I donít know, help me out with this guy
here! What díya think?

*The prompt then shows the text ĎErr... ok.í*

Conker: Hmm! Now get rid of this background. Itís really grimy!

*The background will disappear and the screen will be nothing but

Conker: Hmm! Yeah, thatís better. Weapons maybe?

*A weapon rack will come out of nowhere.*

Conker: Hmm, letís see now. Hmm, yeah! Um, no! Oh, what about? Oh! Ho!
Ho! Ho!

*Conker will pick up a crossbow.*

Conker: Yeah! That should do it! Hmm! Double action! Oh! Ho!

*Conker throws the crossbow away.*

Conker: Ha! You guys!

*Conker will then take a sword from the rack.*

Conker: Yeah! Right! Ok! Take me back to, say, the throne room.

*Conker and the alien will be in the throne room, and Conker will have
his sword.*

Conker: Cool! Now, Mr. Alien, letís see. Letís get into position,
steady, check the shot, there we go! Right! On my mark, and not a
moment sooner. Three, two, one, and action!

*The alien will fall to the ground, and Conker will then slice itís
neck-stalk. The head will then fall off and blood? Will shoot out of
the alienís neck.*

Conker: Oh no, thatís a bit volatile. Clean that up later! Well, I
suppose thatís it. Anything else?

*The door will start to open.*

Conker: Who are these guys?

*Franky hops in.*

Conker: Oh, hello. Itís you again.

Franky: Well, if it isnít Conker. How ya doiní, Mr. Squirrel? You have
defeated the evil panther-type king.

Slim Guard: Yes, we didnít like him either. In fact, there seems to be
an empty throne.

Fat Guard: Too bloody right there is. Come on, Conker. Up on tí throne
wií ya.

Conker: What? But I, no, you donít understand. I donít really wanna be
king. Oh no, I forgot to, I should have brought Berri back to life. Oh
no! Hello, programmer. Ah, theyíre gone.

*The guards will drag Conker to the throne.*

Conker: What are you doing? Get off.

Franky: Itís okay. Itíll be good. Hereís the rest of the guys.

Marvin: Marvellous! I like it in here!

*Cheese will hop by.*

Marvin: Ooh, cheese!

Paint Brush: Youíre king?

Paint Pot: Heh, heh, king! You couldnít be king of a toilet!

Paint Brush: Yeh, king of a toilet!

Paint Pot: You donít know how close you are. You realize that?

Paint Brush: Eh, sorry.

Rodent: Conker, youíre king! Whoíd have thought that? Can I be your

Conker: Oh no. Of all the people in the world that I donít like, and
Iím in a room full of them.

Red Cog: I heard the good news. We came back from holiday as soon as we
could, just to celebrate with you on this wonderful, momentous
occasion. Didnít we ladies?

*The Slim Guard puts a crown on Conkerís head.*

Slim Guard: There we go. The king is dead. Long live the king!

Franky: Yeh, long live the king!

Paint Pot: Long live the king!

Paint Brush: Heh, heh, long live the king!

Paint Pot: Will you stop repeating me?

Paint Brush: Iím not. Iím repeating him.

Red Cog: Long live the king!

Rodent: Long live the king!

All Chanting: Long live the king! Long live the king! Long live the
king! Long live the king! Long live the king! Long live the king! Long
live the king! Long live the king!

Ending (sec3n)

Conker: So there I am. King. King of all the land. And whoíd have
thought that? Not me. I guess you know who these guys are now. I
certainly do. I donít want to know them. And, yep, I may be king and
have all the money in the world, and all the land, and all that stuff,
but, you know, I donít really think I want it. I just wanna go home,
with Berri, and... I donít know... have a bottle of beer. Hmm. Itís not
gonna happen. Itís true what they say. The grass is always greener, and
you donít really know what it is you have until itís gone. Gone. Gone.

Epilogue (sec3o)

*Conker will be sitting in the cock and plucker bar with no one around
but the bartender.*

Bartender: So? Whatíll it be?

Conker: Em... Scotch... single malt... speyside... no ice.

Bartender: A man of taste. There you go.

Conker: Whoa! Whoa there cowboy! Keep it cominí. Oh! Leave the bottle.

Bartender: Yeah. Lookiní a bit down. Whatís the matter?

Conker: Ughh... you wouldnít believe it. Anyway... I donít wanna talk
about it. Iíll just drink this.

*Conker later walks drunk out of the bar and walks the opposite way
from the last time he left.*

Credit (sec4)

All credit for this guide goes to myself, my friend Marty, and any
other friends who have had to put up with me writing down what was said
while the game was being played. I also would like to give credit to
those who were proofreading this script as it was coming along. Any
corrections are appreciated, and you will get credit for correcting me.

Copyright (sec5)

Copyright 2008. No replications of this script may occur without my
explicit written permission.